By
Miss Double ShotI could never quite figure out a guy friend I met in college. He was funny and smart (albeit a little odd, but so am I...) and we'd talk about everything from what we were eating for dinner to what we liked in members of the opposite sex.
Because we were open about so many things and had gotten to know each other so well, I 'spose I
friend zoned him without much thought. He was just a friend and not an object of my affection - we were just friends.
He dropped a bomb on me one night and told me that he'd had feelings for me for a while and I didn't know what to say.
I'm so indecisive that if something like that happens, I have to play along for a while before I make a real decision: do I like this guy or not? I start picturing us together and overanalyze everything he says and has said . . . just the thought of it wears me out!
I don't know whether it was out of selfishness or sheer cluelessness on my part, but after he confessed his feelings, I started to see him differently and thought he was more attractive than he'd been before. Was it the idea that he found me attractive or unconscious thoughts I'd been keeping under cover for a while?
Do you find people who express attraction to you more attractive than those who don't say anything? Why do you think my perception changed?
Comments (75)
yours changes because you opened the door to see if you liked him. Why wouldn't you, the best relationships start with a strong friendship.
i have totally had this happen to me! It seems to happen in college, so weird. Anyways, I didn't even notice the guy until he told me he liked me then it was like "oh wow, he's kind of cute" It didn't work out which is ok. I wonder if it was only just heightened perception because he certainly wasn't a blip on my radar before that.
wow i'm so excited to hear what happened... did u guys end up dating??!
hmmm, it depends on the person.
Perhaps you are finally allowing yourself to look at him as more of a friend because you already know he likes you. No one likes rejection, but now rejection isn't an option because...you know he likes you! I say, at least consider it. Especially if you two are really great friends, it could go great places. Nothing better than being able to completely be yourself with someone.
@john@xanga - negative! after the limerence faded a little bit, i realized that i didn't like him that way . . . but we're still good friends.
A person's level of attractiveness doesn't change when they express feelings for me. Either I like them or I don't.
Your perception changed because you suddenly considered him as more than a friend.
My best, I mean BEST, friend did that same thing to me. Unfortunately for him, I was, and still am, dating my boyfriend. It was odd, because before he told me his feelings, he told me he liked someone, and what should he do, tell her or not, etc, etc, and not knowing that the girl he was talking about was me, I told him, by all means, he should let her know. So, sure enough, a few days later, he called me up and told me that he really really liked me. I had to turn him down, naturally, but by him saying that, I started to look at him as more than just a friend. I had friend-zoned him right off the bat, firstly because he's more than five years older than I am, and we come from such different walks of life. But the door was definitely opened now, and I mentally began to find him much better than before... Buuuuut, I stuck with my boyfriend. And now I'm very glad I did. He found a great girl, much better for him than me :)
I think someone's attraction to you can definitely affect how you view them. It's flattering to know someone likes you!
People often end up marrying their best friend. They usually have so much in common and have known each other for so long it often seems hard to find a reason why it wouldn't work out.
@SHiLLySiT@xanga - i don't know where you got this from, i've NEVER heard anything like this in my life.
Actually, a confession of attraction never changes my attraction towards someone who was a friend. It's really the kindness they show to me before the confession that counts. If it's just a confession without the kindness; then it's dead in the water.
Also, I'm surprised -- if I hear a guy starting to talk about what he likes in the opposite sex, I would get uncomfortable. It's sort of like you two are trying to see if you are what the other wants and putting it on the table what you want to see if you two start dating. Those are dating questions/answers.
Most guys who tell me they have a crush on me are guys who already made it obvious to me in other ways, maybe without meaning to. By the time they get around to telling me how they feel, I've usually already made up my mind whether I feel that way or not.
And usually when I get a crush on a male friend, it's because something was there when I first met him, so I don't usually wake up one day and think, "wow. this friend of mine is hot!"
@death_by_chocolat@xanga - same here! except, i didn't have a boyfriend already. i just didn't want to change the friendship we had to begin with.
I once listened to a SUNY-Stonybrook psychology professor give a talk about the psychology of relationships. He said that whether someone likes you is always the best predictor of whether you'll like them. I think we like to shield ourselves from rejection, both consciously and subconsciously.
This has happened to me before. I was friends with one guy and I was telling him about a crush I had in school, so then I asked him who he liked and he said, "You." After that, I started liking him, and they were true feelings.
I think that the fact that he broke through that "just friends" barrier allowed you to see him as a person of possible interest rather than as just a friend. If there is someone in my life who is just a friend, it's like a part of my brain is switched off so I don't even look at them as a possibility.
i think that if you didn't feel anything BEFORE he confessed, you're just making it all up in your head. i've had friends who told me they liked me, and any time i decided to just go along with it, i ended up regretting it. :/
try everything :)
Isn't it stupid how that happens? I guess that when you're friends with someone, that's the only perception you have of them. But when you know they're into you and have probably checked you out in a romantic way a bunch of times, you instinctively open up your mind to the possibility of liking them and all of their qualities that made you like them as a friend seem more appealing. Especially if the person is already someone you thought was good looking...I mean, you can acknowledge someone's good looks without liking them. Anyway, it all depends. It's happened to me before and ended up being a great relationship, because like someone said, good relationships can be built on good friendships. It's happening to me right now and it's going so well. It's a chance to take. It might be awkward if it doesn't work out, but it might also be a great thing.
@bLueAnGeL55@xanga - i think of it that way too.
you didn't think of the possibility and now, because he's not off limits, you are starting to unravel the feelings you suppressed because he was only a friend back then.
This has never happened to me, but I have tried doing that to a friend. For the most part it doesn't work. The question looms, if you were attracted to this person before why didn't you try initially? I think I understand what you mean by finding someone more attractive when you know they have feelings for you and you reevaluate whether you are attracted to them. But for me, I pretty much know from the start. I do believe you can find someone more attractive as you get to know them but I would say for the most part the ones I am attracted to I either do something from the start and if I don't its because they already have BFs.
if i'm attracted to her, hell yes, if not, then hell no.
@queenofstyrofoamhearts@xanga - My boyfriend is my best friend. We were close friends for nearly a year before we started dating. We could easily be married, as close as we are. It DOES happen.
i told a guy i had feelings for him we had been friends for a couple of years and i thought that me being with him would make me happy unfortunately he turned out to be a liar he told me he had feelings for me then said we should talk in person but each time we scheduled to meet he wouldnt answer his phone now im talking to a completely different guy who i had no intentions of being with on a romantic level and he treats me lik ive always wanted to be treated... always go with ur gut feelings but realize it may not turn out the way u want