This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.I dated a guy who was intelligent, extremely
confident and, probably most important to women, very willing to
commit. There weren't any games. When we got together, it was a simple, "I like you and I want to date you. Now, do you want to date me?" It
seemed perfect. The first few months were filled with him telling me
how much he missed me when we weren't together and the usual e-mail and
text message exchanges.
After those few months, the "real" him finally emerged. Honestly, I
had seen signs of it before, but I quickly dismissed them as "bad
days"...but soon enough, every day was a bad day.
He would call me fat, talk
about girls he wanted to have sex with in front of me (even asking me to
ask my younger teenage sister to join in), call me stupid, ignore me,
belittle me in front of his friends and call me inconsiderate and
ungrateful. He spread nasty rumors about his close friends (I found
this out later) and even derided them in public. He went so far as to
accuse my current boyfriend of punching him in the face and "stealing
me" from him when he had said just a few days earlier that he was
single.
I was miserable, but being as naïve and as trusting as most
victims are, I gave him numerous chances. I convinced myself that he was
right and I wasn't trying hard enough. My reward was his asking another
girl for her number when I was out of town.
I've been done with him for a while now, but recently, I found out
through mutual friends that he has started seeing another girl. I
haven't met his exes, but I have heard stories from his friends and
have conversed over IM with one of his exes who, for all purposes,
believes him to be the devil incarnate.
His friends tend to just put up
with him and to expect this behavior from him; even his mother,
whom he disrespects constantly both in front of others and privately, allows him to continue in his ways.
These people could've warned me when I first started dating him.
Perhaps I wouldn't have listened to them at first, but I would have
been on the lookout and probably wouldn't have dismissed his earlier
behavior as "bad days" had I been warned. I consider myself lucky that I was able to escape that relationship
with the help of friends, but I
do worry that some unsuspecting, naïve girl will not be able to do the
same.
I realize that people can change and his relationship with her may
not be the same it was with me or with his exes, but my experience with
him and from mutual friend accounts is that he hasn't changed. He takes
no responsibility for his words and actions, won't apologize and won't
admit he has done anything wrong.
Quite honestly, I don't really have a
way of reaching the girl he's currently involved with, but if I did,
should I? Would you?
Comments (99)
Sadly enough, I am now in the same exact situation, and I empathize with you.
Warning his new girlfriend seems like the right thing to do, I know, and I applaud you for being so considerate towards her (most exes just want to beat up the new girl). However, there's no way she's going to believe you.
He'll just tell her that you're crazy, bitter, etc., and it will only serve to tarnish your reputation. Not to mention, you will get bogged back down in all his drama, which is probably what he wants because he sounds like the kind of jerk that feeds off it. The best thing you can do for yourself is stay FAR away from anything involving this guy. Although I commend your nobility, you've gotta heal yourself and take care of number one first.
I've wanted to do this very same thing. I was very close to someone who I believe to be the Devil incarnate. And wanted to tell any woman he dated that this was so and he was evil (and I'm not even joking. Or exaggerating.) but I knew that she wouldn't listen to me. They're now married. And expecting a baby. I feel bad for this girl (that I've never even met). Or maybe the guy changed. But I doubt it.
I mean, you know that you probably would not believe anything your boyfriend's ex would say about him. I know I wouldn't. I had a friend in high school that saw everything I went through with this one guy I dated... and then turned around and dated him a year later. And then, after they broke up, complained she had no idea what she was thinking.
She'll figure it out sooner or later. There's really nothing to be done.
I don't think I'd look for her. But if she landed on my doorstep, I would tell her.
no you shouldn't. she'd never listen to you and would just think you were a jealous or bitter ex gf. she'll figure it out on her own.
If she was a close friend ,I would say get involved......but even if you would "warn"this girl ...she would probably wait until he does something to make her think twice about the relationship.My advice.....you can't be superwoman to every girl he gets to know....Just go on with your own life,it sounds like you are dwelling on the past and not getting back into the game....be lucky it was only verbal abuse and not physical
If I were in that situation, I would contact the new girlfriend, perhaps by letter or email to avoid the face-to-face weirdness, especially since you don't know her well. I would preface the letter with something like "I'm one of A's ex-girlfriends. I know you'll probably think I'm bitter and trying to sabotage your relationship, but regardless, I want to give you some warning concerning things I experienced with A." Then describe the problems, tell her that you hope, for her sake, that he acts differently with her, and end with giving your contact information and an offer to talk if things go wrong.
Lmao. Why even get involved? It doesn't concern you.
This might piss some of you girls/women off but hear me out.
What would sunshine be without the rain?
What would the perfect boyfriend be without ever experiencing the worst of them all?
You learn something new from every encounter/relationship.
They can't all be good, sorry. There's always a bad seed.
I've been the best boyfriend you can imagine, along with the worst with others. It comes with the territory. I matured so I offer now a lot more than I did when I was younger. Everyone deserves a chance at happiness however, even if you're a prick.
Maybe he's changed. Maybe not. The point is a lesson will be learned one way or another.
Just *Poof* let it be. Sometimes the best way to handle things is not to handle them at all.
Good luck with whatever you choose though.
@AilinCorazon@xanga - Small Edit.
Since this guy obviously has an ego problem (Much like I do) try not to dent it. It's a big mistake. BIG ONE.
I've ruined enough lives over a dent ego. Trust me and just let it go. Karma will eventually kick him in the ass. So go with the flow.
That's the best advice I can give. Good luck once again.
If you did it, she wouldn't believe you and he'd pin you as the crazy ex gf.... if one of his friends pulled her aside and told her - then she'd be on the lookout... but you're the ex and he ould easily dismiss anything you tell her... =/
Don't talk to her. You say that it SEEMS like he hasn't or isn't going to change - but if you're not directly involved with him you can't know that. Don't take away his chance at redemption with his current girlfriend - even if it seems like he is not going to take it.
I've been that guy before. I've been nice at first then a total immature brat later in the relationship. Years later, I'm cleaning up my act. Now I'm currently dating someone who has a mutual friend with my ex-girlfriend. I'm pretty worried that the mutual friend will blow the whistle on me and I will have to answer for past behaviors to someone I shouldn't have to answer to.
I once messaged a girl about the guy she was dating warning her that he was having unprotected sex with a number of women he met at clubs (I was dating one of his friends) just to warn her to get tested for the sake of her health. The message was ignored and she ended up marrying him. Go fig.
i think you should. definitely. of course, only as an advisory, precautionary measure so that she just knows, at least. def not as a command or any sort.
and i've done it. i mean, the ex and i were friends again, but i sent that kid an advice-warning kinda msg.It's probably better to wait. I mean, hindsight is 20/20, but when you're just falling for someone... well... would YOU have believed one of his exes?
Tell her. I hate guys that are like that to girls, and if you have a chance to stop it before it happens or at least give the poor girl a heads-up, do it. If she doesn't believe you then it wouldn't make a big difference then anyway, would it?
Not straight out. Just hint at some of his..oddities.
I dated a guy like that!! same freakin thing. NO ONE warned me!!!
like you said, i probably wouldn't have listened and still dated him, but I would have definitely kept it in consideration and would have noticed those certain things as well and dropped him before we got serious.. but i was blind-sided by it and ended up getting hurt. I worked with him... and i did tell the new girl he trained, i warned her, she didn't take it too seriously and i didn't take offense to it, cuz i probably would have done the same, but i felt good about at least putting it in the back of her mind that she needs to be careful. he ended up not even trying to date her. meh. life goes on. kudos on the post and your maturity in dealing with the situation.
in short... being a victum of this... I wish someone HAD told me. So do what you would have wanted done for you.
he asked for your SISTER to join!?!
messed
if that girl is smart she'll leave him. or he'll play her and move on.
but yeah, i wouldn't worry about it and just be happy that abuse is out of your life.
As someone who has been there and warned the ex, I say don't. They most likely won't believe you and they will eventually learn as you did. It won't be pretty but it's a lesson they need to learn just as you needed to.
i would write her a letter
@itiscomplicated - If hurting a human being in anyway way is wrong, then wouldn't that also count as being emotionally abusive?
Saying the things he said to the original poster could be pretty harmful to someone's emotional and mental state.
As for warning her, if you feel it to be right, then go for it. Tell her what happened to you and if she wants to think that you're the crazy one, then so be it. What the hell can she do to you? What the hell can the ex do to you without showing his true colour to the girl he's dating?
Just don't push it if she won't believe you. People like him usually don't change and eventually, she'll be able to understand why you said the things you said to her.
Guys like that turn it on you. He'd tell her your just jealous and it'd just make things harder for you. You have to just let it go, as bad as that sounds. She has to find out on her own and if you try to intervene, thing'll will just get worse for both of you. (i dated a guy like that and i had the same dilemna. I found out later that they broke up for the same reasons we had but she was totally naive until she saw it. so was i, even when my closest friends and family told me, i called them liars)