This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.I dated a guy who was intelligent, extremely
confident and, probably most important to women, very willing to
commit. There weren't any games. When we got together, it was a simple, "I like you and I want to date you. Now, do you want to date me?" It
seemed perfect. The first few months were filled with him telling me
how much he missed me when we weren't together and the usual e-mail and
text message exchanges.
After those few months, the "real" him finally emerged. Honestly, I
had seen signs of it before, but I quickly dismissed them as "bad
days"...but soon enough, every day was a bad day.
He would call me fat, talk
about girls he wanted to have sex with in front of me (even asking me to
ask my younger teenage sister to join in), call me stupid, ignore me,
belittle me in front of his friends and call me inconsiderate and
ungrateful. He spread nasty rumors about his close friends (I found
this out later) and even derided them in public. He went so far as to
accuse my current boyfriend of punching him in the face and "stealing
me" from him when he had said just a few days earlier that he was
single.
I was miserable, but being as naïve and as trusting as most
victims are, I gave him numerous chances. I convinced myself that he was
right and I wasn't trying hard enough. My reward was his asking another
girl for her number when I was out of town.
I've been done with him for a while now, but recently, I found out
through mutual friends that he has started seeing another girl. I
haven't met his exes, but I have heard stories from his friends and
have conversed over IM with one of his exes who, for all purposes,
believes him to be the devil incarnate.
His friends tend to just put up
with him and to expect this behavior from him; even his mother,
whom he disrespects constantly both in front of others and privately, allows him to continue in his ways.
These people could've warned me when I first started dating him.
Perhaps I wouldn't have listened to them at first, but I would have
been on the lookout and probably wouldn't have dismissed his earlier
behavior as "bad days" had I been warned. I consider myself lucky that I was able to escape that relationship
with the help of friends, but I
do worry that some unsuspecting, naïve girl will not be able to do the
same.
I realize that people can change and his relationship with her may
not be the same it was with me or with his exes, but my experience with
him and from mutual friend accounts is that he hasn't changed. He takes
no responsibility for his words and actions, won't apologize and won't
admit he has done anything wrong.
Quite honestly, I don't really have a
way of reaching the girl he's currently involved with, but if I did,
should I? Would you?
Comments (99)
ugh...i feel you on this one, but i agree that you should let the new gf decide his fate. you don't want to undermind her.
Did you put him on DontDateHimGirl.com???
Sounds like a prime candidate!
You could warn the cyber world at the very least!
It's nice that you care, but unless you actually know the girl, I would just stay out of his life completely. He's bad news.
No. That simple.
You will/are considered to be the "crazy ex-girlfriend". Unless she's against him as well, she won't believe a word you say.
It's also really none of your business to be worried about her.
Um, no. Sorry, it won't help her or you. She doesn't know you at all.
If you're really concerned for her, ask her to ask X friend of the guy's about X behavior. She'll take a mutual friend's opinion over the "crazy" exes opinion any day.
i would... but do it as respectfully as possible.
don't act all angry and angsty, that'll just send the wrong message, you know?
Leave her an email and stay out of that guy's life forever.
I would if you were to try and warn her, do so anonymously without giving away any serious clues as to who you are.
If you can't do that, well then I say leave them be unless he's one of those types to get physical.I know you think that right now it would've been good if someone had warned you about this guy before you got into a serious relationship with him, but at the Honeymoon Stage, would you have really believe one of his ex-gf's? Just do yourself a favor and break ties with him. Unless this guy is/was violent in an abusive and physical way, don't meddle in his current life. In due time, the new girl will see who he truly is, but hey, who knows, maybe he's different, doubtful, but possible.
stay out of it your'll only get in to trouble and blamed for stiring . sorry x
you may be mistaken as wanting to get back with the guy . . . so for the time being, i say you shouldn't do anything. if you happen to meet her and become friends with her, maybe as a friend, give her a few hints here and there but i would say that's the extent. great job for getting yourself out of an ugly situation!
If she ends up coming to you and asking for your advice or your opinion, give it freely. But don't seek her out. And even if you do meet her someday, don't offer advice without her asking for it. She won't take it seriously.
What a dumbass. If you warn someone either they will say mind your own business or he might hate you. But what ever works.
Earlier this past year, I had someone warn me via an anonymous Myspace page about a guy that I had just started dating. They continued to send me messages after I replied to them about the type of person he was. After the final message of them sending me all the links to his exes Myspace pages, I contacted one and found out the truth about the guy and his shady past. If I hadn't listened to her or any of those messages, I think I would've ended up in the same type of situation that you were in.
My ex was a pretty rotten guy after about a year of dating but I don't feel like I have the right to tell his girlfriend that. So, if I were in your situation, I probably wouldn't tell her because I don't think she would believe me. I pretty much agree with ToxicWishes up there.
Unless that girl happened to a be friend of yours (in which case the friend-ly thing to do would be to warn her), I would say leave it alone. You and he are no longer together, which makes his business not your business anymore. And you don't even know her, which makes her business really none of your business either. So basically, you'd just be butting in, and like so many commenters already noted, she probably won't believe you because she'll assume that you're just jealous.
Plus, ultimately, your warning wouldn't actually save her from her own naivete. If she is naive enough to get into a relationship with him and stay in it, ignoring the warning signs, then she is naive enough to get into the same type of relationship with some other guy. And no one but herself will truly be able to stop her. So just cross your fingers knock on wood, and hope and pray that she'll see the light and he'll get what he deserves.
I had a crazy boyfriend like that a while ago. It never occurred to me to warn his next girlfriend after me. And then she turned out to be crazier than he was, so I guess it worked out in the end...
-Katie
it is tempting.
i say, if he's bad enough, go ahead and give her a heads up. i did with one of my ex boyfriends and his new girlfriend. but there was a little more to the story. he was halfway through college and she was a sophmore... in high school! So there were a lot of things wrong with it. I didn't come off rude or harsh at all, and i didn't try to be weird or be friends with her either. she was polite back to me, and they only went out for a few months anyway!
even though it might work against me and there will be a great chance his new gf wouldn't believe you.
i would say.. if you ever had a chance, warn her then walk away, at least you did your part.
verbally abuse is the same as physically abuse, they are harming and destroying a person 's self respect, self confidence
. and If that girl doesn't love herself the way she should, she might buy all the dirty lies from your ex. and it gonna hurt her.
I would say, try to warn her, this is the least thing you can do.
Best of lucks.
well like most people are saying, the new gf won't believe you, but i would give it a try? just don't make it seem like you you want her to get rid of him so you can get back at him. just say it casually and i guess don't go into too much details? don't know lol. but if you do tell her, you should tell the new gf to ask his friends or the mutual friends he and you have to warn the new gf too so she might start to believe you?
i wouldn't even bother. don't waste your time. she's not going to believe you and just think that you're telling her all this because you're a jealous ex who wants him back.
just leave it to her to find out the hard way...
I pulled something like that... a guy acquaintance of mine was dating several girls I knew who didn't know each other (one from my church, two from our large school, another from a friend's school). So one day me and a few others "conveniently" got them all into a chat room with each other and let them discover they were all being played by the same guy...
Not exactly the same situation, but I hate to see anyone get used.
As much as I would like to say "Yes..go for it..go tell her" but then again..what's the point? I agree with some of the people here..the new gf will just think of you as a crazy psychotic ex and won't listen to you..so I don't think it's worth it. Just let her learn and see it for herself.
I agree with most of the people here, chances are if she doesn't know you, she won't believe you. Though, if it was me, I would at least get to know her a little, for when the time comes, when she needs someone to talk to that's been in the experience before, I would be there. However accomplishing that isn't the easiest thing either.
Though then again, your ex-boyfriend, sounds like a real dick (and this is coming from a guy). I definitely would not talk about having sex with another girl in front of my girl friend (if I had one currently, I'm settling school and work first before I get one now). One thing I find sick is this. "he wanted to have sex with in front of me (even asking me to
ask my younger teenage sister to join in)." That is disgusting, I don't care who you are, you don't have sex with little kids just cause you can't score with the more mature people. I'm sorry, if he acted like that in front of me or my family, I'd probably beat the crap out of him.
I'm glad you've stopped dating him, he's seems like a real butthole. You're a strong woman for letting him go. I had been in a relationship like that and it was pure Hell.
As for telling his current girl what he's really like, I would just look the other way. I'm not usually one to look the other way, but she would automatically feel as though you were the "bitter ex", and just trying to get him back.
It's best if you just stay out of this, and although you might feel a little guilty at first, it will pass.
YES warn her! this bloke sounds EXACTLY like my ex (but worse) and I wished someone would have saved me 3 years of my life. Then again, if an ex-girlfriend warned me, I probably wouldn't believe her. Maybe you should get someone else involved so this new gf would listen.