This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.I dated a guy who was intelligent, extremely
confident and, probably most important to women, very willing to
commit. There weren't any games. When we got together, it was a simple, "I like you and I want to date you. Now, do you want to date me?" It
seemed perfect. The first few months were filled with him telling me
how much he missed me when we weren't together and the usual e-mail and
text message exchanges.
After those few months, the "real" him finally emerged. Honestly, I
had seen signs of it before, but I quickly dismissed them as "bad
days"...but soon enough, every day was a bad day.
He would call me fat, talk
about girls he wanted to have sex with in front of me (even asking me to
ask my younger teenage sister to join in), call me stupid, ignore me,
belittle me in front of his friends and call me inconsiderate and
ungrateful. He spread nasty rumors about his close friends (I found
this out later) and even derided them in public. He went so far as to
accuse my current boyfriend of punching him in the face and "stealing
me" from him when he had said just a few days earlier that he was
single.
I was miserable, but being as naïve and as trusting as most
victims are, I gave him numerous chances. I convinced myself that he was
right and I wasn't trying hard enough. My reward was his asking another
girl for her number when I was out of town.
I've been done with him for a while now, but recently, I found out
through mutual friends that he has started seeing another girl. I
haven't met his exes, but I have heard stories from his friends and
have conversed over IM with one of his exes who, for all purposes,
believes him to be the devil incarnate.
His friends tend to just put up
with him and to expect this behavior from him; even his mother,
whom he disrespects constantly both in front of others and privately, allows him to continue in his ways.
These people could've warned me when I first started dating him.
Perhaps I wouldn't have listened to them at first, but I would have
been on the lookout and probably wouldn't have dismissed his earlier
behavior as "bad days" had I been warned. I consider myself lucky that I was able to escape that relationship
with the help of friends, but I
do worry that some unsuspecting, naïve girl will not be able to do the
same.
I realize that people can change and his relationship with her may
not be the same it was with me or with his exes, but my experience with
him and from mutual friend accounts is that he hasn't changed. He takes
no responsibility for his words and actions, won't apologize and won't
admit he has done anything wrong.
Quite honestly, I don't really have a
way of reaching the girl he's currently involved with, but if I did,
should I? Would you?
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Comments (99)
No, it would work against you...she isn't going to believe you because your his ex and then she is just going to think you are nuts. Besides, it's really none of your business.
The problem with contacting an ex's new bf/gf is that they may not take you seriously. They might consider you the bitter ex and then your ex, from the way he sounds, might spin the words around to make you seem so. But I wouldn't do it.. If he was on the other hand, physically abusive to you, then say something to new gf. Harming a human being in anyway is wrong.
If i had a way to reach her, i would warn her up front. No hesitation. I won't be cocky or too pushy about it. I'll just tell her for the record this is what it is. Take my advice or leave it but look out.
After that i'd walk away. He'll be really upset and pissy about it but from the sound of it, that's how he always is.
She may not believe you if you try to hell her. She'll probably think it's the crazy ex talking smack and tell him about it. Which if he likes to talk a lot of bull like you've mentioned, will probably create rumors that you still got the hots for him.
Maybe have his friends warn her instead.Haha - my first thought is, am I the new gf? I just started dating a boy who is confident, intelligent, and willing to commit...I'm hoping it's just my paranoia after dating one or two toads recently
...
I think that if you still run in the same social circles, it might be worth befriending her so that she has someone to talk to when this/if this blows up in her face as well.
But no, you shouldn't warn her if you don't know her well yet. This might be one of those horrible relationships that everyone has to survive so they can tell the tale...
It makes for a good story for her memoirs if nothing else...
i would. I have actually. Just be careful how you word things if you do end up in that situation. Sometimes the present girl thinks you're jealous and trying to break them up. I have warned quite a few girls and for the most part, worded the right way, they watch out for the signs I tell them about. Good luck :)
Wow. He sounds like my ex-boyfriend.
I've wondered about this a lot after my ex and I broke up. I've never contacted a girl he's dated. I absolutely refuse to speak to him from here until the day I die for what he did to me and while I'd hate to see that inflicted on another woman, I can't say she's even believe me. However, once he started doing awful things to her, I'd contact her. I think I should start a support group.
She probably wouldn't believe me, and if it were me, I'd probably think she was telling me some evil lie to try to take him back from me.
However, if you do seem neutral and generally concerned that this devil incarnate may ruin another person's ego, self-esteem and self-worth, you should let her know that. The more genuine you are, the more believable it will be.
i think the new gf would think you were just bitter you lost him... and if she mentioned it to him, he would go along with that story. people believe what they want to believe and if she still thinks that he is wonderful and perfect she won't take you seriously.
the new GF would probably assume youre just a psycho ex-gf and it might backfire on you..... if she tells him about it, he'd start spreading nasty rumors about you!
i say be done with it, and stay out of it.
If I were you, I wouldn't warn the new gf about him. -_- She'll just think you're still in love with him and bitter that you lost him.
It's best for her to find out what he's really like on her own. :\
You should. Give her the heads up if you ever come in contact with her. This guys, to the sound of it, reeks of douchiness.
*sigh* crazy ex boyfriends....
Wow--that's a tough one. The best advice I can think of is see if you can wind your way to a mutual friend between you and this girl. Explain how he treated you and that there may be "signs" for her to look for and to be an emotional support for the new girlfriend should things turn out the same. (OK, this made sense in my head, does it convey well written?)
Good luck!
If there were some way that you could let her know, regardless of whether or not she would believe you, that would be good. This guy isn't just "psycho"-- He's downright abusive. And letting her find out on her own just lets this cycle of emotional violence continue, and allows one more woman to be a victim. I wish there were some way that women could break out of the shame and stigma of having been abused and show solidarity with one another.
I would. This totally sounds like me and Tyler... I never dated Tyler, but he and his best friend Mike were my "friends." Those were possibly the worst two years of my life so far. Saying that I would is kind of a remorse thing, though, because Tyler was going out with my friend Kaitlyn, who was so happy with him that I couldn't imagine telling her how abusive he was toward me... and obviously he hadn't been the same with her, although I don't know back then if she was the kind of girl who'd put up with that as "typical male behavior," or chauvinistic behavior. They eventually broke up, and I did tell her later about all the crap those two put me through, but.. maybe if I had it to do again I would tell her and save her the three years of imagined Utopia she had with him.
I would definitely try to get in touch with this girl and tell her how badly he treats his girlfriends... even if you come off as a jealous ex, at least you can feel OK knowing you tried.
I had the same experience and the sad thing was that I was warned by friends and family. I would love to be able to warn his next girlfriend but I can't and like the first person who commented said it may work against you.
Even if she didn't want to believe you, the things you said would come back to her as she started seeing it for herself. There's no harm in at least trying (and it'll probably save the girl some trouble down the road), so long as you're not jealous or something ridiculous like that.
Leave them be. She'll figure it out and it's up to her to take the correct action. And like some of the above comments have said, warning her may work against you. And whatever the case, it's not really your business to be warning her about him (well, unless it was a life or death situation).
If she doesn't know you, she's probably not going to believe you. It's that simple. If you knew her a little, and there were a probability that she'd give you some credit, then I'd consider mentioning something to her. However, I think if you bother it will backfire immensely, perhaps even dangerously (on his behalf- he doesn't sound like someone to mess with). I'd leave it alone and stay the fuck away from him. Good for you, for getting out of it. Fo real
don't tell her, life's about self-experience... when you try to deny people that "right" they often become upset and hostile, just let her find out for herself what kind of prick he is.
No. Stay out of it. She's probably going to think you're just trying to sabotage things or that you're the crazy one...
@jediwa72@xanga - good point. chances she WON'T believe you.
If he's the same person, the truth will emerge on its own. Every time. I
I'm sure his friends gave her the say talk they gave you.
Xo