Friday, 29 August 2008
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Worried About My GF 2000 Miles Away
This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.One of my major flaws is that I get jealous easily. I don't mean jealous as in, "OMG! He has the newest (insert product here)! I have to get it too or one up him!" I mean I get jealous in relationships. The slightest mention of another guy, especially a guy that I don't know, bothers me. I suppose it's low self-esteem or something, but I tend to think that the guy will try to take her away and succeed. If I know or have met the guy before I won't think much of it, but still there's a slight tugging of the heartstrings when she mentions them for no apparent reason.
However, I'm not a control freak boyfriend. My girlfriend goes out and does things with whomever she wants. I'm not going to stop her from doing anything; granted, she's 2000 miles away at the moment and I'm not in any position to even try. Yet, even when we are close, I don't stop her. That's one of the worst things that I could possibly do, and it's one of the most hypocritical things as well. If I can go out with my female friends, then why can't she go out and meet random guys, right?
The thing is, my girlfriend is smart, funny, witty, social, talented, and, to top it all off, beautiful. I worry that she will meet some guy that will sweep her off her feet and that she'll be gone. I'm even more worried that some guy will hit on her and go beyond just words to actions when I'm not there to help her. I've been around her long enough to hear some of the things that people say to her and see the amount of heads she turns. I don't mind if they look at her or call out to her, but coming up to her and hitting on her is another.
Maybe it's just me being territorial. I'm a guy. There's a part of me that needs to make the world known that she is "mine". Seeing strange guys talking to her makes me uneasy, especially when I'm around and they're still hitting on her. I'm sure she unconsciously flirts with them and doesn't really mind the attention, but that's another part that bothers me. If any strange guy touches her, I would have the instant urge to drop them. It hasn't happened yet (both the touching, to my knowledge anyway, or the dropping), but I'm sure that's what I'll do.
Generally, I'm not violent and I don't like senseless fights, but I just can't help but get angry when it comes to this. Am I wrong to feel this way? She's 2000 miles away for school and when she tells me some guy hit on her, it drives me crazy. I don't know if I should tell her I feel this way or if I should just let it go.Do you get jealous easily? How do you deal with hearing about your SO's encounters with members of the opposite sex when they're far from home?
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Comments (75)
you're insecure.
if you can't handle it then break up with her.
and she's not "yours" buddy. she's a human being that doesn't belong to anyone. not a controlling bf? this post makes me beg to differ.
<3
My SO lives 3000 miles away and I'm going to see him in less than two weeks.. But whenever he has mentioned other girls hitting on him, I get really jealous. Sometimes I worry about things that could possibly happen, but I know my SO and know he wouldn't do anything to hurt me or cheat on me.
I totally understand this situation, and it is sticky. My best friend's boyfriend is a jealous type, even with the same sex people of his gf. [sometimes he got jealous of ME! and I am a girl.]
But I say, you're not alone on this. Having feelings is a good thing to have, but to use it for the wrong things can be bad.
Like the one comment said, just go work out, hit up with friends and do stuff. Take your mind off the jealousity for your gf.
Maybe you can ask her not to talk about those things tha bothers you. My boyfriend does, sometimes when I just talk about stuff without realizing it nags him like crazy.
He turns to me and said "please don't talk those stuff wth me. Talk with your friends about it."
I am not one with good advice but I hope there are others that does. At least be better than what I wrote!! LOL...
@nolan_kun@xanga - AGREED
I am a VERY jealous person.
Basically talking it over with my boyfriend and making sure that he understand that I am this way...and also just being reasurred that "yes I still love you..."
That helps.
yes, it drives me nutz, and it killed my relationship. all i can say is that, u should talk to your gf about it. and perhaps come up with a way to say that shes taken. perhaps a bf/gf ring or something so when others see it, they will think shes married and back off.
worrying doest help, though it cant be controled. if u worried, u will make the bond between u and her worse due to the lack of trust and possible disagreement. on theo ther hand, if u dont worry, things will go as it should normaly. if shes gonna cheat on ya, it can happen either way. so u might as well not worry so u arent the one responsible for making things worse.
i think it should also be something she needs to understand. she needs to understand that it is something u arent comfortable with. perhaps for each guy she meets, she should introduce him to u sometime soon, so u would worry less.
at the same time, it is something u need to get over with, and so do i, as i have the same problem. u need to learn to trust in your gf that she wont do anything with them. cause if u dont, u will have to deal with this for the rest of your life for all the gf u will be dating. its a lose lose situation that needs to be get over with.
so theres gonna be a huge part for u and a part for her tow work with. it should be a collabaration between the couple to make things work. i've known girls that can reject flirts in a very nice and polite way while keeping the friendship between her and the flirter.
in all honesty, its kinda rude to flirt with a taken person, especailly if his/her partner is there. if u happened to be at scene u should tell him to back off in a nice and polite way. if u dont, that person wil think its ok with flirt with your partner and drives u even more insane!
That situation sucks, but you have got to trust your girlfriend. She'll enjoy knowing that you're protective of her, but she doesn't want to feel like she has to watch her every move around guys. That will annoy her and make both of you more insecure in your relationship. Make her conscious of how you feel, but be breezy. Know that she cares about you.
has there ever been any reason for you to be jealous? if no, then you have no reason not to trust her. if you can classify this is as senseless jealousy, then i can say that unfortunately its normal, because you love her and shes far away. but if you think its some instinct, perhaps you ought to listen to it.
heres some irony for you. my now ex used to say the exact same thing to me, word for word. he was afraid that someone would sweep me off my feet, etc. then he found someone else and left. after nearly two years. life is funny that way.
be careful. but dont smother her; she will feel like you dont trust her, and thats never healthy.
I understand completely.
I'm a pretty jealous person to the point where I almost get upset what my boyfriend mentions other girls. Not so much the ones that were his friends, but the ones he used to have crushes on, wanted to date, etc. It really gets under my skin sometimes. I just have to grin in bear it or I run the risk of, as you said, being hypocritical. I have guy friends that I hang out with and maybe, I admit, flirt with even if I don't intend to, and he is perfectly fine with it. I wish I had his way of looking at things.
I don't really believe it has anything to do with confidence in my case. It's more jealousy of the other person's history with my boyfriend. A case of, "She's known him longer, and maybe knows more than I do about him" syndrome.
don't listen to the people who say
SHE'S JUST TRYING TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS.
WRONG.
i told my bf when guys hit on me
not to make him jealous
but quite the opposite,
to show him he could trust me,
to be open & have no secrets.
i did it to assure him that i would never cheat on him,
that i was all his.
& THAT is how you SHOULD interpret
your girl's behaviors.
i was in a long distance relationship too
so i know what i'm talking about.
trust me.
jealousy is natural
but please don't believe that
her telling you the truth
& being open about things
means she's a conniving fiend
hoping to ignite flames of anger.
x
how ironic this came up--
im leaving for france on thursday (living there a year+) and my boyfriend and i have decided to call it quits.
its unfortunate, and we still care about each other, but four thousand miles away and at least a year until we see each other is just too much.
plus i know that i wouldnt want to hold him back, just as he doesnt want to hold me back. and the whole jealousy issue would be huge. i trust him, thats not it. but to hold such high expectations while he is experiencing new things in college, i dont find it necessary.
i hope everything goes well with you and your girlfriend. if you feel like this issue is so pressing to post it online, then maybe you should talk with her.
the best of luck.
As long as you don't go overboard on it or let your feelings take control, the feelings themselves aren't bad or unnatural. Just let your confidence control your actions more than your jealousy (meaning build that confidence, boy! She chose you already!)
if she loves you, and you're confident in that fact, the most probable thing to happen is that your jealousy drives her away. the least probable is someone sweeping her off her feet, if you both truly love each other. and distance shouldn't matter, because like you said, even when you're close you shouldn't try to control her.
jealousy is kind of like owning a handgun. it's meant to defend yourself and you have it to keep your loved ones safe. but in all probability, you or someone you love will probably get hurt by it.
the only cure for jealousy is confidence. in yourself and in her. learn to trust. be more open. tell her your feelings.
Thoughts: how would someone steal her? Assuming she actually is steal-able, probably by being proactive and showing her she is important. Why not focus more on things you would like to do to invest in the relationship and to be more proactive about pursuing her instead of worrying about what others might do. I'm sorry if she does things to feed your fears, but probably she feels pretty comfortable in your love and in her feelings for you her and only flirts because she isn't serious or wants to capture your attention. Maybe not, but girls do dumb things like that a lot. The less you are worried or jealous, the more your relationship will mature and be enjoyable and the more other people outside of it will benefit. I feel so comfortable and valued with my married friends who are never jealous. I never have to worry about coming between them. I can just be myself. I want to be like that.
Congratulations on having a girlfriend you admire so much. Try to spend more time on enjoying that she loves you too and less time thinking about what "might" happen. It hasn't yet. What makes you think it ever will?
I'm a jealous person too. It's the same thing: self-esteem issues. Whenever my guy goes to festivals or parties, I always think he's gonna end up having one-night-stands with other girls, or possibly meeting a new girl who he falls completely in love with and leaves me for her. But what can I do? I've just got to trust him. That, to me, is the most important part of a relationship.
Men tend to be territorial..i think your jealousy to a certain extent may be normal. but you should probably find a way to deal with it...and not let it get excessive.. you and your girlfriend should probably talk things out...discuss both your feelings and get all these issues out in the open. good luck!
@lights_maybe@xanga - Yes..i agree with u.. one of my friends kept flirting with my guy..she flirts with just about any attractive guy she meets. that ticked me off..and i told her to stop flirting around...but she's so ditzy she didn't get it at all. sigh. i don't know what to do.
LOl ok... just because your bf/gf chosen u doesn't mean they love u or wont cheat on you. and just bc it's "wrong" to feel insecure doesnt mean u wont feel insecure. all of those are bs.
anyways, i think u should look at urself first and see if there was nething in the past that made ufeel insecure about urself. were u cheated on? are u a competitive guy? etc... etc... after u ask that, then u canstart asking about your current relationship. what is it that she's doing to make u insecure? and maybe u BOTH can work it out.
When it comes down to it, either you trust her or you don't. You have to believe she's being 100% honest with you and that when she tells you those other guys don't matter, know that they don't. Or let her go.
Most chances are that she's telling you about these other guys because she thinks it's funny or pathetic or both. And she's telling you because she's trying to stress to you that it doesn't matter. So just go with it.
@jei_darkmoon@xanga - well, there's probably not much u can do about her. but u can talk to your bf about it. tell him to man up and have him tell her that hes taken and it's really rude of her to be flirting with him. sometimes u gotta fight fire with fire. in this case, shes being a slut, and u gotta be an ass about it to get the job done.
I think you're a don't really trust your GF because she isn't so anything that should let you get so jealous. She's just hanging out with guy FRIENDS.
it's kind of like that song "lost" by menudo
i felt the same way about my ex. i am away in another city for college and she's back at home. she goes out with her friends(guys and girls). she likes the attention when guys flirt with her because i'm not there. and it annoys me because she really enjoys it. to the point where she'll begin to flirt back. sometimes it gets physical where they may cuddle or hold hands.. it's sufficient to say that..she and i are no longer together. i couldnt take it anymore and the jealousy overcame me and she wanted to do what SHE wanted at the bar or club.
distance relationship. sigh. sometime it just make people feel insecure. =(
i feel exactly the same as you mate. i'm in a difficult time in my relationship at the moment as well, in the past i've had girls cheat which undoubtably would only make u unsure when in future relationships. i wish i wasn't a clingy person i really do, i hate it. when she says she's going out for the night with a friend it makes my blood boil. thats not my intnetion though i want to be pleased for her but for some reason something else takes over. i know she's not a girl that would cheat she says she loves me but why cant i bring myself to believe it? i do trust her in my head 100% but my heart sometimes takes over and i feel myself getting worried over nothing. most mornings i wake up and thats the first thing i think about and consequently i get myself so wound up i end up being physically sick, i hate this feeling. we have the perfect relationship, we love each other, her side of the family all like me and i still get butterflies whenever i see her. i notice every little change she makes to her appearance.she is still pure so all my feelings are completely unfounded, why do i still feel this way?? i've spoken to her about it.  she reassured me and i felt fine for the time i was with her but once we'd left each other for the evening and i had time to think again most of the worries came back. please can someone help of offer a few words of wisdom...i think i'm probably just worrying over nothingÂ