Friday, 29 August 2008
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Worried About My GF 2000 Miles Away
This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.One of my major flaws is that I get jealous easily. I don't mean jealous as in, "OMG! He has the newest (insert product here)! I have to get it too or one up him!" I mean I get jealous in relationships. The slightest mention of another guy, especially a guy that I don't know, bothers me. I suppose it's low self-esteem or something, but I tend to think that the guy will try to take her away and succeed. If I know or have met the guy before I won't think much of it, but still there's a slight tugging of the heartstrings when she mentions them for no apparent reason.
However, I'm not a control freak boyfriend. My girlfriend goes out and does things with whomever she wants. I'm not going to stop her from doing anything; granted, she's 2000 miles away at the moment and I'm not in any position to even try. Yet, even when we are close, I don't stop her. That's one of the worst things that I could possibly do, and it's one of the most hypocritical things as well. If I can go out with my female friends, then why can't she go out and meet random guys, right?
The thing is, my girlfriend is smart, funny, witty, social, talented, and, to top it all off, beautiful. I worry that she will meet some guy that will sweep her off her feet and that she'll be gone. I'm even more worried that some guy will hit on her and go beyond just words to actions when I'm not there to help her. I've been around her long enough to hear some of the things that people say to her and see the amount of heads she turns. I don't mind if they look at her or call out to her, but coming up to her and hitting on her is another.
Maybe it's just me being territorial. I'm a guy. There's a part of me that needs to make the world known that she is "mine". Seeing strange guys talking to her makes me uneasy, especially when I'm around and they're still hitting on her. I'm sure she unconsciously flirts with them and doesn't really mind the attention, but that's another part that bothers me. If any strange guy touches her, I would have the instant urge to drop them. It hasn't happened yet (both the touching, to my knowledge anyway, or the dropping), but I'm sure that's what I'll do.
Generally, I'm not violent and I don't like senseless fights, but I just can't help but get angry when it comes to this. Am I wrong to feel this way? She's 2000 miles away for school and when she tells me some guy hit on her, it drives me crazy. I don't know if I should tell her I feel this way or if I should just let it go.Do you get jealous easily? How do you deal with hearing about your SO's encounters with members of the opposite sex when they're far from home?
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Comments (75)
You should like you don't have a lot of trust in her -- which you should. If you have a problem with being jealous because of insecurity, talk to her about it. Perhaps she can reassure you or help you. If you are to have a strong, mature relationship -- you'll need trust, honesty, and communication to make it work.
The more insecure that you are and that you are jealous, you will most likely to lose her -- and that's something that you don't want to happen, obviously. So yes, just talk to her about how you feel. Keep your relationship with open communication -- anything that happens, just feel free to talk about it so that you don't feel bothered if you should or should not tell her things.
That means that you should let her know that sometimes you feel insecure (or however you want to phrase it) when you're not there. Make it clear that it's not that you don't trust her, but you don't trust the other guy across the room.
It's fair to say that jealousy really has little place in a healthy relationship, but I think we can all relate in some degree to your predicament. With my current guy, I just realized that being jealous really wasn't helping either of us--it make me paranoid and it likely made him edgy. I do my best to trust him in every way, but I understand if this may be a different circumstance for you. I think of my lack of jealousy as being kind of an investment; if I don't let it get out of hand now, it won't be a problem in our future.
I used to be a really, really jealous person and I very well could be once again. I find lots of great things about my boyfriend (the least of which being that he's a cutie) and I know that he catches girl's eyes--even--ESPECIALLY--when he doesn't realize it.
When he tells me about run-ins he has with girls, it makes me feel comfortable that he's not hiding anything. I trust him to tell me if something changes.
Good luck on the long distance thing, my friend. I know it can be tough (but also VERY rewarding--distance makes the heart grow fonder, you know?).
(that was kind of rambling.. sorry!)
sounds like you think she's too good for you. whether or not that it true, you need to straighten out your head.
treat her right, and she will know that you're the best for her. she won't ever choose anyone else if it comes down to it.
i get jealous easily, but i tend to ignore it unless my gut is really telling me something.
I used to not be a jealous person. In fact with the last person I was with (we were separated by distance too), I actually LIKED hearing about other girls hitting on him. I could see it made him more confident and I was confident that it didn't mean anything to him. It made me find him more attractive to know all these other girls were interested in him, but he was with me. Then it happens, a girl got too close and successfully took him away from me. And I don't think I've ever experienced anything as vile as jealousy.
I think it's a natural thing to worry about, so long as you don't let it get the best of you and control or damage your relationship. You have to trust the other. We can't always think the worst will happen.Â
I agree with Pterota. If she knows you feel this way, why does she continue to convey these inevitable (and meaningless) encounters of hers? Some part of me thinks she may enjoy the reaction it causes you - boosts her own self-esteem in a selfish way.
On the other hand, yeah, you are too jealous. Wouldn't you rather feel secure in a relationship knowing that no matter what comes your girl's way, she'll be true to you? People are going to hit on your girl, get used to it or don't date such beautiful women. Be realistic, and trust that she will make the right decisions. If you can't... well how to tell a jealous type not to be jealous??? I don't know how to convey that. For me though, it comes from trusting that the universe will draw to me what is best for me and the rest simply won't work out. So though a breakup hurts me, I can see through it eventually and know that it was in my best interest to let it go. I have never experienced anything bad that didn't -after enough time- turn out for the better, make me a better person, open up new avenues for me in life. You have to find some trust in life in order to trust in others, I think.
I say drop-kick the negative thoughts you're having. We all have doubts sometimes, but if you pay attention to the negative thoughts in the back of your mind, they soon become the main thought you have. Then, it's harder than hell to get rid of them because you're paranoid about them, and it just creates new problems. (See my most recent post, for a better explanation). Maybe she's missing you and is wishing you were the one hitting on her, giving her attention. She may be fishing for something from you.... a compliment, to reassure your feelings (I know I like to hear how someone
feels about me even though I already know). When she says someone hit
on her, say something like "you're incredible, I can't blame them, but
too bad for them, because you have someone who is crazy about you."
I was sort of dating a guy who always told me girls hit on him, told him he was hot, tried to get on him, what have you. I admit, I got completely jealous. That could be a good reason why we are no longer dating. He told me about other girls because he wanted to see how I would react. I reacted alright, by getting upset. He was fishing for me to give him a compliment and attention, and I just got mad and made myself look like a douchebag.
It is difficult not to feel a little jealous since your gf kept telling you about guys hitting on her. She wants attention and probably feels insecure about you. A little jealousy in a relationship is healthy but not when your gf is touting for attention and using jealousy as an aid. I see her wanting a lot of attention especially from you and it has to do with the distance. Of course, there are 2 sides of the coin to this. You can talk to her about how you feel and what is her purpose in telling you about these incidences. She could just be telling you her day-to-day happenings and not trying to evoke jealousy. Besides, you should know her personality by now and learn to have more faith in her.
. So, away with all those insecurities that can really destroy a great relationship.
My SO and I are 5000 miles apart. I travel for work sometimes, I meet guys from all walks of life all the time. I know how he is like and he is just as territorial and possessive as I am. We talk about feelings of jealousy when we are apart but we know each other very well and we are committed to one another. I've seen women hit on him and realize that he only has eyes for me. He has seen how guys hit on me and my respond to those, he just simply loves me even more but did mention that if they even lay a hand on me they are dead
I hiss (mentally) at the other person then ask my luffer what he did. Since he never responds to their advances and shoots them down it's okay. But just to assure myself I ask him, 'mine?' and he replies 'all yours' with a smile and everything's all right again.
He does the same thing when the situation is reversed too.
ha i hate to admit it but i feel the same way. thus my hesitancy to do LDR even though the girl i pine for is also 2000 miles away.
like others said, i think it's ok to FEEL this way, but you cant let it consume you and the only way is to keep living your own life and keeping occupied.
though it's easier said and done. i like what one guy said and i do the same, if i cant trust her, i should not get involved because i'm only going to end up driving myself crazy or driving her away either directly or passive aggressively.
me and my boyfriend were long distance for over a year... and one thing that kept us going strong... is we are both completely open and straight forward with each other. He lets me go out and do what i want... and he does what he wants... i mean... reguardless its sitting home playing video games.... but.... if he wanted to go out... id let him... we respect each other and each others space and not a minute went by where i thought he was cheating on me.... relationships are based on trust without trust its turns to crap.... controlling demanding... and more like work than fun...
we tell each other everything... him not being jealous of my guy friends... and calling em hun and stuff and me not being jealous of him calling chicks the same... i know im his... and he knows hes mine.... and we both wouldnt have it any other way.... sure we flirt... its the way i am and its the way he is... but never ever have i cheated... never have.... never will...and no i dont need to know where he is 24/7 he can tell me and i trust him. we have now been living together a few months and well... it had its roughness but were more in love now than ever and because of the honesty theres no need to hide ANYTHING from him.... sure people are entitled to their privacy but.... to us... were each others best friend... its the most amazing feeling in the world... to just trust someone... completely
whats meant to be is meant to be... one thing i always tell people in long distance realtionships.... is before things get serious... you need to sit back and realize... are you willing to pick up everything and leave.... or are they willing to pick up everything and leave... i met my boyfriend on world of warcraft.... and well one thing that stopped us in the beginning was the distance.... he felt that it would go nowhere... so i went to see him... and after i got home i realized... i needed him i wanted him... so i promised him before our 1 yr anniversary id be there... with him.... and here i am... in Indiana... but.... it was a lot harder than i thought... leaving everything wasnt easy and in the beginning i found about 302984029384 excuses to go back home.. i just missed my shitty family my little bro my friends that i hardly even knew... it was rough... but if youre not willing to make the change... and fight for love.... then theres no point looking a few states over. LDRs can be great but theyll never get serious unless someone commits... and you know how you know someone loves you... if you tell them i dont wanna leave... theyll say... well then ill come to you... sometimes i dont realize how amazing my boyfriend is... but dont tell him that lol =]
My SO's father lives across the country and my SO goes out to see him every year. Joe (my SO) used to live with his father, so he knows a handful of people out there.
Last year, while he was visiting his father, Joe called to tell me that he ran into his ex. I'd never even heard of this girl, and yet she saw Joe with his grandma and decided to run over and say hi. Joe was very honest with me, telling me that she surprised him by hugging him, but that he left quickly after the encounter. Needless to say the idea of some girl he used to date hugging him caused my head to spin.
This happens all the time, girls Joe knows coming up to him and throwing their arms around him, reguardless of if I'm there or not. Each time I want to rip their arms off with my bare hands, but I don't.
It's hard having a good looking, nice, charming, intelligent, wity, driven SO because I know others see those traits, too.
I guess to answer your question, yes I do get jealous. Very jealous.
she's probably cheating on you :P
just talk about it. isn't that what a relationship is all about? talkin and hangin out n stuff
I think you're correct in saying that low-self esteem, insecurity, is your problem. But trust her that she has chosen to be with you, and not those other guys, because she sees something in you that matters more to her than whatever you imagine they have. Also, it might not be a bad idea to say "You know, I worry about you when you tell me these guys hit on you. Are you handling it okay? Do they leave you alone when you ask?" or tell her that it bothers you a bit. Maybe she's insecure too about your feelings and wants to make you jealous? I think you should be honest and tell her you're struggling, you don't want to be, and could she not tell you about it when guys hit on her. Or, if you really feel this is a serious problem, talk to a counselor at school. They can help you get a handle on it.
I'd rather have a boyfriend like you than the one I had who used to say I couldn't find anyone else to date if we broke up. At least you care.
She's lucky to have you. It's obvious you really see how great she is. Jealousy is normal I think and I think you have a healthy perspective on it. You know how you feel and why and what is wrong with it and how to control it. I think casually letting her know how you feel might not hurt, but only if it's very casual. You obviously don't want to push her away. I or anyone else can give you all the advice we want but no one knows your relationship better than you do. You probably have a good idea of what her reaction will be if you know her as well as you seem to. Long distance relationships are hard, everyone knows that so I think she'll understand. Let her know, but make sure it changes nothing. I've seen jealousy tear couples apart when they let it get the best of them, but you seem to have a healthy perspective on it like I said.
hmmmm surprisingly, this sorta thing happens a lot.
if she is mentioning another guy to you, it IS to make you jealous. apparently SOME girls have the need to make the guy who they're involved with a little bit insecure.. gives them a feeling of "power" if you may call it that.. don't worry though.. just tell her that you're a bit jealous and she'd be happy..
Jealousy is a good thing...in small doses.
You should trust her and just show that you care and that is enough.
You can't really control what other people do to your SO but just believe that they can handle it on their own and I'm sure they've been doing it long before they met you. They can take care of themselves when need be.
Though its refreshing to hear someone who cares so much nowadays...
Maybe you just have a lot of free time to be worrying about this...keep yourself busy?
I understand this situation a lot and you sound like a great boyfriend. Despite how much it hurts, you still do what's best for HER and to make her happy even when it's killing you. Recognize this and appreciate it before going any further. Your girlfriend probably does.
I don't know if there's much you can do other than change around your thinking: from what you say, she's given you no reason to question her loyalty and devotion to you. You need to learn to trust her. BUT... has she given you reason to doubt that?
If it's really that unbearable, then I'd suggest, honestly, find someone who isn't so perfect to you- who doesn't make you nervous. I mean, it kinda takes away from the prize if you're always uneasy about it. But I really think you can work through something like this. Plus, if you're in school especially- (I am too, and I know it's a well known prime time for all the douche bags to come out and show their most uber douchiness to the world, without regard for respecting other people's circumstances,)
This is probably the hardest time for your relationship, especially since you two are so far away from each other, and if you can work through this, it'll get better; I'm sure of it.
My boyfriend is the same way. Exactly the same way.  And as the "jewel" in the relationship, it drives me insane when he gets jealous, or starts cursing out random guy's names when I mention them as friends.  It does drive me away when he acts like that, and we aren't even a mile apart. We live on the same campus. We have been dating for 2 years before we came to the same University, he is an almost junior and I an almost sophomore, and I have friends here from my high school, a few, and really close guy friends I have known longer than him, and he gets almost angry when I mention this one guy, who I never even had any attraction towards, we were jsut best friends, and I told him that he doesn't have anything to worry about, he is just a friend, and I would never give up everything we have together for something "new or exciting" becuase we have too much history, too much  that points towards the big neon sign that says, "Happily Ever After!".
Bottom line, as long as she is reassuring you that she loves you, and she won't get infatuated by other guys when you aren't around, and as long as she talks to you like all the time, I think you two will be safe. Â It is much easier to let go of someone special when you never see them and hardly talk to them. So just make sure you guys keep a strong relationship up over the phone, email, and in communication in general. Â
Good Luck!!
I don't think that it's wrong that you feel that way about someone that you really care for and in love with. I wouldn't really consider that as insecure or low self-esteem either. I suppose the boundary between being insecure and wanting someone all to yourself can be quite thin, even with trust. The best solution is to have a better communication.
You need to relax. If you really trust your girlifriend, or if she loves you, she should stay loyal. But if you treat her badly, that's the quikest way to drive her away, not saying you are, but if she gets drunk or something, beware
Hey, I just want to say that maybe she tells you guys hit on her because she feels you should know, as a way of saying, "see, I have nothing to hide from you"... what would make you feel worse? Her telling you a guy hit on her and she blew him off, or her not telling you a guy hit on her and she may or may not have flirted back? Just a thought.
1. your insecurity will ruin your relationship.
2. she only tells you those things because it will get a rise out of you.
3. the only way to solve this stuff is by explaining how you feel in person. whining over the phone solves nothing.
4. LDR's suck. I'm in one and it is the worst experience of my life. I love her to death, but I'm glad we'll be finally able to be together and stay together in less than 3 months.
5. Get a hobby.
I think it's ok to feel jealous once in a while, especially if you have strong feelings for the one you love. How to deal with the problem... Let me see...
I know when I was with my boyfriend, he was just like you. I'm not sure if it was low self-esteem, but he would get upset at the mention of some random guy he's never met or just guys in general. Some times if there were guys out there that did flirt with me and what not, he'd be PIST!!! Of course, he told me to stop talking to them and stop seeing them. Vice-versa, I expect the same, but it wasn't the same. He knew a few girls and I ended up get jealous (funny b/c I never was the jealous type before) The way I dealt with it was I told him to limit on seeing them. And if he did, tell me so I'd know. not so that I could bother him, but it put me at ease knowing who he was with and where they would be. Know these certain things helps you get a better understand of their relationship.
I only lived a few cities away from my boyfriend so there's no problem there and I do understand she lives 1000 of miles away from you, but trust her judgement. As long as nothing goes BEYOND friendship then relax. I know it bothers you and makes ou paranoid, but it's just being able to keep your cool. Tell her how you feel about all this. Tell her that your scared of losing her and that it makes you feel uneasy. If she's kind-hearted as you say she is, I know she'll understand. Take care...
Rather than being in a relationship, I have a crush on this girl that is 2k away so nothing is gonna happen between us. But my mentality somewhat falls in the same category as you especially since I cant do anything to be with her. I guess my advice would be to let her know that you become a little jealous. Im sure you 2 will get a laugh out of it, but that might make you 2 become closer.