Friday, 29 August 2008
-
Worried About My GF 2000 Miles Away
This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.One of my major flaws is that I get jealous easily. I don't mean jealous as in, "OMG! He has the newest (insert product here)! I have to get it too or one up him!" I mean I get jealous in relationships. The slightest mention of another guy, especially a guy that I don't know, bothers me. I suppose it's low self-esteem or something, but I tend to think that the guy will try to take her away and succeed. If I know or have met the guy before I won't think much of it, but still there's a slight tugging of the heartstrings when she mentions them for no apparent reason.
However, I'm not a control freak boyfriend. My girlfriend goes out and does things with whomever she wants. I'm not going to stop her from doing anything; granted, she's 2000 miles away at the moment and I'm not in any position to even try. Yet, even when we are close, I don't stop her. That's one of the worst things that I could possibly do, and it's one of the most hypocritical things as well. If I can go out with my female friends, then why can't she go out and meet random guys, right?
The thing is, my girlfriend is smart, funny, witty, social, talented, and, to top it all off, beautiful. I worry that she will meet some guy that will sweep her off her feet and that she'll be gone. I'm even more worried that some guy will hit on her and go beyond just words to actions when I'm not there to help her. I've been around her long enough to hear some of the things that people say to her and see the amount of heads she turns. I don't mind if they look at her or call out to her, but coming up to her and hitting on her is another.
Maybe it's just me being territorial. I'm a guy. There's a part of me that needs to make the world known that she is "mine". Seeing strange guys talking to her makes me uneasy, especially when I'm around and they're still hitting on her. I'm sure she unconsciously flirts with them and doesn't really mind the attention, but that's another part that bothers me. If any strange guy touches her, I would have the instant urge to drop them. It hasn't happened yet (both the touching, to my knowledge anyway, or the dropping), but I'm sure that's what I'll do.
Generally, I'm not violent and I don't like senseless fights, but I just can't help but get angry when it comes to this. Am I wrong to feel this way? She's 2000 miles away for school and when she tells me some guy hit on her, it drives me crazy. I don't know if I should tell her I feel this way or if I should just let it go.Do you get jealous easily? How do you deal with hearing about your SO's encounters with members of the opposite sex when they're far from home?
-
recommend
- recs 4
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Related Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (75)
a lot of times, insecurity can drive a partner away. is it possible to do things to increase your self esteem - say work out, or upgrade wardrobe, or have an affair? just kidding on the affair... but i'm serious about the other stuff!
I think just because you're not SUPPOSED to feel that way, or it's wrong to feel that way, it won't make that feeling go away.
It's an issue you have to explore. Within yourself or with your relationship. Only when you know where those feelings come from, will you know how to stop them. A bunch of people telling you that you're wrong and you need to "trust her" and all that, won't help you much.
Hope you figure it out!
i think that part of the reason you're having these issues is because she's so far away for the time being. All I can say is that you should just trust her or end the relationship now before your jealousy overcomes you or you find out something pretty bad about what's going w/ your gf 2000 miles away. I think it's good that you're protective of her and all, but once your territorial instincts take over completely, it'll be hard for you to function and she'll feel responsible for making you fret this way.
I think it's kind of rude of her to even mention a guy hit on her to you. I have been hit on many times at work or out with girlfriends. I don't tell my boyfriend because it's like I'm ASKING for him to get jealous. I think she tells you because she WANTS you to be jealous. Be honest, you know it's a little immature of her.
As for your own insecurities...you need to realize that she CHOSE you for a reason. She probably wouldn't call you her boyfriend if she didn't find a lot of redeeming qualities in you. My boyfriend can get jealous too (though he would never admit it). Apparently he had a previous girlfriend cheat on him multiple times, and is worried I will do the same. I always tell him that I chose HIM. If I didn't want him, and only him, I wouldn't call him my boyfriend.
I can't say for sure, but I'm sure your girlfriend feels the same way. Hopefully, if things do ever change, she'll be honest and up-front with you. And if it bothers you when she tells you guys hit on her, let her know.
I think everyone get jealous are some point.
Not because the other person may be better or anything
just because you are afraid to lose the one you love.
best thing is, you have to trust the other person, and if both can trust each other, then thats love ;D
oh and yeah it sucks when people hit on your SO, but i guess you can take that as a compliment. At least you know that you're the one that snagged the girl that everybody wants. And if she wants to stay with you regardless of the large distance between you, as of right now you shouldnt worry about her leaving you.
@john@xanga - I completely agree. :D
oh trust me I'm exactly the same and my boyfriend isn't even 2000 miles away, we talk alot about my jealousy just to you know, have it out in the open, but I don't want him to change, I get jealous of the smallest things, him hugging another girl [granted she was his ex and her twin but still i get jealous] or when my friend [who does have a boyriend she's happy with] decided to give my boyfriend a back massage, i'm not saying i was the happiest person alive. but we talked about he and he always ensures me that nothing will ever happen and fthat he loves me, so i say you should definately talk to your girlfriend and get things out in the open :]
Before we were married, my husband and I spent the summer apart. There weren't any girls/guys for us to meet. My town is small, and all I did was work, and he's not a very social person. And I trust him.
But I used to be really jealous, when my crushes would pay more attention to other girls.
@impikachuu@xanga - i agree! also i like your screenname ^_^
your feelings are natural, just a bit insecure about the relationship having her so far away. but women are more in touch with their emotions, as long as you are able to maintain your relationship well with lots of communication, i don't think she'll leave you. besides, you got her in the first place, be confident about yourself.
@Pterota@xanga - I totally agree.
It sounds to me that she wants you to feel jealous. If it bothers you so much, mention it to her. If she cares about your feelings she wouldn't mention to you so much about other people hitting on her.
I think its natural to get mad bc as humans we are territorial. When we drive we have our own lane and when a car even starts to pass the yellow line, we honk.
I think you should tell her how you feel, of course....but replay what you already know. You know shes a great catch....so expect ppl to hit on her. What she does back...how she does back.......is what you should get mat at. After a guy approaches her...she needs to tell him she's not there to meet new guys. Talking about new guys....you asked if its ok to meet new guys. I say heck no! Unless its for school, work, or something professional. Men do not respect other men's roles. Even a woman is married...other men will flirt and attack. Women...however, tend to stop pursuing after she finds out hes taken.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I get jealous very easily too. I ask him who approached who. If he approached or initiated conversation w/ her....its on. I ask him why would he approach a stranger, did he need the time or something? I ask him if he would mind if I appraoch guys and ask about them, etc. That usually does the trick. If she approached him...I would ask why on earth would she want to talk to you for? What were you doing for her to wanna talk to him. Did he make eye contact what? Then, I would ask what they talked about. After, I ask him how would he feel if a guy came up to me bc he thought I was attractive and I continued to talk to him, knowing he wants to get my name, number, etc. That does the trick as well.
We are in the same boat. Except, he is 200 miles away. Soon, he'll be halfway around the world from me. =/ I think our relationship will come to an end then
chics dig dudes with confidence. have a little more faith in yourself. you want to be a winner? act like one! that's how you should live... we waste too much time "worrying" about trivial things. jealousy isn't a bad thing if it is tamed... and it usually makes the other person want to "rebel" more than anything. i know this because i've been there, on both ends! and there should always be a balance in a relationship. ALWAYS have your own friends. having mutual friends is great because you guys can always hang out together as a group but give YOURSELF some space/room to breathe. because JUST IN CASE if you guys don't end up being together for eternity, you'll have a backup plan (your own friends, hobbies, etc) to fall back on.
Me and my boyfriend were just talking about the EXACT SAME THING last night. We are living with three states between us for about two months, and he gets jealous VERY easily. But to make matters worse, my last ex-boyfriend still lives here, and could easily try to see me and make a move, without my current boyfriend ever finding out. It makes him worry a lot, too much, in my opinion. You need to just ask yourself whether you trust your girl to be smart enough to say no, and also make it clear to her how much you don't like guys hitting on her. :]
I agree with a lot of the people mentioned above. Sometimes when it comes to trust, you just gotta give it. It's like a leap of faith. Besides, if it's real love, what have you got to worry about? She'll be faithful.
If it really bothers you, I'd also have to say.. communicate it with her. Communication is key, especially in long-distance relationship. That's all you have. You'd be surprised at how close your relationship will get just by better communication. Also, since you're in a long-distance relationship, you're gonna have to learn how to control your feelings better. When you two share thoughts & feelings & sometimes it might bring your blood to a boil, try taking a deep breath & letting it out slowly & then counting to three. It helps & the heat kinda goes away & you can talk with a clear head to help get everything off your chest & the two of you will feel closer. I hope that makes sense! :) [It worked for me! & I'm currently in a long-distance relationship.. NYC & ATL.]
I don't think it's abnormal for you to get that twinge of jealousy or feel helpless in your situation. However, you guys just need to keep the lines of communication open and maintain that trust. Relationships have a lot to do with mutual respect and faith in the other person's ability to make intelligent decisions. I'm assuming that your girlfriend knows about your jealous inclinations and thus should make some efforts in reassuring you about the relationship you guys have and of her love for you. In the end, she chose you for a reason, but if she ends up disrespecting the relationship, there are other more worthy women out there.
Jealousy is a natural thing that you just lose as you become more secure in a relationship and as you mature. Your girlfriend is either telling you about the other dudes because she is so secure and thinks that you are as well and it wont matter or because she has low self esteem as well. The only thing that you can do, and I know it is hard being that far away, is try to work on the trust in your relationship. I know that it sucks when you get dumped or someone cheats on you. It hurts like hell, but no matter how much you care about that person then the realationship wasn't meant to be. Someone that is worth being in a realationship with isn't going to do those things.
i think youre 100% right, darn it.
i would just like to know how far it goes when you get married? i mean, if shes taken, she should atleast act like it.
LD sucks.
ppl that are easily jealous + LD = disaster.
so sorry.
You're a guy and far away from your girl so your fears are not unfounded but they sound a bit extreme. You're stressing yourself out over all this--as long as you're showing your G/F that you love her by telling her and sending her lil' things here and there, and still being the man she fell in love with, there's no reason why she should stray or for you to worry. You cant change the situation--you're far from her and can't see her every day like you want to--but be supportive and encourage her.
Something else that bothered me about your post is that you mentioned that she is "yours"--sounds very territorial. You have to remember that you dont own the girl nor does she own you--you're both in the relationship out of your own free will. You have to be secure in who you are as a person and what your girl means to you--give each other the rightful place you each deserve and support, upbuild and encourage each other while you're far apart and you should have a great relationship where jealousy isnt a part of it.
Hmm.. I don't tell my boyfriend when guys hit on me, because it doesn't mean anything (it's not like I flirt back. ) and it would only make him jealous. Just thinking of the possibility that you might lose your SO to someone else, even if it's not likely, is enough to make anyone jealous...
But.. I also think you should not worry so much, if she'd be willing to leave you for someone else just like that, she wouldn't be worth worrying about anyways.
Nope not a jealous person. I need to find someone I can trust(to begin with) If not, then I'd rather not get involved at all. Even if I were with someone, the only thing that would bother me is if she openly kept checking out guys in front of me(though even if I wasn't there, I wouldn't want for her to "check" out dudes)
Well, what I would say is that you should at least just let her know how you feel about. One of the main things I concentrate on when one of my friends has a situation like this is that if your girlfriend loves you enough, she wouldn't give a random guy the light of day to sweep her up. But, then you mentioned that she might flirt unconsciously. Well, the good thing is that you already are not trying to control who she sees or what she does. Because if you did, that would only drive her to get attention just to piss you off. But, it's common for guys to get territorial with their girlfriends and what you're feeling is no exception. I can only wish you the best of luck and hope that she stays true to your relationship.