Friday, 29 August 2008
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Dear Dr. Datingish: Are We Just Hanging Out Or More?
My ex-boyfriend (of 2 years) and I have been broken up for 3 1/2 months. He just randomly asked me to hang out.....after not seeing each other for almost 2 months...and barely talking, too. After we first broke up, I was the one who wanted to talk and hang out but he didn't want to. Now he's changed his mind.
Could it be that he just wants to say hi (like he says so)...or could there be something else behind it? Should I accept his invitation to hang out and see what he wants or decline and not bring up old feelings?
Moved On, Yet Confused
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Comments (30)
If you've moved on... then he's gone. He's probably assessed his "Plan B" and "backup" situations after breaking it off with you and they either didn't work out, or didn't look as good and wants to get back what he lost.
OR like many men who break up with you, they want a booty call.
IMO (and many others in a recent similar post), don't bother with him AT ALL. If you get a boyfriend and he still wants to hang out with you when he knows you're unavailable, maybe try it then yeah. But as for now, you're lookin like a booty call.
idk, he could've been really hurt before and now that he's feeling better wants to give it a try. maybe it is a booty call, but if you turn down the invitation you'll never know if it was innocent. what hurt can it be to see him, if you've moved on? if he tries to have sex or something goes wrong, you can just leave.
He may just enjoy you as a friend and miss having someone that understands him to talk to. I have a lot of guy friends that are still friends with thier ex's.
booty call, *cough cough*
I second alterEGGO. I have many exes as friends. One didn't talk to me for almost two years, and he considers me one of his bestest friends ever.
I don't like to judge people, so even if there's a chance it's only a booty call, you have the choice not to let it come to that. He might be planning a booty call, or he might not what to lose the friendship within what was the relationship. People can't always assume the worst of another person.
The choice, to meet up with him or to decline, is in your hands- no one else's.~ Peace and Loveeh...it could be one of two things..like sugar apples said it's up to you. if you moved on then being around him won't be anything big. but if you still have some feelings for him then you can't help but hope that things will work out. so the question is how much have you moved on? it's only been two months after a 2 year commitment....
@alterEGGO@xanga - I agree.
Just go an see what he wants.
Maybe he's ready to be friends.But if it's a booty call, then justsay no.It's funny. I just went through a similar situation. Pretty much with the same number of months & relationship years. I don't understand why people are so quick to assume he wants a booty call. I think perhaps he wants to get closure & see how you're doing. Don't assume he has hidden intentions. I'd just take it as it is. 'Cause you never know. That's what happened with my relationship. [We ended up talking after breaking up for 2 months & then we started dating & now, 4 months after that.. we're back together.] I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.
& I agree with someone who mentioned it above. It's only been 2-3 months & you've been with him for 2 years.. how much have you moved on? In my opinion, to have been in such a long & serious relationship, it's not easy to move on that quickly. I would know.
@eternal_dreaming@xanga - I agree with her, listen to someone who's been there. No your situation may not turn out the same, but it's worth a shot.
Don't automatically assume the worst. Could it be the worst? yeh of course it could. But don't turn it down on that assumption.
I'd stay away from him if I were you. He didn't want contact before, so why, now that it's convenient for him, should you go to him?
I recently just got in the same situation. My ex and I broke up and hadn't spoken for almost 4 or 5 months, out of the blue he broke up with his girlfriend and called me to hang out. I really did assume the worst, but I went for it anyways because I didn't want to regret not knowing. Ends up that we're trying to be friends, but it is a little complicated... things don't just fall together as quickly as you want. I think whatever it is he wants you should see for yourself and if it's a friendship, give it time, maybe you won't regret it.
He probably has an ulterior motive... I've been the girlfriend version of this situation where I reach out to my ex of 2 years, and the reason I did it was because I finally felt safe enough in another relationship that I didn't have to let him push me around with his emotions. Also, I kind of wanted to prove to myself that I was above and beyond him.
(Turns out it was really cathartic, I realized that he's a mess and I'm not and he's fine with where he is. I'm glad I didn't get dragged down by him)
I would say that if you don't really have anything to say to him, don't go, but if you're looking for closure, it might be good to see him.
no offense.. but are you SURE you've moved on? 2 years isn't a long time to be with someone but it's not a short time either. you may have moved on mentally, emotionally or maybe even physically.... but often times, it is the physical attraction that gets us in "trouble" if you know what i mean. only YOU know the situation best, if you feel that you might be tempted or cannot resist the temptation, i would avoid hanging out and postpone it for a much much much MUCH MUCH later time. GOOD LUCK!
Oh, & just because he didn't want contact before doesn't mean he's contacting you now because it's convenient. For some people, they don't want to talk so soon after a breakup. They are probably still in shock & trying to sort their feelings out & would prefer not having any contact with their former significant other to do so without bias. For the 2 months we were broken up, while I wanted to talk to my boyfriend, I knew I had to honor his request & give him space. I also took this opportunity to sort out my own feelings & focus on things I had given a back seat to [like my job search, my family, my friends, etc.] I had gone through a rough year & pretty much had shut down & refused to let anyone into my life due to stress. The breakup allowed me to reprioritize my life & be a healthier person. Anyways, that's a tangent.. but this is what I've learned.
Besides, has anyone ever heard of the saying, when you ASSUME, you make an ASS out of U & ME. Hence, I don't like to make assumptions 'cause when I'm wrong, I get really embarrassed. :)
However, if he is talking to you after having just gotten out of a relationship, that's a bit rough. I'd still go through with the meeting but I'd be cautious. I don't want him to come running back to me 'cause he realized he "missed" me 'cause the other girl sucked. I think it's disrespectful of our relationship that he even got into another relationship so soon after ours ended & then when that ended, he came running back to me. [This other situation, I am also familiar with. It's not mine though.]
Depends on how you broke up, what happened for you two to break up. If you meet up at, for example, starbucks and talk, that would be a good place for you two to "hang out" yet keep it neutral. It cant get physical there.
I would be careful because if you still have feelings, it may be bad--you dont know if he still has feelings or not, or what his intentions are. I dont know the guy, you do, so you have to assess the situation and decide what you want to do.
It seems that you're more of a backup plan. If I were you, I'd just move on. Why didn't he ask when you wanted to? Even if he needed time to sort things out, he should have told you straight up why he needed alone time.
Yea if I were you, I wouldn't bother with him. He either wants to insinuate something or you're just a backup plan. Maybe he even misses you, but if he didn't give you a chance to talk to him before, why should you do the same?
depends on what you're doing when you're hanging out....if it feels like you're doing the same things you did when you dated....especially if things get even remotely physical....i would get the heck out. you broke up for a reason, but you also dated him for a reason. it can be really painful to be reminded of all the good things, or worse, they can make forgetting about the bad things much much easier.
if he really wants to catch up, exchange e-mails with him. send him a link to your blog. maybe chat on the phone for a bit, til you are certain of your feelings and certain of his motives.
Booty call.
it definitely looks like a booty call. if he wanted to sort things out with you he would have talked to you soon after you two broke-up. move on with your life and don´t look back. don´t waste your time on someone like him.
To flog a dead horse, I concur, it's a booty call - and you two probably have some connection with each other still. I remember someone I was with... I still felt and thought of her for months after we decided to not see each other again.
But, to call it a booty call straight up is somewhat one-dimensional. I would think of it as:
Plan A: Booty Call
Plan B: Meet up and be friends :*D
He may try to find some familiar signals and cues from you. Maybe a light brush of his hand upon your face, etc etc. and then possibly building up to a flat out question of bootying it up. If it comes to that, you can tell him clearly that you are not available for it and are uncomfortable to do it, then he will get the message... eventually/hopefully. Just don't do anything that seems indecisive, i.e. sitting there letting him stroke you (pet you) - move away a bit and try to keep some distance or stand up.
It is human nature and the urge to try cannot be denied. I think it would be appreciated if there was a good denial. It will help both sides to move on from things and to seek new
Move on or it will just turn into an on and off kind of relationship or a booty call as others said.
Just move on girl, if it was meant to be it wouldn't have ended.
3 months, that's about the right time.....for a booty call. if you are not into him like that, just leave him alone for awhile....1 yr maye?