This is a guest blog submitted by sleepyhead. A few weeks ago, a fellow Xanga member declined my friend
invite. I had invited her to be my friend after
writing a comment on her blog. I wasn't surprised with the decline;
it happens. What surprised me was the message she sent me explaining why she'd declined; she said she was married so she didn't want to be friends.
I
didn't respond to the message; I deleted it but wondered why she
had to mention she was married when declining a friends invite. I
expected her to say she didn't know me or wasn't comfortable with an
invite from a stranger. If I get friend invites and plan to decline, I
just do it. There's no need for a message to be attached.
Since the message, I've been wondering if this woman
is in a relationship where her husband controls everything she does. I say
this because this coincides with an AIM conversation I had with
someone's BF when I thought it was her.
I hadn't seen her
online in months so I figured I would say hi - we used to be good
friend a long time ago but hadn't talked in years. I said hi and the response was "Who are you?"
I thought,
okay, she probably forgot, so I gave her my name
and then asked if she was at the computer. The responder said it was her
boyfriend. A few seconds later I was blocked.
That
conversation made me think about that woman who sent me the Xanga
message. Maybe her husband checks everything she does; what
other reason could explain her need to write she was married on a simple
friends invite?
Anyone know other reasons why she would attach the fact she's married?
Do you accept friends invites from people you don't know?
Comments (139)
it's only xanga... whats the big deal? not like you physically wanted to get in touch with her or something.
there are those jealous significant others that don't believe in such thing as friendship between a guy and a girl . . . . especially someone that is a complete stranger. her husband may be the type that thinks any guy who wants to add her, comment on her blogs, message her on friendster/myspace/facebook have other intentions (even though that may not be the case). therefore, to avoid any unnecessary arguments with her husband, she just declined all invitations stating the reason. that's my guess.
Those two situations that you described seem a bit extreme. I would never stop my SO from befriending someone via AIM or some blogging site. That just seems like it's going to far. As long as the friendships remained plutonic (or the like), then I wouldn't have a problem with it.
I do accept invites from people I don't know; I usually go to their xanga page first (actually) to see how weird they are haha.
If people seriously are in a relationship with someone who will block and remove their old FRIENDS of the opposite gender.. they seriously have problems and should seek mental help.
Seriously.
I can almost understand not wanting to be friends with a guy in realy life, even though that does seem a little insecure in the relationship. But on Xanga? You don't even really know them!
well, obviously her husband is controlling. what kind of idiot doesn´t allow his wife to be friends with other guys? c´mon, we are no longer in the stone age! jealousy is a sign of stupidity and immaturity so if you get jealous cuz your gf has male friends, you better suck it up and keep your feelings to yourself instead of trying to control her every little move! the fact that women also exhibit this kind of conduct is nauseating. if you are going to treat your partner like a slave then you better not be in a relationship AT ALL.
What a LOSER:
http://weblog.xanga.com/chrispycrunch/670175426/what-do-you-mean-by-the-term-friends.html
Big deal that the person is married, right? If the person gets divorced then where are her friends then? Some people take the term "friends" too seriously on xanga.
@FireMapleSong@xanga - ha! I think you might be right!
that's pretty messed up. I wouldn't spend too much time wondering about the couple. They have issues.
wow, sucks for her.
i do accept friend invites from people i don't know and i'm engaged..close enough to being married..lol. i think it all depends on the person. i see nothing wrong in making new friends (opposite gender or not), even when i'm in a very committed relationship. however, there are those out there that do see a problem with it. some people don't believe it's possible for two people, of opposite sex or sexual orientation, to have just a friendship.
also, could possibly be that, that was her husband..or she was just trying to get you to leave her alone..lol. =)
@Roninsabum@xanga - I agree with you. When I say I don't want to get married, some people take it as a personally offensive comment... sometimes I apologize, lol. I've gotten used to my independence and way of life, so how dare someone take it from me. Oh hell no!
i think im lucky enough that my hubbie isnt like that and me to him..we both think there is no harm in being friends with peepz online or in person..we believe we are mature enough to know our limitations.. =)
peepz pls dont control your partner..let them feel free..let them grow..it will benefit your relationship..you will enjoy each more..unless s/he has done something before to YOU, i think its worth trusting ..
I think the husband has a trust issue.
Some people make no sense like that. Like all they need is their SO so they don't feel the need to have friends. I personally can't stand people like that and I hope the majority of them grow out of it.
I can't believe anyone would stay in a relationship where that was the expected norm. I'd kill someone for that BS.
I accept friend invites from people I don't know if they don't seem to be creepy. I always check them out a little before I make a decision.
It's possible she was takes friend invites as hitting on her and it's her way of saying, "Sorry, I'm taken."
I don't accept friend invites from people I don't know either.
I think she got the wrong impression for whatever reason and wanted you to know that she wasn't interested or available for a relationship you didn't want :p
I do know some people like that. Some of my friends have very controlling partners who have to check with them to see where they are nearly every ten minutes. They have to know their friends because anyone is a potential threat.
i think that she could either be controlled by her husband, very dedicated and just wanting to explain so she doesnt seem rude, or just being cautious. I mean, even an online relationship could represent a a threat nowadays. If she becomes better friends with someone online than keeping her friendship with her husband than it's not innocent anymore.
I dont know why your "friend's" BF blocked you, sounds like insecurity on his part. Maybe they are going through a rough time in their relationship and he's paranoid.
She probably thought guys coming out of nowhere to her xanga usually want something. I accept people that I've been talking to for a bit and actually have something to say. If I don't feel that I can comment on their xanga or say anything to them, I just decline.
If I don't feel like I can say anything to them, I don't make 'em my friends.
In the first case, it could simply be because the woman is used to guys trying to pick her up over the internet. She didn't want to leave any possibility that she was remotely interested just to make sure that wasn't going to happen with you. She might also have a controlling husband, but I doubt it.
In the second case, the boyfriend needs to get over himself and his insecurities with his girlfriend. It is perfectly acceptable for a girl with a boyfriend to have guy friends that she actually talks to. If the guy won't let her, he has trust issues, or just needs to get over his ego and overprotectiveness.
@TornadoChaser@momaroo - That has happened to me twice now. I sent an old coworker a message on myspace that said "hey! long time no see, how's work goin?" and was ignored the first time and blocked the second time (they've been married for years!!) My ex from years ago was my best friend afterwards, up until he got engaged. His fiance controls EVERY single thing about what he does, has all his pw's to the computer (which he doesn't know about) and deletes anything anyone sends him.
She could be perturbed by her marriage status thus she rejected your request. I think she has more than trust issues here. '
Well, if you don't make friends how are you to have friends? You need to start somewhere.
I don't know if the person who wrote the entry is a guy (sorry) - if you are, she may feel it's just not appropriate for a married woman to have male friends on the internet. Some people just have more boundaries than others. I don't think hubby being controlling had anything to do with it. I think she was just expressing that she didn't want to make social connections that way. Don't overthink it or take it personally.
After a while, I stopped letting my ex on my computer (while we were still together)
He would go through my music and delete what he didnt like and He'd download his own shitty music onto it.
its not a healthy relationship if your not going to let that person have their personal space, i mean...shit, its called a PERSONAL computer for a reason, and if you cant trust your partner enough to leave them to their thoughts and friends online, you shouldnt be together