This is a guest blog submitted by sleepyhead. A few weeks ago, a fellow Xanga member declined my friend
invite. I had invited her to be my friend after
writing a comment on her blog. I wasn't surprised with the decline;
it happens. What surprised me was the message she sent me explaining why she'd declined; she said she was married so she didn't want to be friends.
I
didn't respond to the message; I deleted it but wondered why she
had to mention she was married when declining a friends invite. I
expected her to say she didn't know me or wasn't comfortable with an
invite from a stranger. If I get friend invites and plan to decline, I
just do it. There's no need for a message to be attached.
Since the message, I've been wondering if this woman
is in a relationship where her husband controls everything she does. I say
this because this coincides with an AIM conversation I had with
someone's BF when I thought it was her.
I hadn't seen her
online in months so I figured I would say hi - we used to be good
friend a long time ago but hadn't talked in years. I said hi and the response was "Who are you?"
I thought,
okay, she probably forgot, so I gave her my name
and then asked if she was at the computer. The responder said it was her
boyfriend. A few seconds later I was blocked.
That
conversation made me think about that woman who sent me the Xanga
message. Maybe her husband checks everything she does; what
other reason could explain her need to write she was married on a simple
friends invite?
Anyone know other reasons why she would attach the fact she's married?
Do you accept friends invites from people you don't know?
Comments (139)
i hate it when a guy wants to check everything that's yours online, and then limit you on what you can and can't do. To me that seems like a lack of trust.
i do accept friend invites from people I don't know... what's the harm? My xanga is anonymous anyway; so everyone who reads it is a stranger. Thats a great thing about xanga; it's a way to share thoughts and experiences with new people.
i can't imagine being in a relationship where the guy controls my contacts and who I am friends with. Have some trust and faith in me that I am capable of responsibly choosing my own friends! Sheesh.
If your conjecture about the controlling husband isn't correct in this particular case, it certainly is in many similar cases. I've seen many.
This also highlights one of the reasons I give people when I say I will NEVER marry. Many wonder if I will be able to handle "being alone." From what I've seen and experience in my own long-term relationship (it's over now) is that people are far more prone to lonliness in a permanent relationship than out. My ex was not at all overbearing or controlling of who I'm friends with, but even in that case other people always keep a distance when they knew I was in a relationship.
I agree with apple too; it's mistrust and insecurity.
That is stupid. o.O
I had lost touch with a really good friend from high school. I had found him on myspace and sent a message and a friend invite. No response. I tried again a few weeks later and got "Leave me alone!" Oooooookay. I had talked with another of our friends and found out that his new girlfriend is uber controlling. I doubt my friend even got to read my message and it was his girlfriend who replied. It's really sad. This friend I had known for years, he was at my wedding! I even live in a different state now but apparently I am a threat. Oh well.
If my husband ever told me that I couldn't be friends with someone, I would tell him to shove it! He could state his views on the matter and ask me not to but telling me? Nope, that would not go over well. I'm just happy that he doesn't care too much who I'm friends with. It's all about trust.
I would do it if I thought the guy was coming on to me. I've had to a couple times now after the guys in question left very suggestive comments on my blog before trying to friend me.
Maybe by "married" she meant "unable to make life decisions for myself".
but you are not really friends with the xangan, right? you've never met her in person? i never add people to my facebook that i dont know. in fact, i wish i could clean up my friends list.
or, maybe she thought you were hitting on her and she was letting you know she's married? (i think its so annoying when people always assume they're being hit on)
the bf on aim, however, is such an insecure loser!
my husband and i are very secure in our relationship, so there's no need to filter friend requests based on gender. he understands that blogging is my hobby, and to keep it alive, i need readers. even boy readers. hah!
i DO refuse friend requests if they seem too young, or just plain creepy.
it's sad to think that the BF is monitoring her that closely, and that he can't trust her to make choices on her own.
Why automatically assume she's declined with that reason bc her husband is controlling? Is there no other possible option?
I have friends, male and female, who do not have friends of the opposite sex once they get married, and it really has zero to do with what their partner 'requires', but their feeling that they, as married folk, have no business associating with the opposite sex anymore, aside from work and passing social interaction.
Also add in that, as we've established a dozen times over with your blog, you're a nice guy, but the fact remains that there are many more men in communities like these aren't. And sometimes the only way they stop is by telling them that you're married. Bc if you just decline without comment...well, I've had several try, try again.
Just my two cents.
Wow. When I first read the headline of this post, the first thing I thought of was, "Her husband is probably the jealous type." But it happens frequently. Girls usually end up saying they can't be friends with other guys just because they are in a relationship or married. And although I know they are scared to lose their SO over something like this, all it is is just friendly chatting between friends. It sucks to see a husband or boyfriend controlling them by saying who they can and cannot see, talk to, hang out with or whatever. I mean, they should have a right to see and talk to whoever they want. And if a SO can't become overly jealous or suspicious over it, then those two probably shouldn't be together.
Disturbing. Someone certainly has severe relationship problems if they're letting their SOs control and monitor their activities. Complete lack of trust much?
I can't imagine my bf going through my e-mails and AIM conversations like that. It would be too much. >_<
I've accepted friend requests on Xanga from random people. To me, it's no big deal.
I accept friend requests from strangers on xanga. I take it as a compliment because they don't know me and they're still interested in reading my writing. I don't normally accept friend requests on facebook or myspace though; that's creepier somehow.
I think any opposite-sex relationship, whether online or in person, changes when you get married. You become one with your spouse and you really shouldn't be intimate with anyone of the opposite after that. But if it's just a normal, platonic and non-intimate relationship, I don't see the inherent harm.
it was totally unnecessary since you two weren't even friends before..
@laytexduckie@xanga - I've definitely encountered the same re: the other gender, though (guys who can't have female friends b/c of controlling girlfriends).
@daeshii@xanga - Wait, some people think that marriage is a good reason to cut themselves off from society?
...Man, that's just weird and ludicrous. It's like polite society outside of the bare minimum required to subsist only exists for the purpose of mating.
Just depends. Maybe she just didnt feel comfortable being friends with a stranger?
Xo
@forgottenrevelations@xanga - They don't exactly hole themselves up in their homes and not talk to anyone of the opposite sex. They just don't make new friends who are the opposite sex. What's wrong with that?
One of my gf's is a great businesswoman, interacts with all men in the walks of her field, but she's not friends with any of them, aside from casual acquaintances/work-related. And when asked, she says she doesn't miss it. She never had a lot of male friends to begin with. When she and her husband go out, they are vibrant, charming and very warm, but they are very much involved with each other. So that automatically means there's something wrong with her?
Maybe she thought you were coming on to her? Maybe it was an excuse
On Xanga, I don't reject many friend requests...there has to be a good reason not to. I think on xanga it's more about shared interests or entertainment whereas if a random person tried to add me to facebook then I wouldn't accept because it seems like there's more implied behind that.
My boyfriend and I are really open with each other and don't hide anything from each other so he wouldn't try to control anything of mine.
It could be that or maybe she thought that you were going to hit on her.
On Xanga I do accept invites from people who I don't know. There's no harm in it, just meeting new people.
i make my decisions to accept or not based on if i feel the blogger is interesting or not and not on their "relationship status". i have subs/friends that are married, single and or have bf/gf. i hope they are subing/friending me for the same reason. now if they want to start something other than that......
definitely trust issues!! or maybe guilty...but for what? it's xanga
@daeshii@xanga - No, but I feel that voluntarily restricting yourself from making friends of the opposite gender for whatever reason short of outright trauma is, well, unhealthy.
Being friends on Xanga is just a good way to connect. I accept friend requests from people I don't know.
To not be able to be friends with someone because you are married is a very strange excuse. I don't get it!
it definitely is a trust issue if the husband has to check up on his wife like that.