Dr. DatingishMy boyfriend and I broke up two years ago. He left me for another woman - I was left heart broken and I thought that was the end of the world.
It took me a very long time to get where I am now; I am still single, and I do admit I still think of him every day.
I still think of him in every song I listen to or romance movies that I watch.
Throughout these past two years, I've still talked to him from time to time, even while he was still with his new girlfriend. At first, I was the one who kept contacting him, hoping maybe he
would change his mind again and realize that he'd lost the best thing
in his life.
I realized it wasn't doing me any good, so I forced myself to stay away from him and tried to get my life back on track instead.
He'd write me emails or call me from time to time. Sometimes I answered, sometimes I didn't - to be honest, I was still mad at him for what he put me through.
This year, he broke up with that chick (I remember he said
he'd never loved anyone as much as he loved me, and I believe that's
true, 'cause he didn't seem to be very into her). He wanted to meet up with me after he mentioned their breakup. I refused, saying I couldn't trust him and
I was afraid that my heart would get broken again.
I got an email from him the other day; here's what he wrote:
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From: Him
Sent: Monday, August 25, 2008 8:53:19 AM
To: Me
alright, you win .
I'm not gonna bother you anymore. I only contact you for selfish
reasons anyway (because it makes me happy to talk with you, you are a
kind and funny familiar part of my life).
I didn't mean to cause you any pain or make anything harder for
you. I wish there was something I could have done for you, or that you
could have relied on me for something and i could have helped or
something.
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I don't know what to do anymore. I still miss him and I do admit I
still love him.
But what does he want from me? I really cannot go
through the whole break up thing again.
Comments (64)
Be strong, girl. He's correct when he says he's being selfish. Hold out for the one that will treat you the way you deserve.
(I know, it's so hard.)
*hugs*
If you are sure that your relationship will not work out, that a break up is inenvitable if you get back together, then don't get back together with him.
It sounds like he wants to be friends. Something I learned through life, just because you love someone does not mean that you can be together. Loving someone and being in love with some one are different (or at least I think so). You have to do what you feel is right. There is still that person I think of often, even though I very much am in love with my husband and have been married for 25 years. Sometimes it is just best to be friends if you can. If it hurts to much to be friends then you just need to move on.
Probably not a good idea to get back together with him, but there's nothing wrong with being friends with him. After all, you guys get along together, right? But if you can't deal with being just friends with him, move on and find someone better. Believe me, there's someone better out there.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to stand up for yourself. He hurt you, that's a fact. You are right not to trust him again.
I was in this position several years ago, and when I got the "can I see you" phone call, I told him he'd have to make an effort...he didn't want to do that and I didn't speak to him again after that. I saw that he hadn't change, and most likely just wanted me for a booty-call. I knew that I was better than that.
It's been 2 years...have you dated other guys? Have you seen that there are guys out there that will treat you better? Don't settle for less than what you deserve...know that no matter what, you deserve the best. And a guy that's going to drop you on a whim for another girl and then call you the second he gets rid of her is not the best.
Oh my goodness, I know how you feel. I feel the exact same way about my ex, who only went out with me because he feels sorry for me. It's a different situation, but I still love him even if I hate him. It's like, I want to hurt him and then bring him to the emergency room. Don't ask.
But what I would do, is I would think about what I really wanted. Without the advice of anyone else, just my own. I would decide "Is he really worth it? Can he prove that I can trust him again?" And then I would go from there.
Considering how much it hurts to still talk to him, you're doing the right thing by not. Even he is recognizing your pain, and as much as he wishes he wasn't seeming to be the source of it, he is. You guys would probably make great friends if you weren't so in love with this guy, but you are, and unfortunately, that means you need time to build a life that he's not a part of. Give yourself it.
my situation is somewhat like urs. the guy who i thought was the one broke up with me 3 years ago. i have been dating two guys since then n in love with 1 right now. there r times when i despise the guy but i know that deep down i still want us to get back somehow. i still think about him a lot n whenever i see him my heart would beat real fast. but the thought of us getting back together, going through the same problems n arguments, n eventually breaking up is telling me that this is not such a good idea.
as hard as it is, u shouldn't get back with this guy b/c he has betrayed ur trust before. ur relationship can't never be the same once the trust is gone. can u honestly go through all the pain n heartache again if u two were to get back together n then he dumped u for some reason?
I'd be careful. It sounds like he might just want to be friends. If he's looking for a relationship of some sort with you, run; you're risking being the "rebound" girl. Particularly so soon after his break-up.
Friendship can be good. For me, I'm still friends with almost every one of my ex's. But it's not something you can force. The only reason I'm close to my ex's is that something came up in my life that pushed me toward them. When I've tried to push myself to be friends, while still wanting to be more or while still upset with them, it never has worked. It just reopens old wounds. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that you could take things slow, let him know that a relationship is out of the question, and let things work themselves out. If you're meant to be friends, that should work its way through.
That's my advice :)
I can't say I understand how you feel because it's slightly different for me. I was with my ex on/off for 10 yrs. We both agreed in the end that our relationship was unhealthy and it finally croaked on us. He was being selfish too, because he was already seeing another girl and yet still wanted to see me. He said he wanted me to be a part of his life, that he didn't want us to stop being friends. How can we remain friends after he hurt me and "betrayed" me the way he did?
The way I saw it... my ex was a good person, great friend and a decent son (I suppose). For the 10+ years that I've known him, I've never seen him hurt/betray anyone ever. When he finally did, it was to that one person that he claimed to have loved and the one person that he was the most intimate with. Sure, I loved the guy.... A LOT. I felt like my life fell apart when I found out about the other woman. I fought to win him back but realized that 1. he wasn't going to come back, 2. he was having too much fun w/ the new girl, 3. even IF he did come back, I don't think I could trust him ever again. So I finally decided to move on. It's been 5 months since all this happened, it was rough the first few months but after that rough patch, it's been smooth sailing for me.
And I agree with the other comments left above, you can love someone but being IN love with someone is totally different. I think my ex & I love each other, but we're no longer IN love. And ask yourself, if you can't trust him anymore or if you even have the SLIGHTEST doubt, why bother? It's going to take everything you have and maybe more to try to make this work. He's vulnerable now because he just broke up with that girl. Give it some time and see if anything changes. Only time will tell. And remember one thing, always always always love YOURSELF first, not him. If you're still hurting from what he's done, then maybe it isn't worth it in the end. In any event, GOOD LUCK w/ whatever path you choose.
Resist the urge...he flat out admitted he's only in it for himself, which doesn't lead anywhere good.
Hmm... Sounds like a situation I went through with an ex a while back. :\
You're doing is the right thing by not speaking to him and what not. To me, it sounds like he still cares for you, but at the same time he's unsure of what he wants from you, hence the calling, the e-mails, etc., etc.
You can try to be friends with him. That's always a good start. However, if you still don't trust him, then maybe you should keep a distance for a while until there's some kind of change.
Best of luck. :\
I was like you when my girlfriend of over 3 years broke up with me. I still tried to talk to her via phone, AIM, email. With that flase hope that maybe she'll realize what a bad decision she made and then come back. But of course, it didn't work like that. However, you case is different because he wanted to come back to you after a bit. But, for the selfish reasons he must have had in mind, it could have been something more physical than emotional. I think it was a good decision on your part to not get back together with him. Those I know who go on and off with their relationships never seem to last, and in the end, gets annoying. Not to mention, there is plenty of fish in the sea. It's really up to you if you are ready to fish or not.
@laurenmaureen@xanga - I agree. Only you know what makes you happy. That's why when my friends come with relationship problems I just sit there and listen, I may say a few but not much.
I've been in a similar situation, but my ex only contacted me to rub things in my face... if he bothered to contact me at all. He used to bring the girl he is with (same girl he cheated on me with two years ago) to the place I work to show her off! And when I was in Florida at the same time he was, he found me and used me to cheat on her!
Honestly, having been there I can say, don't trust him! He isn't really trying to score points with you. He just wants someone to crawl back to who he thinks in vulnerable enough to allow him. Sounds harsh? It's probably very true.
Even if you love him, if you really started to dig deeper again, I think you might begin to see that it isn't really the love you felt for him before. More like a familiar feeling you;ve clung to to keep your head above the water. At least, that is how it has been for me.
It has been two+ years since that boy and I called it quits. I have remained single by choice to put my life back where I wanted it. I am finally looking at dating someone new. I think I have gotten myself to a place where I can feel secure about it and even if he were to leave I could still find the same happiness I had before him.
if you think you really love him and that it'll work this time, then why not take the plunge and see what you get? deep love and passion comes with huge highs and huge lows.
if you don't think it's worth it, then let it go by and stop thinking about it (i know... easier said than done).
if MV were to come back tomorrow and tell me that he'd seen the light and was gonna ditch his whore to come back to me, as much as i love him, i'd still turn him away. not because i'm afraid of getting hurt, but just because i know our baggage alone will kill us. even if things manage to get back on track, the hurtful things that have been said and done don't go away. and they hurt more than they're worth the second and third time around.
i like fresh starts. and if you have a lot of history with a particular person, no matter how hard you try, there is no fresh start.
don't do it. dont be his friend until you are completely over him and dont allow him into your life until u know he's over you because things can get really tricky and messy with exes being friends with old feelings. if you really want him in your life, give your relationship a fresh start and if you cant bring yourself to get over him then thats unfortunate. you deserve better, let him wait for you for a change.
Xo
wouldn't it be great if he wants to get back with you and start all over? however, you're also running the risk of allowing all those feelings to come back but only to find that he just wants to find comfort in you. we, as human beings, found the most comfort in what (or who) we are most familiar with.
so it's ultimately your decision whether you want to take a chance or not . . . . nonetheless, i wish you all the luck in the world.
everyone deserves someone special!
it doesn't sound like he wants to get back with you. it sounds like he feels guilty and he's walking away.
i've been in somewhat of a similar situation. there was someone i thought was the one, but he skipped over me for other women. he apologized for not treating me the best and not being there, but he still didn't care for me the way i wanted him to.
in that case, it's best to just let it go and walk away. it will take time to get over, but you need a clean break...no talking to him, no replying to his contact, no nothing. as hard as it is, you can't change him but you can change yourself. You need to be free for the right person to come along that is trustworthy and will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
This is what I know... I'd rather have someone new break my heart than have someone who has broken my heart in the past break it again. I may sound bias, but to me it would be my fault if I allowed myself to knowingly get into a situation where I would get back with an ex and have my heart broken again. It would be a much bigger tragedy if when I got my heart broken for the second time, it was for the exact same reason that it got broken the first time.
"I wish there was something I could have done for you, or that you
could have relied on me for something and i could have helped or
something."
Yah he could have not have smashed your heart into a million pieces. Understand, he left you for another woman. You know what that means? That means, from a guy perspective (and everyone's perspective), "I don't think our relationship will make it or is strong enough to make it, I want to date and screw around with this other chick because it kind of seems like it could make it but if it doesn't I want to keep you on the side just in case, always have to keep my options open you know." People aren't plan B's so stop being one.
Yah I know it hurts right now but just remember that he broke up with you. By potentially getting back with him again you:
1) Lose credibility for having any type of push or say in things or even standing up for yourself
2) Open yourself to having it happen again because apparently he can get away with it
I have two friends who were in my circle of friends from middle school and high school. High school sweethearts. They had been together through so much. And he broke up with her near the end of the 1st year of college pretty much for that reason as your ex. Pretty much because he wanted to see if other "things" and I guess in his mind he could always get back with the girl. He was wrong, I will be honest his gf, who is also a friend of mine, is a catch. And sure enough she found a bf who she has been with since. The guy has kicked himself since and knows he made a huge mistake. But its his fault. He blew it.
I know it seems hard but as perfect as you think this guy is, and maybe he is. Based on the things he has done he is not the one. Cause people who feel strongly about a relationship don't end it to be with other people.
My suggestion, since you waited two years. Give him two years and he still feels the same way and you still love him, what the heck get back together. Give him the same miserable 2 years he gave you. And if he is still dying to get back with you then decide then. Chances are though he won't bother.
In my experience, guys keep in touch with exes (even if they are in a relationship) and keep up a good face for one reason, and one alone: booty.
It's a sad truth, and once you get that sort of email, it's because he either is ACTUALLY giving up, or making you think he's giving up - reverse psychology to make you want him.
Either way, I don't think this guy deserves the chance. He JUST got out of that relationship and if anything, his ego is bruised and is looking for a way to boost it.
Wow, ex-girlfriend who still is in love with him. PERFECT! Perfect rebound/replacement for the new hole in his life.
Unless he makes some amazing display of his profound love, devotion, loyalty and trust, I would say no way in hell.
STAY AWAY. "Alright you win"??? He's already giving up on you, even with the seemingly sincere and sweet message about you being a "familiar" part of his life.
I'm actually all for second chances, having just given one to my BF. But I think the heartbreaker needs to make a stronger case for himself. If you want to be with him, you need to articulate exactly what you need in order to trust him again. If he can't meet them, then he's only going to break your heart again.
I totally understand being in that situation, because I'm in it right now. I was somewhat of a rebound girl. He made it clear with his words that he didn't want a relationship, but it was kinda hard to see that when I ended up in his bed one night. Eventually things were becoming strained for him, but instead of telling me honestly, he slowly distanced himself and assumed that I'd just get tired of him and move on. On top of that, he ended up getting back together with his girlfriend.
I felt like he treated me like trash, and I know I won't be able to trust him for a very long time. Yet even now it's hard for me not to talk to him. I keep struggling on whether I should resume my friendship with him, because I know he didn't mean to do what he did.
You can forgive someone for what they did to you, but trust doesn't come right away, and you don't have to force it to. It seems like you need some time away from him. Continuing to have him in your life is like walking on a broken leg--you think things are better because your leg doesn't hurt anymore, but once you start walking on it the pain comes back. Let your heart heal completely first, and once that happens, you have to decide if what he wants from you, whatever it may be, is worth the risk of letting him come back into your life.