This is a guest blog submitted by spiritedsherry. In our marriage, there is no such thing as too much honesty and openness; Derek is an open book and I'm
like an audio book on auto-play. There is absolutely nothing that we
keep from each other.
I think we can all agree that
communication is key to a strong relationship. But there are some
things we share that are honest, but potentially hurtful to the other
person, damaging to the way the other person sees us or downright
embarrassing or socially taboo.
Here are some examples of unreserved candor that either we or our friends have shared with a significant other:
- She thinks he's ugly and has a prematurely receding hairline/huge nose/buggy eyes
- He watches the nastiest porn. Think 2 Girls 1 Cup is gross? He's into even nastier stuff
- She has a crush on her new co-worker
- He realizes he might be bi-curious
- They know every detail about each other's sexual history with the exes
- She considers his religious faith as proof that he's brainwashed
- He thinks she's flat-chested/getting fat/got the ugliest haircut ever, etc.
- She's into really kinky stuff.
- He thinks she's not that bright
- She suspects he may have halitosis
- They use the toilet in front of each other, including #2
- She has violent and disturbing thought crimes
- He checks out hot women and points out why they're hot
- She thinks some of his techniques in bed could use improvement
- He thinks she used to be a big slut
- They know each other's darkest and dirtiest secrets
Believe
it or not, these couples are very happy together and have healthy
relationships in spite of (or perhaps thanks to) the brutal honesty
they exchange with each other. Of the five couples I took these
examples from, two are happily married (including us), one is currently
engaged and another two have been together for 4+ years.
I am
always saddened when I hear about a case like Max Mosley's
sadomasochistic orgy. Not because I'm saddened by his eyebrow-raising
sex life. What consenting adults do behind closed doors is their own
private business. What I'm saddened by is actually his secrecy. He had
been doing
S&M for 45 years but kept it a
secret from his wife of 48 years.
The first she'd heard of it was when the scandal broke out in the
media. It makes me sad that he felt he couldn't share such a major part
of his sexuality with his life partner. And it makes me sad that she
was kept in the dark and that there was a side of him she didn't know
about.
I know that every couple's dynamics are different and
that such unreserved honesty and openness are not for everyone. In
fact, some people are as pure as angels and probably don't even harbor
such offensive thoughts in the first place. But for me, personally,
censorship and secrecy in my marriage would be the greatest offense of
all.
Is there such thing as TOO much honesty and openness in your relationship?
If
you were Max Mosley and S&M was a major part of your sexuality,
would you be honest about it with your wife? Or if you were his wife,
would you want to know?
Comments (30)
O.o
I think that honesty is very important. I am the type of person that tends to blabber quite frequently. My boyfriend, however, does not. He'll answer questions if I ask him, but he normally does not offer information to me.
So when we started dating, I told him everything. EVERYTHING . . .down to how I cheated on my ex. I figured that somehow he would figure it out eventually, and I wanted to be the one to tell him rather than he find out from someone else on accident. Sure, he may have been caught off guard, but according to him, my honesty was reassuring. A true sign that I didn't have any intention of being dishonest again.
I say tell it all. You never know what kinds of secrets they may have too. The sooner the better.
Honesty is important in a relationship, but brutal honesty can break it apart. Do you have to tell them that their nose is way too big? What good does it do? I know that brutal honesty almost broke a friendship of mine, I can't imagine what it would be like if it a was a romantic relationship. Then again, it's not the same thing.
A secret as huge as that, I would like to know. Because its such a huge thing and such a different side of that person that once it comes out in the light like that, you feel that you don't even know this person as you thought you did.
I agree that secrets as such should bed told at the beginning and not to wait until they spill out.
I think that in the case of most of those things you mentioned the relationship might seem healthy but it likely isn't very healthy.
A couple being married does not mean they have a healthy relationship nor does them being together for 4+ years. Those are simply signs that they haven't broken apart yet for whatever reason.
Some of those remarks show zero respect for the partner and if you don't have respect for your partner then the relationship is not healthy regardless of how long you've been together.
I think honesty is good, but couples don't need to be 100% transparent with all their deepest secrets and sexual escapades right off the bat. I think that creates premature intimacy and girls especially can confuse that emotional intimacy with love. With time (and perhaps a ring on the finger), transparency is important though.Â
If it was a major part, yeah. I think she'd be kind of surprised if you just pulled out the whip chain and ball-gag one night...
There is such a thing as too much honesty, though. I don't think I could stand it if a guy told me about his pooping habits...that's more of a "brother trying to gross you out" thing.
I think that as individuals, we are entitled to our own little secrets. I don't find knowing that your partner thinks your nose is too big essential to having a good relationship and honestly, I don't want to see anyone using the toilet for a #2. Maybe it's just me. If it's really that big of a part in your life and your sexuality though, then that's not something to hide from your own wife.
There's honesty & then there is insulting. I have to wonder - if someone finds their partner unattractive, why see this partner? I guess thinking my partner is ugly is a non-negotiable. I have to consider my partner smart, attractive, & a 'good human being' (by my standards). That doesn't mean s/he has to be better looking than everyone else, but let's just say I don't want to have to turn off the lights every time to have sex.
I'm usually pretty honest with my partner. I tell him what things he does that don't work for me in bed. He gets frustrated sometimes but it's better to address those issues than let the problem grow. I tell him who I find attractive, he tells me what he finds irritating, etc.
It will be 5 years this October and we're happy with each other. We don't feel 'stuck' in a relationship. We don't resent each other. You can really be honest without being rude (and personally, I don't think it's rude to say that you find someone else attractive).
honesty is important but anything that disregards my feelings or disrespectful to me is unacceptable
there are secrets worth keeping, just not the ones that can affect the relationship.
I think sometimes people who just tell all in one sitting or one day just seems fishy to me. Don't get me wrong, honesty is huge factor in relationships, but I think that people should take their time and work up that trust. If someone came up to me and just told me a lot of things about them and their life in such a short time (a short time for me is a month or two of dating), I would honestly have a hard time believing them right away. If it's a secret, no one should be so quick to tell all.
Honesty, first, should be shown in the form of telling the truth whenever asked, whenever the issue comes up. Being honest about who you're with, what you've done, etc., and not avoiding any of the questions.
Then, after that trust is built, the unleashing-secrets can begin.
But as I was saying, I think it should take time rather than be unleashed instantly into the relationship.
I think you can be honest without saying every little thing that pops into your head. Sure, I'd like to know what he likes sexually. But hearing he thinks my chest is too flat or that my hair is too curly or whatever...what good does that do me? I can't grow boobs on command. My rule of thumb is, if the person can change it and changing it would make the relationship better, say something. If it's something they have no control over or are already insecure about, leave it be.
me and my hubbie is very open to each other...we know each others past..we share what others will consider very humiliating..
sure some things are hurtful the first time you know it..
but its great to know we could look past that and still remains in love..of course it takes time to tell everything..and security with your partner...it just comes out naturally, the tell-all..when you realized s/he is the one, i think its worth baring yourself...
through good communication, you know how to be sensitive to your partner's feelings..it also avoids having jealousy in the picture..sure there will still be misunderstandings..but only to make your already colorful relationship brighter..
I believe honesty and openness are the most important things in the world. How could you truly know and trust each other without it?
My friends know me to say anything about myself or someone else, and I mean ANYTHING. I'm basically a book that you can pick up and read if you wanted to. Sometimes being too honest can get you into trouble, but for the most part it's a really good thing to have, and if you do, you shouldn't be ashamed of it. Keep on doing what you're doing and you'll be fine.
Yes, I think you can be too honest. Like I told my girls. If some one gets a new hair style, cut, color, etc.... If you don't like it, don't go up and say "I don't like your hair", why? what is the purpose and what good has it done? In a relationship you must show respect for one another and some of the examples you gave were disrespectful and down right rude. Just because someone has been together for a while does not necessarily mean it is a happy, healthy relationship. People stay in relationships happy or otherwise for many different reasons. I am sure you know some that have. And I agree totally with EccentricSiren. Some things you should tell, others you shouldn't . If you took money out of the account tell him/her if not it could cause problems, but don't tell me I'm fat, ugly, my feet are to big, etc.... why, it doesn't do anything but make that person insecure and what can they do about big feet, being ugly is an opinion that is all, weight however you can do something about, but fat to one may not be fat to another.
Have you ever heard of Radical Honesty? If not, you might want to check it out; I think you'd like it. It deals with the idea that removing the filter of lies that our society encourages us to build around ourselves will break down the barriers that keep us at arm's length even in relationships as intimate as marriage.
I'm into self-development, personally, and I've realized that trying to become a completely honest person when I'm not one already is a very difficult thing to do. I can certainly appreciate it. It's what I want to be eventually, because I think it's fantastic that in relationships like yours, two people can have that sort of a bond and be completely accepting of each other. If that's not love I don't know what is.
@EccentricSiren@xanga - I agree
total honesty is not easy. If it's too true to be good, it probably is.
i think if i were her, i'd rather not know.
but maybe i'm just being naive.
i just don't think we need to share absolutely ev-ery-thing!
I would have wanted to know. Lol.
Xo
if both parties are open-minded, i think complete honesty is the way to go!
Maybe he should have married someone who could be a part of his S&M. I would have been devastated..This is a BIG secret.. I wouldn't say something that would be hurtful to my SO, if it couldn't be changed..
I think honesty and openness is important.
I mean, we're supposed to love our SO despite flaws, right? :\
My SO and I are too honest with each other, haha.
I don't like some of those. There's no need to be overly honest when it's something that will do nothing but hurt your significant other. The point of communication is to strengthen your bond. So communicate things that you'd appreciate being reciprocated. Not that hard
i wish i could achieve that kind of honesty with my SO. =(