This is a guest blog submitted by hopelessromantic. Okay, so I have a little bit of a complaint/question about men - what is with the phone games?
For
some reason, almost every guy I have ever met follows the three day
rule exactly. Pretty much without fail, I can expect to hear from a guy
exactly three days after I've given them my number. On the one hand,
this is nice because I can usually assume that if I don't hear from
them after three days, they aren't going to call and I can forget about
them. But on the other hand, why three days?! Not that I need you to
call me the next day but I'm not going to think you're desperate if you
do. And why play games and follow these silly made up rules?
Call me
when you feel like calling me and when you have the time to do so.
Believe it or not, even if I really like you, I'm not sitting by my
phone waiting for it (especially with cell phones all popular now and
whatnot) and I'm not going to read a lot into
when
you call because I just don't care and I don't play those kinds of
games. The only time I read anything into it is when you call me
exactly three days later. Because then I can't help but notice that
you're playing it safe and following the rules and honestly that's a
few points against you.
The other thing that really bothers me
is guys who text you first. I never use this word but I have to say it
- that's just a pussy move. Grow some balls, pick up the phone and call
me. Texting is lame. You text people when you don't have time or the
ability to call them and you want to say something short and concise.
You don't text them to ask them out. That's just cowardly.
If I've just
met you and given you my number, I want you to call me - n ot text me. I
want to hear your voice and have a conversation so I can get to know
you better since we've only just met and all. I can't get to know you
better in 160 characters or less and I'm not all gung ho about going
out with some guy I haven't even spoken to since I met him.
I'm
sure there are other stupid "rules" I'm forgetting when it comes to
calling a girl whose number you've gotten. Anyone care to add to the
list?
Recommend
Comments (32)
I personally value my time, so if I can text someone while I'm busy doing something else, I'll usually take that route. That doesn't mean I'm a p****, that means I'm intelligent for making efficient use of my time.
It's my recommendation to you that if you don't want someone to text you first, you should make that CLEAR when you give out your number. Otherwise, you may miss out on a great, intelligent guy when he was just making the most of the little time in his arsenal.
3 days? First day to recall who you are and how you look like and how you guys met amidst other stuff. Second and third days to rummage through his long list of phone numbers and try to place number to face to name maybe... well, I don't think it is the phone games that guys play. They don't actually. If they call you then yay! if they don't, you just move on. I've learned one thing and that is when guys are minutely interested in you they will make some kind of contact. You don't have to wait 3 days.
It's not the guys' fault that we have to deal with this "game". Personally, I think it's stupid too, but a lot of girls would think that if the guy called right away (that same night, the next day, whatever), he'd be "desperate", and the girls would be turned off. It may not be the case with all girls, but many of them would feel that way.
The whole story behind the "3 days rule" is to make the girl feel anxious enough such that some would actually wait for a phone call, and when they finally get the phone call, they'd be all excited about it. I don't know, I don't get it either.
It's just part of the game, deal with it =D. Or even better, go call the guy yourself =P.
BTW, nothing wrong with texting. I had to do it once when my call wouldn't go through. Believe me, I'm not a wimp :).
@afburd@xanga - Very well put.
I went to the bar on Friday night and a girl left me her phone number-first one in a couple of years-and I called back on Sunday night, that's two days.
The phone conversation was bordering on gauche and after the first two minutes she was interrogating me about what I did for a living.
I was thinking-wow!, I was just trying to lead up to asking you out for coffee in a couple of days-but now!
UGH!!
I think men and women have equal complaints about the whole phone-number issues.
I have major issues with texting too. It's one thing when you're texting because it wouldn't be appropriate to talk on the phone in a particular circumstance, but if a guy rarely picks up the phone to call me, it drives me nuts. Texting takes me so much longer and it's artificial communication. I know at least two guys that refuse to contact me via phone. They IM me or text me all the freaking time. Why??!! $^&#@!
for me, i specifically ask people to text me because i live in a place with very bad service... and while i will always get a text (within a couple minutes of it's being sent, if not immediately), a lot of times when people call me, it goes straight to my voicemail.
so... i prefer texting, at least in my situation. it's also kind of polite in some ways. if i'm with friends and a guy texts, i can be more discreet about replying and setting up a time when he might call than if he calls and all my friends are listening.
i really have no problem with texting, it may seem 'pussy' to you, but i myself really hate talking on the phone... even for work, when my boss gives me a task of calling people, i'll do it, but i tend to pace and do nervous habits when i do. unless it's my best friend, who called me everyday to make me ok with it, it's a very nervewracking thing for me to do, and i can't blame someone else for feeling the same way.
I don't text. If a guy does ask for my number (and I give it to him) I don't think adding that is a mandatory requirement...what if I was giving him my home number? (Yes, I do have a land line - look me up in the phone book
)
Sometimes if I get a text and know who it's from, I'll call back. If I don't, I assume it's a mistake and usually don't respond.
Won't be an issue soon though because in 13 days I will be cellphone-less.
I've never heard of the 3 day rule until I started taking advice from female friends. They would give me the same run down, calling the same day is bad, signs of desperation. Calling on day 1, somewhat desperate. Day 2 is safer, time to think about things. Day 3 is just right. I never got a good explanation for day 2 & 3. All my guy friends were like, "...if you like her call, if not then don't call." simple. Most of them added the longer you wait, the easier it is for her to forget about to you.
The best relationship I ever had was when the guy called the very next day, noonish. lol It was a shock to me at the time (since most guys do wait a period of time), but a few minutes into the conversation and I could tell he was being his genuine self. It was a great compliment!
the texting thing can be useful these days...since its not a land line your calling almost 99% of the time...mostly you could be intruding on someone you barely know while they're out on a prior engagement before you met this person...
as for the 3 day rule...i believe its girls who made these guidelines in the first place...and perhaps a girl might say they don't care about certain rules, but i find that playing along with them gets you a better chance...
another rule to the "game" is that guys have to call first...why can't girls be the first to call? if your into someone instead of waiting for them to call, assuming they call in 3 days, why don't you call them first?
now that i think of it, most of the guys i gave my number to.. they did that 3 day thing. maybe it was coincidence ? perhaps..
@sorjai@xanga - I would comment but he said exactly what I was going to say.
@afburd@xanga - Um, no. I shouldn't have to tell a guy not to text me. When you're first getting to know someone, it requires a little more time and energy and if you're not willing to put that time and energy in by calling instead of texting (which honestly, I think texting can often take longer) then why should I be willing to put in any time and energy myself? I want to hear your voice and get to know you if we've only just met. Texting is so artificial and you can't tell a thing about the person from a text message. And if you're texting me because you're "too busy" to call, that basically means I'm an afterthought. And I deserve better than that.
But don't get me wrong, I've not rejected guys who text me first. I will still go out with them. But my friend and I were both having a conversation recently about how this bugs us and that is what inspired my post.
@sorjai@xanga - I get what's behind it, I just wish that guys would be a little more courageous and not care so much about what the standard is. And texting when your call doesn't go through is one thing. But texting without at least trying to call is obnoxious.
@Dreaming_Faith@xanga - I've heard girls give this advice too and that makes me even more mad. Why are girls encouraging guys to play games?! I mean, ok, I might be a little freaked out if some guy called me an hour after I gave him my number just because I like to have breathing room and would be annoyed if even my friends did that to me frequently. But next day and beyond, I don't care.
@dannyjo@xanga - I'm not saying guys have to call first, but usually guys ask for my number and so then I assume they will call first (plus often they don't give me theirs in return). If I ask for their number, I will call first. But I've found that most of the time, that doesn't work so well and the guy gets intimidated if I ask for his number. And yes, the rules were largely invented by girls. I didn't say they weren't I just said I think they're silly and that guys shouldn't follow them. And as for the texting thing, if someone calls me and I'm busy, i won't answer and I will call them back. I won't think they're intruding because I gave them my number so that they could call me. I would much rather hear their voice and get to know them a little before we go out on a date or whatnot because you can't really learn anything about a person through a text.
@GodArt@xanga - Amen! Drives me nuts. And texting takes longer so I don't get people who say it's more convenient.
@dreamerboi23@xanga - Reference the movie "Swingers".
I forgot to mention that not only is texting artificial, but it inhibits your ability to carry on a normal conversation. And we've all heard that communication is key in relationships, so why can't we just verbally talk with each other? And we wonder why society is breaking down – nobody knows how to relate to each other anymore and we're living in these self-contained bubbles, incapable (or unwilling) to meaningfully connect with other people. Oye.
@hopelessromantic - The point you're missing here is that just because you feel the way you do about texting, doesn't mean everyone else feels the same way. You're choosing to exclude guys from your pool of available mates by expecting them to feel the same way you do...but that's your choice.
I absolutely appreciate you wanting to hear my voice because we're just starting to get to know one another, but to expect me to feel exactly the same and know that you're against texting, is choosing ignorance over communication. When you choose to communicate your desires, you'll find yourself less frustrated in these relationships...I know because I've been there.
@afburd@xanga - I'm not excluding them or writing them off because they texted me. Like I said, I will still go out with them. in fact, I really like one guy who I went out with recently who texted me first. But my initial reaction will not be as pleasant as with guys who call me. And while I do find it annoying, I didn't think much of it until two of my girl friends were complaining about the same thing and saying how they think it's lame when guys text them after getting their numbers. So I don't think I'm alone in this line of thought and that's what inspired the post. And whether you prefer texting or not, you should realize that plenty of girls may not like it so you may not want to go that route.
There are a lot of stupid rules. I know this because I often lectured about them. Of course, I never pay attention to any of the lectures because I think the games and thus the rules for the games are incredibly stupid and immature, so I just tune out immediately upon such a lecture's beginning.
The real question isn't why do most guys follow those rules, but rather why did women set up the game in the first place. Guys follow the rules because we know it is a game and most of us are scared to death of breaking a rule and losing an opportunity at something. I have never yet heard a reasonable explanation for the game exists though.
maybe some people don't like talking/chatting on the phone? i'm one of them.
I thought the standard was two days...
Which is why I wait six days!
Believe it or not, honey, most guys aren't playing a "game". Like most people on this planet, we're busy, and chances are three days is actually the soonest they can have a moment to call you, especially since you seem loathe to the amazing time saving device known as the "text message", which allows a busy person to squeeze in a little hello in the midst of their busy life.
Most of my dating advice to women about men (and to men about women) is "get over them, learn to love yourself". However, in this case, my advice is: Get over yourself.
.... every interesting question... *looks at the discussion above* hehe.
@afburd@xanga - I dont see the problem with texting either. Youre right when you say its "efficient use of my time."
Plus, if a guy texts me and i want to hear his voice ill pick up the damn phone and call him myself. Ive realized guys sometimes dont pick up on "signs" very well so Ill cut him some slack. Plus, my SO asked me out via text and we've been going out for a year. I dont think it matters how you ask if the attractions there
@FireMapleSong@xanga - Wow, I have never encountered such hostility and condescension on Datingish or Xanga, "honey." I really appreciate your constructive comments like "get over yourself." That's really very helpful. Thanks!
Plenty of guys play games. most of my friends are guys and we have had conversations about this. Not to mention guys have written books about playing "the game" or made a living teaching others to play the game. There are whole online communities of guys who base their lives on the game. Maybe you don't, and good for you. But sadly, most people (girls included) play games when it comes to romance. Sure, some guys probably call three days later by chance. But I somehow doubt that almost every guy I've ever dated has called me three days later by chance.
And as for the texting, text messages rarely save time in my opinion unless all you're doing is saying hi. It takes so much more time to make plans via text message than to pick up the phone and call someone and say "let's get together for coffee." And you can't get to know someone through text messages. My thing was about texting to ask people out.
@LyssaLullabye@xanga - I guess I don't see the "efficiency" in texts that everyone else seems to love. Making plans is especially painstaking through texts (it would be so much faster to just have a conversation and figure out where to meet and when) and it drives me nuts.
I wonder if any guys writes it in their calendar for when to call. That would be funny.