This is a guest blog submitted by sleepyhead.Being friends with an ex can be tough . . . and I know firsthand.
Last year, I
wanted to ask Danielle, one of my new coworkers, out on a date. But
she became good friends with my ex, another co-worker. Kate, my ex, took
Danielle under her wing to show her around campus and get used to her
job.
I finally mustered up the courage to ask D
out on Valentine's Day, but I was afraid Kate would have already said
something to her about me! She said she had to take a rain check for that night - the dance
team had to perform at the school basketball game - but that she'd love to go out another evening.
SCORE!
While
I was enjoying dinner with Danielle, only thinking about her, she asked me what
happened between me and Kate. I told her there was no need to bring up the past,
but she kept asking. That's when I realized they had been talking about
me. Danielle wanted to know my version of what happened, so I told her.
Kate and I didn't get along because she was trying to come between me and my
housemates. She didn't know why I hung out with those guys; they were
always loud and drinking constantly while I was quiet and reserved.
Whenever she came over, it was a mess and they'd jokingly make
inappropriate comments to make things uncomfortable. She didn’t like the fresh jokes. I told them to
cut it out when she was around. I couldn't
help who they were; some of them were my best friends.
Kate and I broke up after only a semester
together, but it wasn't that big a deal - I didn't see myself with her for
the long term anyway.
Danielle, on the other hand, got a different story
from Kate. In her version of the story, I was portrayed as unwilling to compromise, unsympathetic
and heartless. It was so funny to me that I started to laugh out loud.
That didn't help matters. I though she would be much more understanding,
but she was a freshman - she would obviously listen to what others had to
say.
She naturally believed Kate because they'd practically become best
friends. As the semester progressed, Danielle and I drifted apart, to
the point where we just said hi and bye at the office. I tried to
explain myself a couple of times but I realized it was pointless; I was
getting ready to graduate and she was just getting started.
But we had
that great chemistry - you know that feeling. It could've been great, and we could have made it work if the ex/co-worker had not come in between us.
Now I just wonder what could have been.
Was there anything different I could have done differently to make it work with Danielle? Was it doomed from the minute she and Kate became friends?
Comments (25)
it was doomed when the became friends. sorry man :/
Totally Doomed. I've been there, I know.
I agree w/ the two above.
You could have said jokingly to Danielle.....I bet my ex said bad things about me huh?? That might will make her think Kate is exaggerating or making up lies
Xo
:/ girls are crazy
Kate sounds like a cunt. Sorry, man.
D was not mature enough. Your relationship with someone should not dependant on your relationship with someone else.
From what I read, there seemed to be a conflict of interest between you dating Danielle since she was already friends with your ex. To me, that conflict of interest is what got in the way between and you D being together. One of my rules in life is never be in any relationship where there is a conflict of interest. Therefore, it was likely to be doomed when Danielle and your ex became friends, more so because they were friends before you asked her out.
It was definitely doomed from the moment they became friends. Girls will most likely take the other chick's side especially when she's making a guy look bad.
I don't think there's much you could have done. It's just really a shame that your ex resents you so much after such a simple break up. There just isn't a reason to attack an ex verbally or ruin his/her chances unless the person had some serious problems (constantly cheated, verbally/physically abusive, stalking issues etc).
All I can say is hope to meet someone who listens to your side or doesn't have anything to do with your ex.
yea my ex just got a job with my bf today...very weird specially since me and my ex just got caught relentlessly flirting over email and phone....anyways now im engaged in world war 4
I will break with common opinion and say your potential rel with D wasn't doomed because she and K were friends. It was doomed because you treated K quite poorly. D deserved to know that when the chips are down, you would choose your boorish friends over her. I think YOU should be the one to grow up and mature so that the next time you find someone special, neither your past nor your present will scare them away.
Oh, and careful what kind of company (friends) you keep. They will speak volumes about your character to whatever girl you are interested in dating.
Despite all the agreements above, I think it's rare that it would work, but still possible.
It would depend a lot on the person... I hang out with a lot of guys, so I know better than to take a recently dumped girl's opinion on a guy. However, if Kate really liked you, Danielle might not have really intended to go out with you at all... For the sake of not hurting her new "best friend".
Either way, whata bitch, it sucks that things had to end that way. :(
If she didn't give you a chance and chose to just believe Kate, Danielle wasn't worth it. Even if things were great between the two of you, she was still gonna hang out with Kate and things would get worse and worse.
If Danielle let herself get manipulated, I don't think it would have worked either way. Maybe it's just better to drift away and go on with your life without them. There wasn't much you could do.
Personally, I wouldn't have even interacted with Danielle if I knew she was getting closer to Kate. If I had, I would have taken it slowly instead of falling for her hard because it seemed that kate was going to tell her something regardless if you two were together or not.
I don't think think this was merely an example of female solidarity. I had a friend date and marry the ex boyfriend of a another girl she was friends with. I don't think their being friends doomed it, especially since your relationship with Kate was pretty brief. Danielle's age might have more to do with it, but also...
I gotta say... I'm on Kate's side in a sense. She didn't like your friends - and who you hang out with says something about who you are. So she didn't date you anymore. I don't think that means you're a bad person, or not a good person to date, but that you weren't right for her. (I wouldn't date someone whose friends I couldn't stand. Nobody wants to have to choose between friends or a SO.) Danielle didn't really give you a chance to see if you would be better suited to her, and I think that is because you laughed about what Kate had said. If you had been more diplomatic, perhaps expressed some better understanding of Kate's feelings now that you were looking back, Danielle might have been willing to give you a shot.
You said you "couldn't help who they were" and some of them were your best friends. Well, that's not really true. You could have not been friends with them anymore. But apparently you like them as they are. Kate didn't. It made sense that things ended then. Find yourself a girl who likes loud, drinking, rude friends and you're golden.
This hasn't happened to be, but yeah, it seems like it was doomed from the moment the two girls became friends. Girls tend to stick together.
I'd say so. No one is completely objective, even those who want to be. I think that with what Kate said to Danielle, no matter how "perfect" you seemed, that would have been on her mind, especially if they were friends. Girls feel a bit weird dating someone their friends dated before, or someone their friend portrays as not being good news.
Which is why it makes me slightly nervous that my love interest is getting to be friends with a former housemate of my ex. I'd like to hope she wouldn't badmouth me to him, and I would never in a million years let him know it makes me feel that way, but I still feel a bit nervous about the situation.
your word or her best friend's word?
that one was over before it started.
I my book, friends come before guys. At the very least continuing to date you would put pressure on their friendship and the friendship did come first. I suppose it all boils down to how good the friendship is. I mean, it sounds like they became friends before your ex was aware you were interested in the new girl. It's possible (though I don't know the chronology) your ex confided about her last bf experience before you asked the girl out. If so there was no malicious intent on the part of the exgf towards the new girl in regards to you. It gives her some credibility, or at least the ex's credibility doesn't lose points for it. It's not uncommon for a girls to hear experiences and hedge bets so to speak and not bother any further based on information gathered. A girl has to go by her own instincts, too. And let's face it, girls usually are more affected by relationships than guys. Perhaps your "making light of it" - even if that was the truth of the matter for you, was a warning flag to the new girl. I would not put up with a bf's buddies harrassing me (even if it was supposedly "in good humor") if it really bothered me, I'd expect the bf to take action. So you do loose points for not getting a better handle on tha situation. Yeah, prolly doomed.
Nope the only thing you could have done differently was not gone out with Kate. Kate ether believed what she said, or really hated you for other reasons. Most people trust a friend you were doomed
@flychikk99@xanga - yep. doomed
maybe the ex and your date was the problem
after all the ex did have a different story
which might have given the dater a different view