This is a guest blog submitted by sleepyhead and sahar.He says...Lately I've been completely ignoring my conversations with Deb. I don't
seem to care about what she's saying. It’s not like she's talking too
much, simply responding to my questions. I'm so glad she hasn't
questioned me about any of our previous conversations, 'cause then I would
be seriously screwed.
I used to be that guy, you know, the one who listened all the time.
In
the beginning it was remembering everything: what they liked,
disliked, favorites things, when we met, the months together and then
used it for birthdays and holidays. They loved the small things I would
do for them. But somewhere along the way, something happened to me.
Each relationship ended and slowly that part of me started to erode. It
went from remembering to buy flowers for anniversaries to forgetting
the day.
After each failed relationship, I listened less and less. Then
it stopped completely. I couldn't continue listening and preparing,
knowing in the end it might not matter at all. I think each
relationship took a toll on me. I worked hard at it, yet nothing came
out of it.
A part of me wants to break up with this Deb,
because it's just not fair that I continue seeing her without giving
her my full attention.
But how do I explain to her that everything she's said since the first day hasn't registered in my head? What can I do to get back to the way I used to be?
She says...I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT WHEN MEN DON'T LISTEN TO WHAT I AM SAYING.
Men,
the intriguing creatures that they are, can manage to remember a
basketball game from 1967, including the exact number of points Kareem
Abdul-Jabbar scored in his last game, but can't remember my favorite
color?
Now, I can understand forgetting an anniversary. I've
forgotten them too. That's just a date on the calendar. But when it
comes to a point when he can't remember basic information about you
that you've told him over and over again, it's disappointing!
For
example, my ex boyfriend was a DJ who played mainly house music. He
memorized every single Daft Punk and Girl Talk song ever released and
even some that weren't released. But three months into our relationship
when I asked him if he knew when my birthday was he was running to
facebook to find out. My birthday's September 11th. It's a pretty
significant date.
One day I got so upset that I asked "Do you even
listen to me when I talk?!" and he responded, "What was that, babe?"
UGH.
Do men who don't listen to you bother you as much as they bother me? What can we do to change this or do we just have to cope?
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Comments (25)
Ahaha. My boyfriend remembers everything that I say or do. I guess, I just got lucky?
Xo
believe it or not, there are guys out there who aren't total assholes. you just have to look in all the right places!
and realize that you almost NEVER get the whole package-- looks, brains, and heart. decide which is the most important to you!
I fully believe that if the guy truly cares then he will make it a point to remember as much as he possibly can about his girl.
The problem is that many guys go into relationships for no other reason than just to try and get laid and in a relationship such as that remembering things about the girl really doesn't matter because you have no expectation of the relationship lasting any length of time. It is only intended to last until the next hot chick comes along. The blame for that lies with both genders. If the guys had respect for women and treated as the people they are then the women wouldn't feel pressured to go along with the guys. If the women were more demanding and choosier then the guys would change their ways because the way they currently do things wouldn't be effective.
guys who are sincere enough will hear what you have to say, but don't expect too much if you don't do the same.
The funny thing is.. is that girls don't want the sweet heart that remembers every little thing; it gets REALLY annoying. If a man is at your beck and call - it's not worth it, unless you're getting back what YOU'RE putting in and that's what you expect from the "fairy tale."
I agree: you almost NEVER get the whole package-- looks, brains, and heart.
Could it be that our memory perseptors and listening skills are diferent than a woman?
I remember the first kiss and yet I can't remember our anivierary very well.
My wife likes to start talking when the movie I am watching is in it's climax. I want to ring her neck. I watch an hour and a half of a movie and then I am supose to miss the ending because her mother went bla bla bla bla bla.
If she is away she will wait till ten minutes till the hour to call. Never realizing that ten till anything is usually the ending of a program, show, or movie.
Women are detail oriented. If my wife is describing a program she watched, I can get the skinny by watching the dern thing myself. It is quicker.
Guys also go into a zone. Their wife starts to talk and then the next thing you know you wake up and she wants to know what you think about something she said while you were in the zone. The zone is like a seizure. It is what happens to a guy when the woman he loves goes monotone.
I love my wife very much and I am not a "bad boy" dude. Let's face it. I can get the picture better in one or two sillible words with no more than three or four words before a breath. I need time to process. If not I tend to go to la la land where the world is simplier and there is just pictures. Maybe if wives used flash cards?
Trouble is a woman wants a man that thinks like a woman and a man wants a woman that thinks like a man. It don't work that way. Sports turn a guy on. Not scrap booking.
Take my dad for instance. He buys my mom a fly rod because he bought a fly rod. He is old school. We are evolving. I buy a fly rod and I buy my wife sun screen so she won't get burnt reading a good book while I fish. See. Man kind is progressing. Maybe even one day men will enjoy throwing good money away on flowers. Who knows?
Men love to throw frisky talk (Being G rated here) into their conversations when trying to talk to their wives. My wife hates it. She thinks that's all I think about. Well, ah, Yes!!! Excuse me!! I can't help it if the male has testostorone ignitors hit the brain every 40 seconds of his adult life. So sew me.
If one could see a pie diagram of the male thought process one would see this. 35% sex, 10% sports, 20% food, 10% work, 2% word bank, 1% color, dates, and time, 3% grooming, and 20% grey matter called the zone.
I love my wife very much and I really do understand the way she thinks. And I can't do a flipping thing to change it. Oh well.
@jab_06@xanga - I'm not sure about that. I must have gotten extremely lucky because IMHO my fiance has all of those. To me he is very attractive, and since I've been dating him every female seems to want him, he is very intelligent to the point to where he has about 500 extra back plans for his back up plan, and he is the sweetest person I've ever met/dated. It's the small things that he did/still does for me like taking care of me when I'm sick, buying me a sewing machine for Christmas, the one thing I truly wanted, and he tries to just about anything and everything he can to make me smile and happy. For Valentine's Day, while I was at school, he made me paper roses and they turned out beautifully. I couldn't have found a better person to get engaged to and spend the rest of my life with.
"Don't worry romance isn't dead it's just hidden" my fiance told me to put that there. So don't worry you'll find your true love one day.
I don't expect guys to remember much but I can't help to remind them when they remember that I told them. If its not a constant thing when he's always forgetting, I don't mind it. I think its just something that we have to cope with.
@bubbadirt@xanga - 1. Learn to spell. My gosh.
2.) Speak for yourself, not all guys, and have some respect for women. Don't type people like that. Not all people are exactly like you and your wife.
3.) No, you do not understand how she thinks, otherwise you wouldn't want to change it.
well if he's not listening to you
he's not interested in you
Actually I rather agree with bubbadirt. The same thing happened with me and my ex...except it was him doing the talking and me doing the zoning out/forgetting.
bubbadirt said: "I love my wife very much and I am not a "bad boy" dude. Let's face it. I can get the picture better in one or two sillible words with no more than three or four words before a breath. I need time to process. If not I tend to go to la la land where the world is simplier and there is just pictures. Maybe if wives used flash cards?"
I loved my ex as well. But he was very emotive, descriptive, and a little poetic, while I have ADHD, so I honestly just couldn't take all the things he was saying all at once.
@Nikolais_apprentice@xanga - Humor, dim wit. Somebody please buy this guy a lip that doesn't flap in the wind. Or should I just be blunt. Bite me.
@bubbadirt@xanga - "sillible"? "sew"? No one will take you seriously if you can't even communicate properly. And as a woman, I think you sound very selfish. You should treat women better.
Humans aren't machines. It's okay to forget things every now and then. But you should at least try to remember the little things that make your SO happy.. because you love them, and you want to make them happy.. and if not, than IDK why I'm writing this to begin with.
Hey, it's tough to remember dates. I think scores of games are much easier to remember. But that's no excuse at all, everyone should know their SO's birthday.
It's not men. its just people in general.
i don't listen all the time -_-
but that might just be me being self-absorbed....
I don't think men should remember every little detail (who has that capability? and I have friends who don't remember everything) but I think they should make the effort to try. Often it's the effort women are looking for, to know that their guys are really going out to make them happy. The old cliche "it's the thought that counts" sometimes comes in handy.
As for me, I have trouble remembering things period because I have a tendency to block out memories I don't like. My boyfriend takes it all in stride, however, and works with me to help me. He too occasionally forgets things and I return the favor as best as I can.
It is my personal opinion that if the men just sort of drop listening, then they aren't interested in the women anymore. If you really, truly loved someone, you would make the conscientious effort for your significant other to remember important stuff.
You can't expect a guy to remember everything. It's only natural for us to have to tell them something 5 times before they actually get to it. But, let's be honest girls. I'm sure once in a while, your SO reminds you of certain things as well because I highly doubt all of you remember all the little basketball statistics that he's mentioned to you. As insignificant as those statistics may sound to us, it's important to them. I've learned with my own BFthat you can't expect too much all the time because it will only push him away. The moment I stopped harassing him about mindless little things that he would forget to do or say, the more he started to remember things and do things without my asking him 298743982749087 times.
And to be honest with you, sure everyone has flaws, but I think it is possible to find someone with looks, brains, and heart. The package deal is out there. You just need to know what you're looking for in each particular area. Are you looking for a guy who knows everything about the arts or everything about politics.And when it comes to matters of the heart, just because your SO won't bring you flowers out of nowhere although it's "soooooo romantic", doesn't mean he doesn't contribute other romantic gestures that are unique to you and him in the relationship.
I think that maybe once we cut guys some slack, they'll start giving back the way we want them to.
@Atomic_emmcee@xanga - I agree.
I forget a lot. But there is a valid effort. I think it's quite easy to remember important dates, especially if you write them down, have friends remind you, or have them tattoo'd. The problem isn't the easy dates such as birthday and anniversary -- the problem is obscure dates... No I can't remember every minute detail from our first date, no I can't remember what color dress you wore on our 3rd date or where our third date even was. Sorry, I have basketball statistics to keep in mind, you know?
And as far as the not listening trend, obviously if you've gone through relationships and the exact same thing has happened you tire quite easily. It's too bad because if you truly cared than you would continue to listen -- don't get me wrong, everyone has there ups and downs, but if its a trend you should really reevaluate how you treat others.
.02
nol
I'm on my third dating relationship (probably the last- yay!) and I've noticed my remembering skills for dates and the like have declined a bit. I used to remember the exact day I would realize I had a crush on a guy, and keep track of the days particularly good things happened with my crushes (Hey, I was fourteen- what did I have better to do?). Now that the dates actually matter, I have to make an effort to remember them. My boyfriend, however, has logged away every remotely significant date. These days, I can finally remember our anniversary, but he keeps track of things like the day we first said "I love you." I'm really in love, but I just have trouble with those numbers!
It's frustrating when guys don't listen, (YES, been in a similar relationship once upon a time. and I never figured out how to "change' it.) but hey, girls have their equally annoying tendencies. In my relationship, he and I are about equal. Most of the time, even this far along in our relationship, we're textbook examples of good listening (at least he is), but occasionally we both flop. We both have moments where we zone out, focusing on other things or absolute nothingness instead of the words of the other. Let's just say it's rare, so rare that if it hadn't been for this post I never would have analyzed it, and it isn't a problem.
In response to what He Says: What if you really aren't that interested in her to begin with? Seriously evaluate what you think about her. Is she not interesting? Or are you just to weary to be interested? Is she the kind of girl you want to keep, or just play around with? If you're not serious about being with her for a long time, then it makes sense that you wouldn't want to invest all of that energy in her. After so many relationships, it might be really hard for you. But if someone breaks up every time over some problem they have that they could work on, never sticking with it for the long haul, they are setting themselves up to be in one temporary relationship after another for a long time.But if you really think the only problem is with your listening habits, well, seize the day! If the relationship (and the girl) is worth keeping, fix it! You may not have to put it exactly as bluntly as you did to your readers. Maybe say something about how you are sorry you haven't been listening as well as you should, or something, and you're trying to work on it and hear everything she says most of the time. Then do something about it- start to listen from that moment on. Maybe read up on good listening techniques if they aren't too cheesy. You can get to know her, if she doesn't mind, and relearn those awesome tendencies that came so naturally to you at first.
I feel bad alotta the time, 'cuz I do this. I always seem to forget stuff, but it probably accounts to my crappy memory. I think though, that there is a BIG difference between harmless forgetting and just not caring enough to remember.
Personally, I think that some guys need to just take some chill time to figure why they aren't listening. Girl, shouldn't have to deal with someone who can't listen and shouldn't stay with the person if they aren't listening to everything you're saying. I know I wouldn't.
men need to start listening
but they're stubborn
I've definitely done this, though my flaw is conversation specifics. I don't tend to remember what is discussed in conversations, only a few general impressions and major topics. The same holds true for events - I'll remember a few moments from the whole shebang, but not, say, what color someone was wearing, what they had to drink, etc. General themes and details I pick up stick with me, but not with any real specificity (e.g. I'll remember, say, 'I don't like most cheese except mozzarella', but damned if I can recall what that drink I got was).
I don't think it has anything to do with interest, either, seeing as this happens to me pretty consistently (independent of the event). It's just the way I remember things.
...I have to say it's annoying when people bring up small parts of conversations and then castigate me for not recalling that it was discussed, though. I have a different level of recall!
Plus, I can't remember scores for the life of me (and frankly don't care to).
The funny thing about this is that whereas I used to relate more to the girl side, I feel like after so many failed relationships, I relate a lot more to what 'he says': "After each failed relationship, I listened less and less." Over time I feel like things in me eroded and I created a defense mechanism of being more self absorbed and tuning out to a SO words.. I guess being a girl I might have some inherent listening traits, so its just a matter of re-focusing.
Luckily, with the right timing, situation, person, etc I think dating jadedness can be overcome. And most importantly the key is whether you're willing to try again or not for "he says," it just takes effort and a certain openness, otherwise you might be sacrificing more intimate qualities from a relationship by not being "present."