Dr. DatingishI've been with the same guy for almost three years. During those years, our
relationship had mostly turned into sex and complete creepy
possessiveness. After a while I had to start lying about the littlest
things, from what I wore to school to who I had worked with at work
that day, or what time I got out.
I broke up with him this past May.
Since then, I've been out and about, doing my own thing with my
girlfriends and going out a lot. And another one of those things was
that I was.. still 'seeing' my ex-boyfriend.
I still dated other guys, but it wasn't anything serious.
It wasn't until I completely broke things off that everything
seemed to come unraveled and out in the open. I found him outside my
house one day so we could 'talk' since I refused to go see him. We sat
outside my house, he poured his heart out to me, and it was nice. And I
believed him.
Later that night I found out he had a girlfriend. A new, younger
girlfriend. They had gotten together finally only a few days ago, after
hanging out all summer. He claims that they're only technically dating,
and that he didn't mean to ask her out, and still wants me to come over
so we can 'talk' about this whole thing.
What should I do? Should I be the bigger person and ignore it all, or...I don't even know!
Comments (41)
It may have honestly been a mistake. He may really have no interest. I would tell him that you are not going to consider a relationship with him as long as this new "gf serious or not" is out of the picture. He loses her then maybe you will consider. That is one route, the other route that makes you vulnerable because of emotions is you don't make that ultimatum, but you agree to meet to chat. If you go this route do nothing physical because you don't want to get hurt by him. Meet in a public place. Tell him you don't want to meet at a house. Find a mutual spot that makes it hard for him to pressure you or convince you into something that may hurt you. If after the discussion, you feel there is a definite chance of things working, I would then let him know that you won't be seeing him or doing things until the other gf is out of the picture. Good luck with that.
Is it just me?? Why would you even consider going back to this guy??
"creepy possessiveness"?
i don't think this other girl is much of an issue. she's just a small drop in the bucket of issues with this guy. besides... do you want a relationship that is mostly "sex and complete creepy possessiveness?"
This guy sounds like he doesn't know what he wants.
I wouldn't recommend dating people who don't know what they want.
Creepy possessiveness? O_o I don't know... >_>
I don't think's it worth getting back with him if he treated you like that. :\
This guy is BAD NEWS. Even if it was a mistake to date the other girl, your shitty relationship ALONE should be enough to warn you off of him. You can do better than that!
God no. NOT worth it.
I know the comfort might be there cuz you've been with him for three years - but in the longrun - that's definitely NOT what you want.
Ignore it! Unless you're considering getting back with him, what's there to talk about? I've been in a situation where an ex wanted to "talk" things over. It was a complete waste of my time and it did not accomplish anything on my end.
It's always so hard to let go of someone you've been with for so long, even if you know it's a negative relationship. I can see where you're coming from.
However, I think it's important that you take a step back and look at what you want in life. You seem to recognize that this guy isn't right for you. Listen to your intuition and steer clear of this guy.
I suspect he asked the girl out to cause jealousy (or attempt to) in you. But what part of any of this makes you think that he's going to be any different now than in the past??? You broke up because you weren't happy with the relationship. Your reason's sound solid enough to me. I would have done it sooner. But regardless, feelings do not dissappear over night. And you should expect to feel the pull to return to it out of what amounts to a certain degree of it being in your comfort zone and probably some genuine love and caring for him, too. Don't. Respect your own feelings and the decison you made AND the need for a cleaner break for his sake. Be clear with him, let him go.
If he really wanted to fix things with you, he should have broken it off with the girl first.
Listen to your gut.
Stay away from the guy. Noting worse than dating someone that doesn't know what he wants and is possessive.
tell him to screw off. he wants to talk but cant be honest about the things he's been doing, as you have?
(i mean, he stalked you, sounds like, so he knew what you've been up to)
get rid of him, he's just wanting to use you on the side.
If you had to lie to him about the little things, I wouldn't. Creepy possessiveness sounds scary.
He has a girlfriend and your relationship was built on lies due to his possessiveness. I think you could find better companionship in a psychiatric facility.
I dont understand why you even want to bother with this guy. I understand that you have a history, which is a reason why people give it a second try, but there comes a point where you have to cut ties and declare your independence. I mean, you said that the relationship had turned into sex and creepy possessiveness--two things that really shouldnt keep a relationship together.
I also understand that he poured his heart out to you--I'm hoping he was genuine yet the fact that he has a "girlfriend" but to him, they are "technically dating", shows me he may not be. What if to him it was just about the sex between you two? If you want to try it again, it's on you and maybe if you do, you two will find ways to enjoy each other's company and make each other happy without making sex and stalking two major tenets of your relationship.
At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself: am I giving it another try because I still love him? Or am I giving it a second try because I dont want to throw the last two years away? Don't see it as wasted years, take them as a learning experience. Good luck!
ignore his sorry ass
i hate when guys do this. They pour their heart out to you, but they already have someone else?
thats dumb.
ignore it, I think he just want sex from you.
Just Walk away. You dont need the extra drama in your life. My best friend went through something like this, and it turned her life into a hell hole. You dont want that. So my advice is the same as i gave my best friend, just drop the poor dude and walk away.
You know, a relationship that turns into a sex relationship suggests that there isn't enough communication between the 2 of you. And then he turns into a possessive creep who doesn't want you to live your life. So am I missing the picture here? You still wanted to go back to him? A guy who doesn't trust his girlfriend will not learn to trust her in a matter of a few months or however long you guys and separated. I think that you should seriously start seeing other men, or you're gonna be tied down to him for life.
Sounds like a bad situation. Honestly, if he was creepy and possessive to begin with, why stick around with him? Sure, it's familiar territory, but it's obvious that he has no idea what he really wants by getting into another relationship, but supposedly hanging onto you. That's just lame. Also, I'm not sure why you're messing around with your ex anyway.
If you break up... make it a clean break. You avoid a lot more drama that way.
don't go near him! Â he sounds like a bit of a sex fiend, needy AND the fact that he's dating someone else...
IGNORE HIM!! you broke up with him for a reason
You claimed he had a creepy possessiveness, you had to lie to him about your whereabouts, company, whatever, and that his creepy possessiveness continued even after you weren't a couple. I'd be scared of this guy if I were you, but YOU seem confused. I think you might be a little jealous that he has a new girl to shower with creepy possessiveness.
Or, perhaps you were just so thrown off by this little detail. "You want to 'talk' things out about us because you're not over me and most likely want to be with me, but you didn't tell me you had a girlfriend!' I had a guy friend that I was crushing on who I spilled my heart out too. One day, he tossed out the fact: 'Oh, I have a girlfriend now.' Didn't say who she was or when they got together, but I was so shocked that I really felt confused.
Anyways, do NOT get back together with him. Don't let him toy with your heart by 'talking things out.' Let him be. Try to keep out of his way the best that you can. Find someone else who isn't creepily possessive, but is a more comfortable boyfriend to be around.
~~Mary~~
I agree with everyone here. He's probably just after sex. If he is dating a new girl, then why is he still after you? He shouldn't be hurting the other girl by doing this either. If he still wants to talk, i'd just talk to him on the phone, just to let him vent and then i'd tell him that you guys broke up for a reason and that you cannot go back out.