This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.Without sparing too many details, I can't get someone off my mind. He's all I think about all the time.
We spent two of the greatest months together. We met at a work
get-together and found out that HEY, we worked together! At the
beginning, we only hung out with mutual friends, but then we started to
hang out by ourselves -- we'd watch movies at his place or go out to dinner.
It was then that I started to fall for him and we became very close.
However, I forgot to mention one minute detail -- I was already in a
relationship with someone -- a 4 year long relationship. He was out of
the country and our relationship had been suffering -- he had not been
giving me the emotional support that I needed.
I told him about my
relationship with this other man and he had me delete my coworker off my
messengers, and now he checks my email, everything, constantly. I should mention that one of the conditions he placed was that I quit my
job -- only then would he consider giving me a second chance.
He has
forgiven me and wants to give us a second try but I feel guilty that I
still think about this other man -- we were the BESTEST of friends, despite the fact that we got TOO close. Now, we have no contact
whatsoever -- I've even moved out of state.
My ex-coworker knew I was in a relationship already; we got close
because I confided in him about my relationship and then our feelings
for each other got the best of us. He was understanding when I told him
we couldn't talk anymore but told me that if I was single again, no
matter if three years passed, that he would love for us to try to begin a
relationship.
Although I can't stop thinking about my ex-coworker-turned-lover-man, I still love my main squeeze of four years; I just don't think
that I am IN love with him anymore.
Are my constant thoughts about this
other man just an obsession, or am I IN LOVE with him? Am I still with
my main squeeze because I feel guilty and I want to make it up to him?
Anyone ever been in a similar situation or have any words of advice?
Help.
Comments (72)
Sounds like guilt to me. You haven't mentioned one good thing your main squeeze brings to your life at the moment, only restrictions and complications he has forced on you (such as cutting off communication with some one, making you quit your job, and invading your privacy). You seem to talk about this other guy like he and you got along great - but now you live in another state.
So my advice? Quit this LDR bull and become single again. Your love life sounds seriously way too complicated at the moment.
I don't know about the love situation, but your boyfriend sounds a little controlling, and I have a hard time seeing how it's a positive relationship if he forced you to quit your job to regain his trust and if he checks your email constantly.
Your guy of four years sounds like he is very jealous and doesn't trust you. Also if he cannot find the time to give you the emotional support you need then he probably isn't the right guy for you. My BIL was able to give my sister the support she needed even while he was on the front lines in Iraq. I would say that at the very least you need to talk to your guy and probably go on a break if not just break up with him outright.
Hrm...something similar happened to my friend - she was in a long-term (but not long-distance) relationship with a guy, but he was a bit hurtful to her near the end. She started to hang out with her guy friend more and more and they started to fall for each other. Now, they are really happy together.
It is my personal opinion that you break it off from the LDR and try for the more understanding guy. And yes, what redeeming qualities did your LDR have? Balance out the positives and negatives.
~da;kj tapioca miLk~
@AGraceB@xanga - Yeahh i agree with him on that. But it can also mean that your boyfriend doesnt want you to do anything with the now-ex-coworker.
In my opinion I think you should go single and figure it out, because you're not really IN love with your boyfriend so why waste your youth? You're just leading him on. You should go single and figure things out without the pressure. If your boyfriend really loves you, he'll understand and wait for you.
That happened to me! EXACT situation. But now me and my long-time boyfriend has broken up. And the one I was "inlove" with is now in love with someone else. I sooooo regret not going for the feeling of being in love..:(
I have two situations to draw from. The first is similar to yours. I had a long-term relationship with someone who was at the time living across the country. Our relationship had grown sour and I ended up blurring the lines with someone else. My long-time relationship forgave me, but we ended up breaking it off soon after. I realized that I obviously was not as invested in the relationship as he was.
On the flip side, my current fiance and I have been together for three and a half years. After about a year I found out that he had cheated on me. It was during a particularly rough patch in our relationship, and we were on the verge of breaking up. I decided to honor my previous boyfriends idea of giving your S.O. "one more chance" and see what happened. As it turned out, that little misadventure actually saved our relationship. We realized that we had both been treating one another badly and began turning things around.
What concerns me about your entry is the fact that your S.O. placed so many restrictions upon you. When I found out that B had cheated on me I told him not to talk to her again, not to see her again, etc. But I never felt the need to check up on him and make sure he was following through. I was uneasy for awhile, sure. I was terrified, actually. But I felt that my constant checking in on him would only deepen the strain. I had to show him that I still trusted him, to some degree.
It worked out great. :D
Just some food for thought. Sorry, didn't mean to write my own blog!
I could see why your boyfriend wants what he does from you. I think his requests/desires are totally reasonable in a relationship. If I were in his shoes I would want the same thing, but I would want it because my so wanted to do those things, not because I was demanding it. As painful as it would be, I would have to admit to myself that the relationship isn't really want I want it to be. If he has to keep checking in on you, he is having a hard time trusting and that's not a fun relationship to be in.
I agree with the comment of taking some time out, away from both, figure out what you really want and choose it. That way you know you are being sincere to your truest feelings.
You might even want to choose to spend sometime by yourself, learning to be okay even if you aren't in a relationship.
And no matter who or what you choose, realize that relationships require faithfulness and sacrifice and don't let yourself get into situations that may lead to getting your needs met through another guy, even if it seems innocent at first. No relationship will be exciting or meet your needs all the time. But it will a lot of the time, especially if you have the faithfulness to hold on through the dry or hard times and not give up or look elsewhere. It can get really deep and satisfying if you are willing to make the effort.
I am really sorry you find yourself in this situation. It must be really hard and I hope that you find happiness and are able to make what ever decision you know is right. You might need help figuring it out and to have the strength to do it. Prayer might really help. I believe in God, that he loves helping people without making them feel bad and listens to anyone who asks for help.
Its easy to be "in love" with someone that you don't have to plan for the future with or worry about finances with.
Guilt.
I think its time to be single and figure out what you really want.
Xo
Wow, this is so juicy. You need to break it off with the 4 year bf -- if he was giving you everything you needed, you wouldn't be having such strong feelings for other guys.
Sounds like he guilted you into staying.
"Love" is something that you do. It is something you give, It is something you choose. It endures.
"In Love" means that you have great, happy, overwhelming feelings. "In Love" comes and goes with time.
If you think your long-term guy was a mistake, then by all means get
out of that relationship. But don't do it just because you have
feelings.
If you think you ex-coworker is the person you really want to spend
your every day with, then go to him. But don't base it on your feelings.
Yeah, it is ideal if you are "in love" with someone you love. But the feelings don't last because they are feelings. If you base everything on that wonderful feeling, you will be disappointed again when it leaves. And it will leave.
Yet I can assure you (as a very happy wife of 5 years) that the feeling of being "in Love" comes back over and over-- if you put the effort into a relationship.
So what you need to decide is not, "how do I feel about these guys?", or even "what can I get from them?" but rather, "who do I want to invest my time, my energy, my all into?" Because you get out of a relationship whatever you put in.
.
It does sound like guilt to stay in the relationship with the 4-year man. But, I guess it depends on what you meant by "TOO CLOSE". Simply if it just a simple rest your head on his shoulder kind of deal, that shouldn't matter. Feelings can grow out of friendship and it's natural. But, if you really don't feel the love with the 4-year guy now, you have to let him know. It isn't worth waiting it out to see if you have lost it or not because then, you would just be dragging it out.
Feelings are feelings.
They come and they go, am I right?
I've had a similar situation as yours and I've had the same feeling as yours.
"Do I still love him? Do I love the other one?"
I stuck with my main boy, but what I realized was, I was just so deprived of his love and care because he was always so busy, I had found someone else to satisfy my needs.
I didn't get back together with him and beg for his forgiveness because I felt guilty.
This little mishap didn't ruin our relationship further, I think it actually saved it.
:)
Something incredibly similar happened to me. In my situation, I left my three year relationship that had crumbled for the boy that stole my heart. I'm the happiest I've ever been. I won't tell you what you should and shouldn't do, but in my opinion, if he's always on your mind - there's something worth looking into.
i think one of the best things to do it is to find out who you are happy with?..spend a day with each guy and sort your feelings out..either way, will be unfair but at least you have been honest to them and to yourself...
4 years of relationship is hard to build but hey if it has been crumbled it will be harder to rebuild considering you dont think you're still in love with the guy...
If you are doubting it is best that you end it, especially if you got stronger feelings for someone else and they return those feelings to you. Plus, your current boyfriend seems controlling and a little stalker-ish. Don't hold onto someone for the fact of being with them for four years with no love, because you may be missing out on someone much better.
I think that there shouldn't be any restrictions... in a sense that they are placed because both you and your SO want them to be followed. If it falls short of that, it's a no-no.
You
are still thinking of your ex-coworker and no longer IN love with your
main squeeze... talk about it with your main squeeze. It may be best to
end it to figure it all out.
Be aware that problems in
relationships make us emotionally vulnerable. We seek comfort and it's
easy to fall for the person who can give the solutions to the problems
at the time.
Think it through & good luck!
I think that it's better that you break it off with that guy you're in. Obviously, you're confused, and staying with him isn't doing you much good. Besides, as much as he has the right to be checking if you're cheating or anything, he shouldn't be invading your privacy so much. You really need to sort things out even if it means not being with anyone for now.
I don't think you should be with either of them 'till you sort things out yourself. (I realize you haven't seen that other coworker) I don't think you're doing yourself a good service by staying with crazy invader of privacy bf that you have, and you're not doing him a service by thinking about the other dude.
don't take your 4 yr bf for granted.
Do a bit of introspection. Don't end up hurting your bf. If you need to sort things out by yourself, then do it. It might hurt to break up, but it will help you sort things out and not hurt people more. Then again, you don't have to break up...just find another way.