This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.Katie, a friend of mine, went through a horrible breakup and was seeking advice and comfort, so the best way I knew to help her was to take her on a girls' night out. I invited her to come along with my other friends to our weekend clubbing plans.
My friends invited me and Katie over so we could get ready to go out together, but as we were leaving for the club, my friend's dad realized that a $100 bill he'd left on the table was missing. We figured that he must've misplaced it somewhere around the house and promised we'd help search for it the next day.
As the night went on at the club, I watched Katie order a drink and with a crunched up $100 bill she pulled out from her bra.
At that moment, my friend and I realized she took it and the night went on with tension - nobody said anything about the money because we didn't want to cause a scene.
The following day, before my friend could confront Katie, I paid my friend $100 and asked him to forget about the whole situation. Obviously, she's been through a rough time because of her breakup and I wanted to cover for her.
I also felt it was my responsibility to pay that $100 because I brought her to my friends' house to get ready and I'm pretty sure she'd deny she took the money.
I personally value the golden rule - treating others as I'd want to be treated. I live my daily life with an optimistic smile and open arms to anyone in need. But lately, instead of receiving a simple "thank you," people have been saying, "you're too nice," and not in a good way.
In a way it's positive feedback, but why does it taste so bitter? I asked my friend what he meant and he said I'm a total doormat for people.
I just wanted to do what I can to help make life easier for everyone(including myself); plus it is completely out of character for me to refuse to help when I can.
Here are my questions:
-There's a fine line between being a doormat to just being nice - at what point do you become a doormat?
-Should I have covered for my friend after her nasty breakup?
-Do people take advantage of vulnerable mental states (like recent breakups) to get away with something they know they shouldn't do?
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Comments (82)
I think to cover for someone is okay. BUT, I think that you should have still approached your friend, despite her breakup, and just came clean with her. That you believed she took the money...if she denys it and you really believe she took it then you know to be cautious of her behavior. You didn't have to give the other friend 100.00 but I think you did the right thing....and it'll pay off in the end. I think if you continuously find yourself repeating this same pattern for the same people then you have become the doormat. And yes, I think many times people feel like the world owes them something...you need to help her bounce back to reality...the world doesn't owe her anything...she owes herself some time for her but none of her friends or anyone else should have to pay for what she's been through.
I honestly don't think a bad breakup is an excuse to steal $100, especially in a situation where it was pretty obvious who took it - unless she was so distraught she didn't care, or unless it was a subconscious plea for attention.
Either way, I don't think it was your responsibility to pay your friend back. If she doesn't know your other friend well, maybe your role could have been to be the one to talk to her, in as non-confrontational and sympathetic manner as possible, about the money. That wasn't covering for her after a nasty breakup, that was enabling her to do something wrong.
I think someone becomes a doormat when being nice becomes being used. If people know you are going to respond in the most giving way possible, they'll take advantage of that. People who are truly that nice and generous are rare - I hope you don't get taken advantage of too much or become cynical.
whoa...I totally wouldn't have covered her, but I'm not sure what my alternative would have been. No amount of emotional pain makes her stealing ok.
The line is so fine...When it becomes more of you getting used and less about actually being helpful.why do you want to be friends with someone that steals? Bad break up or not, she knew what she was doing.
Xo
Breakup or not that doesn't give her a reason to steal money. If everyone acted like that in vulnerable mental states everyone would be beating one another, shooting one another and stealing from each other.Though it was nice for you to cover for her she should have never done it in the first place. She needs to take responsibility for her actions, breakup or not. I would not have covered her. I would have told her to give back the rest of the money and pay water the drink cost out of her pocket.
-There's a fine line between being a doormat to just being nice - at what point do you become a doormat?
-- You become a doormat to a person when you find yourself asking, "Are they taking advantage of me?". If you have to ask yourself that question, you've already been taken advantage of and it's your responsibility to put a stop to it at that point. That may mean losing a "friend", but honestly I wouldn't want a friend who took advantage of me, so it would be their loss...not mine.
-Should I have covered for my friend after her nasty breakup?
-- I can't think of a single time when it's ok to steal anything, regardless of one's emotional state. In fact, I can't befriend a person who steals because we ALL know that it's wrong. When a person chooses to do that, they're off my friend list. Whether you made the right move or not is entirely your decision, but it's my opinion that if you have to ask whether or not it was the right move, the answer is no.
-Do
people take advantage of vulnerable mental states (like recent
breakups) to get away with something they know they shouldn't do?
-- Absolutely. People (as a whole) are indirectly taught to take advantage of any situation to make their own life easier. This could get way too complicated way too fast, but suffice it to say that people will absolutely twist situations to their advantage, and ANY time you're asking yourself "Am I being taken advantage of?"...there's a very strong probability that you are. Does that mean you should stop being nice? NO WAY...just be smart about it so that you don't end up cynical in the end.
I don't know either. I'm much the same as you; I give and forgive easily. I'm not sure at what point I stop being a crutch in a good way and start being a crutch in a bad way, but I err on the side of kindness. In this case, though, I'd say you should have at least confronted her. Friends should cover for friends, but friends should also admonish friends. Regardless of her emotional state, stealing doesn't fly. It's one thing to give her support in a rough time emotionally and financially, but it's another to be an enabler to irresponsible behavior.
You aren't lacking in kindness, and whether you want to call that being a doormat or not, it's still one of the best qualities a person can have. I wish you wisdom to accompany it.
Being a doormat, in my opinion, depends on the situation.
It was nice of you to have offered the $100 to cover for your friend's mistakes, however you should've confronted her about it. :\ Just because she went through a terrible breakup, it doesn't give her the audacity to go and steal money.
What would you have done if you hadn't had the $100 to spare? Did you cover to honestly help smooth the situation? Or to avoid what would be a very messy confrontation?
Because, break up or not, your friend knew what she was doing was wrong. She knew that $100 was missed, and not only did she not fess up, she spent it. And you all let her get away with it. Add in that you further enabled her stupidity by covering for her...
You asked where the line was, before you were considered a doormat, and I'll tell you. I bet this isn't the first time you've covered for her (or other mutual friends in her presence). I bet she knew that 'covering' is your MO. I bet she knew once you saw what she had done that she didn't need to do anything, bc under the guise of the golden rule, you would. And she took advantage of it.
And you let her.
So, yes, you're a doormat.
It's up to you to decide if you want to keep getting stepped on, or continue emptying your pockets for others.
Generally, I have a two-strike rule of thumb. After I figure out what kind of relationship quality I can expect from a given friend (and everyone is different), if they deviate from that range in a negative way (such as your friend did), that's a strike. I'm not very keen on confrontation either. That's a very serious accusation and though the blame seems obvious, that doesn't make the conversation any easier. I feel for you. But I would also have paid the $100 back to my other friend and kept the issue to as little people hurt by it as possible. I would want to reassure my other friend that I am not like the company I keep. This situation is one I would probably have to suck it up and confront the stealing friend about. For other lessor things I might not. But either way, once I let the other person know about a serious breach of friendship, I will only afford that second chance. Something like that or to that degree ever happens again and I will either distance myself gradually or confront them and sever the bond cleanly.
Going through a breakup is no excuse for stealing and I suspect the two have nothing to do with each other. People don't start doing that kind of thing in grief of getting dumped... That just makes no sense.
And I am in your position too - being told I'm too nice. I give 2nd, 3rd, 4th sometimes 5th chances and I've been walked all over a lot. At some point, it has to stop. You have to think of yourself sometimes. And sometimes people just don't change like you keep hoping they will.
That being said, there is a fine line between not letting people walk all over you and becoming a cynical person who keeps people at a distance to prevent them from walking on him/her. Be careful not to take it too far.
treating a friend is completely different from having to pay for a friend because she stole and trying to think whether it was a rational behavior b/c she had a bad break-up recently..
katie obviously made a mistake and u knew she would deny it and probably wanted to avoid any unnecessary drama and confrontation.. maybe you even wanted to save her face.. i don't think you are a doormat.. i think you are a sweet heart for doing that for katie and she's very lucky to have a friend like you..
a breakup is no excuse for stealing. you shouldn't have covered for her.
You seem to me to be doing well.Awareness is most of the battle in understanding your life,both inner and outer.It was right to make good on the money.this shows your integrity.Unfortunately, katie did must now be katie done.Your job (if you choose to accept it) dude,is to cut kate loose.Don't worry,you will find another version of katie untill you learn to make another version .The buck stops here..........there will be many people in our lives,as we grow,who we will alwayse love.Forgiving?then you probably are like myself, a keeper of places in your own heart for all those we have loved;But,you MUST INSIST that these people may only claim that place in your heart by meeting the bassic qualities of considerate human behaviour.Life flies by and I am the fool who wasted great opportunities because I wanted to "be nice".I think you should be nice to yourself.I used to only like people who didn't .like me.this was long ago.I also liked people who stole from me.I had to keep dancing with these types untill I learned my own way that befriending abusive people said a lot about what I thought of myself.The funny part is that the better I feel about myself, the better the new version of "katie" seemed to get too.Please don't depricate yourself by allowing those you help who then turn around and abuse you, to be in your life.You know they willalwayse have a place in your heart IF EVER THEY WISH TO CLAIM IT.nO NEED to be embarassed at being an evolved ,compassionate spiritual being having a human experience!
What you did was the responsible thing to do.
Now don't hang out with Katie anymore.
I think you did the right thing. Or, at least that's what I would have done.
But If you continue to be friends with this girl without ever talking about the incident, then you are being a doormat.
*Sigh* Join the club... I'm "too nice" as well and have loads of trouble sticking up for myself. Being a doormat is no fun. Niceness can be as much of a curse as a blessing if you don't have good boundaries (which is the unhealthy way to live generously, and not good unselfish living- being a doormat is being so generous it kills you inside, and it's not good for you or the people you "help.")
In this case, it's almost unbelievable how far it went. In fact, it seems like you went way out of your way to get walked on. Awh! Maybe if Katie refused to pay up you could've considered helping the dad out financially, but you are not responsible for her dreadful behavior. In fact, you stole from her the chance to experience some actual consequences, even if it's only a confrontation and she never owns up. She'll never learn not to touch a hot stove unless she gets burned at least a little! I feel bad for you, having done similar things myself...
In response to your last question, I think that some people take advantage of being in a vulnerable mental state to get one over on people. Not everyone is as unscrupulous as that. That's quite unhealthy and I think those people are generally worth avoiding. There are plenty of people in the world who are as nice as you and would never take advantage of you. Seek them out! You deserve better.
Being nice and being a doormat are two different things. It's like the nice guy deal: nice guys tend to be doormats to everyone. I always try to be nice to everyone, but when someone shows some form of disrespect or a sign that they're using me, I just stop being nice and start being defensive. I've learned that you shouldn't always pass off a nice attitude, or else there are those who will take bad advantage of it.
Usually, when one of my friends have a horrible breakup or something of the sorts, I tend to mostly lend an ear for them and maybe get something like coffee or tea. But I'm covering for them in a more emotional aspect as to pick them up and get them going again.
And, yes, there are those who use the "recent breakup" or whatever excuse to take things for granted. It sucks, but you should know when to stand up and confront them about it, no matter how close you are to them.
Break-up or not, it is rude and inexcusable to steal $100 from someone, and even more so, his or her parent. If she needed money, she should have just asked and seeing as how you are "nice," I'm sure you would've said something along the lines of, "Sure, my treat."
Right now, she put herself and you in a bad position as well. You ended up bringing an ill-mannered friend to someone's house and then shelling out 100 bucks to cover up for her misdeeds. Don't let people walk all over you. I'm not saying that if people come up to you and ask to borrow money from you or ask for a lending hand that you should turn them away, but there comes a time when people become moochers and you become the one that is always being asked for favors. It's one thing to be friendly and helpful and another to be constantly taken advantage of. Learn to say "NO!"
There is always a fine line between being too nice and having people walk all around you. When you become a doormat people tend to use you and only become your friend because they know that they can get something off of you. One of my friend's friend was always really nice and offered to give people car rides, soon they were just with him because he had a car and not because they wanted to hang out with him.
I think that there's no excuse to steal $100 unless you have children starving and can't work because of a disability, but even then the government helps. So no matter if she had a nasty break-up doesn't mean she has to disrespect other people by stealing from them when they are trying to be nice to her and help her get through the break-up. Maybe you should have treated her how she treated the people who she robbed from and ratted her out. Looks like she took for granted the terrible break-up.
To me, doormattery is over $50. When someone does something they know they shouldn't do, no matter what sort of a mental state they may be in, they should face the consequences. When you shield someone from those consequences, that is doormattery. Unless it's to save your own arse, then it's only slightly doormatish.
You shouldn't have covered for her. "Poor poor pitiful me" still shouldn't be stealing things. I would have given the guy her number and told him that she was the one who did it. She put herself in the mess, she should have to clean it up herself. It's not your responsibility to be the adult here, but helping to cover it up makes you look bad, too.
I think some people do take advantage. Those are the ones you quit giving inches, put a kibosh on it before they take miles.
It's hard to tell when you've crossed the line between being nice and being a doormat. But if you decline at first when a friend asks for a favor and your friend begs until you give in (because he/she knows you will), then that's when you've become the doormat.
I think you should have confronted your friend. You are only obliged to listen to her, not cover up all the bad things she's doing.
And as far as the vulnerable mental state goes, I think people who are in this position have very irrational thoughts. They also tend to take advantage of the pity from others to do things they shouldn't. It's a poor excuse, but people use it to make themselves feel better.
You were nice to save your friend's (and possibly your own) face. I am wondering though, was it OBVIOUS who stole it (to you AND your friends) - if so, I can see how you would feel obligated to pay for her vices...but otherwise, if only you knew, it's not YOUR responsibility to pay back your friend's dad - you didn't do anything wrong, but I understand that you felt bad for bringing in someone who created this situation.
But...as a warning, you probably should be more cautious around Katie. I had a friend who was charismatic and funny on the outside, but once you got to know him, he had these tendencies to shortchange "the man." For example, he would sneak onto trains and not pay the fare (led him to get a warning the first time he was caught...and then he was fined). I thought it was all funny and well...until...
...he stole from one of my friends (along the same lines). We ate at a sushi restaurant and were short $20 - though my friend said he'd paid the $20. The girls and guys went to the restroom separately and ended up talking about the incident and we all knew my friend took it. One of our guy friends covered up for this friend.
Later on, my friends and I confronted him about the incident and told him we wouldn't get mad - only wanted the truth. However, this did nothing, as he did not confess. I further poked and prodded my friend...until he said, "fine fine I did it!"....I think it was wrong of me to bug him to confess, but after that...well, I know what sort of person HE is...so we're no longer friends.
Please don't let a 'friend' walk all over you. You will feel 'nice' at first for helping your friend, until you realize your behavior is condoning theirs.
~a;lkj tapioca miLk~
when most people break up with someone, they don't have to steal from a friend of a friend's dad to feel better. That girl was out of line. You should tell her you paid 100 to spare her embarassment and that she needs to pay you back. If she won't, I'd drop her as a friend. I don't think the issue is your niceness so much as her moral issues. A bad breakup was no excuse for her.
I agree with some of the opinions above. I think you did the right thing in terms of preserving your friendships with both people. I would have followed up on your friend tho afterwards. I know she is in a crappy place with a breakup but that type of thing is shady.
If you are 100% positive she took it, then I would re-evaluate the distance you have with her. She might be a decent friend but as I have always learned, its easy to find people who are your "friends" when you are happy and doing well, its harder to find friends when you are nobody with nothing. And it just takes the right situation for a person to show the type of person they are. The question is, do you want to be around someone who jacks $100 bills and thinks its ok? I don't know your friends situation, maybe she doesn't work or has financial issues but it definitely puts a ? on what she sees as fair or what she is loyal to.
If you aren't 100% sure then, just keep it in mind for future reference and act as it never happened. Trust me, spending $100 is a smaller price to pay than getting stabbed in the back by a friend.
If you can, confront her as a friend. And try to understand why. And if you represent yourself that way and are honest about it you might be surprised. Explain to her what you saw and that you paid it off. And let her be aware of what you did. Then at that point its up to you whether you believe her or not, based on your history together.