This is a guest blog submitted by hopelessromantic.Even though I think I've found the love of my life, because he's no
longer in this country, I feel like I should still date. So that's what
I've been doing.
I like going out and meeting new people. I'm having
fun going on dates. It gives me more to do and an excuse to see new
things (e.g. NYC's Museum of Natural History), and it's a distraction so I'm
not at home wallowing in self pity and loneliness.
But I feel kind of
bad at the same time because half the time I'm with these guys, I'm
thinking about
Soulmate
(I may be out, but in my mind I'm still wallowing in self pity and
loneliness...). I feel like I'm less likely to give them a chance
because I already have feelings for this other person, s o it's not all
that fair to them.
On the other hand, I can't assume he's coming
back and so I do need to date and try to meet people in case he's not
my soulmate after all. And it's good practice for getting to know new
people, being less shy, and just kind of learning dating protocol in
general.
What do you think? Is it unfair for me to date other guys when I'm in love with someone else, even if it's someone I can't have?
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Comments (56)
Normally I would say no way, but it sounds like nothing is set in stone between you and "soulmate". And if "soulmate" is still dating as well then it seems to be okay. Besides the only way to make sure they're your soulmate is to continue searching until you have whoever it is forever. BUT, if said "soulmate" truly is your soulmate then your focus should only be on them...because no one else will matter.
Dating does not equal love. Nor does marriage. Love is either there or it isn't. The rest is just sociology, psychology, and biology.
well if you're not even sure he'll come back, then there is no relationship even if you think you're in love with him, everything is still up for grabs, so it's ok. don't beat yourself over it, just have fun and relax.
Is there a commitment between this "love of your life" and you? Did you agree to be exclusive with him? If not, I don't see why you can't go on dates with other men. However, if dating is just a means to feel less lonely, you may need to step back and get a reality check: men can never completely fulfill you. Maybe you should find some girlfriends to hang out with, if you want to avoid loneliness. If you're always thinking of this "soulmate" while with other guys, you're just playing with their hearts (I'm actually guilty of that one).
Speaking of soulmates, I don't believe in them, honestly. And you definitely shouldn't plan your life around someone who you may or may not end up with.
dating is just that. dating! it's not a huge commitment, it's just killing time.
@Edgebreak@xanga - he gets it.
COMMUNICATION
@little_apple_red@xanga - I get it? Cool.
And people say I don't understand.
@Edgebreak@xanga - you worded it way better than i did! lol
wait, what? you're in love with someone you can't be with? is that right? so then what's the problem? date away until you get over it.
@little_apple_red@xanga - Thanks.
what I would do...I would wait a few and not date. I would find out if the person that left has the same feelings I have and is going to come back. If yes they are...write to them about the good things going on and keep the relationship with good communication. If they aren't coming back...take the time to change the way you love them so you aren't wasting someone elses time taking you out on a date....you may enjoy the company of a "date" but they are ususaly looking for something more than 1 or 2 dates...and you are wasting their time...that isn't fair to them.
i think it all depends on what type of relationship is established between you and your "soulmate" it seems as though nothing is really set in stone and thus, things are pretty much open. then again, if you were officially steady gf/bf and just in different places, then things would be much more iffy.
Obviously I am of a different opinion than everyone else. In my mind you should not be dating anyone unless your mind and heart can fully focus on them and you believe that there is actually a chance of the relationship becoming a permanent thing.
What you describe is something I would classify more as a form of stealing than harmless fun. You are causing these guys to spend their money and time while leading them on with lies. If you told them that you don't see it going anywhere and they still wanted to go on dates with you then, and only then, would I classify it as harmless fun.
Also I don't believe that you need to be going out and dating other people or even meeting other people to know if your soulmate is your soulmate. It is my belief that you will know who your soulmate is when you meet them without ever needing to have dated anyone else.
The information you provide here is a tad vague for a proper assessment. Why isn't he here? What form of relationship do you currently have? What did you talk about while he was still here? Do you make your boundaries clear with the people you are currently dating?
Here's my thought: every situation is different. I survived a deployment to Iraq (in which there was a very real possibility that he would not return), currently ended another LTR (he's in Germany, with an impending trip to Iraq), but the concept of dating for me now leaves me in a similar spot as you. I still love my ex-bf, but I want a life, too.
However, I am very clear with any potential suitor about my intentions. I want someone to hang out with me, spend time doing things with me, but not necessarily fill that longing, that mini-void inside me that is waiting for some step forward with the man I'm actually in love with (we're separated for reasons other than distance). And most men are amicable to the concept that you just want to be friends (most of mine are, anyway).
Is there a chance that someone you meet will cause a greater attraction for you than your currently nonaccessible soulmate? Yes, but unless you and the SM have pledged eternity together, unless you two have strict lines that make dating others verboten, that is simply life.
I'm sure you've seen the 'reason, season, lifetime' email, and sometimes, even the most intense loves are just there for a season (however long or short it may be), but every relationship is a learning experience.
Just my two cents.
I would say that you're not going to be able to have an honest relationship if you're still missing the other person and wishing you were with them while you're dating someone else. Either try to restore your relationship with them or wait until you're no longer attached to them romantically anymore to move on. Otherwise you're dating will be fruitless and any affection you give will be fake.
@mrcolorful@xanga - i totally agree with you. and i think half the comments here got the wrong idea about this post. this post is more about is it hurting the other people that she's going on dates with more so than the "commitment" with the soulmate. I guess that only means half the people here are pretty selfish when it comes to dating.
The best is just go out and meet FRIENDS (male or female) and just keep it that way. You can have plenty of fun and practice being less shy through group fun.
@daeshii@xanga - where's this "reason, season, lifetime" email? am i missing out the best of chain emails??
u have a get-out-of-jail-free card...just use it...
@Edgebreak@xanga - Love is all those things too =P
I'm sorry but I think that its totally wrong for you to go out on dates with other guys. I was talking talking to a girl but her "soulmate" was not available at the time and she never told me about him. After I started getting attached things kinda blew up and she admitted that she loved the other guy. It hurt to know that someone you like was just bored waiting for the real one to come back...
i feel totally weird going on dates with other guys so that's why i stopped. however yesterday, a guy friend came over and even though it still was sorta weird for me... i know it's something i gotta start doing again.
yeah, so even though it feels weird for you... i think it's really good that you're still going out and living life, you know?
@SilentRhymes@xanga - I'm gonna have to agree with you here. Maybe what she's looking for to appease her loneliness are people to hang out with. So instead of going on dates to do that, she should consider making friends out of her encounters instead.
In the full scope of things, if he didn't ask you to wait for him, then you're just prolonging the inevitable by holding out for his return. Undergo the sometimes long and always painful process of letting him go, but once you're there, you'll be able to date again with no doubts inside of you whatsoever.
if you stay hung up on him, then you're not really moving on.
it's one of those situations where you either need to pick up and go after him, or resolve that he's not coming back (as opposed to "might not come back") and work to forget about him entirely.
this half there half not isn't helping you.
and as horrible as this might sound, personally, i don't look at whether or not i'm being fair to the guys i'm dating as being of paramount importance. it *does* matter... but in the grand dating scheme, i think it's more important that i am fair to myself and doing the right thing for me.
my little rant aside, it's not like you're embarking on serious relationships with these guys. dates can be casual, non-commital, and fun. so as long as they're not under the impression that you're going to getting married to each other in the next week or so, i don't see anything wrong with you going on fun, non-serious dates with people.
@SilentRhymes@xanga - I posted a copy on my blog: Reason, Season of a Lifetime
I wouldnt be able to date someone I couldnt give my whole heart to. If my mind and heart is on someone, then it wouldnt be fair dragging someone else along. Even if you are inlove with somoene you could never be with. I would get over it before thinking of dating again. If you are looking for a healthy relationship, it should be established on good grounds
For people that choose not to wait and instead go on date after date too soon...looking for love.. The question I think they should ask themselves is... Do they think its possible to love two people at the same time?
and although my answer would be an absolute NO.... there are people that might disagree.