This is a guest blog submitted by sleepyhead. I'm chatting with my friend online right now - she's telling me her ex is planning to get engaged soon, but she doesn't want him to. She still loves him a lot but doesn't know how to break it to him.
Since their breakup two years ago, they've been good friends and she hasn't really brought up her feelings. She wants to tell him but is afraid he won't feel the same way and it'll create distance between them.
They went out for a few years back in college, and when they broke up, it was because they wanted to stay focused on their schoolwork without sacrificing time with each other.
From past experiences, they knew that other couples who tried to balance careers and having a healthy relationship haven't succeeded, and they'd both agreed that they either wanted to devote everything to one or the other - no sense in having a half-hearted relationship, right? They figured that once everything got straightened out with their careers and they knew which path they were headed on, they could get back together.
Well, it didn't happen as they'd planned.
Both found someone else and agreed that life had other plans, but it didn't work out well for her - she ended up alone again and still hated bumping into her happy ex and his new girlfriend.
They always talked about school and their career paths, but she wanted to tell him she still loved him even though he seemed so happy with his new girlfriend.
But then came the news, and she was the first person to find out: he wanted to ask his girlfriend to marry him. She didn't know what to do except say that she was happy for him. She left it at that but really wanted to tell him not to marry her.
She wanted to be with him but doesn't want to break up something that means so much to him. She loves him enough to let him be happy.
I didn't know what to tell her. She was my friend, I wanted to see her happy. She told me she'd would call me later after she stopped crying. I think it's been happening a lot since the news came out.
Should she let him know her true feelings and hope they can end up together? Or does she let him get married and hope the feelings go away?
Comments (122)
always always tell them. that way she won't have any regrets. he can always get back together with his fiance if it doesn't work out with this girl.
ideally, i believe in letting people make their own decision WITH given information. if the girl never gave the info that she still like the guy, it maybe of her, or even his, regret of never voicing. however, giving the information is one thing, breaking the current couple up is another thing.
again, ideally (if this is possible), i think it'd be good for the girl to tell the guy as a "FYI" that she just wanted him to know that she still have feelings for him, and do wish for his happiness in whatever he pursue for his future - career and relationship/marriage. this way, it's a nice and non-pushy way to give the "info" to the guy, and leave it to the guy to make his own decision.
best wishes for all parties involved.
live without regrets, tell him.
hmm...unfortunately, she missed her chance. he's gone....how can she ask him to dump his new gf?? (whom he loves and wants to marry)....life is not fair sometimes. I've been in this situation. It happened to me too...and I had to let him go. He was my first real love of 4 yrs...anyway, he's married now and it's for the best! I am now lucky enough to have met the one I want to marry...and I wouldn't have had it any other way!
I think she should tell him. He may still have feelings for her and is with his fiance because he doesn't think she feels the same way. I had an experience like that, where I got another girlfriend because I didn't think there was any way my ex and I could be together. Had I known that she still loved me I wouldn't have gone out with the other girl.
It's better to just ask and find out than to think about it constantly. I've done that too many times.
Tell him.
It might sound cruel, but she should really let him go. If she tells him, he'll be torn between the two girls. And what about his fiancé?
Maybe it'll take her a little longer to find her true love, but it will happen if she lets him go.
I personally would not tell him, because it would be awkward if he doesnt feel the same way. And if he still loves her, he wouldn't have asked the girlfriend to marry him.
Well, whatever she does, good luck.
Although her heart is breaking, it would be cruel and selfish to ask her ex to break the engagement because she missed out on her chance years ago. He's moved on, he's found a new love, and this may be the one that he will be with forever. There's no need for her to ruin that for him. There will always be that history between them, but she needs to move on and let him live his own life.
And as for living without regrets, how terrible would it be if she did tell him? He would be constantly thinking about "what ifs" and it could take a toll on his relationship with his fiance.
The best bet is to keep mum, get over it, and find a new man that is right for her.
If her feelings are true for him and not because of her loneliness, then she should definitely tell him.
He might already know that she still loves him so even after she confirms it, it might or might not effect his decision to marry his now girlfriend.
She shouldn't tell him, because that would be kind of cruel to the other girl. She had many chances to tell him and she didn't tell him so, let it be. She'd be in the wrong for breaking up the engagement because they're already in love.
And btw I don't take marriages too seriously anymore. I'm 17, my parents are divorced and most of the marriages that I've seen in my life end in divorce. Every woman in my family divorces her husband. I'm doomed.
It's a curse. lol
She had her chance, so it's time to move on. If she really did love him, they wouldn't have broken up in the first place. It's only now, AFTER they broke up, AFTER it didn't work out with the new guy for her, that she's feeling this way. Would any of this happen if things did work out well for her? It'd be selfish of her to try to get him back at this point.
This is a tough situation, but that's just how life is sometimes. It's clear that she hasn't really moved on from him. While she should have told him a lot earlier, it's a gamble she took in hoping that he'd break up with his current girlfriend so that they would eventually be together.
In the end, she should be honest with him, but she should not do anything to try and break him up with his fiancee. That's just petty and selfish and she could lose him as a friend permanently. She needs to let him make the ultimate choice with the given information and should not try to force him to choose her or make ultimatums. He'll know in his heart if his fiancee is the right one for him or if it's your friend. Your friend needs to be realistic though and should be prepared for the worst.
obviously, he doesn't feel the same. if he did, they'd be together.
if they broke up because each wanted to succeed, why did they move onto another relationship?
Tell him how you feel, but also explain that you REALLY just want him to be happy. If he's really a good friend, he'll understand. But he can't make the best decision for himself until he has all the information he needs to make it. So just sit down and talk to him and let him know what's on your mind - worst case, you realize he's not that great of a friend after all. Best case, you win him back.
I say take the chance and let him know. I did to a few of the girls that I liked, and, yes, I was disappointed later when I was rejected.....but I got it out, and that's what she should do. It's getting it out, letting him know, and letting it fly, because keeping it bottled up will only cause problems later. At least he'll know, and if she is again rejected, then that will help her be able to let go. Saying nothing and not letting her former beau know will only hurt later...
I'll also add this: even though I was disappointed on several occasions with girls that I liked, even ones that I was very close with, it helped me to move on, even though I was rejected. I am now married to the most beautiful woman in the world, and have not a twinge of regret nor any questions of "What if?". Letting the feelings out, and letting them be made known to the party for whom the feelings are there does a world of good, even if it doesn't seem so at the time. It may not for this friend, either, but at least it will be better than having "What if?" hanging around all of the time....
i would say tell him, but i'm putting myself in the gf's shoes.. would i really want another woman telling my fiancee she is still love with him? i suppose the gf trusts your friend because she is letting her bf talk to her. imagine how it's going to be like after your friend tells him.... it would make sense that the gf will be more protective and tries to break up their friendship as much as possible. so i would leave it as that... your friend missed her chance. so move on with her life and find someone else. being in love with someone doesnt mean you have to be with them.
So...if he weren't engaged, would she tell him? No, I doubt it, bc she seems oddly comfortable in that limbo. She gets to keep him in a very safe capacity that is threatened by the engagement and subsequent marriage.
It is unfair of her to expect him to drop everything with someone who obviously makes him happy enough to marry her, just because she's harboring these feelings for him. If he reciprocated, if he believed there was any chance in the world that 1) she still loved him and 2) that they were meant to be together, he wouldn't be getting married now.
Add in the fact that, what, she expected him to just randomly date until he, what, realized she was the One, when he has clearly moved on, makes me want to ask how much longer she intends to pine for a dead relationship. She can't possibly move on if she's doing that.
I don't mean to come off as harsh, but she's prolly missed The One because she was mooning over a man that no longer wants to be in her life in that capacity. She isn't learning from her relationship with him and how to avoid such a situation again. And at the end of the day, she's going to do this again, or be lonely for the rest of her life, bc she let him get away. Whatever. He's been out of her net long enough to fall in love with someone else.
Bottom line, if it's going to kill her inside to never tell him, then tell him, but with that offering, understand that there's a very real chance that he's going to tell her that it's too late.
She should tell him because later on, she'd be thinking about "What if?" But before she should, she should tell him that she considers his happiness with him and his fiance.
What if's are the worst. She needs to know one way or the other, so she should tell him. If he isn't interested, he's obviously not the one, and if he is then they can talk about it.
I think that if he's happy and in love enough to want to spend the rest of his life with someone, that she shouldn't interfere. That being said, I've been in the same situation and ended up telling my ex. He said that he cared about me deeply still but it wasn't the same, that he really loved her and knew that it was right. We could still be friends...I told him as a FYI.
I don't know the writer of this blog, but it pretty much mimics my life from 2 years ago.
I didn't tell him how I felt.
He married his fiance, and I felt horrible.
I only recently told him how I felt as I was breaking up our friendship. By not telling him I'd created a HUGE elephant in the room we weren't talking about. By me not telling him I was keeping a truth from the world and from myself.
So now, I have lost a friend by keeping my mouth shut.
Telling him was like a huge weight being taken off my shoulders. Now, I feel like we could be friends again, but I had to tell him in such a dramatic way that becoming friends again seems impossible.
Bottom line: She should tell him. It is her personal truth. It may make him rethink HIS personal truth, and it may not. But that isn't for her to decide. I firmly believe that she will be able to move on with life (regarless of his reply) after she's said her piece.
Take it from someone who didn't and wishes she had an opportunity like this. Good luck.
I went through something like this about a year and a half ago. It worked out okay- we're both married now, to different people. I realized, after I started dating my now husband, that I had never really loved that first guy. It was just an intense crush.
Tell him, because when he REALLY gets married then theres a lesser chance for her. Maybe he thought this is what she wanted in the first place.
tell him!
everyone has different opinions about this situation. it's hard being in love, but can't be with the one you love. if she tells him, he might break up with his gf and get back with her and that would be selfish >__< but on the other hand, she was supposed to get back together with him after they straightened out their careers. it's hard to live without regrets, but i think she should move on and let him go. :/ both either way, someone's bound to get hurt .__. love is cruel.
She should tell him!!!
Secrets are very negitive and create tention..
But I think she should tell him because she's still in love with him, she needs him to be happy...
She needs to get it off her chest to him..