By
Miss Double ShotI was out at dinner last night with my friend Kelly, who's been seeing a fantastic guy for the past couple of months, and we got on the topic of this new guy of the moment.
"You
know what's weird? I think he's the first guy I've ever dated whose
parents are divorced." Kelly's parents are still together.
"Why
does that matter?" I asked. "I've dated . . . okay, well, maybe I've
only dated guys whose parents were together, too . . ."
"See?" she said. "I think if your parents stayed together, you'd want to date guys whose parents did, too."
We
threw ideas back and forth at each other: it could be the unconscious
need to find someone with a similar background; you'd relate to each
other more easily; you might be more willing to keep things together
and talk out differences, maybe. At any rate, I changed my mind and
decided that Kelly was right.
Think back through the people
you've dated - do your parents ' marital statuses match up? Do you
think that could affect the way or the people you date?
Comments (48)
I don't know that it affected who I dated, but it did affect the relationships as a whole. I feel like some men that I have dated that have come from families with divorced parents (mine are still together) didn't necessarily know what a loving relationship was supposed to be like. So to an extent, I agree with this.
I think it influences behavior in the relationship, but not necessarily whether or not people enter it. I've dated people with divorced parents (though they're in the minority), but I don't recall ever specifically learning about someone's familial life before dating them.
It might be an indicator of how well the relationship works, though; it's possible that relationships between people with similar backgrounds last a bit longer on average, but that'd require an extensive study.
I think my parents definitely affect the way I date. My parents are together and happy, and I'm looking for a relationship with my S.O. that's similar to theirs.
My parents like to do activities together; they have similar friends; they value time with their own friends; they have similar values; etc. I value these things as well with my S.O.
My parents have the most unhealthy relationship. They hate each other but are still together but my mom really doesn't accept the idea of me dating a guy who's parents are divorced.
what an interesting observation.... i dunno if there is validity to it, but it makes sense that dating people whose parents are in a successful marriage at leasts ups the percentage that the person at least knows what a successful marriage looks like....
Absolutely our parents affect how we date. Is it always the exact same way for everyone? I doubt that.
I guess indirectly, they do, but in the end, I try to make a choice that I'm happy with. I'm not my parents and they're not me.
My parents have been married for 37 years, and they still walk around holding hands. He still does things for her out of the blue to make her life a little bit nicer. They still go dancing together at night, in fact, 3 nights a week. For me, they've been a true model of what a loving marriage should be like.
I wouldn't have it any other way, but it actually makes it MORE difficult to be happy in a relationship, knowing what it COULD be like, seeing my parents marriage. I look at them, and I think "yeah that's what its supposed to be." and I look at mine, and I think "no, thats not what mine is."
Anyway.
Looking back, I don't think there's a correlation between the behavior of my ex's whose parents were together, and those whose parents were divorced.
In fact, and these may be anomalies, but the one who had the worst family life (divorce, abuse, etc.) ended up being the most loyal and loving and communicative ex; and the one who had parents who had been together since they were young ended up being the one who strayed and would not communicate and ended up walking out on me for no good reason.
There was a correlation in their attitudes though. I noticed the ones who came from parents who were successfully married and loving tended to have a much healthier and optimistic view on long term relationships, in general (but still didn't change their behavior much from the other set).
I think there's more than just parents' marital status. I think the quality of the marriage/divorce of our parents affect the way we date. When we see something we like, we try to bring that aspect into our relationships. Then when we see something we don't, we try to make sure it never shows up.
However, I think it's not just the marriage/divorce of our parents but also the influence of our parents on us as individuals. I'd be interested to see an entry about how our relationships with our parents affect our relationships with our significant others. :)
My parents are divorced (have been since I was 9), and I've only dated guys whose parents are still together. I always thought it was coincidence until now. I think as someone who grew up seeing a marriage fail and not seeing real love, it was important for me to see that in my SO's parents. Seeing them helped me to realize more what a family is about and put more importance on marriage. All the guys I dated were also Italian, and have big, welcoming families, which I think also really helped me learn to love properly. I think for me, I need my SO's parents to be married, because it makes up for the bad example I had in my own parents and gives me faith that marriage can work out in the real world.
I don't think the marital status matters as much as what their relationship is like. My parents are divorced, but that had a much different effect on me than my step-sister whose parents had a huge blown-out bitter divorce, while mine were extremely amicable and have always been friendly to each other.
Hubby's parents are still together, BTW.
You know never thought about it... but you may be right about that...
I don't think it's the marital status of your parents so much as it is the ideas about how relationships work that your parents raise you with. People whose parents live in friendly divorce learn how to be really friendly with the people they would like to be in a relationship with - people whose parents have bitter divorces have bitter relationships. People whose parents are in an unhappy or somewhat forced marriage learn how to be in unhappy or somewhat forced relationships, etc. etc. etc. If you know the pattern your parents are living out, you can observe if it's how you're in reaction to the world.
EDIT: Wow, some one a comment up from me said this already. Now I feel redundant.
Actually.....my ex girlfriend's parents are divorced. Mine are still together, yet we stayed together with each other for a year before we broke up. So it really didnt have any effect on my dating experience, and it still doesnt, even though i'm single. I may get the occasional comment on why I'm dating someone, but other than that, I dont search for someone with a common background, I search for someone who will be a good girlfriend.
At least for me it doesn't make any sense. My parents have been
together for 25 years (though they are going through a rough patch
currently) and my boyfriend of a year and a half's parents have been
divorced and loathing each other since he was one year old.
I
think it's the nature v. nurture debate. Is it the way the person was
raised, or how the personality is that makes them compatible? My
answer is and always has been to, "nature or nurture?" Answer: YES.
My parents are divorced and crazy. My boyfriend's parents are divorced and crazy. But if I could pick, i would definitely choose someone whose parents were together and happy, simply because that would give me more of a sense of family that I never had growing up.
@FireMapleSong@xanga - See my above comment.
My boyfriend and I are one of the happiest couple either of us knows. I wrote a post on my blog a while back about how much I appreciate him (probably still on the first page if you care that much) and we haven't ever had a major fight in 2.5+ years.
Very different from the angry, manipulative pandemonium that both of our sets of parents created.
My parents have been married to each other for 26 years this year. My bf's parents are divorced-- his dad is a drug addict and his mom has been married something like 7-8 times in total (I never straight up asked her). So as you can see, very different situations.
We've been together for 4 months and still going strong, so... we'll see.
@eternal_dreaming@xanga - for me (I'm hoping), my relationship with my parents is absolutely nothing like my relationship with my SO. My relationship with my SO is actually good. But in family matters, I tend to be the exception, not the rule. *shrug*
@tialoca_talks@xanga - By the same token, it's not fair to those of us who had no control over our parents' decisions, but still have a good handle on what we want in life (which is much better than they did, thank you very much!) I fall under this category, as do several people i know.
@the_last_kiss - It's possible that people with crazy parents have actively worked and sought to make their relationships much better (as I have done). It's also possible that people with "normal" parents have just expected a similar relationship to fall into their lap without much work (I've seen people who believe this). I think it varies widely based on the individual and their particular experience.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - Your recognition that your parents behavior is unacceptable is a sign that you do not wish to recreate it. I assume your boyfriend has the same sort of recognition. Because you recognize the pattern, you can nip it in the bud instead of emulating it. Being raised admist a bitter a divorce does not doom you to repeat the fate of your parents - it only gives you a sense of normalcy in that setting, unless your parents broke up later in life.
To clarify my earlier comment, those whose parents, lets say, are trapped in an unhappy marriage, are not doomed to repeat that, but feel "normal" or even "at home" in unhappy relationships. It takes recognition of our individuality and the power/responsibility that comes with it to truly create a different sort of relationship.
So, congratulations. You conciously didn't become your parents.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - sigh....1. the comment was not an indictment of you or anyone in your situation (whatever that is) believe it or not, not all things or comments necessarily relate to you...2. life isn't fair, get over it and get on with it....
My parents have been divorced ever since I could form cohorent sentences. With my ex, his parents were still together, although we did share something, we both lost our dads. Kinda just happened randomly really.
@tialoca_talks@xanga - I was just trying to clarify that there are exceptions. No need to be upset.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - not upset dear...
Now that I think about it, the only boys that I've been really serious about liking have had parents who stayed together, just like mine...