A Datingish reader writes...If there was anything I wanted to do when my ex and I were together, it was to ask him a series of questions regarding
his past. The main thing that stopped me from doing so was the fear of
sounding too intrusive. I didn't want to violate his privacy and come
off as nosy, so I remained silent.
I remember his telling me, several weeks before we entered a
relationship, that there were things he had done in his past he'd
rather not tell me about. His reason was, "You might see me
differently." I respected his decision and left it at that.
As the relationship progressed, however, I couldn't help but to
question some things. A particular question kept re-surfacing in my
mind, which I came close to asking several times, but never had the
courage to.
Truth be told, I was a little afraid of seeing him in a different
light and I didn't want to ruin whatever relationship we had. Now that
we're no longer together, I still want to ask him, but I don't think it
is appropriate. The nature of the question is private. I don't want to
embarrass him (or myself) by posing the question nor do I want to put
him on the spot. I don't think either is very fair.
Are there certain aspects of our SOs' pasts we should know about or
are they completely entitled to its secrecy and that the past should
remain the past? Though we're merely friends now, do you think it is
still appropriate to ask?
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Comments (40)
Ask away! You're friends now, he probably meant that you might see him differently and lose interest in him romantically but since you're not together I would ask.
If the primary reason is that it might affect the relationship, and that reason is gone, why not?
i'd ask, just because I can be intrusive like that, but if it's really bothering you, then yeah, I think you have a right to now.
Like, what if you find out he was a murderer or something?
Tell him that you're not going to judge him, and that things will still be the same, and try to keep that promise.
If it's important to you and they care about you, they should answer the question. If your SO thinks you wont see them in the same way anymore, they're obviously keeping a secret from you. Honesty is the best policy.
i always ask when we're together. i don't care if i sound intrusive.
if in doubt, don't ask....i have been married 25 years (well..this October) and i still get surprised by things my hubby has done or thinks...now, if it is a question that needs to be asked because you will not stay with someone under certain circumstances (like say...are you a career criminal?), then fire away...but just cuz isn't a good enuf reason to pry into people's lives.....
In a relationship, I feel that its best to let it all out including your past. A past is a past, and it may help you understand that person more and where they came from. People learn from their mistakes and move on. If he's not that person anymore, then there should be no difference in the way you look at him. Ask him anyways, you're friends now.
If it bothered you so much during the relationship, I wondered why you didn't just bring it up rather than harbor those feelings. I don't think it's healthy for the relationship.. for you to suppress your questions & for him to not reveal the whole truth. 'Cause then, how do you learn to love the person for who he really is if you don't know everything about him? True love can see beyond the past & accept how it's made him who he is today, your love.
I would've asked the question while still in the relationship but I guess that's just me. I'm not afraid of holding back. I will ask questions when I'm curious or just tell things as I see them when I disagree. It took me a while to get to this point in my relationship but one night, I just told my guy everything that's happened to me in the past.. all my old "crushes" & dates & stuff. He did the same. While it took him a bit longer to grasp the extent of the information I told him, he accepted that it's made me who I am today & loves me for who I am. :)
But since you're now out of the relationship, if you still have a close friendship with him, I don't see why not. Again, my curious nature causes me not to withhold my questions. :P
a relationship whether it be friends or as an so, is still a relationship. if past events would change that and they are not told then the relationship is not true. it is built on a shaky foundation. the past is past and it should not matter if you tell or not. yes there are things in my past i would rather not talk about, but if asked, i will not hide them and it just might bond the relationship better. then again...people have a habit to throw things in our face when they get upset at us and they bring up the past. besides...it always seems worse to one than to the one being told the past.
Don't torture yourself. just ask - you deserve that closure!
Ask already! Nuff said.
after we broke up/stopped talking for the first time.
i still ask him about his past.. whether there's girls blahblah
whatever..
and yeah he was like your guy too..
telling me that there are certain things he rather not tell me because i might see him differently or change the relationship we had.
sometimes i left it as it be.. sometimes i just kept on asking
just because i know that it shouldnt effect anything
the past is the past.. theres nothin you can do to change it.
and besides.
you guys are friends now.. shouldnt really change anything...
I think it is fine for you to ask in such a way that still leaves it completely open to him as to whether he wants to answer or not. You could do it in person, or just by email (so it gives him time to process the question, and a less awkward "out" on whether he wants to respond or not). It's hard to say not knowing what it is you're wanting to ask, but again I don't think there's much harm in asking... as long it's clear that he has a choice not to answer.
I would view it as him offering it up by mentioning that there were things he doesn't want to talk about from his past. In the very beginning of a relationship I can understand maybe not having the trust to open up about everything but if you have been in the relationship for very long then that trust should be there and you should ask about.
If he refuses to talk about it then you should be very concerned and worried about what it is and maybe should break it off.
Had he just not ever even mentioned that he had those things in his past then he would have had more of a right to keep his secrets.
My husband and I had no problem opening up to each other while we were dating, and our pasts were nothing we couldn't work through.
But then I think about my sister who had a long, four year relationship with someone who was already married once, but didn't want to talk about it. Their breaking point was when she found a wedding invitation of SOMEONE ELSE he almost married--and never mentioned this one to my sister--and how irrationally angry he became because she was "prying into his past".
And I also think of a very good friend of mine who met, dated, and quickly married someone who was going to graduate collage "any day now". After supporting him for almost three years--including taking a job which required her to go out of state, she found out that he started to date someone else.
So I guess it depends on your scenario whether or not to pry, be it a dating relationship or a friendship relationship.
I ask my boyfriend questions that I know I won't like the answer too, but I like to know his past and whatnot.
Xo
I think it's good to know if you plan on marrying the person, but if you're just dating, it's up to you how comfortable you feel knowing everything.
I'd ask too, just because- well , what have you got to lose anyway?
i would AWAYS ask.
I wouldn't be able to date soemoen without knowing their past.
I think its important to know everything in regards to that subject, even if they aren't comfortable. It is part of the relationship. Because what happens when someone who does know comes in an intentionally or unintentionally lets you know. It would be seen as a act of dishonesty or lack of trust that he didn't tell you. The past is hard but if you two were to even have a future together you have to know about each others past. What if the secret past was being a convicted murderer? The second you heard that from someone you wouldn't want to irrationally break up? At least if he tells you about it he can explain it better or at least with his side of it and if it comes up later from someone else you can respond back to them (if you two were still together) "I know about it and its ok because he has changed and we are moving on" as opposed to "OMG I am dating a murderer, how do I break up with him such that he doesn't get pissed off and want to murder me". And yah. Just better to have all the cards out on the table.
I think if it's something that they explicitly didn't want to share, it perhaps is something you ought to have known. I find it odd that you would feel more free to ask now than when you were together, because it was probably more important that you knew while you were together. I dunno. It's hard to say, knowing so little about the situation. I am leery of anything like this. I mean, if you can't be open with one another, what's the point?
no problems asking, but if he avoids the question again, maybe there's a reason why.
I definitely think that you will see that person in a different light given the situation. But, if you really want to be with them, you gotta try to understand them. That doesn't mean you're gonna HAVE to accept him/her if they were serial killers in the past lol.
Although you want to respect their privacy, they should try to make the effort to trust you if the relationship is really serious.
My boyfriend has admitted that there are things that he hasn't told me yet, and I am fine with that. He doesn't have to tell me everything about himself. I know there is a reason he doesn't want to tell me so I respect that.
I am going to go against the grain and say respect his decision to not tell you. He may be shamed of things in his past and wants to be a different person from it.
If the relationship is serious, I think it's better to just know the good and bad things about the person. Yea you might look at them differently, but I think it would be way better for me to know them instead of harboring feelings about who they really are.
For this situation, I think you gotta give time for the person to tell you. Sometimes, you just gotta wait. But if the relationship is really serious and you've given them time, I think asking them wouldn't hurt. They gotta understand where you're coming from.