This is a guest blog submitted by sleepyhead.One of the toughest decisions a recent college grad has to make is whether to live at home or move out . . . and it gets even tougher if you have a significant other who is trying to influence your decision
My best friend from elementary school is dealing with this decision. He recently graduated, so he's currently living at home with his parents. He just got a job and is planning to buy a brand new Lexus (He already owns a 2003 Acura TL).
His girlfriend of four years (who's still in school) wants him to move out on his own. Instead of buying a new car, she told him to put the money towards a new apartment or house. He refuses, saying he doesn't need his own place; "It's not like I'm getting married anytime soon, and this way, I can save money." His parents are going to buy the car for him and he'll pay them monthly to avoid interest charges. Both parties make valid arguments:
His side:
- Living at home saves money
- I can get a new car!
- I don't need all the extra space an apartment would offer - I only have one sibling in a big house
- Family is really important to me, so seeing them every day matters
Her side:
- Having your own place means privacy
- You don't need a new car - a 2003 is still a good car! Save that money for an apartment
- Apartment vs. car - it's a pretty easy decision
- It's cheaper to buy places now and money for a car could go toward a mortgage for a house
Recently
another Datingish reader wrote about the same topic after she went on a first date. Her date, a 24-year-old, still lived with his parents but drove a BMW - she thought he should've moved out before he got a car!
Everyone has his own preference, but if you were in that situation, what would you suggest your SO do: stay at home or move out?
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Comments (88)
You can suggest all you want, but they're going to do what they're going to do!
However, imo the girlfriend has the right idea. This is the time for him to grow up and get his own life. To me it sounds like mom and dad still aren't ready for that either and are enabling him to be dependent upon them. They are also not teaching him what matters most, basics first. While I agree that having a car first makes it much easier when moving out, he already has a car. That need is met. He's just fulfilling wants at this point. And to that tune, he obviously does not value private time with his SO. I'd say these two are simply at different phases in their lives right now, and sometimes that is enough to move on from the relationship if what she wants is a strong enough desire. It just depends on how important such things are to her. On the other hand, she could try to wait it out. But I'd set a reasonable amount of time as a limit... 1 yr perhaps?
Ever watched Failure To Launch? xD
Anyway. I think when you're with someone for 4 years, saying that won't marry anytime soon might hurt her a little. it is 4 years after a while, moving in together sounds like a good idea.
Move out. I think it's okay for girls to live at home, but guys really should move out after a year or two.
I'd like to live alone, but my parent's won't move out!
@NiDH0GG@xanga - niceeeeeee lol
Right now I live with my parents to save money and pay for my student loans. I don't have all the added expenses of rent, and bills so all the money I make goes to student loans and saving money. My boyfriend understands that and is all for it while we date. Now if he wanted to marry me then well of course I'll move out haha
Best option: take the car from the folks, don't pay them, and rent a place.
Joking aside, I would just say unless you're driving a POS car, why do you need a new Lexus? How typically prodigal of an American. As for the apartment situation, that's a little more reason. Though the rent $ could go somewhere else, like retirement, some parents are just unbearable (mine) and you just need your breathing room. As for a house??? I don't think somebody fresh out of college should be making a 15/30 year mortgage so early in their career, when they basically have not earned much and don't have much job security. But if his folks are rich and sympathetic, I suppose they'll bail him out, so go for whatever.
I think the bigger question is how can you stand to live with your parents after you've graduated from college?! I'm a sophomore and as soon as I can get my own place, I'm out of here.
I've got a similar story.. only I'm on the other side [move out or not?] & now it's got a few twists. [I'd post the story here but it's a bit long.. msg me if you want to hear it.]
I do see how the girl is arguing for him to move out.. They've been in a relationship for four years & she obviously thinks they're going to get married sometime down the road. Therefore the first sign of that happening is if he moved out. Then I see the other side, living at home will save money. I'm sure he has good reason to stay home & save up.
If it were me, I'd let my guy choose to stay home 'cause I know he'll want to move out eventually because he is serious about me. I wouldn't want to nag or force him to move out & "start growing up" because he should want to do that on his own volition. It'll also show me he cares & wants to move to the next step with me 'cause he's ready. :)
one of the biggest turn offs is a guy who lives at home but drives around a nice car. what does he need a lexus for if he already a car? and the whole "i'm not getting married any time soon anyway" excuse to a gf of four years? but then again he's young so he's in a different state of mind and his priorites are out of whack right now.
I have two brothers who we're in almost the same situation. The first one moved out about five months after graduating (and after 3 months of working). He and his SO hadn't much money saved so they rented a house at first. It wasn't the best house but it was good and suited them at that time. A year after, they got married and two years after they got their first kid. (Weddings and kids = spending money). Now, seven years later, they've built their own house and had to lend a reasonable amount of money from the bank. The house isn't finished (paintjobs, nice lightings,...) and they'll be paying the bank for the next 20 years or so. But they have the house, they've had their troubles and they're happy and a strong couple.
My other brother stayed home after graduating. He got a job after two months or so and stayed with my parents for the next 4/5 years. So did his girlfriend. So they both saved up a nice amount of money (they also got cars/cells from the company and such, which my other brother hadn't.) Last year they bought a loft together and let all the work be done (my other brother and sister in law did it their own mostly). And they ar enow living in a finished loft, with all the extravanganza they want. They lent money too, but they're not gonna be paying back as many years and their house is completely finished.
They're also happy now and they're also a good couple. But like my other brother, they also had some strugglings and problems. Because, as said, they didn't have as much privacy that an adult in a serious relationship wants. And that is because he lived at home for so long. My parents also interefered a lot with him and asked a lot 'bout his job and other activities and such.
Both parties have plus-sides and downsides. And what you choose depends on what YOU yourself want, what kind of personality you have and how your parents are to live with.
If I graduate, I'm moving out immeadiatly. It's a bit harder financially, but it's a lot more freedom and you'll actually really grow up and wont rely on your parents too much.
I know plenty of losers who'd rather live with mommy and have nice toys then to get out on their own.
move out. it's time to grow up.
The way I see it is this:
a car gets you to work.
you live in a house.
you can also live in a car,
but you cannot get to work in a house.
so, I think a car is better...
BUT if he already has a car, he should stop being spoiled and try moving out on his own. Or maybe he can go live in the car he already has.
24 and still living with mommy and daddy is just pathetic...what a loser...18..eh...just getting his ducks in a row before he jumps...but be a man and admit it is to get toys lined out and don't give me any crapspeak about how much you love your family...i may have been born yesterday, but i didn't live all day for nothing...
@AllMyNamesAreTaken@xanga - haha, I like your way of thinking!
My reasoning for living with my mom right now has a very different background. I went through a TON of crap in the past year and honestly didn't have a choice on whether to move in or not (I had an apartment before all of this). I wonder if people think of me this way, because I have a brand new Mustang...I just now got a full-time job though so as soon as I save up enough money I'm moving.
how about live at home and NOT buy a new car?
win-win
i'm fond of the idea of changing cars often, but that's a luxury few people can afford, especially one who is deciding to live at home or not.
anyways, i just graduated and im enjoying my time at home right now, but that's only because I know i'm moving to a new state soon so I feel like I can spoil myself a little by living at home. Besides, I have no SO.
@Cest_LaxVie@xanga - Agreed.
move out. if he says he's saving money, isn't he contradicting himself when he says he's buying a new car?
What he's doing to his girlfriend is a little hurtful if she wants to get married, but everyone grows up differently and has different goals. If someone fresh out of college wants to save up money by living at home and his parents don't have a problem with it, who are we to judge?
Haha, my gut reaction: stick that money into a Roth IRA
I vote for apartment...so much more fun to have your own place if you have a girlfriend
Uh, move out. The fact he's relying on his parents still to make his life easier is not a valid argument, it's an excuse. Especially considering he feasibly has the money to move out if he's "buying" a new car through his parents gracious loans....
At his age he should not be allowing his parents to buy him a car just so he can get a five year newer model without interest. Interest is what big boys deal with - and he's obviously not dealing with it. The fact he doesn't mind living at home is also a problem. He has no motivation to be on his own? He has to be married before he finds a reason to move out? What he's doing is taking advantage of his parents. In this generation, it's "normal" to be home so late in life, but come on...he's old enough to cook his own food.
i would LOVE to have an SO with his own place, but the most intelligent thing to do is move in with his parents, not buy car, and then save up so that you have the smallest mortgage possible.
for some reason it seems more socially acceptable in the asian community for people in their 20s to live at home. i think it's a cultural thing. none of my friends (most of which are asian, myself included) have ever had this problem.
living with parents and dating doesnt mix...im moving out as soon as I can.
she's still in high school??? that sounds like a minor...
o. i think he should move out, but if he's happy with his family then let him be. it seems simple to me.