This is a guest blog submitted by melsie. Last month I saw my ex, Brian, at Barnes & Noble. At first I wasn't sure it was him because he was sporting a newly shaven head, but at a closer glance, it was definitely him. I tried to walk around him quickly, but when he called out my name really loudly and everyone within five feet of him looked at me, I felt like I had to stop and at least acknowledge him with a wave. This is how our conversation went:
Him: Heyyyyyyy...long time no see! How've you been?
Me: Hhhhh hhhhh hhhhhii. I'm good. Look..I gotta run.
Him: Wait! Can't you stay a couple of minutes? I've missed you.
Me: No. Brian, please don't start with your "I've missed you" crap. It's over, and please don't make me feel guilty for ending our relationship.
Him: I've changed. Why can't you give me one more chance?
Me: You've wasted all of your chances. Please stay out of my life, and I'll stay out of yours. Bye!
Out of all of my exes, he wasn't exactly the one I was the most eager to see again. For a while, our relationship was good - really good, in fact - but then jealousy entered into the picture. He went from the guy my mom absolutely adored to the guy she wanted to call the cops to protect me from...
He started checking up on me when he wasn't with me, sending a friend to spy on me when I was out with friends, and he even said that I couldn't spend as much time with my friends if I still wanted to see him.
If that wasn't enough, he started spending "mysterious weekend trips" out of state and whenever I asked him about them, he said, "You don't need to worry about that."
I don't know what flipped the crazy switch on him, but after he went on a 2 week vacation with his family over the summer, he came back a changed man.
I've never given an ex a second chance, but if I did decide give him one, I'm afraid I'd wind up really hurt. He hurt me the first time with all of his jealousy antics, so is it wrong to not want to give him a second chance?
Have you ever run into an ex, and he/she brought up the topic of the both of you getting back together? Have you ever regretted breaking up with an ex so much that you wanted to get back together?
And, last, once you've broken up with someone, does that mean you should never get back together even if they claim they've changed?
Recommend
Comments (66)
If I were you, I wouldn't give him a chance. It's over and done. As far as exes go, i don't think I'd give them a chance. If you really think it's worth it, then do it. Personally, I wouldn't unless I really considered that we broke up for something absurd. The whole jealousy thing would be too much for me. I mean you can be a bit jealous to a certain extent but not too much. I'd bid adieu to them forever.
I have a rule that I try to follow about this, mainly because I've had several guys dump me just to go back out with an ex, only to have that relationship fail a second time. I figure, you broke up for a reason...what's the point? Maybe it works out for some people, but unless the reason was because one of you moved away and are now back in town, then move on!
Then again, even the one who went back to the ex that moved away and came back didn't work out either!
Nope, I wouldn't give him a chance if I were you. Ultimately, it's really up to you, but who can prove to me that he won't go back to his old ways? By saying that, I don't mean that people can change, but he sounds too crazy. Also, I think to go back with an ex would take me a while. I prefer not to do it, but I guess I would consider the extremity of why we broke up.
wow, i definitely have encountered this situation! i'm really wary about giving my ex another chance even though he claims he's changed a lot and your description of your ex sounds exactly the same as mine! jealousy is such an evil thing. yes, it's okay to love someone to try hard to protect them... but restricting you from being with your friends and enjoying your own separate life away from the relationship is just way too much! i just had to give up when it came down to that..
i've never regretted breaking up. but i have given someone another chance. it seemed they had changed and it turned out they were the same person, deep down. just gotta remember that there was a reason, a big reason, you broke up in the first place.
I would not give a guy like that a second chance. It sounds a lot like one of my exes. He was sweet and a gentlemen and then for some reason he got really jealous of my guy friends said I couldn't go out without him, and was actually jealous that he wasn't number 1 in my life: Jesus was. The man was jealous of Jesus!! Thats when I ended it.
After that he didn't so much send me messages but my roommate and close friend messages and she said the girl he was dating looked like me. weird. Now he apologized for his treatment and said he wanted me back...But like you I said too late, I've moved on. And so should you.
You can't trust him to not be that way again and generally a gut feeling that he would hurt you again is the right feeling.
Wow, thats really scary and crazy. There was only two ex's i really wanted to get back together with on my end. They used the whole "Let's just be friends for now..." line on me. Which then makes you think that they want to date you again. My current ex said that to me two months ago since we never were friends to begin with so i figured that she wanted to try to be friends...which is understandable. Now we dont even talk, and theres a funny story behind that. I THINK that getting back with ex's is actually a bad idea. I have watched it happen, i have heard about stories were people want to give it a try....I have never EVER heard of them lasting of it even happening. :(
p.s. someone once told me recently. "Your Ex's for a reason."
yea, I wouldn't get back with an ex. there's a reason why I broke up with them(like many other people have mentioned) so I don't see why go back when I can start anew
I was in a very similar situation to yours. No I would NOT get back with him. Being the perfect guy in the beginning, then the mystery trips, he tried to keep me from hanging out with my friends, jealousy, controlling. I later put the pieces of the puzzle together, and he was cheating. Stay away from guys like that.
"Exes are exes for a reason" is what I tell people (one friend in particular with an ex complex). And from observation, people I know who have tried to date an ex again, it hadn't worked out. I was considering possibly dating an ex again. I chalked up our breakup to bad timing, selfishness, communication issues, and inexperience. We also hadn't dated long at all. But after he started showing some initiative and dependability (which lacked before) and started calling more and coming over and taking me out, I was thinking it could work out again. But I didn't take any steps, just observing and having fun, and those tendencies started coming up again and that's when I laid that to rest. We weren't dating that second time he came around, just hanging out, and I realized that nothing hadn't really changed and that it would be better to move on from there on a good note.
I mean I still talk to that person and we had a convo recently that had he knew then what he knows now he believes we would still be together. But that's all gravy and potatoes now cause I have someone I don't ever plan on getting rid of. :)
So, I mean, the ex dude in this case seems a lil whacked and controlling, and I myself probably wouldn't give him another chance if it got to the point where I was scared. If you do think that other qualities of his could redeem him tho, I think it would be best to just keep it at a platonic level for a while, imo. Like talk and go out, not committed or anything and observe him and his behavior that way yanno, if tendencies do start coming up again it won't be hard to just keep it moving since you weren't committed to him anyway.
yeah, i had and guess what ??? he end up hurting me more than the first time .... it's best to steer clear of the drama - nobody deserves it!
No, it is not wrong of you to not want to give him a second chance.
I have never ran into an ex who brought up the topic of getting back together. I have never regretted breaking up with anyone. I did break up with one ex and get back together with him once, but that was because I felt really bad and let other people fill my head with stuff. He was a great guy, just not the guy for me. He would have gone back with me a million times because he was so in love with me. We're pretty good friends now.
Other than that one time, I stick by "He is an ex for a reason"
I strongly advise you dont give this idiot a second chance. Trust is a hard thing to find in this world, and currently you obviously don't trust him. You were ex's for a solid reason....he was probably cheating on you. I know you don't want to accept that theory, but that's exactly what it sounds like to me. I was in a similar situation with my ex. I started out as the perfect guy, then for some reason i just started losing interest in my girlfriend. However I did not take any "mystery trips" and i didnt send a friend to hang out with her or anything like that. I spent too much time with MY friends and she just couldnt take it so she quit on me. Bottomline is I was a jerk, and over time (not a dang vacation), I managed to change myself and I'm more dateable than ever. If i were to ask her for a second chance, I would probably get it because she has faith in me and she trusts me. Trust is a big thing. If you don't got it, don't go for it. I agree with everyone else in saying that you should be looking for someone else to think about instead of trying to let the controlfreak back into your life. You should stay distant friends with him. If he's truly changed, maybe you'll see that through occasional talk with him. But then since you're only friends with him, there's nothing stopping you from finding someone better than him.
before i got going to answer, i was gearing up to say it depends on what they did to initially let you decide to break it off...and then i read that he was jealous, etc...i'm with Dustin wind...don't look back or go back....even if he has changed, he and you have a set way of acting with eachother that would be easy to fall back into and very hard to consciously erase...and besides, it is the oldest dance on the dance card for control freaks to beg for a second chance because "they've changed'...i am interested to see how he reacts when you tell him no and he thinks you mean it...it will say a lot
I gave my ex of 2 years 2 more chances. And found out all that I was good for both times. The first chance he was "changed" and the second chance he "really missed what we had together." I was dumb, and I tried, and both times I was okay until someone better (in his eyes, anyways) came into the picture. He was a real dog.
Let's just say sometimes it's okay to be friends again, and if the break up wasn't messy and hectic and mean, then maybe you have potential to get back together. But in our case, it's easiest that we don't talk, at all, ever, because we just can't see eye to eye on anything.
No. I've only dated two guys. One of them was not my type to begin with, and I have converted to another religion since dating him, which would be a deal breaker for him. The other pissed me off in a way that I do not want to deal with again.
I have run into the first one a few times, and since we stayed friends, it wasn't awkward at all. But we both knew dating each other was a mistake so neither of us would try it again. The second one lives in another country, so I haven't seen him since.
And I've kind of got blinders on for one particular person right now, and he's the only one I really want to take a chance with at the moment.
Honestly, I'd go with your first gut reaction and stick with it. Given that your initial reaction was to avoid the guy completely and just leave, I'd say stick with it. I think there's just too much history and drama to really make things work out unless you thought it was a mistake that you guys broke up to begin with. However, it appears that there were very legitimate reasons for your break up. Thus, I'd probably let things go and just move on. There are plenty of other non-stalking and non-jealous psycho guys out there.
Never get back together with a man who claims he's changed. Real change is evident and requires no explanation. Every single man I've heard tout the 'But I've changed, baby!' line hasn't changed a hair on his head. Those that do try to rebuild slowly, cautiously, and with the understanding that just bc I let you back into my life does not guarantee you that sacred spot next to me.
And not all exes are created equal either. I have never regretted a break-up beyond that whole 'I really didn't want to hurt you' pain. Most of my exes are now great friends. Does that mean I want to reconcile with any of them in the happy relationship sense? Um, no, to most of them, but there's one, if he continues on the path he's on, I'd be willing to try again. But bc he's changing to make himself a better man, not to get me back.
But that's a whole other ball of relationship wax
My ex, also named Brian, has called me multiple times since I started dating my current boyfriend, each time I think he hopes to either pry me away from my darling, or hope for some sort of booty-call.
None of which he will get. He hurt me by disregarding my feelings and being an inconsiderate ass. Why would I want to go through his misery again?
I am in the process of giving my ex a second chance. We have been apart for 2 yrs and he had my heart the whole time. He came to me 2 weeks ago and confessed he had come to his senses and realized what a special girl he had and is now missing out on.
Can I just say I have never cried more over someone the past 2 weeks?? He makes no sense at all! I mean he told (with help from Mr. Bud Light) me he could see us married one day, then acts like he could care less about seeing me. I had a slight car accident on Mon where someone bumped intot he side of my car...his reply when I HAD TO ASK if he was coming to see me "aww, I'm too tired."
What's a girl to do??
Look at it this way, put yourself into your former situation. Were you happy with him? Did he hurt you then? Chances are that he really hasn't changed all that much and that maybe you will end up hurt again.
If you do decide to give him another chance, proceed with caution!
@pinkLex@xanga - I think if you're getting mixed signals from him, I would proceed with caution. I think you should only get back with him if you truly feel he will be there 100% for you.
@haloed@xanga - What's up with the name Brian? 3 of the guys I dated were named Brian. lol. No one should have to go thru misery a 2nd time around.
A good friend of mine got back together with her ex, and they've been happy ever since. The reason they originally broke up? He was having some illness issues at the time, and it wasn't something they could work through in the context of a relationship. Years later, he got his dietary stuff figured out, they ran into each other, and got back together, and wondered at why they had broken up to begin with.
This situation is NOT that. This is somebody who is clearly somewhat crazy and codependent, and while I'm not against second chances, this is not the kind of behavior that earns you one. "I've missed you" and "I've changed" lines are signs that he's still the same old messed up guy. To earn a second chance, you move on with your life and you don't hope for one.