This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.I don't know how to hit on people. Well, that's not true. Like everyone
else, I've seen movies, TV shows, and even friends do it. And I am
generally good at reading someone, as well as making a conversation
interesting for the other person. So, I know how to do it, I suppose.
However, it's not that easy. I like guys. And being a guy, that
makes things difficult for two reasons.
One: statistics are not in my
favor. The general consensus is that about 5% of the population is gay
(more or less, depending on who you talk to). So, even if I see or meet
a guy and find him attractive, I usually just get pessimistic and
assume that he's straight, and don't bother pursuing anything. Two:
hypothetically, if I were to hit on a guy, and he turned out to be
straight, then I would feel like a jerk. Especially if he was freaked
out or offended, although since I'm a college student, I'm sure that
some people wouldn't take it poorly.
I've had friends that tell me that they can tell when someone is
gay, and sometimes they either point them out to me, or recommend their
friends. But I guess you could say that I'm not interested in the
'obvious' ones. That is to say, someone who is effeminate, which seems
to be why my friends could tell they were gay. I am looking for someone
who is more like a 'guy' guy, who likes guys, if that makes any sense...which is nearly impossible to pick out of a crowd.
Is it more difficult for a gay person to find a date? Is there an
easy way for someone to flirt with someone of the same gender in
public, and are there any general flirting 'tactics' that could be
useful here?
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Comments (23)
hmmm...that's a tough one...well maybe instead of clearly flirting with them, you should just try approaching with small talk and so on. Don't come off too strong to say that you're interested. That way, you won't freak them out if they're straight. I think that if you want one that isn't too effeminate you should really just try approaching them differently instead of directly showing interest.
all I can really say don't come off too strong. If you're interested, but you can't tell right off the bat that they're gay, try to approach them without making them think that you're interested.
you could always try to go clubbing...see if you can meet some people that you're interested. Although I'm not a fan of meeting people in the club 'cause it usually turns into a one night stand, and that's not the right way to start a relationship if any...so, I guess start meeting new people differently. Maybe at parties and other social activities. Just make sure that you get to know them, and they know that you're interested in getting to know them not just get inside their pants. Then again, that's up to you
@XxNoLifeKing_AlucardxX@xanga - agree
@XxHells_GatexX@xanga - jop
Aren't gay men supposed to have great gaydar?
I think that's part of the reason though that online dating has become so popular amongst gay men - you know, going into it, their sexual preference.
@hopelessromantic - Haha. How I wish that was true. I personally have terrible gaydar, and I'm gay. That's why there's always the gay guy and their best girl friend crusing the mall for potential real estate. Honestly, I think (some) women have great gaydar. So I take them around and use them as a compass. But, yes, that's why online dating is popular. It's a sad fact, but its reality.
But, what I did was find some gay friends and hang out with them. Apparently they knew more about finding guys (and girls) than I did. That could be a start for you. Like everyone has been suggesting, social events and parties are the next best thing. I wouldn't bunk online dating though, its a nice alternative when you feel you've tapped an area's resources. (Sorry for all the weird analogies. haha. I couldn't help myself.)
My gaydar is pretty decent...but anyways, I agree with the other people...don't come off too strong. Be more discreet about it.
Dude. Savage Love. You are not alone. And while I'm sure the heteros here mean well, you need experienced advice, and I wouldn't presume to be knowledgeable.
I've always wondered about that one. I'm straight, but it seems like my gay friends always have more dates than I do, and as you point out, the statistics should technically be in my favor. Incidentally, guys I'm attracted to turn out to be gay way more often than seems reasonable.
I do think it's possible to tell when someone is returning your interest without immediately jumping into full-fledged flirtation. I mean, if you check out a guy and he checks you out back, I would assume that's a good sign. Then again, I'm a straight woman, so what do I know?
Ah, the use of "gay-dar". Well, generally, I think the easy (and best) way to flirt is actually not flirting at all. Instead, you should just engage in conversation. Find out some stuff about them and if they seem interesting throughout, just give a number and ask to hang out or something. Seems like a normal kind of situation thing, but it can help you determine better which guy is gay or straight. That's my two cents.
that's why you shouldnt be gay. j/k...or am i? but forreal forreal, i could point them out easy, even the ones that dont act flamboyant. but only one friend i have, i would never guess was gay until he flat out told me. you should hang out with me and i could tell you. lol, sorry i dont give out my identity. if i knew you i would help you. good luck. or go on a dating site for gay people
The gaydar doesn't necessarily work for some people. I'm bi and my gaydar for females is horrible. The easy way is just to approach the person with the intention of small talk and nothing more. One of friends can't do this because he always tells me "What if he isn't gay" and I tell him it wouldn't matter if your only going to talk to the person. Your not going to jump his bones right there so it shouldn't matter if he's gay or not. But sometimes it really hard getting up the nerve to talk to people. I've started random conversations with people numerous times and if you just look at it as nothing but a random conversation without the intention of getting their number (which is what your actually trying to do) then it gets easier. I didn't make any sense did I....?
Wow, that is a toughie indeed...might wanna search for hot gay guys on myspace? o.O Kidding...Umm...why don't you just meet guys around campus where-ever-in-the-world you meet guys and just talk to them; find out if they're gay first and bam. Lol.
You should flirt in public. But make sure the guy is gay first. I've had my share of it and it's kinda weird because I am straight.
Yikes. That's a difficult situation.
I don't think I'm qualified to give advice or even perspectives on this, I'm afraid.
@AGraceB@xanga - Ahaha. Story of my life. All of the good ones are gay, taken, or both.
Well, the obvious thing is to let someone flirt with you first and flirt back. I'm really not good at flirting, mostly because the wrong gender was flirting with me. In any case, I have a girlfriend so I don't flirt much, but if I needed too, I would try to look for signals that the person was at least interested. Eye contact for one thing; try to make eye contact and see if the person keeps eye contact for an extended time, and then go from there. I mean, typical flirting strategies for anyone should apply. There's always the chance for rejection and embarrassment for anyone, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?
I can't hit on guys...I always wait for them to do it haha
Getting hit on
Fuck his brains out
i honestly think women can tell far better than men. but it depends on the self worth of the woman. i suck, but only because i have such low self esteem that i dont THINK men would be attracted to me. with most women, unless the guy is gay, a male sizes up the woman. to see how attractive they are. if theyre gay, their disinterest in sizing them up is obvious, as you tend to get a different vibe. im sure its probably more complicated than that, but i can tell, sort of. a gay guy would talk to me, and feel ... different. if you have a best girl buddy, i suggest you ask her if youre really worried. but subtlety probably works just as well as far as flirting goes.
@XxHells_GatexX@xanga -
Im just going to say , you have a problem even before you start. Your gay yet your looking for someone whos gay but acts straight you dont like effeminate men but someone who is straight acting could be a bottom and take the submissive role in bed and visa versa apparently your young and naieve about what a gay relationship really is, sorry but no hats off to you id be turned off just because someone thinks that way and wants a gay relationship to look like straight buddies to the world but gay as a beanstalk in private.
I feel exactly the way you do; I like a manlier man, and although I am attracted to many men who appear straight, the potential humiliation from flirting with one is horrifying.
However, I am a guy who you could pick out to be gay. I am not necessarily effeminate, but I have good posture and I dress well. Nevertheless, a lot of people claim to know I am gay upon sparking a conversation with me.
Recently at an event I worked, there was an extremely cute, cocky, and outgoing male model type who I assumed was straight ( because I was attracted to him in similar ways I am attracted to straight men). Thus, I avoided him. However, throughout the night he kept coming over to talk to me, asked me for my number and revealed, through persistent flirting, that he was in fact attracted to men and, well, me! And believe me, when a cute guy lets you know they are interested in you it feels AWESOME.
I think my point is this; if you spot someone in a crowd, at work, or anywhere and you are interested make an effort to reach out to them. They may not be gay or single, but these are things you can find out by simply...asking for directions, or the time. If there is a spark, you will see it-but you have to break the ice.
BREAK THE ICE...WHEN IT WORKS IT FEELS AMAZING...and if there is no chemistry, it does not have to be embarrassing.
Maybe you can start by hitting me back