This is a guest blog submitted by melsie.I dated Jeff a few years ago. Jeff's best friend was Lisa, who he swore was ONLY his friend and nothing more. I never caught them in any inappropriate moments, and she was never the "3rd person" in our relationship . . . or at least I didn't think she was.
Lisa's boyfriend, Ryan, was very paranoid and thought Lisa and Jeff were definitely hooking up, so he ended their relationship after only 2 weeks.
Maybe that should've been a concern for me because Ryan had some obvious concerns with it, but I never thought I needed someone to spy on Lisa and Jeff together because I truly thought Jeff was telling the truth.
I even remember a conversation we had:
Me: Can you promise me that if you and Lisa have or develop any sort of romantic feelings for each other, that you'll let me know?
Jeff: Honey, why can't you just trust that we're ONLY friends?
Me: But, if there IS anything going on between you, please don't just string me along. I don't play that game, and I hope you would have enough respect for me to be honest with me.
Jeff: Don't worry...there is no cause for concern.
Here are my questions:
Was I too trusting? If your significant other has a best friend of the opposite sex, it should be a cause for concern? Can guys and girls have best friends of the opposite sex that they are only friends with?
And, last, have you had a really bad experience with your sig. other having a best friend of the opposite sex?
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Comments (76)
Guys and girls can be platonic best friends, but I do believe that eventually they'll cross the boundaries at least once. Curiosity and all.
Curiosity killed the cat. I really think that you had the right to tell him that(conversation) Guys and girls can be friends. They just have to respect each other well. It's up to them as far as how things are gonna end. I don't really believe in best friends anyway, and my closest girl friend would be my gf and a cousin of mine. So no biggy
depends on their relationship. i dated a guy whose "best friend" was his ex -- THAT was a horrible mess on many levels.
however, i have a close guy friend i'd consider a best friend, and it's strictly platonic. in fact, we've joked that the test for any future potential girlfriends of his (he's currently single) is that they have to be cool with the fact that he and i are so close.
I haven't had any problems with it personally (cause I've never had a boyfriend *coughcough*), but one of my best guy friend's girlfriends hated my guts. She was convinced that he was cheating on her with me. It was a horrible situation, to be honest, especially since we were just friends, and made me feel horribly guilty. Ongoing situation, to be honest...
Honestly, if there was a background involved between the two, you just need to make sure they're over with that. It's really had to just say "trust me", but sometimes, as simple as it is, that's all you gotta do. Also, I don't really believe in best friends either. You can have close friends and such, but people can change for whatever reason.
I have a friend who considers me her best friend. People tend to think that we're gonna end up being together or whatever, but honestly, that doesn't even cross my head. I'm fine the way I am and that's it. My future gf wouldn't have to worry about that stuff.
Was I too trusting?"
Depends on your bf and the girl.
"If your significant other has a best friend of the
opposite sex, it should be a cause for concern?"
No. I AM his best friend. But aside from me, he has lots of close female friends, and that's fine. Most of my close friends are men.
"Can guys and girls
have best friends of the opposite sex that they are only friends with? "
YES
"And, last, have you had a really bad experience with your sig. other having a best friend of the opposite sex?"
Nope. I choose my boyfriends wisely enough that I would never date someone who wouldn't be completely honest with me.
Yes, you are right in being concerned. My experience is from having a guy best friend. A lot of my friends question whether or not we have a thing goin' on for each other. I can understand. We're so close, how can we not develop feelings? Well, this used to be true. Past tense. I agree that it does cross your mind at least a few times. I brought it out in the open, and there was a difference in attraction. We talked it out, and respected each other's feelings. So what was potentially awkward, was diffused, and we are back to best friends. And I've never looked back.
You have to know your significant other and judge where they are. Have they ever questioned a romantic possibility with their best friend? If not, then I would say that it is a viable possibility that you shouldn't look away from. If they have, then it's a good sign. Not an absolute, but a pretty good sign.
Well, if getting pregnant by him while she was with me counts, I'd say yes ma'am, there was a slight problem.
So when you and Jeff broke up, did he and Lisa get together? Or was that the reason you guys broke up?
@FallenReign@xanga - OH, that IRKS me SO BADLY when some girl thinks I'm just dying to fall all over her man. I'm like, "Look:
-I've been his friend MUCH longer than you have been dating him. I know much more about him.
-I have my OWN man, thank you very much.
-If I wanted him like that, I'd've spoken up already!
-If he wanted ME like that, HE'd've spoken up already!
-GET OVER YOURSELF. You don't know me, and your assumptions are wrong.
-IF you don't trust him, then why are you with him, anyway?"
I have been distanced from friends precisely because of this effect (though we usually end up close again after they break up) and it has broken my heart each time to lose a friendship over something so STUPID. Honestly, if a girl is stupid enough to be so jealous that she forbids our friendship (even though I'm willing to and want to befriend her as well!), then I don't think she's good enough for any of my friends.
Fortunately, I have some friends who have healthy relationships, and we double-date sometimes. ^_^
@the_last_kiss -
I'm sorry you had to go through this.
It doesn't always have to be like that, I promise.
*hugs*
@nikki__tran@xanga - No, he moved to Canada a few months after we broke up, and we haven't been in touch since. Lisa is married to someone else. And let's not forget Ryan....he came out of the closet last year.
@covet_me@xanga - "
depends on their relationship. i dated a guy whose "best friend" was his ex -- THAT was a horrible mess on many levels."
I'd like to think that, even after my boyfriend and I break up, we'll be able to be friends, without automatically losing the trust of any potential new suitors. Surely, in many people's cases, it's a BAD IDEA, but for us, I think we're both mature enough to handle a friendship if the relationship ever falls apart. The biggest issue here is trust and accountability, and most people don't have enough of either.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - Lol well I didn't get why she got so worked up over it because a) I'm a little over four years younger than him, b) he considered us to be friends half a year before they went out (I say he considered, because I didn't really consider us friends til we started talking), c) she lives with him, and d) I only saw him about three times in the six months that was the worst of her jealously or whatever.
-shrugs- It's whatever. It was/is the first time that it happened, so it was a little surprising. Haha
@FallenReign@xanga - That's kind of intense, if you're living with someone, and yet think that they're cheating on you. When EXACTLY would that be happening? Gah. Oh, well.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - That's what I was like. She really convinced herself that I was gonna get him to cheat on her, though. Ha. I really stressed over it at first, but then he just convinced me to let it drop, so I did. Now it's just kinda sad.
"Can guys and girls have best friends of the opposite sex that they are only friends with?"
Trust me. I'm still battling with that question. Haha
it depends how they are wen ur with ur gf/bf . or even more wen ur not around
It depends on the reliability of the people involved, especially your SO. You can't just generalize that everyone is gonna be the same. There's hope lol I know I wouldn't do that to someone.
@FallenReign@xanga - What, so you're going to tie him down and rape him? Or she's just afraid that he's not that into her, so he'll jump at the chance to tap anything else? I just really hate that mentality in general.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - Yeah, me too. Trust is one of the most important things in any relationship. I don't get why she didn't trust him.
As long he is loyal and committed to you it should be fine. I heard that when a guy is good friends with the opposite sex and attracted to them they may want to have sex with them, but it doesn't mean they are going to act on that impulse. Trust is an important key in a relationship. And if nothing suspicious has happened between Lisa and Jeff then it should be fine.
After my ex and I broke up...one to two weeks later he started dating his girl best friend....that brought up a lot suspicion.
of course people of the opp gender can be friends. To date, I've not had a prob with that tidbit.
of course people can have friends of the opposite sex and not hop into bed with eachother...but lets face it, some people are goats...you just have to decide each case on its own merits and facts...
@FallenReign@xanga - *cough* me too. Actually though, I'm always the one that is allowed to be good friends with guys - and the girlfriends don't care. Some of my guy friends' girlfriends are just easy-going like that and realize it's not an issue and "just friendship" is a possibility, but...
There's this coworker of mine. His girlfriend has had a couple of my other coworkers (of the female sort) on her hate list - mostly for no reason. Jealously, I suppose, but honestly, one was old enough to be the guy's mother and was married and there was just no interest. Yet me, she has no problem with. Even if we're in a swimming pool together at a client. Even if I sit on his lap after he steals my chair at a work party. (Not that I'm attracted to him at all, I'm just trying to make the point that if she hated anyone, it would make more sense for her to hate me.)
Apparently I'm just not a threat. I enjoy that.