This is a guest blog submitted by sahar. I had a friend, Caitlin, recently ask me advice on a sticky situation she had got herself into. Here's her story:
A
little over a year ago she met this guy, James, that she was
immediately attracted to. They started to become really good friends,
so Caitlin held off on telling him her true feelings until the right
time. Unfortunately, James developed a crush on one of her
girlfriends, Susie. He began to confide his feelings for this girl to Caitlin, and it became increasingly difficult for her to sit there
listening to someone who she had feelings for discuss his feelings for
one of her best friends.
Out of curiosity, Caitlin decided to
tell Susie that James had feelings for her, but Susie said that she wasn't
interested at all. All of a sudden, though, Susie decided she
was interested...and so began the James and Susie relationship while Caitlin sat on the
sidelines. She had decided that James was happy, so she wasn't going
to intrude.
A year later, James and Susie are still together and Caitlin still has lingering feelings for James. The problem is, she's no
longer best friends with Susie but best friends with James, so now
he's always around and she just can't seem to get over him.
She
doesn't want to ruin her friendship with James or destroy his
relationship with Susie, but she just can't stand on the sidelines
anymore.
What should she do? Have you ever sat on the sidelines while your friends fell in love?
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Comments (35)
I've never really been in this situation before but I think if it were me, I would try to spend as much time as I can away from James. Start a new hobby, meet other people, something! It's time to start getting over him.
No one deserves to be on the sidelines.
This is a tough one because Caitlin is best friends with a guy she likes, but he does not know that fact. If she wants everything to stay the way it is, then she has to be on the sidelines. If she wants to actually go further with her friendship with James, then she ought to tell him, but know this: several people are no longer the best of friends after a broken romantic relationship (because of the awkwardness that may result).
Caitlin, you can't have everything the way you like it. Stand up for a cause, and if you fail, learn from it.
In all honesty, it's kind of too late. You snooze, you lose. sounds harsh, but it's true. She should've made her move earlier, before he was seeing Suzie, because if she was afraid to risk their friendship earlier, now it's going to be REALLY risky. And I bet they all have friends in common, and if she breaks him and Suzie up, she may make a lot of enemies.
hey, it's the guy who decides, right?
Not to be harsh but I agree with hopelessromantic.
I've been there. In nearly the same situation... only the girl was an aquaintance in my group of friends, not my personal good friend. And I let my feelings get the best of me and inadvertantly broke them up by flirting with him until he developed feelings for me.
We dated for a long time. I felt like it was worth it. But looking back... it wasn't. Even though I wasn't close with the girl, I regret hurting her like that. It was selfish of me, and that's never a word I wanted to use to describe myself. On top of that, I gained a reputation that only made my life miserable for a year or so, since we ran in the same group of friends. Bad idea to interfere. What's meant to be will happen. Give it time.
Besides, they say you're never supposed to date someone who broke up with someone else for you. They might do the same thing to you one day.
being a benchwarmer only gets you splinters in your behind, while forcing your way onto the playing field can get you hauled off by security.
i won't say which way she should go (since i'm not close to the situation), but yeah...sucks to be her.
she needs to let him go and move on with her life. just because Susie wasn't that good of a friend (or did susie know of her feelings) doesn't mean she should be a bad friend and get in the way of Susie and James
To all the people who sit on the sidelines:
Keep sitting there, there's a reason things turned out the way they did.
I was always a believer of brutal honesty, so when my friend and my other closest friend who I crushed on got together, I told him I also liked him, knowing that he does have some feeling for me. A month later, she dumped him, and he started going out with me. I had worries about being the rebound chick, but months went by, and suddenly we were celebrating our one year anniversary.
I mean, you can't be someone's rebound chick for a year, can you?
One year, 5 months and 2 days have passed...he dumped me on the phone and later I found out he was still in love with his ex [who by then was in a happy relationship and engaged!]
It didn't matter to him.
He loved her, and I was just a substitute as he said it.
I'm not saying shut your mouth and never reveal your feelings, but sometimes, it's just better not to.
My advice is, try staying away from James...if he asks why, just tell him you have to be happy, and you can't be happy with seeing them like that. Either your friendship will weaken or he'll realize he might like you.
maybe you can give yourself some space to regain yourself then if things don't work out for james and susie...you will still have a chance...don't homewreck.
@beachblondie711@xanga -
'Besides, they say you're never supposed to
date someone who broke up with someone else for you. They might do the
same thing to you one day.'
I soo agree on that.
And karma will hit all of us in the face, when we least expect it.
Cait really shot herself in the foot here. Honestly, if I was in her position, I would be considering whether the friendship with James is worth the pain of knowing he would never be mine.
I mean really, we're all young, friends are friends, they come and go, and if she isn't close to Susie a year later, then it's quite possible she won't be so close to James in a year. So just tell him, destroy the friendship, and move on. The worst situation is they stop being friends, the best (though unlikely) situation is James likes her too.
If she really loves him, she will wish for all the best for him. If he really loves susie, she should just let him go... unless she's certain he's got feelings for her. Sometimes, it's not right to let our emotions get into the way.
I believe it is a little too late. She should have said something in the beginning and if she and Susie were best friends, did Susie not know Caitlin's feelings? As best friends, isn't that usually something that they share? Also, she told Susie that James liked her, the thought that they might get together should have crossed her mind. I mean it sucks, but we all choose to make decisions and she chose to not say anything. I don't think she should say anything if she values the friendship. It could make things awkward.
one word. DRAMA!
if you didn't have the nerve to say anything while you had the chance, then you should just resolve your feelings on your own and move on. even if that means cutting him off.
either that, or just take a shot at it and risk all hell breaking loose. personally, i wouldn't do it, but i've seen others do it. for every one that failed, there was one success. so the odds aren't bad even thought the fallout is messy. it's just a matter of whether or not you think he's worth it.
i was in this exact situation... so i've been there, done all that... but i was 15 years old. it was emotionally messy and painful for me, because i chose to say nothing. those two have now been married for about 5 years and i'm perfectly happy with not having to interact with either of them. there was never a major falling out, but over time, that situation showed me that her friendship isn't worth the effort to keep, and his friendship was easily quashed because he's so enamoured with her that she calls all the shots. after about a year of being snubbed and treated like dirt, i walked away from them both.
so if i don't think the guy is worth the effort of saying something, why would i have regrets about the outcome of my decision (i.e. when he chooses someone else)? seriously... if he wasn't worth the effort of just discussing the possibility, he's certainly not worth the effort of trying for it.
Ahh... the reason girls should step up. Sometimes you girls dont give show there feelings or dont speak up about them, so they miss out. Her bad.... hey life goes on.
Maybe she should pull away from him, but he at least deserves an explanation as to why she's pulling away. If they're best friends, he'll be confused and hurt by her spending less time with him.
This might be a bold move, but maybe she should explain to him that she is too in love with him to be his friend and that's why she plans to ditch the friendship. If he doesn't pursue her, she should definitely move on.
She made a mistake. She introduced her friends to him and gave him more options. She should have made the move, take the risk.
there are only two options 1) she missed her boat so suck it up and be the best friend she can for him, be there for him since he's happy. 2) tell him, risk it all, but at least come clean so she doesn't have to keep wandering "what if" and regret it every day for the rest of her life.
If it was me though, I'd just go with option 1. She had her chance but she was "waiting" for the "right" time. When is the right time if not the time she feel it the most for him? Plus why is she so selfish? Can't she see that James is happy? IF she's truely his friend and wants him to be happy, she should just suck it up and be there for him in a PLATONIC way possible. Hypothetically, if C told James of her feelings earlier and he didn't reciprocate, would C agree to his friend all this time? hmm?
This is so hard. I've been a Susie. It went badly, that's all I can say. How would I handle it differently? I have no idea. I like to think that I, myself, get over people when it becomes clear to me that things aren't going to go my way. I didn't do that really until after I'd been through a few relationships, though. Maybe some of it is inexperience. That was what it was for me, back when I crushed on people and didn't tell them.
I guess I would say this: the Caitlins out there need to be honest about their feelings, or they'll never get a chance, somebody else will take it. Yes this means risking rejection, but that's the risk we all take. As for the "right time" for things, I think you have to make them. Life isn't a movie. I think people say that more when they're afraid, not because the right moment hasn't arrived yet.
I'm a firm believer in "out of sight, out of mind".
I know it's much easier said than done, but at this point I agree with the others who also believe that she should've taken her chance when she had it.
While I fully understand why people are friends before being in a relationship, I'm someone who tends to be better off at having the person I like be an aquaintance I can hang out with and get to know but no more than that.
That way if complications because of any lingering feelings arise on my side or his, it won't be so bad to part ways with someone I wasn't too close in the first place. And if it works out, then I have someone new to date =]
Either way this sucks because if she did tell the guy how she feels then she runs the risk of either 1) screwing up her friendship or 2) messing up someone else's relationship.
Sorry mate =[
@hopelessromantic - I agree with you in this situation. To some people, this may seem harsh, but oh well. Caitlyn had her chance but missed out, and if she tries to break them up, she is just going to make her best friend upset. I know that Caitlyn wants to be happy, but she needs to realize that this isn't all about her, it's about her friend James, who is currently in a happy relationship.
I've never been in this kind of situation before but I know this guy who still has feelings for a girl he dated 8 years ago even though they both have SOs now. I actually feel sorry for his gf who has no idea about this, while everyone in his group of friends knows.
I say that your friend should just move on, no matter how hard it is. I really don't think there's a win-win situation here.
"She doesn't want to ruin her friendship with James or destroy his relationship with Susie...."
then don't, simple.
I've never been on the sidelines though when I first me my crush, I thought she liked a good friend of mine. He actually reassured me that he didn't, and it was true. She liked me. As far as what Caitlin should do, I'd take a break from James. Doesn't mean she'll stop being friends with him forever, but it's better that she gives herself some time.