Tuesday, 05 August 2008
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Featured Comment: Meeting His Boyfriend...
Here's Silver__Samurai@xanga's response to sleepyhead's post about having a friend unexpectedly come out at a party:
You and your friends, as well as your friend who showed up with an unexpected boyfriend, were hurt, and (unintentionally) hurt each other.
Back when high school was ending, I was getting to the point where I could tell a few of my friends that I was gay. It was so hard, and if my best friend hadn't guessed it first, then I may never have gotten the guts to do it. Because I had built up preconceptions about how negatively my friends might react. (Of course, looking back on it, I should have known they wouldn't have.)
However, I hadn't told two of my closest friends, because they were pretty religious, and I had debated with them about the moral implications of homosexuality a couple of times before. Of course, they didn't know about me then. Also, my family was out of the loop. I was trying to wait until college, when I had my own dorm room to hide in in case one of my parents flipped their lid.
But, after I posted "I am gay" on my Xanga, my two friends and my parents (thanks to my snooping sister) found out. And what were they mad about: me not telling them personally that I'm gay.
So, I was afraid that they would betray or disown our friendship/familial relationship by coming out to them. They, however, felt that I had betrayed it first, by not trusting them and being honest with them. And, both sides are valid here, that's for sure.
However, I'd like to lay this out here: the fact that someone coming to terms with their sexuality is a scary, confusing and insecure time. It's not like they've been purposefully and selectively keeping something from you your entire life. And it's only being hidden because they are convinced, sometimes rightly so, that they will be hurt if they open up, and expose themselves.
Still, it is true that if you had known your friend for so long, that it seems that he may have not trusted you with his secret. I know that must have been hurtful. But, it's possible that he didn't know the truth about himself until very recently; he may have just been oblivious, in denial or confused about liking guys. Or, he likes guys and girls, and you just happened to see him with only the latter.
The best thing to do in this situation, is to talk to him face-to-face, and explain that, while you know that he was scared about being hurt, he in turn hurt you somewhat by not telling you about him and his boyfriend. And explain that you aren't valuing your pain over his fear, but, rather, that you should both be understanding, apologetic, and be willing to move on past this as friends.
And, it may be wise for him to write an email to the rest of your friends at the party, telling them that he was sorry, while explaining the reasoning behind why he was too afraid to tell anyone about it.
Hopefully, everyone can and will be understanding, and realize that no one wanted to hurt anyone here, and that the only thing that's changed is that you all know one more thing about your friend, and nothing more.
Have you ever had a friend come out to you (or have you ever come out to a friend)? How did it go?
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Comments (23)
A friend of mine came out to me recently, and it really wasn't a big deal. I suppose you might call me naively progressive, but I don't even see how this is an issue. It was more of a heads-up, on his part, which I appreciated, but it really didn't change anything except that he was more comfortable with himself, so obviously, I was happy for him.
I still don't agree that this friend HAD to warn anyone. I mean, is it really necessary to make some big dramatic thing out of telling people? What's wrong with just introducing them to your SO?? I don't get it.
But maybe it's just me. And people are entitled to their reactions.
Even through high school, any gay people I knew were either openly gay, or I could tell right away (and they told me a few months later when we got close).
Everything in that comment is absolutely true, but personally, the people I like best are the people who will find out who they are, and aren't afraid to admit it, even in the face of persecution.
@Halfy79@xanga - Usually, if you start dating someone, you do tell your friends about him/her before you introduce him/her to your friends, yes? Like, "Oh, hey, I'm in a new relationship now with this guy John who's super sweet." I think that's as much the betrayal as the not-mentioning-homosexuality.
But generally, while in an ideal society no one would care, in today's society, it is important. Just springing something like that on someone like above is probably not the best way, simply because so many people have negative perceptions of homosexuality. Furthermore, it actually has real implications for your life if you're gay - what if your friends see that you're alone and try to set you up with people of the opposite gender? Shouldn't your friends understand and help you through the struggle of choosing a mate from the much smaller homosexual pool? There are unique issues that arise with homosexuality (many of which would arise even in a completely tolerant society), so while it shouldn't be that big of a deal, you should let your friends know.
Plus, it's kind of like not telling them what religion you follow or that you're secretly a hardcore republican. It's a major part of yourself and your life, and your close friends should know about it, because the assumption is (which most closeted people have allowed to continue) that people are straight unless they say otherwise. And that's a pretty fair assumption - most people are straight, and it's kind of silly to *assume* something about someone else's sexuality unless they talk to you about it.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - As always, I agree with you. I think the issue at hand would have received a much different response had the friend not been gay. More people would have felt betrayed by the lack of trust and communication with their friend.
To answer, I have many gay friends who have come out in different ways. One time I saw a hickey on my friend's neck when she got back from an all-girls road trip. We weren't clueless, and she knew the secret was out. We all knew anyway! It simply felt like she was letting us know all of her, the real her for the first time.
Another time in college a drunken friend let it slip that he was gay. He immediately panicked and worried I would think less of him. He quickly realized that I loved him regardless of who he loved, and we have been much closer ever since.
It's like la_faerie_joyeuse says, it's a big part of you. If you hide it from your friends, it stands between you. I think friends would be more accepting than anticipated if people would be honest with them and open up.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - While I agree with some of your points (I'm completely against setting people up in general) a part of me thinks that the friend did the best thing by springing this whole thing on his friends. Because really it was the best way to get an honest reaction from them.
I just canNOT agree with how his friends ignored him at all. It's childish and I stand my ground on that. Granted, I don't always react the way I should in certain situations (I can have my childish moments, too) but it doesn't mean that I don't have an idea about how I SHOULD react.
A friend of mine once told me she was gay by telling me she liked me. @_@
A close friend of mine finally admitted that he was bisexual, but more homosexual than anything. He sprung this conversation on me through an IM. He said he had something that he had been wanting to tell me for some time, but wasn't sure how, since so many people reacted negatively. He also said he wasn't worried about me reacting in such way and he finally told me.
The thing is I already had suspicions, I just figured when he was ready that he would tell me. So when he told me I simply said DUH! Then he was curious as to how I knew, but we're still the same crazy friends we were before.
I'm queer, or to be more specific - gender blind. I see people - not men and women, so gender/sex doesn't play a role in who I date. I came out to my friends and family about 2.5 - 3 years ago (mid junior year of high school). My friends took it fine. They didn't care. Some of them knew already, some of them were surprised as hell, but none of them abandoned me.
And soon after I came out to my friends, about half of them came out to me - which I totally didn't expect. I was a little annoyed that I felt I could trust them enough to come out to them, but that they didn't feel like they trusted me enough to come out to me until afterwards, but it's not that big of a deal, and I got over it pretty quickly.
My parents and family in general were the exact opposite for the most part. My mom said she wanted me to go into counseling, which I was cool with because most psychologists/psychiatrists/therapists/whatever are pretty unbiased (and I was doing it more for her peace of mind than my own). She just didn't tell me the psychologist she had me see was a nun. A nun psychologist. Yes. They exist. I didn't know it when I was there, but all the pictures of Jesus and crucifixes kind of gave it away, so I told my mom I wanted to see a different person. The counselor I see now is amazing and has helped my family become more comfortable about the whole queer thing. They're still not 100% okay with it (we still fight every so often about it) but they're getting there.
@Halfy79@xanga - If we didn't live in a heterosexist society, then it wouldn't have been a big deal. His friends might've been annoyed that he didn't tell them he was dating someone new, but they wouldn't have been upset about him being gay.
Unfortunately, we do live in a heterosexist society. So people who aren't straight have to specify what their sexual orientation is and people have to make a big deal about it. Which shouldn't be the case.
And I agree with you - his friends shouldn't have ignored him because of it. They should've just said, "Dude! Why didn't you tell us you're gay?" instead of giving him the silent treatment. Nothing will get resolved if everyone refuses to talk to each other.
@Halfy79@xanga - You're right that the friends acted really childishly. But I think the guy did, too. Honestly, if ANY of my friends, gay or straight, didn't tell me they were in a new relationship before I got to meet the SO, I'd be really pissed. My close friends and I discuss basically everything that's going on in our lives - and I generally want to know if they're romantically involved. That alone was worth the friends being upset.
@TheAngryQueerFeminist@xanga - When the majority of people are straight, it makes sense to assume that someone is straight unless they say or act otherwise. It's kind of like any other cultural or biological majority (religion, for instance). I agree that sexuality shouldn't be a big deal - you are what you are - but there's nothing wrong with assuming heterosexuality, since something like 90% of the population is straight.
And that's, uh, quite some xanga name you have there. What was your inspiration for that?
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - In my opinion, making assumptions isn't the best thing to do.
No wait, scratch that.
Making assumptions and believing your assumptions are right isn't the best thing to do. So assuming someone is straight (when they aren't) and trying to set them up on a date with the opposite sex or something makes for an awkward situation that could've been avoided had the person not been so confident in his/her assumptions. However, assuming that someone's straight but allowing room for doubt ("well, he/she seems straight. But I don't know him/her that well so he/she COULD be gay. I guess I'll just wait until the subject of relationships comes up and see what he/she says.") is okay because it doesn't create any problems (at least, none that I can think of). I make assumptions all the time, but I don't believe any of them until someone says or does something to confirm them.
And the inspiration for my xanga name? Um, it's pretty straightforward - I'm a feminist, and I'm queer. I'm not actually angry. I just find it really funny when people rant about angry, man-hating, bra-burning feminists. Because when a feminist gets angry, it's not because she angry at the world and hates everyone. It's because she's passionate about her beliefs and she wants to change the phallocentric society that we live in. I'm a pretty passionate person, so when something offends me (which, actually, isn't that often) I tend to get out my xanga soap box and go off about it. In other words, I'm just being blunt so people have an idea of what to expect when they read my blog.
I had plenty who came out to me. I gave 'em advice if they needed it. I respected and accepted them for who they were no matter what. It's their choice, and their life. I honestly don't expect for my gay/lesbian friends to come out or tell me anything. If I had been in that situation(referring back to the original post about this), I think I would have just confronted him. I wouldn't have been belligerent, but I would have reassured him that he could have come to me and talk about it.
i guess my point is...why is everyone so eager to feel "betrayed"? my close friends should allow me to share what i wish with them on my timetable, not theirs...i think if one is hurt and "betrayed" because some friend takes his time to share aspects of his life with one...well, one needs to grow up...life is just too short to get so upset by the little things and i consider it a very little thing for my friends to decide that they will tell me more about themselves on their own time schedule...
@TheAngryQueerFeminist@xanga - I definitely (would like to) think that all of my assumptions fall under that latter category - I'm not going to act on any of them until I receive confirmation.
In this case, though, how could relationships have never come up between the guy and his friends? Generally, the topic of relationships/sexual orientation comes up fairly early in most of my friendships, and if I really felt like someone was specifically avoiding that point, I'd be upset.
I guess I found your name amusing because I go to a women's college in the heart of the bible belt, so there are a lot of queer feminists here who have been made angry by the prejudices of the South. I can't say I agree with them (or probably you) on the feminism part, but it's still interesting to meet other people outside of my college circle who hold similar beliefs (since I, too, grew up in Georgia, I hadn't met many hardcore feminists before college, and then I got quite more than I expected!)
I like that you give people an idea of what to expect. It seems fitting - I wish more people would do that, actually... like on the site banner "CHRISTIAN EXTREMIST: IMPERVIOUS TO REASON" or "HARDCORE ENVIRONMENTALIST". It would be both amusing and time-saving.
I kind of mentioned this in my response to the last post, but I when my roommate did it to me, I was really offended. You might think that your friends/family will respond negatively, but you really aren't giving them the chance to respond positively (or at all!!) if you don't even tell them. I think in most situations the shock of 1. I'm gay 2. I have an SO 3. He's standing right here!!! all at the same time is just more shock than a lot of people can handle without being completely awkward about it (I myself am one of those people). I need to process the information and form some kind of response before you put me in a situation like that.
Fear is understandable. But if we are close friends and truly care about each other (as we should), then our relationship should be strong enough to handle it. Personally, I felt that I'd been lied to, and my trust betrayed, especially when I found out just how long she'd waited before telling me. Please face your fears and give your close friends and family (especially them!!) the benefit of the doubt.
I was a bit behind so I went back to read the post that the author was responding to.
Anyways I can see that while they feel a bit betrayed for their friend not telling them himself that he was gay, I felt like their collective reaction just confirmed what he was scared about.ÂSo far the people who I've known that have come out, I kind of already had a feeling that they were gay so I wasn't surprised. In freshman year of high school though I was upset when my one guy friend came out because I had a huge crush on him and I just didn't see it coming.
I believe that sexuality is something that is yours to share. It's no one else's business to know. Why, then, would anyone feel "betrayed" or untrusted when, in fact, the friend is simply exercising his right to keep his private life just that -- private? It's great that he was compelled to share his sexuality with his friends, to let them know another key aspect of who he is, but that was his own decision to make. Deciding to wait until the night of a party to share something so intensely personal with his friends says nothing about his trust in his friends.
I certainly have empathy for the friends at the party; it must have felt like their friend had betrayed them by not trusting them with a secret. This reaction is really quite normal. However, the fact remains that the friend did not betray them, that he did not distrust them. The gay friend has every right to keep his own concerns to himself.
I agree that the gay friend should have alerted somebody at the party that he was bringing a boyfriend, not a girlfriend. This would have been the more sensitive, more tactful thing to do. But it is not his duty to do this, and I am not convinced at all that this would have made the slightest difference in the minds of his friends. Judging by how even after the party ended the friends refused to return the gay friend's phone calls, it's not so hard to see that the gay friend would have been in the same predicament, with or without warning the others. The shock of suddenly discovering that a long-time friend is gay and has a boyfriend would have worn off by the end of the party. I find their continued shunning of their friend because of his sexuality indicative of their likely response had they received warning of their friend's date's gender.
Certainly all parties involved have erred in some way here. But when you really break it down, the friends have nothing but insensitivity, immaturity, and ignorance to blame for their actions.
The gay part didn't surprise me, I was pretty sure he was gay when we'd met a few years back. What bothered me was how he'd carry on about how hot my brother was and this that and the other. I don't want to hear that from ANYONE, male or female...
My best friend is gay. We had a fight (before he came out) and we basically didn't talk for two months. He told me he was gay one night, and I told him my problems with my boyfriend, and we became friends again. In a way, it strengthened our friendship because he was open with me.
I just didn't like that he was hiding it from me for like months, and ditched me all the time for his [now ex] boyfriend, but he wouldn't tell me then.
In my case, I'm the bisexual one, and most people don't believe me - they are under the impression that bisexuality is a "fad" or doesn't exist. It's very disrespectful of my feelings. I don't hold it against them, because society today is fed a lot of lies about homosexuality, but it's tiresome trying to educate people on it. For this reason, I find it easier not to tell people unless it comes up in conversation.
Yes, as I mentioned in the other xanga post that I had my best friend Ryan come out. I was the first person he told and that made me feel very special.
It actually went very well. We were by ourselves at a park and he just came out and said it. I wasn't weirded out or anything. I was a bit taken back that that was what he had been wanting to tell me - me figuring it had been something else. But I am glad he told me, and I am glad I was the first one to know.
You just have to remember if you're good friends, if it's someone you love, then more often than not...there is not going to be a negative response. Family and loved ones and friends will love you no matter what.