This is a guest blog submitted by sahar.If there's one clichéd statement that brings the same frown on everyone's face, it's the dreaded long-distance relationship.
Whether they're four hours or four thousand miles away, the overall conclusion is that they suck.
I was with a guy who moved to California after only two months of our pseudo-relationship. We were still in the
"honeymoon" period
of the relationship, so we decided to test the waters and see if we
could survive the 3,000 mile distance. I don't know what we were
thinking - we were young and we both knew that there was no way the
relationship could last forever. At that time, though, it was comforting to know that he was mine.
The first couple weeks of our distance were excruciatingly painful. He called me every day, he wrote me e-mails and sent me
presents in the mail. I saved up for months to fly across the country to L.A. (as much as I
hated it) just to be with him. After a couple of months, I became
accustomed to his not being around, he stopped calling as much and the
presents and love letters died down. It was almost as if we weren't in
a relationship at all.
Well, four months turned into eight
months and eventually, we were only in a relationship for the sake of
saying that we were. We only saw each other over breaks when he would
come back to New York and I stopped flying to California. After almost a
year of surviving the three hour time difference, he broke up with me
because he found someone else.
It was the oddest break-up of
my entire life - there were no tears or questions. It was actually
liberating to be released from an obviously unhealthy relationship.
Can long-distance relationships work? Have you
ever been in a long-distance relationship, and if so, how did it work
out for you?
Comments (287)
@TiRocKiinPiinK@xanga - Congrats on making it work. It's good to hear a success story!
I just started in a long distance relationship. We're 4 hours apart and we also have a lot of the same friends, so it's not the worst situation. We see each other once or twice a month, but I always wish I had more time with him.
I was in a long distance relationship for 4 years, and it worked. We were both committed to doing everything we could to make it work. I would write notes to him in class as if he were there and send them to him. I got some of his friends to write notes from me on his classroom whiteboard so when he walked in, he would see it. We did little things like that. Those little things meant the world, and kept us going. We broke up because of religious belief differences, but remained great friends after. Yeah, it sucked not being able to be with him, but he was worth it!
I was in one my freshman and half of my sophomore year of college, and I'm pretty sure it would have worked if there hadn't been distance even when we were physically together. It wasn't a huge distance, I was in North Jersey and he was in Delaware at school, so it was very manageable for us to go visit each other. Only, I noticed I was doing most of the visiting. Then, even on breaks when we lived literally 2 minutes away from each other, I still only would see him a couple times a week, because he was too busy to spend time with me. And even when we were together, he'd spend a lot of time ignoring me. Then he was completely surprised when I left him for someone who was actually interested in paying attention to me. It certainly wasn't the distance in miles that was the problem with that relationship.
I was in a LDR for about 11 months. It took so much effort on both ends that whenever we had time we talked to each other. We did agree on this at first - we both saw that extra time was needed to devote to the relationship. Problems started happening when one couldn't fit the others talk schedule and were seen as "not devoted". For me, the guy thought I was inconsiderate that I couldn't take a half hour break from studying (even with my exam the next day) to talk to him while he always took breaks to talk to me. I lost so much sleep cause we would end up fighting about it till really early in the morning. Even though he did visit every month, it was like we were always rushing to make up for the lost time. Soon enough, I got sick of him. I didn't want to always be in contact with him 24 hours a day. When we finally broke up, it was such relief. I could finally study on my own time, go out on my own time and even sleep on my own time. :)
I know it wasn't a smart idea on my side. He had always suspected me of being unloyal and wouldn't allow me to talk to other guys or when I did - said I had to report to him. As a result, he became very controlling of the relationship. Consequently, it ended. Thank goodness.
long distance has never worked for me... and I have done it multiple times (although not willingly!). somehow my ex boyfriends always felt a need to move or go to college or be deployed....men!
Now, my fiancee is from England and so we are apart right now. I think the main difference with that is that there is a committment involved and we are actively finding ways to be together soon. There is no wondering "will it last? will he move or will i?" Because we already decided those things and we just have to sit it out in the meantime!
it really depends on if the relationship is worth it. Early on, probably not, but if you've "invested" a lot in the relationship, it's worth trying.
I went through a similar thing that you went through. I was from Massachusetts and he from California. At first it was all very sweet with all of it but in the end not seeing each other really killed our relationship. He got new friends who influenced him to do some things I did not like, and I just became a voice over the phone. After the first month of college we broke it off, I was sad but later on I saw that our relationship was going nowhere fast. Although my long distance relationship failed, I have seen others that worked.
Here's my theory: There can be barely no time zone difference, you have to live at the most four-five hours by car away from each other and make a commitment to see each other atleast once or twice a month. After a year or so, move closer to each other and start making a true commitment. One of my friends from MA had a boyfirend from NY, four hours from each other. He later moved to Connecticut and she moved west of MA, making it two hours distance. And now she's going to school down there and they are 15 mins. apart, they have been together for almost three years.
I was in an LDR for a year and a half with my boyfriend that I met through work. We decided to call it quits when he moved from Phoenix to Anchorage, but after a few weeks of talking on the phone as regularly as we did when we were together and a trip to see him over Thanksgiving, we decided to give it a real shot. Our relationship lasted throughout the entire time he lived in Alaska, but when he moved to Seattle, I braced myself for the inevitable onslaught of women that he'd meet through work and the nightlife scene.
He made friends with a cute coworker and began going on outings with her throughout the city. I wasn't comfortable with that because he was establishing a pseudo-relationship with her while he was allegedly committed to me. We broke up shortly after our last visit together in Phoenix and it was horrible.
The worst part is that I integrated myself into his network of friends and whenever his name came up, there was a long pause of awkwardness while our friends tried to suss out whether or not I was comfortable with discussing how things ended between David and me.
When I was younger, I used to say that I should date a military man, or someone whose job takes him away from me for a few months at a time - enough to let my heart grow fond of missing him and then allowing us to reconnect in the same city for weeks or months at a time.
I always liked the idea of being able to visit someone in another town/state/country, but the day to day stuff, the good mornings and "can you pick up milk on the way home"s are the things that I love most about being with someone.
Would you get back together if he were to move home?
ive been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and hes in the army. he left for a whole year and that was pretty much the hardest experience of my life. im more for the emotional connection perspective of the relationship rather than physical.
i think it just depends on the mentality of the significant other and you. me and my boyfriend took everyday for what it was worth.. i waited for his calls and letters and he waited for mine. you may not realize it but its really not as tough as young people really think it is. yeah you may run into other people that you may want to be with more than that person you are with but just remember to think about the fact that emotion can be transferred just because you never get to see them. emotion towards someone can never be completely broken just transferred from one person to another.
it just depends on the dedication on both of your parts and the stage you are in in the relationship... fairly new relationships typically dont ever work out.
I was in one for two and a half years...but he was only an hour and a half away...it wasn't that bad. He was away for school, and we had mutual friends, so after me visiting them up there...we met, me talked...*click*. I think they're entirely possible...as long as you're BOTH down for it. We both gave our best...what ended it wasn't the distance.
Would I do long-distance again though? Ugh...only if the guy were Christian Bale. HAH.
Long Distance relationships are a lot like my father, they rarely work. Ive already broken up with 2 of my SOs because of long distance, and I refuse to end up in another relationship like that. Prior to becoming long distance, we had no problems, and always seemed to work things out, but once we moved away, only problems came of it. Eventually we just forgot each other, and had no time for each other.
First of all, I'd like to encourage those of you who say long distance NEVER works to refrain from those type of blanket comments until you have tried it. If you have tried it and it still didn't work, then you can say that it didn't work for you.
I have a unique story. I met my bf in college, we became friends, and started dating in November '05, about 3 months after we met. We dated for 6 months in the same place until I graduated (the following May '06). He stayed in college for the summer, but it was only 3 hours away, so it wasn't a huge difference. He graduated in August and moved 1500 miles away from where I was working (this was in the works about 2 months into our relationship, long before we could even think about making decisions based on the other person).
Fast forward to November '06... things were just not going well. We tried very hard to make it work, but I was clingy and he wasn't giving me enough of himself. So we broke up. Didn't talk for more than a year (my doing) so that I could heal.
A year later in December '07, a freak chance put us in the same airport at the same time. (Talk about Serendipity!) We started dating again the following February '08. He is still 1500 miles away. But we are making it work, and it has been so good. We talk almost daily, we set up a video chat date night (yes, it's a nerdy thing to do), and we are almost continually re-evaluating our relationship to make sure things are on the same page. It sucks only getting to physically hang out once a month, but it has been working well for the past 6 months, and I hope it continues to go this well. You can't go into it expecting it to fail, because it's not hard to meet that expectation. If you don't care enough to put in the effort to get to know a different side of the other person, then perhaps you're right... long distance is not for you.
All I'm saying is, it's a LOT of hard work and patience and forgiveness and grace. Some days suck. Others are great. That's life. It can work if you want it to. I want this to work, so I'm making an effort to make it work. I love him very much, and it's worth the effort. Every stamp on every card, every dollar of every expensive plane flight, every minute of sleep I miss staying up talking on the phone... so worth it.
my relationship with my boyfriend has been long distance 4 out of the 5 years we've been together. the last year we moved in together, but it's long distance again since he graduated from college is now in the air force. it's tough but amazingly we've made it work.
I was naive when I first encountered the internet, and I did become involved in an online, long distance relationship; which proved to be a big disaster, and was the silliest thing I did.
It's merely a pen-pal syndrom with a romantic twist; and more often than not, the person is married, looking for something, due to boredom, or perhaps a more dangerous situation.
My situation almost lead me into a legal problem; as this man was setting me up so it would appear their van was stolen ... by me.
His daughter confessed the entire scheme to me over the phone one night; he had kicked her out of the house, and she knew he was also using her mother to do things.
My own lonliness and stupidity nearly cost me plenty, so I made arrangements to return home.
Prior to my leaving, I did go into his file cabinet ( I know this wasn't correct ) and there were revelations I couldn't believe.
He and his wife had defrauded a vending company , won a court case which made his younger daughter quite in the money; and managed to get all sorts of benefits he wasn't entitled to.
He just needed a woman to front for him ..
You never know who is at the other side of the monitor .. so beware.
Currently, I'm in one and it's actually working out so far. We see each other when we can and he flies in to Chicago on occasion to see me but I'm able to drive down to Arkansas to see him now. It'll actually be a year in a few days. It's mostly working out because we've known each other for a couple of years and have built a lot of trust between each other.
difficult, but not impossible.
i dont know why, but i have a panache for running into LDRs. I've been in three of them!
it doesn't work if you're young i think because you need that time to be free and explore. plus you're just not mature enough to know what it means to undertake in a relationship that doesn't have physical proximity, which is what most people relate to being a relationship
I was in a temporarily long-distance relationship for about 4 months. It was pretty awful, but I managed through because I was terribly busy with school.
He's moving away again in Jan, this time, for who knows how long.
I think that might be the death toll for our relationship.
I haven't been in a long distance relationship, and I don't think I ever will be. It's hard enough to keep in touch with my friends back home while I'm away at college - let alone hold up a relationship with a SO.
One of my friends is in a long distance relationship. She met the guy online (I don't know how). She lives in Ohio, he lives in North Carolina. They've been together for I think 3 years or so, and they've met once. Neither of them have a lot of money, so they can't afford to visit each other. They talk to each other every single night for an hour or two, no matter what, so they're making it work. My only complaint is that even when she's hanging out with me and our other friends, she doesn't miss her ridiculously long phone call with him in the evening. I understand that they don't get to see each other at all, but I see her every once in a while and don't talk to her every single day. So when I do hang out with her, I would like her attention to be focused on the people in the room. Not on her boyfriend. I wouldn't mind if it was a fifteen minute phone call to say, "Hi. I'm still alive, but I can't talk for long because I'm hanging out with friends," and catch up on what happened with each other in the last 24 hours, but it's not. It's at least an hour long. It will not kill you if you don't talk to your boyfriend ONE DAY out of the 365 there are in a year - or if your phone call is only 15 minutes long instead of 2 hours.
I've tried talking to her about it, but she doesn't think it's a problem. She thinks I should be more understanding because she doesn't get to see him ever, and she and I live 20 minutes away from each other (2.5 hours when I'm at college) which is nothing compared to the 15 hours (or something crazy like that - I don't know exactly how far away from NC Ohio is.) they live away from each other.
Wow. I totally got side tracked. Maybe I should've just sent this comment as a message to Datingish, haha.
I was in long distance relationship for 7 years before we got married.
Next year will be our 3rd year anniversary of marriage.
We are 26 and 28
For most of my sister and her husbands relationship they have been been apart. He joined the army upon graduating college and spent the next three years in Korea, North Carolina and Iraq. They saw each other once during the year he was in Korea and about once every three months while he was in NC and not at all during his six months in Iraq. In fact at the time of their wedding they had been dating for four years and had barely a year of actually living anywhere near each other.
I also have a couple of friends who dated for about 3 years before getting married and all but the last about 6 months prior to their marriage they were in different states for school, he was in Kansas and She was in Minnesota. They really only saw each other on breaks.
In other words, I know that long distance relationships can work if the parties are mature enough.
Two years ago I fell for a guy who went to college in New England, 3000 miles away from me in California. We decided to try it, and it worked. It was hard and it felt like we were living seperate lives sometimes, but we thought it was worth working for. I'd regularly watch airline ticket prices, and I had a postal budget. But now we've both graduated, and we're no longer long distance.
I hate it when people make stupid statements like "long distance relationships never work". It would be as lame as me saying "All Asians are good at math". Just because it didn't work for you doesn't mean there is no way it can work for anyone. Or are you personally familiar with every single member of the human race that has ever existed and every single relationship that has ever existed?
Don't make all-or-nothing statements. It makes you look like a 10 year old. "But mommy, EVERYONE is doing it!". >.<
Now on to the actual question...
It can definitely work, if you're mature enough, honest enough, and determined enough in your relationship. I know plenty of people whose LDRs failed. Then again, I know plenty of people who had LDRs (sometimes for years) and they are now married and have been married for a long time. My parents had a pretty-much permanent LDR until they got married and they've been together since 1971.
Do they suck? Um, fuck yes. Are they worth it? Depends on who you're with. If you really love the person and are absolutely committed to withstanding the distance, it can work.
If you think it will fail, sorry but it probably will.
I've been in a long distance relationship for a year and half now. I would never wish it for anyone. Even though there is so much technology to keep in touch, it's just not the same.
If we hadn't been dating for three years before I moved for school purposes, there is no way we would have lasted this long.
But, it's not all bad news-- we are getting married next year!