Dr. DatingishA friend of a friend of mine lives in New York right now. She's
finishing up her Ph.D. and her boyfriend is involved behind the scenes on Broadway. She
hates living in New York and plans to move somewhere else when she's finished her Ph.D. program in two or three years.
She and her boyfriend love each other a lot, and he's even said
that he can see spending the rest of his life with her. They have been
together for a few years and are living together right now.
Recently, she asked him if he would move away with her if she left New
York - he said no, and neither is interested in doing the long-distance thing.
So, as it stands right now, the relationship will be over when she's done with her Ph.D. program. She doesn’t want to dump him or move out - NYC rent is too expensive for her to pay it all herself - and she still loves him very much.
We're hoping he changes his mind and is open to moving in a couple of years, but I sort of wonder why he's not interested in compromising now.
My question is, how can anyone stay in a relationship when it's obvious there's an expiration date?
Recommend
Comments (46)
I thought the entry answered the question pretty well. It's a hassle to break up. Things are going pretty well in many ways. It's nice being with someone. Things might change. And so on and so on.
And as for why he doesn't want to compromise... he's set on his goals and he doesn't want to change them. People often don't want to change if there are no consequences.
While I don't have a good answer to your question. Your story did remind me of this quote
"People knows that they die, yet they still live. People know that all relationships end, yet they start one"
If it had a definite expiration I dont think there is reason to stay together.
If its not definite why not wait and find out what happens.
And he shouldn't have to compromise... neither should she.
People stay in relationships with expiration dates because they enjoy being together and think it will be worth the eventual pain when it has to end.
Comfort is nice to have not to mention a significant other. Not everything in life makes sense, and those issue related to relationships also may not make sense.
Well, I have only ever been in relationships with expiration dates, weird I know, but for some reason it works. As long as you both know and are aware it can in fact work out. If you enjoy someone's company and the time that you can share together, then why not? I'd rather spend time with a certian someone, than not, but when it comes time to move sometimes it's not in everyone's interest to make that work. It is about enjoying the time you do have, and when the time comes to end things, well you can deal with all that stuff then. I must say this post did make me laugh, as I get the question a lot of why bother if you know its going to end.
I have about four months with my boyfriend until he goes off to school over 2 hours away, and I'm almost positive that's going to be the end point of our relationship. However, when you ask that question, I must ask: why do you stay in relationships in the first place?
I am deeply in love with my boyfriend. He makes me happy, and we are creating happy memories every day. I will NEVER give that up until it's taken from me when he moves; I cherish every moment I have with him. Knowing that we will be breaking up soonish is extraordinarily hard, but the smile that I have on my face right now just thinking of him makes all of it completely worthwhile. And besides, a breakup will be painful whether it happens now or in ten years; there's no reason not to enjoy the time we have left.
It's like asking, "Why would you stay married if your spouse was diagnosed with a terminal illness?"
@FireProof451@xanga - "If it had a definite expiration I dont think there is reason to stay together."
See above.
Being the romantic, optimistic type.. I wish he would have said yes too.
But you have to consider that maybe he wants to stay IN New York as much as she wants to LEAVE. Why is it only up to him to compromise? If their lives aren't going in the same direction, and niether one is willing to compromise, maybe despite the sadness they can enjoy the time they still have together. Besides, there is always a chance one of them will change their minds...
My boyfriend and I are going to school for the same thing, and will eventually be competing for the same, limited amount of jobs. One or both of us may have no choice but to relocate. Sometimes I worry that our relationship has an expiration date. I will stay with him as long as possible, regardless.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - Personally i think the "Why would you stay married if your spouse was diagnosed with a terminal illness?" doesn't relate to this question because the person dying doesn't have a choice in leaving you or ending the relationship.
the person in this post is choosing to not be with this person, when they can stay with them longer.
@raindrops23@xanga - I suppose that's true. Though, some people simply don't want to live through the heartbreak of a long-term relationship, and aren't willing to uproot their entire lives for someone else. It seems that the boy can't be away from his work (which he couldn't really do elsewhere), and the girl really can't stand the city. So, yes, they're making a choice, but it's only because their work and individual happiness are more important than the relationship (which I think should be true for EVERYONE).
If theres an expiration date, you probably should just get out of it. Then again if you really love each other, it probably hurts to think about. I wish your friend all the luck in the world. I think he should move with her if he really does want to be with her forever, if not, then he doesnt really want to be with her in the first place.
i lived in nyc 25 years and have been living in orlando now for 2 years. none of my friends can bear the thought of leaving the city. they could hardly believe that I could move away. it's not easy to just pack up and leave behind everything you know plus family and friends. let's not forget, new york truly is a great city!
i have some bias but nyc is the greatest city!!!
i didn't actually address the question, i guess people stay together to pass the time. but i believe the nyc issue is what is truly behind him not wanting to leave. let's try moving to jersey or north of the city into new york state. besides what will he do for a living outside of theatre on broadway? this is a very complicated situation.
visit nyc and you will understand.
I guess the "logical" thing would be to ditch the relationship right away and start searching again for someone more compatible in that sense. But that seems a bit cold.
As that may not be a viable solution here are a few questions to think about that could help out the situation:
1) Damn! How much is NYC rent? They live together and splitting the rent still costs a helluva lot? Maybe they should move to somewhere (if there is a place) that is a bit more affordable and start saving their money.
2) How long is long distance? If it is a couple hour drive that may be do-able.
3) Where/what will she do once she has graduated in 2-3 years. If she ends up working in NYC - it's moot.
4) If they have been dating for a few years are they going to take the "next step" once she graduates?
5) They still have 2-3 years, what is the chance of their perceptions changing?
I'm not sure what this guy does "behind the scenes" of broadway - but with the resources spent on a PhD, she shouldn't have to make such a large sacrifice. Maybe when the time comes, she will need to make an ultimatum to him.
It seems to me that Question #3 might be the most important to answer first, it will determine how much pain is necessary. Then follow with #1, 2, 4, 5.
With the hope that things will work out, and he'll change his mind.
To answer your question, well it's obvious, she still loves him. A couple of other reasons why, maybe they're much too attached and that they're hoping one or the other is going to change his/her mind.
In a more general sense, some people deny the expiration date and so they prolong the relationship.
I know it's been asked already, but why should he be the only one to have to compromise? It sounds a little bit one-sided, at least as presented in the entry... I mean, he has to be open to moving and abandoning his job, friends, and city, while she won't even consider staying in it/near it? That hardly sounds fair to me, especially when it's possible that she could get a job near the city with her Ph.D. and not have to move away.
I had a friend who was "seeing this guy" & he told her he couldn't see himself being her boyfriend, but yet she continued to see him. Why?????????? It doesn't make any sense!
With this entry, I think they should break up but stay living together. haha Easy said then done right? But if they are mature enough, they can do it. He won't move for her. But yet, she doesn't want to pay more for rent. But why would you put yourself through staying with him for another 2-3 years if he doesn't want to move with you?
I wouldn't stay with him.
@esch99@xanga - I agree.
the reason he won't leave new york is the same reason 98% of all the other ppl living in ny won't leave it. It's because the ny lifestyle is INCREDIBLY different from any other city. it's very hard to get used to quieter areas when you've grown up in a busy metropolis. Plus his career is directly involved with broadway. he'd have a real tough time doing theatre work anywhere else, while your friend can find a job anywhere. This might sound kind of harsh, but if she hates NYC so much, why did she move there in the first place? Compromises should be made on both sides, with high consideration towards whose career would take the biggest hit.
as far as the token question; i think that people stay in relationships with expiration dates because they just don't want to let go of the other person. But then again, why say "expiration dates?" I would call them more of bumps in the road. If the relationship is meant to be, it will survive any hardship. If not, it's over.
I really don't have a good answer to that question.
I've been there before though, starting a relationship knowing that it was going to end really soon after it started. But you know what? I was so happy...I just said "ah, who cares?" and ran with it. And I'm actually glad I did.
sometimes you just don't want to let go until you have to. This may be cheesey, but where's there's love, there's always hope. Im assuming both of them are hoping for an eventual compromise.
Also it depends on the person, a live in the moment type person is going to be more comfortable with a possible "expiration date", than say someone who is really involved with planning their future. Besides if they've been together for a few years chances are they've already had a few serious fights/disagreements... since they're still together they see the value in not just giving up right away.Why does he have to be the one to compromise and leave the city he loves? Maybe they could move out to Jersey or something?
But yeah, it is really hard to stay in a relationship with an expiration date. I was just watching the re-run of How I Met Your Mother where Robin and Ted broke up because they realized their relationship had an expiration date. My last relationship kind of did. It was long distance and he was in the army. Needless to say it didn't work out, but I probably let it go on a lot longer than it should've. In fact, I kind of knew there was an expiration date from pretty early on so I probably should've ended it then and there.
sadly, i am currently in a relationship that has passed its expiration date so long ago. and it sucks. i dont no y ppl do it...theres not logic. yet...i am. i guess bc i made it up in my mind that there is still a glimmer of hope .... i guess ppl just can want so much so bad that they become stupid..."maybe...if i drink this expired milk...i can still get the calcium without all the sickness...wont know unless i try"
Things aren't set in stone yet and might change. Who knows? In the meantime they are happy with the way things are, there is no need to change anything. I was in that situation and then things changed and we ended up being together for 8 years.