This is a guest blog submitted by sleepyhead.My brother recently had a fight with his wife about some things he found in her closet. She had a box full of pictures, notes and some bears that she'd collected over the years from her previous relationships.
Here's how it went down (he's blue and she's red):
You don't need to have these things anymore! You're married.The notes don't mean anything . . . they're memories of my youth.You'd be pissed if I had anything from another girl in my possession.You're heartless, selfish and you don't understand anything.This is a couple that rarely gets into heated arguments. Usually they disagree with something, say a few words and it's over. They've been married for five years and have two kids, so it was weird to see them acting like this in front of their kids and guests.
It's a tough situation for both of them. It might be selfish to ask your wife to throw things away when she believes they have some value.
On the other hand, as a husband or boyfriend, you never want to think about your wife thinking of someone else's words or wondering what could have been. I think that's where the fine line of trust comes into play with your spouse.
Do you trust your significant other when they say memories in a box don't mean anything or is it something you clear up early in the relationship?
Recommend
Comments (85)
My past relationships are very important to me, just as my ex's are important to him. I keep photos, letters, momentos... and I've seen a few things he has kept as well. These things are stashed away with all of my other photos and memorabilia.
If either my past relationships or his past relationships were about the house in open view I would probably be very upset. However if they are just kept and not look at or occasionally looked at then I'd have absolutely NO problem with it.
These people once meant something to him and they likely played some part in who he was today, who am I to tell him he can't hang on to happy memories?
If memories in a box don't mean anything, why keep them? I don't keep anything that doesn't have a functional purpose.
My fiance has a letter a girl sent him detailing her love for him and desire to go "explore old junkyards"...
Oh wait...she was his stalker. Forgot about that...
No, mostly he keeps it for a laugh. Either way, I don't mind. He's with me, he's marrying me, and if he didn't want to, he wouldn't. I trust him beyond a shadow of a doubt. He's loyal to a fault and--short of a freak happening or a demonic possession--would never cheat on me (nor would I ever cheat on him.) So I really have no reason to be jealous.
Basically, he's mine, not theirs, so what does it matter now if he keeps a few momentos?
-Katie
My view:
If you keep them, you are holding onto feelings you shouldn't.
If you don't have those feelings, why keep them?
It's inappropriate.
I am a big proponent of keepsakes and memories. I love to be nostalgic and remember things from the past, because as far as I'm concerned, they shaped me into who I am today. I don't have a box of "ex" stuff, but I certainly don't go out of my way to throw it out. And I don't get upset if I stumble across something of my SO's from a previous relationship either. I trust him 100% and know enough about his past relationships (because of our open, communicative, CURRENT relationship) to know that it doesn't mean anything more than a fond memory.
Example: When you graduate from high school, you have a graduation party. And I don't know about you, but it's all the rage in my neck of the woods to have a giant shrine of photgraphs and keepsakes dedicated to the past eighteen years of your life.. set up in the form of an altar somewhere near the food. Well, my "shrine" had many photos of my boyfriend and I... as well as my ex and I. My cousin scoffed at me for this, but my boyfriend didn't mind. How could I wipe out three years of my life? It's not fair to ask, so he doesn't. And niether would I.
our memories are a part of our life. They make who we are. We learn from the bad and treasure the good. Both my husband and I have our "boxes". He has photo albums on the shelf with pictures of his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend in them. He also has plenty of stories to tell. I to have photos and letters and cards. We both take them out and look at them and remember. But in the end we are in love with each other and married and its all ok.
i would be pist if my husband had a box of memories from an old relationship. even myself i would not want to have these items around. obviously your broke up with these people for a reason and are no longer with them so why keep happy memories from a painful relationship. that makes no sence i say they go.
I don't think there's anything wrong with keeping mementos from a past relationship. I have kept every card and note I've received in my past 3 relationships, though rarely do I look at them. I also show them to my significant other early in the relationship, so not to shock them if they happen to stumble upon it in my closet. My past relationships and all of these people have shaped me into the person I am, and I believe burning or discarding any memories of them would only be something I would regret later on.
To those who say that having these boxes would only stir up memories of the past, memories can easily be brought up by a song or a movie and the moments you shared with that special person. No matter how many teddy bears and notes you throw away, you'll never be able to escape those memories.
My boyfriend hadn't had any really meaningful relationships before me. I have one or two mementos from my first boyfriend, and my current boyfriend doesn't mind. He knows that I have them, and that occasionally (every year or so), I look back and remember that period of my life. He knows that I'm completely glad to have him, and that I wouldn't want my ex back, period.
I am always going to keep important things from various times of my life. It doesn't mean I would love my SO du jour any less, or that I would be thinking romantically about the men I'm no longer dating. If he had remnants from his previous relationships, and told me they didn't make him want to go find the girls and get back together with them, it wouldn't be a problem at all. Actually, I'd want to go over the things with him and hear the stories, if he'd be willing to share.
The red dialogue sounds like the crazy talk.
Keep the memories at the expense of your spouse's happiness? Hmm.
So much for marriage vows, eh? Yes, that's over-simplified, but considering that the husband's request is reasonable, it should be seriously considered.
@Noltes_Wife_Forever@xanga - Not all relationships need conjure painful memories. Sometimes there are legitimate reasons to end a relationship that don't involve (lots of) pain and misery. For instance, my first boyfriend moved to Yuma, Arizona (I'm from Georgia), so we split up, obviously. However, it was a very nice, sweet relationship while it lasted, and we still talk occasionally.
@EarthsAzureLight@xanga - Perhaps it's not possible for you, but it's entirely possible for me to remember some of my past relationships with fondness, but without regret or lingering romance.
@ToxicWishes@xanga - I keep mementos from previous relationships because I like remembering who I was at that stage in my life. My memory isn't as good as it once was, so I keep reminders of ex boyfriends just as you might keep reminders of your children by taking baby pictures and keeping them even as your children grow into adults.
Memories of the past are nice, but things that are from past relationships are ok to keep if both people agree with it, but if one doesnt like it, it is hard to say what to do. But if you are married, whats the point of holding onto past romance?
I think I can understand both point-of-views... the husband wants her full, undivided attention without any hint of past relationships and I think he's right. Also, the wife could be keeping those letters and things for memory sake; however, she should be more careful to keep them away. Because both are life partners until death do them apart, there has to be compromises...
In my point-of-view, I don't think it hurts to keep old letters for memory sake but if your partner doesn't approve, then I think it's better to throw away those letters for the sake of "until death do us apart" relationship.
i believe that keeping all those letters and not wanting to throw them out shows that you still have the "remnants" of your feelings
@SadnessPart1@xanga - I completely agree with you. That is the mature way of looking at it. Now only if my ex-bf or whoever is going to be in my life in the future would understand that - esp since I have an ex-husband. Which, in my opinion, is such an important relationship to be disregarded or "forgotten".
Hmm that seems kinda weird to me. I think if they really dont mean anything she would get rid of them. Apparently she wants to hold on to them for whatever reasons. I have never kept things my ex's have given me, if i have, i would never tell my new lover there from someone previous to him/her.
I have mostly odds and ends from past relationships, not much in the way of letters and the like. I like the voodoo doll one of my exes gave me years ago. It's a creepy little grass doll with neon facial features. It's not a threat to my current. And I think back on that relationship fondly, but without longing. I'm still in occasional contact with three of my exes, there's no hard feelings, and no desires to rekindle things either. It's fine. I also have various cds that various exes gave me during the various relationships. Should I throw those away because they came from an ex? That's just silly.
I don't see what the big deal is. I guess it goes both ways. If it's not a big deal, why keep things, but if it's not a big deal, why be threatened? Do you trust each other or not? That's the bottom line.
@dimntrg@xanga - Thanks for the compliment. I try to keep an open mind about thing and I don't sweat the small stuff!
@JeRtle@xanga - You got that right...it is the songs that get me more than the cards, letters and photos I rarely look!
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - That's what I mean, you can enjoy the memories you've had, but holding onto trinkets to remind you of it takes it to another extreme, there are just things that make others uncomfortable. A significant other holding pleasant thoughts over a specific experience with an ex is one of those things - when it becomes idolized, it is bothersome.
Don't forget how fickle human emotions really are.
I'm a sentimental person by nature and my choice to keep certain things is connected to that. I don't mind if my significant other chooses to keep certain things that he thinks has some sort of value. It becomes a problem when he is pre-occupied by it.
@EarthsAzureLight@xanga - When you're idolizing the object, then yes, that's bad and detrimental to the relationship you're in now.
But to have something in a box in the back of your closet for you to see every once in a while? I'd say that's hardly going to bring back waves of romance.
It doesn't bother me. I have few pictures of exes in a box. It's part of your past. Some of the stuffed animals I gave to a kids charity. It's up to the person what you want to keep or give away.No one should make that choice for you or make you feel guilty about it.