Thursday, 31 July 2008
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No, I Don't Want to Be Friends Right After We Break Up!
This is a guest blog submitted by sleepyhead.Ever since high school, I've been fascinated with how couples react to each other after they break up. I used to watch couples after they broke up in school - they always seemed to stay as far away from each other as possible or try to make each other jealous by talking to someone else.
I was in a similar situation once. My girlfriend had broken up with me after 8 months, saying she just wanted to be friends. I said okay, thinking that "being friends" meant never hanging out again and was an easy way for her to say "later, man".
But to my surprise, she actually wanted me to hang out with her and go drinking with her and her buddies. I couldn't understand what was going on until it happened again a few years later. I thought I'd done something to get them to react that way! When I asked around, I found that many girls tend to do this - they want their exes to be their friends.
Isn't it hard enough - they have to break a guy's heart . . . but then to make him stick around to suffer a little bit longer? Wouldn't it be better to just have a clean break? No hanging out until both parties are completely over and ready to be friends? I don't understand girls' wanting to be friends with exes right after a breakup. I don't see guys breaking up with their exes and wanting to be friends right away.
Anyone care to explain why this is the case? Guys, ever been in that situation; girls, ever put a guy in that situation?
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Comments (112)
Boggles the mind doesn't....
My ex (a man) wanted to remain friends also. I couldn`t do it. Though I'm guilty of wanting to remain friends with one of my exes, and it worked. To this day, we're awesome buds.
So.. it depends on the person.
This one's pretty straightforward.
She wasn't as broken up about the break up as you were. And you weren't a douchebag so she figured you would still make a good friend. Basically, she was ok with continuing the relationship, just not in the same context.
So hanging out with you as a friend wasn't going to be some big drama for her. Some people need time to get over their feelings. People who initiate the breakup are often already there. Or maybe never really had them in the first place.
There's a small chance that she just likes to see guys suffer in front of her.
Also, one or both of you need to take a lesson in seeing other people's POV. You, for not being able to imagine that she could be OK with things. Her for maybe being ovlivious that it would be really hard for you.
i'm in the situation that you're in
'cept i'm female...
my last ex wants to remain friends even though i broke up with him
what's up with that?
i still don't think i can do it
I've tried being friends with my exes, but they didn't want any part of it. Thing is they've broken up with me, saying they want to be friends, and when I accept that, they distance themselves from even wanting friendship. :\
So I guess this all depends on the person. :\
yes. he was extremely hurt over the breakup. i didn't think it was a big deal. i figured he was good person and we were compatible (just not as couples) so why not? he refused to be my friend. boggles my mind.
I'm friends with most of my exes - just because we can't work as a couple doesn't mean all reasons we liked each other aren't still there and make for two great friends. Also, I tend to trust my bfs to have my best interests at heart and to be honest with me much more than I do my friends (this might be a mis-placed trust and a different topic, but it's true for me nonetheless) and I have some of that trust even after we break-up. Maybe a little distance is needed right after you break-up but wouldn't it be a shame to lose someone who cared about you that much and vice versa?
Luckies whose breakups are that amicable. I wanted to be friends with an ex I had known since kindergarten and he would literally do a 180 and go the other way when he saw me coming down the hall. That went on for a year before he would speak to me again. And it's not like I broke his heart either--he broke up with me.
I like being friends with exes.. it's a special kind of friendship.
I don't know.. I never wanted to be friends with my exes - I always put huge distances between us - some of them I still have not seen or talked to and that is the way I want to keep it until further notice.
We were friends for years before dating, so when he said "let's just be friends again", I thought he ment it. Turns out it was just a cowardly way of him saying "I don't want to ever see you again." It would have saved me a lot of confusion and awkwardness if he had just been honest.
i wanted to be friends with my ex, i still do, but he won't even talk to me. i find it kind of immature that we can't still be friends. if you thought the person was good enough to stay with for so long, he should still want to be my friend, right??
I've been in that situation before.
My now ex-boyfriend wanted to stay friends after we broke up. I'm not sure of his reasons. But he did date other people right after,literally about two days after our two year relationship ended. I couldn't be his friend. That was too hard to handle on top of the breaking up.
I say why not.
I was with a guy for 7+ years. We even have a business together where we have to see each other 3-4 times a week. After I broke up with him, I could have bought him out of the business but I decided not to and kept him around.(he could have call it quit but he didn't either) We are still friends and it's still fine. I wasnt able to become friends with many of the exes right away. both side needs time just to register the truth and forget the flame.
: )
I was friends before I started dating my last boyfriend. After about a year we broke up mutually and told each other that we would still be friends, we tried it, and it just turned out to be awkward. It really depends on how the relationship ended and who the peson is.
when i used the "just be friends" line, we ended up getting back together, which turned out to be a mistake. clean breaks are the way to go
Actually, my boyfriend and I just broke up and he's the one who proposed still being friends. That works for me cuz I've never been able to cut someone out of my life atfer a breakup. Not after they meant so much to me.
It's hard to stay friends tho because so many people don't really mean it. Alot of the time, people only want to stay friends to:
1) Ease thier guilt
2) Get back together in the future
3) Get revenge for breaking up
I am friends with a few of my exes, but never right after, and sometimes a year or more down the line, when we'd both had the chance to sort through everything and see beyond hurt feelings and bad timing. It's worked out for the better every time.
Out of everyone I have dated, I have only kept one guy around. We have been friends for nine years and didnt date that long. It took over two years for us to be friends though. As for some other friends of mine, they keep all there ex's around, and I honestly dont get it. I think its for the attention they give them or whatever else. I personally think having all your ex's as friends, is not a good thing. Especially when the new guy comes around, how do you explain that to him?
In all of my relationships, the guy I am with becomes my best friend. Just because the romantic part of the relationship is gone doesn't mean I want the friendship to fall away. I'm still very close to my recent ex who I had dated for 3 years. It took a bit of time for us to feel like friends hanging out but now it's fine.
Before breaking up we talked saying "we could be very good friends, in case we break up" but it didn't happened as we thought.
I'd like to know how she is and what's going on in her life (as well as letting her know about me) but I wouldn't hang out again or "confess little secrets" to her. The passion is gone along with my trust in her. I would end being jealous and thinking very bad about her and the guys she wants to date. I don't want to be like that.
If/when I have to break up with my boyfriend, I will want to be friends immediately. Why? Well, he's not just my lover. He's my best friend. I couldn't stand the blow of losing both at once! I could understand waiting like a month to both cool off a little, and I'd be willing to do that if he wanted, but to me, if you don't get into the friends state immediately, I'd start to fall for him again after a month of being single and finding new best friends!
I would say that its a selfish way of saying that they want them around for their own convenience for the following reasons:
1) they want to have their cake and eat it too. Obviously, They want to be able to date other people without feeling bad about it, and keep the ex around as a "friend" if they want to go down the road to memory lane ... most likely they will
2) to keep the doors to the relationship open in case they regret breaking up and want to rekindle it.
3) they dont want to have to feel alone
All in all, I think its not easy coming in and out of a relationship because we grow on each other and develop attachments along with memories. I believe that when a relationship is over, their needs to be some kind of closure, and staying friends with an ex does not offer that. It is an exception if chidren are involved, in such a case it is probably better to keep strictly peace and communication for the childrens sake. But if children are not the motive to remain on good grounds, we should just accept the relationship as the past, grow from it, and learn how to make the next relationship ten times better.
@endlesscrowd@xanga - "Especially when the new guy comes around, how do you explain that to him?"
You tell him that you want to form a real relationship with him, and that you never want to break his heart by doing anything unforgivable. "And here are my friends who I used to date who will acknowledge that this is true. You can meet them, ask them questions about me, or ask them questions about when I used to date them."
I would much prefer to meet all of my SOs exes than to just hear about them. I would also prefer that the men I date not have a history of horrible breakups.
from a woman's perspective, i think we tend to want to be friends afterward is for the very possible reason of getting back together. you have your cake and want to eat it too... whenever you'd like. you keep the guy around as an option if other guys you are/will court don't live up to the previous one's reputations (esp. if the guy is great but you're just not sure of him yet). i know that's oversimplified and there could be many reasons behind continuing to be friends but that's my best explanation.
For me and my ex it was different. Right after the breakup I wanted nothing to do with him and no reminder of him at all, even though I was the one to initiate the break up. He however wanted to remain friends and still called every week. However after we saw each other the first time after the break up (about 2 months later - we live long distance) I am the one that now wouldn't mind being friends and he's the one that hasn't wanted to talk since then.Â
Do you think it depends on who does the break up for who wants to remain friends or not? Or is it just a complete gender or personality thing?