Monday, 28 July 2008
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Guys, How Are You Feeling? We Want to Know.
Dr. Datingish
A female reader writes,
How come it's so hard for a guy to tell you how he is feeling even if you give him so many opportunities to say it?
For example, what does the response, "that's not my mindset" tell a female about how he feels?
What do you think, guys - do you have a hard time opening up to girls?
Girls, does it bother you if your guy doesn't want to tell you how he feels?
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Comments (73)
I think that if a guy really digs a girl, he wouldn't have a hard time opening up. If he's dancing around the subject, it's because he's not really into her.
I've been trying to work on this for the longest time and I think that with time, it's starting to become more necessary that I talk about a few things. I understand very well that saying what I have in mind doesn't make anyone bad, but it's hard to know when to express it.
My guy trusts me a lot, if he isn't tell me what's up- I know something is really under his skin. I don't let up until he tells me because as much as he might want his space, I want him to know that his feelings are important to me.
I don't have a hard time opening up to a girl if I really like her.
I don't think I ever had a problem opening up to girls I liked.
Depends on the guy, I guess. My boyfriend, whom I've been seeing for about 5 months now, took this long to open up completely. I had to be really patient... but some girls aren't, haha. But when it's worth it, you can tell.
It means more when the guy finally does say it after waiting awhile. Girls tend to say "I love you" a lot more than guys just to anyone in general so no need for guys to say it alot too.
I have no problem speaking what is on my mind. Sometimes we don't want to as most girls don't want to hear the truth. So rather than hurt their feelings we tell them what we think they want to hear or don't give any response at all.
We take so long because if we open up too soon, it might not be someone worth opening up to. I've done that a couple of times, and girls are either interested in hearing about that stuff or they aren't until a certain degree of closeness. So until you get to that degree keep your feelings to yourself, you baby.
If I like you, I will make it VERY obvious. I will court you, and will not play games with you. But if you play games with me or play hard-to-get or try confusing me intentionally, I will walk out.
But that's me.
Remember, Dr. Datingish, you are asking a sample of men who generally do not have a problem opening up, as we are all bloggers reading and interacting on a dating/ relationship-based forum.
How come it's so hard for a guy to tell you how he is feeling even if you give him so many opportunities to say it?
Because they have too much testosterone. If women had the same amount, they wouldn't be as open either. Those are just biological facts on how hormones affect our thinking and emotions and what separates men from women.
Well my current boyfriend had issues telling me how he felt at first, but now he realizes he can be vulnerable around me. If he didn't tell me I didn't try to pry too much because sometimes I get like that. It just depends on how deeply he is feeling something and when he is ready to express himself, he will.
"that's not my mindset" - who the hell talks like that?
sometimes we don't have anything to say because quite frankly we are not thinking about anything. so quit asking every 15 minutes what we're thinking about. and if something is bothering us just tell us that you're here to listen when the guy is ready to talk about it. just don't nag the crap out of somebody because he'll forget what was bothering him and just focus on you being annoying.
Through my experiences, i believe that to be entirely true. Guys, when compared to girls, definitely dont open up that often. I think if the guy truly loves the girl, then he'd feel safe telling her anything. Otherwise, if the guy doesnt want to tell her, like if you're just friends but want something more, then he doesnt have to if he doesnt want to. Guys only pick one person at a time to open up to. Normally their closest friends and their girlfriend or future girlfriend. Girls say "I love you" more because they are far more emotional than guys would be. Everything to us is almost like a competition. Its that "man instinct" that tells us that opening up and telling girls our feelings is considered weak. So we dont do it.
That being said, i believe its times like this when the girl needs to keep pushing the envelope and tell us its ok to open up and convince us to tell them whats on our mind. Personally i dont have a problem opening up to girls. But in general, guys all have the same problem.
I don't know that it is so much that guys don't want to talk about their feelings as it is that we don't have the same kind of feelings as girls do and what feelings we do have we don't know how to explain. There is also the element of culture telling us that we shouldn't share our feelings but I feel like that is rather minor.
Also, at least in my case, feelings just don't change all that often so if you have already asked once that week then you probably already know and all you are accomplishing by continuing to ask is the simple act of annoying me.
Now if they want to know what I am thinking about then I will gladly tell them but not until I have completed thinking about it and am looking for input.
if I feel really comfortable with a girl, I have no problem opening up to them.
my guy opened up way more than me. it's hard for me to talk about how i'm feeling. he does it much more effectively. always has. i'm learning.
It depends on how well I know the girl and also what I'm telling her. But if it's me opening up my feelings to her (which I did just a few days ago actually), then it is hard. It's probably the feeling of rejection lurking while trying to prepare to tell her.
I hate when guys don't tell me how they feel. I mean, they don't need to tell me all the time, but if, say, I did something that hurt them, I don't want them to keep it all bottled up inside. I want them to tell me so that I can fix it and won't do it again. My last ex would just get really angry and not tell me why. It was very frustrating.
@shadow720@xanga - lol. I'll remember that advice.
@shadow720@xanga -
Girl: "How are you feeling"
Girl-translated:"why are you so quiet right now, is anything wrong?"
i've been with someone for 19 months (this friday) and.. he still doesn't open up fully to me on how he feels. i understand if you've been with that person for a couple weeks/months but over half a year? it's... a little bothering because i feel like i'm doing something wrong or.. he isn't liking me like he did 17 months ago.
i guess it questions the girl in situations like that.
It's the general idea that communication is important that makes this hard. It's the lack of expressing the negative emotions that gets me. When I'm bringing a problem to the attention of SO, it is important for me to get the point across. I can get wordy. Sometimes he articulates in return.. but usually he responds with silence. I know it's because his wheels are turning. I know he doesn't know what to say or how to say it. But nothing is more frustrating than when you are trying to resolve a problem but have no idea what is going through his mind.
He admits this is a flaw of his, but says it keeps him levelheaded and forces him to think before he speaks. This probably prevents hurtful things from emerging, thus preventing more arguments. So ladies, there may be a method behind the madness. Plus, he is trying for me. That's all I can ask. You can't change a person!
I see a lot of the guys here saying that if a guy is really into a girl he will let her know. But I think it's important to remember that not all men are as open or verbally expressive as the men using blogging sites!
My current boyfriend took a long time to open up to me and we were dating for a few months before he said I love you. Nevertheless, he communicated his feelings to me in a variety of ways before actually saying them. Even now, he doesn't say "I love you" very often and neither do I. But it works for us. He communicates his feelings to me in ways that are a little bit untraditional but very special to me. I don't think that guys are adverse to communicating their feelings, sometimes they just communicate things differently than women. Next time you think your man isn't opening up to you, consider the possibility that his feelings are getting lost in translation.
you give a little, get a little. in my view, it's a way to build that stronger bond of trust with each other. believing in fairness. sharing worlds. blah blah blah.