Monday, 28 July 2008
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Featured Comment: Full Disclosure on First Dates?
saxy_grrl responded to a recent post about disclosing too much on a first date, and she asked a great set of questions:I think this brings up the question -- when do you reveal something like that? (Meaning, any secret that you don't tell the general public.) Everyone here says, "TMI!" but what if a relationship does happen? If the secret is revealed months down the road, would you be upset that they withheld potentially important information?
So, my question to anyone who cares -- what should you tell on the first date, and what is better left until later?
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Comments (36)
You should be honest. Not force a conversation down a particular path, but if something comes up, just be honest with each other. If you hide something relevant to a discussion, the you are being deceitful and that is not the grounds for a healthy relationship.
yeah only say what's relevant. if it's a big secret that you don't want to tell right away, just tell them that you don't want to talk about it.
i don't go out of my way to avoid a topic. if it comes up, it comes up. i never talk about money though. i occasionally bring up the big no-no--ex's. but just briefly, and i never talk bad about them. maybe just like, how long were they together and why didn't it work out. just so i know what kind of person they are.
If a specific subject comes up, to me, honesty is the best policy. But on the other hand, you really don't want to have diarrhea of the mouth on your first date. A first date is too soon to know if a relationship will come out of the process and some things are better to disclose once you have that first foundation of trust built.
Never. If you show all your cards then you have no more cards to play with. Usually, people can't take in that much these days and need to take things in moderation.
Not on first date maybe 5th or 6th..If its something you don't tell anyone then you should be sure you care about the person.It also depends on if it's relative to the relationship.
I think the first date should be the time to actually get to know each other... but not so personal... and not on a date. Dates are about having fun and getting to know the fun side in a person. But if you're walking down the street with them after the date is over, and it happens to come up, at least you two are alone and not in public. It'd seem more important because you're not sitting across the table from the other person or busy bowling. Even that, if it's the negative personal details that show up, they have no distractions for a hug.
Honesty,yes.To personal on first date not always good.
For me, I leave certain topics to be discussed later on in the relationship (if there is one).
It's okay to be with honest with things on a first date, but one can't throw all the cards on the table. :\
Just let the conversation carry it self. Things will eventually be revealed in their own way. If the other person complains about you withholding a secret later down the road, just say something like, "you never asked."
a little bit of mystery keeps the relationship alive, I think
I think following the natural conversation is a good policy for so early on! If the relationship heads towards "official" status and there is something you need to talk about before that, then go for it. When we confessed a mutual crush while we were still just friends, my current BF brought up something he thought I should know about, which was awesome of him. It set a standard of open, honest communication for the whole relationship.
sometimes happened and regretted right after coming at home so i would say: no, never. Better leave a veil of mistery about and let the other person discover it (if he/she wants to).
bringing up that you only have one testicle, maybe once you two get physical but before you get naked.
Not too much on the first date... gotta leave them hanging for more :). But give a little bit more than what you normally would in order to make yourself a bit more interesting (hopefully) =D.
You definitely should let your love interest know before the first date if you have any kids. Hopefully you've asked questions about things that are absolute deal breakers for you before the date. Uber personal things (former drug/alcohol addict, past trauma like childhood abuse, or medication you're currently taking) should remain personal until after a few dates. Giving away TMI on the first date is not a great sign. The key is to make sure this person is worthy of knowing the intimate details of your life.
@shadow720@xanga - lol..
@ichigo705@xanga - I agree!
oooh that's such a good question! I mean, I guess I would say bring it up when there's a tactful way too bring it up. And not too early. But not too late either. If things are starting to get exclusive, find a tactful way to bring it up. Just blurting it out on the first date is a bit much. You want to leave some mystery for future dates, I mean come on.
i think as soon as the relationship turns a bit serious ( a couple dates in- where both people are starting to really like each other), people should disclose things that may be deal breakers.
for instance my boyfriend right now told me 3 dates in that he was divorced and the last 3 girls he dated basically dropped him because of it, so he wanted to let me off the hook early on. simply because he told me and his continued honesty with me makes me trust him implicity and want to be with him because I know he won't lie to me.
Whoa, my question got featured! Sweet, thanks!
What concerned me was something that the person isn't going to ask about ("Say, you don't happen to have an easily-concealed mental disorder, like, oh, I don't know... OCD, do you?") or find out eventually (yeah, the whole testicle thing would be hard to hide if the relationship went that far...)
My thoughts agree with most who answered: if it comes up in conversation, be honest; if it doesn't come up, mention it after some time (not first date!)
Thanks!
@n3ssaac@xanga - I really prefer to understand how many/how long/why they ended for all of my boyfriend's exes. Most people think it's taboo, but I think it's strongly indicative of how he'll treat me.
i think people should definitely tell their date if they have children!!
I don't think the first date is the time to bring up anything serious. Let them get to know you before you spill anything major. But it's tough to say when. Saying it too soon might be too much for the person to handle. But waiting too long makes them feel deceived.
I have a bit of experience with this: I recently became attracted to a person who has a mental illness. We are not officially dating, but I want us to someday soon. He told me that after we got to know each other a little bit, before I became attracted to him. I knew I could deal with it as a friend, but it was several months before I thought I could deal with it as a girlfriend, too. If we had gone on a date and that was the first thing he said, I would have felt a bit overwhelmed, and I consider myself an open-minded person. It's just that being friends with a person and dating them are two very different things sometimes and there are certain things a person needs a bit of time to get used to.
Kind-of weird, but this is a story I feel kinda applies.
When my boy first met me, he was a bit weary. I was 15 and he was 20. He wanted to make sure I wasn't trying to get him thrown in jail or anything, y'know. So he told me a few small things about himself that weren't true.
One of which, was that he didn't have a middle name.
So for 8 months, I always believed he didn't have a middle name.
Then, one evening we were bored, and google-searching each other's names. And in a few places, I saw it say a weird word inbetween his first two names.
"Garett"
I was like...I thought you didn't have a middle name?
And he told me he was lying so I couldn't properly identify him or something...it doesn't make much sense to me, but, I would've appreciated him telling me that AFTER he realized I wasn't trying to throw him into jail :(
But we're still together, have been for a year and a half :) <3