by
Mr. Macchiato
I have a pet peeve: I simply can't stand it if a girlfriend can't keep a secret.
I had always assumed that secrets were secrets, until the first time I had a confidence betrayed by a girl I was seeing! I asked her about it, and this is what I learned:
It's considered OK to share secrets with friends who outrank you. Say that I tell a girl a deep dark secret. Now obviously, most girls will keep the secret from most people (say, her casual friends in a study group). But what about her closest friends?
I may just be a passing boyfriend in her life... but her closest girlfriends have been with her through thick and thin. So it's possible that her other friends "outrank" me. If they do, then the secret is in play and she may be considering sharing.
That's when the second variable comes in: is the secret relevant to the relationship? For example, say that I swear her to secrecy and tell her that I simply can't stand pygmies. It's not really relevant to the relationship, so she wouldn't really be able to justify telling her closest friend. But say that she can't stop thinking about what I said, and realizes that it bothers her because it's a sign that I am racist (against pygmies). If I am racist, then she would have to break up with me - so now she needs to get advice on what do from her closest girlfriends. Voila, my secret is ready to be sacrificed on the altar of "advice".
There's a third variable as well: is the secret juicy gossip? If it is, even if she doesn't need advice... she might share it with her very closest friends, just for funsies.
I'm a really private person, so the idea that secrets aren't always secrets really bothered me. I am a big believer in the idea that secrets belong in "the vault", regardless of whether or not a close friend outranks me. Sometimes I wonder if this is a gender difference? I never share confidences with my guy friends, no matter if I need advice about the relationship or if it's juicy gossip... and they never share that stuff either. But it could just be that discretion is super important to me, so I would never be friends with someone who couldn't keep a secret.
I'm curious about your experiences. Can your S.O. keep a secret? Have you ever had a secret betrayed? Also (and this one is optional): do you think there's a gender difference between how boys and girls handle secrets?
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Comments (42)
My boyfriend certainly can keep a secret, and so can I.
But we're both pretty open people, so it's never really been an issue.
And yes, I think that women are definitely more likely to spill secrets than men. That's part of why I think men make much better friends.
I think girls get boundaries more when it comes to secrets actually- some guys are fine to tell all if it's interesting enough even if they've been warned not to. Though friend-heirarchy definitely plays a role as well =)
My boyfriend at the moment knows that "don't tell anyone" definitely means don't and we respect each other's opinion, especially in that sense- so I'm happy =D
I'm pretty good with keeping things a secret, and so is my boyfriend. :)
I don't think it's just a gender difference when it comes to telling secrets to someone. The friend factor is also key in it.
I think it just depends on what kind of friends you have -- private people or people that spill all their (and their significant other's) secrets... Usually, when you have friends that sit around and gossip, they want to pry things from you or you'll feel as if its more okay to share because they do. Honestly... I think girls do have more of a problem with this, though.
As for me and Dereck, we don't have any problems. We're each others best friends, thus the "outranking" rule doesn't apply. :)
girls usually have the problem keeping secrets
boys, as long as you express clearly that you don't want your secret to be spread, they won't tell anyone.
if it's a secret, why are you sharing it? the thing to keep in mind is that once you share a secret, it's no longer a secret-you've already blown it, so don't expect someone else to keep it.
the issue of trust is another thing entirely and if there are things you would rather not have spread around, I think you can convey that in a mature way. i would also assume you have given some thought to the girl herself and would already know if she is the type that spreads gossip, is vengeful of ex's that break up with her, have a mean streak, etc.also make sure she understands what is and isn't meant to be shared. guys usually have no clue how much girls share with each other and are horrified when they find out. a lot of times they assume something won't be shared because it's secret or special to them, while the girl doesn't even give it a second thought and tells everyone. that's not so much a breech of trust as it is a crossed line of communication. you gotta be clear.
Confidentiality is very important to me as well. When someone confides in me, it stays a secret unless it is something very serious that will negatively affect other people. In this case, I may seek advice from others. But when someone tells me something is a secret - it stays that way. I don't want them violating my trust, so I'm not about to do the same.
My boyfriend, though I love him dearly, has a big mouth. So no, I don't think it's a gender thing. I think it's a person to person thing.
I don't ask friends for advice. This may seem arrogant, but I don't need to ask advice. I have enough common sense to figure things out for myself. If I am stuck in a situation, it's usually because my head and heart are saying two different things. At that point, it's just a matter of weighing both of them. Therefore, I don't really share "juicy details" with my friends regarding my relationships. If I ever do discuss anything, it's usually about everyday stuff me and my significant other do. But I don't see the point in sharing secrets because although I treasure both my friendships and relationships, I realize that there are some things you don't share with others.
There's another factor that should be considered.. if sharing the secret with another friend could help him. The friend could possibly realize he's struggling with something & be more likely to start up a convo & ask him about what he's struggling with & how he can encourage him to stay away.. I know I'm being very vague but that's how I see it.
I do keep most of the secrets though. Probably 'cause I'm too stunned to share or know what to do with them.
And I think it depends on the boy or girl.. I don't think there is one specific gender that can keep secrets better. Just my 2 cents. :)
I don't have a s.o. right now but most of my passed ones seemed like they were the types who had no problems keeping secrets. I definitely prefer a s.o. who is good at keeping secrets because I am and I want reciprocation.
The times that I've had a secret betrayed were by girlfriends and not by a s.o. that I know of. It didnt feel good. So in any relationship I think secret keeping (as long as the secret doesnt put anyone in serious harm) is good.
I really don't know but I would assume more guys than girls would be able to keep a secret. Girls just seem to chatty. This is general of course and doesn't apply to everyone.
I'm a pretty open person so it's very rare that my BF will know something about me that nobody else knows. Normally it's my closest friends who knows my "deep dark secrets." And yes I have have my confidence betrayed then and that really hurt, so yes I can relate.
Now I know some of you are probably saying "Well you're BF should be one of your closest friends." You're right, he should. But even then I think it's different having a close guy friend and a close girl friend. My close guy friends may know secrets about me, yes. But there are a lot of secrets I would only share with my girl friends. Why? Not sure... maybe thinking the girls could relate while the guys couldn't?
Why tell them secrets? they never tell theirs, cause when they do they're barely secrets.
why tell them secrets, the secrets they tell you aren't real secrets
pick one
I personally understand the nature of sharing confidential things with a significant other, and the importance of it not leaving that room. I don't share secrets, no matter what, and I expect that of my boyfriend. I have some female friends that tend to go "Oh, guess what he told me last night?" and I simply say if he didn't want me to know, I don't want to know.
Intimate things shared in confidence are just that, no matter if someone "outranks" you.
my girlfriend generally tells her friends what we do (like sexual things) and i don't mind, girls LOVE to talk about that kind of stuff especially since she's the only one of her friends that's gotten farther than a peck on the cheek, haha. what really gets me, though, is the outrank thing. i absolutely LOATHE when girls designate their friends as outranking you. this leads to girlfriends picking hanging out with friends over you, which is okay once in a while because my girl doesn't get to see her friends much so when she can she does and i'm fine with it, but when it's all the time, it's gotta stop. thankfully my girl doesn't do this but i have had girlfriends that do and it just really gets my goat.
i used to complain about my ex's friends and then when we were breaking up, he told me that his friends don't like me. they had no reason so i asked why. he said bc of what i said about them. what??? he told his friends everything i was complaining about. that really irked me.
My boyfriend can keep MY secrets, but not his friends' secrets. I keep secrets no matter who tells me unless it is a harmful secret like "I'm going to kill myself tomorrow at 6:30, don't tell anyone." I'm not a secretive person so I've never had a secret betrayed and if it is really a secret, I'll keep it to myself. I don't think it is a gender thing, it varies from person to person.
I like to just keep it all to me, until I can trust my gf with that privileged information. Dont have one, so one less thing to worry about....hahaha
Ah yeah, don' tell me anything... I used to be able to keep a secret, now I can't.
and I REALLY can't keep a secret if I'm pissed off, because I tend to rant to my friends so I can blow off steam.
My boyfriend can keep a secret.
Me on the other hand... lol. I can, but I have two best friends, and they know absolutely everything. Take them out, and I can keep a secret.
Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.
Well, for me. i think guys have always been better at keeping secrets than girls have ever been. I don't know what it is, they must have some sort of super power.
In my opinion, if your SO can't keep your secrets then they don't really value the relationship and thus you probably shouldn't be in the relationship in the first place.
In the event that they need advice from their close friends then they should be as vague as possible and should be able to trust those friends not to share anything that is told to them.
Really though, I don't understand why anyone should need advice about whether or not to stay in a relationship from their friends. After all, it is not their friends who are in the relationship.