By
Miss Double Shot
Marie, one of my roommates in college, was a fantastic
conversationalist; she was funny, smart and perceptive and we could -
and did - talk for hours about whatever was on our minds. She held her
own when she talked to both guys and girls in person and now has a job
where she converses with people of all walks of life.
Oddly enough, though, Marie always froze up whenever she'd talk to her
crush du jour on the phone. Her anxiety got so bad that she'd shake
when the phone rang and had a list of conversation topics written out
for reference in case she got stuck.
When I asked her what the problem was, here were her explanations:
- She felt like she stayed on the phone too long and that people had better things to do than talk to her
- She couldn't see how the other person was reacting to what she was said - that made her nervous
- She prefers talking to people in person
Do you know of anyone who's had severe phone anxiety? How would you combat it?
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Comments (46)
My fiance and I both had phone anxiety. It only got better after that was the only contact we had.
Absolutely. This is more of an issue for my girl friends than my guy friends. If you just talk to whoever it is and explain that "you're not good on the phone," they should understand.
These days there are many options - text, email, etc. - so if you feel you can't do well over the phone, don't!
(You should still try to return phone calls, though, even if you prefer some other medium.)
I'm actually really bad at talking on the phone. Whether it's an argument or a plan to meet up... I get nervous and don't know what to do.
I just let them do the talking.
haha i think i'm like this too. i'm not a great conversationalist, but i'm not bad. but not being able to see someone's reaction really throws me for a loop. add poor cell phone reception into the mix and i'm just a confused, anxious wreck. :P
wow she's just like me! i did all that. i would continue to shake after picking up the phone, and even when i read my notecards for reference [yes, i did that too] i froze up. i figured that the topics just didn't fit into the conversation. so generally, i never call people unless its an emergency. i never told my ex boyfriend how much i hate talking on the phone, and he would call me all the time and we would sit there in silence for a few minutes commenting on random things. it was really absurd and embarrassing, so eventually i told him i hate talking on the phone... after we broke up. good timing, laur. but yeah generally that's one of the things i tell people: i'm not a phone person, accept it.
I definitely feel more comfortable face-to-face than on the phone. I think that's valid.
But if this fear for your friend is immobilizing (which it sounds like it is), maybe she would benefit from talking to a counselor.
Otherwise, maybe just practice. Phone skills take practice. You can also remind your friend that if the person on the other line didn't want to talk to her, they wouldn't be on the phone with her in the first place. So she must be doing something right if she keeps getting phone calls!
I go to great lengths to avoid answering the phone. I hate the sound of the phone ringing. I hate that I have to talk. My phone is on silence. If it is important enough, he will leave a message.
It is not that I have phone anxiety, well, maybe, just a little.
People have a habit of calling thrity-five times a day. I accomplish nothing at work, at home. I cannot spend my life talking on the phone. I am not in high school anymore.
I had 10,000 roll over minutes. My sister came over and used 5,000 in a month and a half. At least she used them.
HAHA! i can totally relate. I would like to think i'm a public speaker as that's a big part of my livelihood but when it comes to the phone - i always think I act so spastic for the same reason your friend got - because I don't see the person's reaction therefore as a speaker - you can't adjust to their emotions/reactions.
IMO, the only real interaction is face-to-face. There are exceptions (letters, writing, phone, even IM or video conferencing CAN be more true) but for the most part, I like real interactions.
I used to hate calling people and asking for them. I'd even go as far as asking my sister to ask for the person, and then I'd talk to them.
I definitely understand phone anxiety! It's mostly because I have a horrible, boring, and monotone voice.
I have had phone anxiety, but not severely. I just did not like talking on the phone, it's always awkward, I never know what to say, etc.
I'm getting more comfortable and better at it though as I work as a receptionist answering phones (just a summer job before school starts back up). *shrugs* I'm not really sure how to fix it though other than just keep forcing yourself to do it.
I don't like talking on the phone too much. I dislike how I can't see how people are reacting to what I say (they could be making fun of me, or making faces at me that I can't see and react to). I also dislike how it puts you on the spot. With talking online, there will be natural pauses on aim conversations. E-mails aren't in real time, you can take a day or two to think of how to respond, and in person, it's fine to just talk about something else or change the subject to something around both of you, or go your separate ways without saying anything. But, on the phone, any pause in conversation is awkward, and I freeze up and I don't know how to react. It really sucks because people from my school, like my guidance counselor will say "call me and ask me" if I e-mail them with a question I have...and I'll literally sit in front of the phone for 10 minutes, planning out EXACTLY what I'll say. It really, really, really sucks.
I have some phone anxiety. My bf has major phone anxiety. LOL.
This comes down to two things, basically:
1) Concern that the person you're talking to doesn't want to talk to you as much as you want to talk to them.
2) A lack of non-verbal cues in interpersonal communication.
This kind of concern in interaction happens a lot to people who value Quality Time and Words of Affirmation highly in their hierarchy of Love Languages. The person you are talking to may not value those things as highly -- just because they don't want to spend as much time with you as you want to spend with them (on the phone) doesn't necessarily mean they are not attracted to you; just as their lack of affirming words during conversation does not mean this also. This just indicates that they're either unaware or they're not multi-lingual in being able to "speak" in a love language that is not familiar to them.
Guys are also not as "social" as girls. Guys tend to view the phone as a communication device to relay logistical information (meet me here, bye) more than to chat about things (omgthatgirlissocute).
If we don't seem as chatty as you, it's probably because we're not as used to it as you are. If we're hanging around willingly though, it probably means something good.
You can approach it analytically -- are we exhibiting any signs of showing you affection through any other Love Language? Are we trying to get off the phone with you ASAP? Do we pay attention to what you are saying and show genuine concern? Or do we seem preoccupied by other things while talking to you? All of these things matter.
As for lack of Neuro-Linguistic Programming found in Non-Verbal cues, there's really nothing you can do about it. Something like 90% of interpersonal communication is non-verbal, and that's just the accepted loss when communicating over the phone. If you don't want to do it, drive to their place and have conversation over tea or coffee or scotch instead. Either that, or learn to make more efficient use of that 10% of that interpersonal communication that's verbal.
i don't necessarily have severe phone anxiety but i'd much, much, much rather talk to a person face to face rather than over the phone.
i've never been one for long phone conversations.
I have severe phone anxiety. Arrghh. It's probably why I send over 1,000 texts a month.
I can relate to this situation. I'm terrible about talking to people over the phone, so normally I go with AIM or text messages.
Funny this came up: I mentioned my personal phone anxiety in a blog I wrote, several days ag.
The main issue is not knowing how the person reacts to what you're saying. I always think that the other person is fed up with me in some way. -__-;;
I have severe phone anxiety, probably down to my speech and my disability.
Most people struggled sometimes in what I am saying.
I supposed it also came down to three people I use to go to school with one day during the Christmas holiday thought it was a great idea to prank phone call me since they knew I was by myself..... there will be beaten since I looked up their home phone number and the parents give their children who was doing a telling off.
Do I prefer phoning people or them phoning me, since I dont own a mobile phone, the people I kept in touch with know I dont own a mobile but what with Xanga, Facebook and Myspace etc including email plenty of choice.
Is it weird I'm really comfortable with my crush/boyfriend on the phone? With other people, like my friends, I feel awkward... haha.
i am definitely a victim of phone anxiety. it's so much easier to talk to someone in person. i feel like phone conversations are awkward and uncomfortable. i prefer to only resort to talking on the phone when it is necessary to get information of some sort of importance. it's crazy how many people just sit on the phone and talk about nothing, and i hate getting caught up in those kind of messes. it's so hard to endure.
I have phone anxiety...about everything! I do not like to call people about anything..I love IM and Texting. =)
For the first bullet: That's just pure lack of self esteem...What could there be that's better to do than talk to me?
Second Bullet: Wow...A little freaked out about the unknown...I would not talk to this girl at all...what a freak...
Third: What a copped out excuse... She should have just said, "Please accept my defense mechanism kicking in...I'm gonna call it 'weird' when I should just say 'I fucked up and should stop being such a pussy'"...
So much for strong and independant women...