by
Mr. MacchiatoA friend of mine writes an advice column. She was telling me that one of the most popular topics is porn in relationships!
According to her, women these days are divided into two main camps:
- Around half the women feel that porn is demeaning to women and that if a man looks at porn... she feels like he is cheating on her.
- The other half feel that porn is part of human sexuality, and that porn can be sexually liberating. Some of them even watch porn themselves.
I think it's partly a generational thing? She said that many younger women seem to see porn as part of sexuality, and more and more couples these days are watching porn together!
That first perspective fascinates me. Say that you found out that your partner has been secretly watching porn. I'm curious what your reaction would be. Do you feel that porn is a form of cheating?
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Comments (256)
I plan to watch porn with my significant other, I'd prefer more instructional videos though but regular porn as well...when watching in private it depends on what kind you are watching.
I'd rather that my partner watch porn and masturbate alone than physically or emotionally cheat.
Absolutely no way. Looking at pornography is not cheating. It is a fantasy. It's like saying closing your eyes and dreaming something up is cheating. It's absurd. Pornography is a healthy part of a relationship. I heavily suggest partners look at it together to keep the relationship spicy.
The only time in which pornography can become a problem in a relationship is when either one of them chooses to watch porn over fooling around with their S/O. It can become an unhealthy obstruction to the relationship. But- it's still not cheating. Cheating is something else entirely.
Woman who tell their men to stop looking at porn (and I've heard this happening to MANY of my friends) are insecure. They cannot understand that their man is simply enjoying himself... enjoying a fantasy. He is not going to walk off with the pornstar. He is not in love with her. He is not attached to her.
I could go on and on, but I think that sums up the basics.
-L
Honestly, yes...
We should be able to sexually liberate each other, and neither of us should need to find other ways to feel like that.
I know he'd feel the same way... and its not even an insecurity thing. Its just that neither of us feel as if we need to fulfill any "fantasies" because we're we're happy with each other, and neither of us want any more than that.
I just think that porn is pointless when you're with someone. You don't need to watch to make anything more spicy. The chemistry should already be there, and for me and my boyfriend it is.
@suggestivetongue@xanga - beautifully said!
Fine by me. I do not own my husband and I only want for his happiness. Looking is not infidelity in my book.
I'd personally rather have my SO looking at porn at home than being out at bars meeting real women. I find porn harmless and often times I think its a way for people to "learn new tricks." :)
I don't think we were automatically born with good moves in bed. Its nice to have the visual aides. I don't personally go out of my way to watch porn, but if its, say, free in your hotel room, I'm not ashamed to watch it. Well, I guess maybe I am, because I laugh/giggle a lot at it if someone else is in the room. But I don't quickly flip the channel or anything.
On the flip side though, I don't think that women that dislike porn, or dislike their men to watch porn, are prudes. I think its just a personal preference, and I don't think its wrong to disapprove, especially if its not a behavior you engage in yourself.
I do feel that porn is demeaning and objectifies women, and if I found out my husband was looking at it, I'd probably feel offended. When I think of guys looking at porn, I imagine them as being fed up with being single for too long and are using porn as a way to "get some" because they haven't been able to satisfy their sexual appetite.
I would feel offended if my husband was looking at it because I'd wonder if my body wasn't satisfying enough for him, to a point where he would have to look at other women for sexual gratification. I guess it's different for other couples, but that's just how I see it.
I think I'm in the second category of women in that I don't mind if he watches it. When I think about it, I can't say that it really bothers me because it's not like he's going to want to pursue a relationship with a woman he sees in a porno. I would be bothered if he became emotionally attached, but I don't think that would happen (I mean, that's just odd).
I have no problem with it, honestly. I'd much rather he watch porn than actually go meet someone and...er...act it out. I think the only time it would bother me is if he was more interested in the porn than in me. Then I'd have to ream him a new one
But overall, it doesn't bother me if he watches it, nor would it bother me to watch it with him.
-Katie
Pornography is demeaning to women, and to the men who are in it. It enslaves the people who view it. And it is cheating on the relationship. Would you have your spouse oggle women in a restaurant? A strip club? Pornography is no different, either way it is cheating.
While he may not be physically intimate with her, he knows her up and down in his mind.
"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.
(Matthew 5:27-30 ESV)
The fact that this is even considered a question suggests that datingish is not as insular as Xanga is.
If I had a boyfriend who secretly watched porn and denied watching it when he actually did, I'd feel offended in a way. But if he openly told me I wouldn't mind at all. I guess it's a matter of honesty for me.Â
Personally I would prefer that they tell me they're watching porn! It's basically aided masturbation, although I guess if they're jacking off to something besides me that could hurt my feelings potentially... Then again, using your imagination is twice as hard as watching people screw on TV. Laziness.
But I'd rather they be straight-up about it and not hide stuff, because that lets me know they're not watching child pornography or that loli kinda crap, or cartoon porn... because those all either warrant a call to the police and/or a break-up.
If you're single, looking at porn is completely healthy and...fun even! However, in my opinion, if you are in a serious relationship you should not be looking at naked people other than your SO. If you want to see all the naked people you want, that's fine by me. But you will not be with me, you will be single.
However, I am definitely willing to make an exception as long as it's done together. I enjoy porn as much as the next person, but I only want to see another naked man as long as my man is fully aware and doesn't mind. I want him to be enjoying it with me. And I want that feeling to be mutual. I will gladly watch porn with my SO, but if I find out he's doing it behind closed doors, we're gonna have problems!
Nope, not at all.
I would prefer that my SO looked at porn in leiu of cheating. I mean, there's much worse things he could be doing than watching a recording of random people perform rimjobs and blow jobs and foot jobs on each other.
I've never considered it cheating. Yes it is very degrading and I find it wrong, but no I do not consider it cheating.
Men (and women) do not watch porn because they desire a relationship, or because they desire closeness. It is purely for arousal. We all have our fantasies, sure, but the people watching porn (should) know that it's not "real".
As far as my SO telling me if they watch it, I'd rather just assume and not know.
I don't see anything wrong with porn. My boyfriend watches it; I watch it. Sometimes we watch it together. And we have a perfectly healthy sex life. I don't even mind if he goes to strip clubs - he doesn't often, and when he does, it's just him and a few friends getting drunk and looking at boobs. I don't see the harm in it, because I know he's coming home to me that night, and not going out with some other girl. Porn is fine as long as it's not a replacement for your sex life. It can be an aid, a side item, an occasional treat, and as long as it's not consuming, it's perfectly healthy.
I understand that some women are insecure...but you have to realize, just because you're attracted to someone, even someone naked, that doesn't mean your relationship is harmed. It's actually healthy to openly admit who you find attractive. You can't tell me that you don't see people on the street or in restaurants or in general public who you don't find attractive...you wouldn't mind seeing them naked...but really, would you want to end your relationship, or cheat your significant other by being with them? Of course not! It's a fantasy, nothing more, and porn is just a more vivid version of such fantasy. It's normal, and it's healthy.
@Tom@revelife - Sex is what drives human nature. It doesn't matter whether it is a woman putting on lipstick or a man using Just for Men hair dye. It is all a quest to get the attention of the opposite sex in order to procreate. It may be more subtle but it is the same, you wear a pretty dress because you want people to notice. You take your clothes off for money for the same reason. To draw distinction is a little hypocritical. If we all plucked out our eyes for sinning we would all be blind. Maybe it is our judgement of others and what they do that makes us blind to the light of Christ in all of us... naked and clothed. We should stop telling people to pluck their eyes out. This is how people end up in the proverbial ditch.
I believe that porn can actually be used to spice up a relationship. You could even make your own videos. Plus guys need thier porn anyways. Why do women always yell at men for having pornography?
wow, i'm surprised at the openess i read on this subject...and the divorce rate is high too, hmmm....
since no one bothered to insert "in my opinion" before their comments, i won't either.
obviously people are not choosing to experience 1 on 1 deep love that much anymore. deep love eliminates the desire to watch another naked man or woman have sex. you say you're liberated? you say you are a modern person? then join the modern - liberated status quo and pretend you don't mind when the love of your life fucks someone else while "enhancing your sex play".
I think porn is a totally random thing. You watch it when you feel like it and if I found out that my partner had been watching porn in secret, I really wouldnt mind it. If she wants to get horny before we get intimate, then hey thats fine with me. I think it's perfectly fine for guys and gals to watch porn, whether it be in secret or not.
Pornography is the worst thing that ever came out and extremely demeaning to women. Why would any woman want to be involved in something so degrading and demoralizing?? This is when i start thinking that old fashion minded people are better off because atleast they have the class to set their limits and honor....
Is porn cheating? Well the thing about porn is that it forces images outside of the relationship into the bedroom..Isnt a relationship about two people?? i might also mention that this allows people to dance around the idea of cheating.. eventhough it is not actual cheating. In this case both partners are willing to fancy the idea of other men and women to spice up the bedroom.. using these disgusting videos.. and if they both are able to get off on them... then it is their own personal business. I think that many times couples get bored of the same thing all the time and look for outside sources to heat up their sex lives. I think if this can make two people want to stay together and be happy with eachother.. then good for them.. they found something. ..atleast for the time being... I dont see porn as cheating though. I just despise it. For the door it opens for men to view women as sexual objects and for the ideas that there is an alternative to classy women (eventhough they are all over the place). I was not born yesterday and i know that fantasizing about other people happens all the time in relationships. Pornpgraphy just puts it flat on the table to see.
Honestly... i cant shake the thought of someone i Love wanting some cheap image to jerk off to. I think i would be extremely hurt because i would take it personal as if i was not enough to please him.
@killerbunnyfreak@xanga - I'm still curious as to why you think it's cheating, though. You say that you personally do not *need* it, but that alone does not constitute cheating. It's just like saying you don't need a vibrator to make yourself cum. I'm curious as to what makes your partner unfaithful if he WERE to decide he wanted to look at it?
When my ex and I were still together, we watched porn together. I was practically the one that introduced it to her. But she didn't have a problem with me watching it when we weren't together. But I guess it's mostly a generation kind of thing. I mean, my dad won't even let me work in a sex shop. But I don't think it's cheating.
@classy1524@xanga - The woman who are in pornography are incredibly strong woman. You are only degraded if you let yourself be. Look at the flip side, their is "degrading" male pornography as well. It CAN be a degrading business, but it doesn't have to be. It depends on how you go at it, and how you view it.
@Tom@revelife - Both my boyfriend and I DO "check out" the opposite sex while together in public. We both accept and understand that while we are in a commited, loving relationship- neither of us will ever stop finding other people attractive. It does not mean we want to go out and jump on every person we find beautiful, it just means we appreciate beauty.