
Dr. DatingishI've been going out with my girlfriend for the past 5 months. We
just graduated from high school and are heading to college soon. We had
a great time together during the school year, but as summer rolled along,
she got a job and I started to see her less and less.
It's getting to the
point where I only see her about once every two weeks. We barely talk
anymore because she's always tired when she gets home from work. I
tried talking to her about it and she said she doesn't know what to do.
We'll be attending different colleges, so by the time school rolls around, we won't see each other at all.
Should I end it with her right now before we both head to
college?
Comments (34)
Long distance relationships are hard, even when you're 100% commited to it. It sounds like your girl isn't. It might be easier to end it now, before you leave and grow further apart.
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i would say yes.Â
Long distance relationships can work if both parties want it to (I should know, I'm in one.). It's still hard though. There are still times when I want to just see my boyfriend for the odd hour here and there, but I can't.
The relationship relies on good time management and hard effort, which is great and you really feel wanted by each other, but it means that all the spontenaeity is just gone...
Talk to her. And if she is really willing (and really wants) to keep seeing you then stay with her if she's what you really want too.
It can work, you just have to make it work.
As for the guys saying she doesn't sound interested, or like she wants to put the effort in - tiredness can do a lot.
@Jet_Cabusao@xanga - Agreed. :)
some people believe in LDRs, others dont. it's up to you and your girlfriend to sit down and have an earnest talk about it. i started out with my bf the same way as you and your gf did...and now then we went to college. we didnt get to spend as much time together and even in college, we couldnt visit as much since he was 800 miles and a time zone away.
honestly, there are times when it gets very hard. especially when you two will adapt into your environments separately and eventually develop different interests. and sometimes you'll get thoughts asking yourself why you are doing this...if it is really worth it...and if you really are the right person for her when you cant 'be there' or even just hang out with your significant other as much as the other people there.
but.
there are times when you realize how happy you are. and even though your heart is taking a ridiculous amount of pressure... you do realize that happiness does pump from your heart.
it all falls down to you and your gf.
once you go into LDR, it's not just a commitment.
it's a strong promise of the two of you looking at a potential future.
good luck.
Very interesting. :)
I'd say sit her down again and have a heart to heart. If she truly cares, she will find time for you & her. I understand she is tired, but there should be times here and there that you two could get together. Even if she is super busy and can't really hang out, you two could do lunch during her lunch break or something maybe. There are a lot of options of getting to the bottom of this.
Don't break up with her just yet, give it some more time. If things don't change and she just isn't as committed as you would hope, end it. If she is committed, make that long distance relationship work! They take a lot of work & effort and you learn to value every moment spent talking to the other person. The surprise visits are also fun.
Go to college and have a great time. Good luck!
my best friend and his girl did long distance for about 5 years (he was in Toronto doing his PhD, and she was working in San Jose). they just got married last summer. it can be done.
I wouldn't ever, ever ask strangers that question. I have to ask myself and her, should we really try? Or would it just be better to remain close but be free to explore other people while we are apart? It's a tough decision to make, but usually ends in separation or even more pain.
Take it from someone who tried long distance her first year of college - end it now. It won't work out, especially if you're hardly talking to her now as it is. You will both be in new places, meeting new people. You will be busy and it is best to start college off without long-distance commitments to distract you from starting your new life there.
I'm in a LDR, and it is VERY VERY difficult to maintain it. If both of you are 100% committed and trust each other, go for it. It's very emotionally demanding and mentally as well. No physical affection for a long while and such. If she's worth it, why not?
But if she's not worth all this trouble and she feels the same way, I suggest you just cut it off.
I'd say--from personal experience--that in this type of situation, you should end it while it's at least sorta good.
Unless she's retardedly worth it, but it doesn't sound like it.
I think that if you want to make it work, you can do it. However, if I were you, I would take time to really evaluate what you want in life.
Example: I have a friend who's still dating his high school sweetheart, 3 years later. They're going to get married by default since they've been together so long, but I always get the feeling from him that he doesn't really love her.
He also resents that he never got to experience college as fully as he would have liked. They went off to separate colleges, and his whole college experience, he's been dating someone he hardly ever sees.
So for you, if this is a relationship you may want to continue to marriage, stick with it. But if you want the typical college experience and want to see what else is out there, it might be a good idea to break it off. And then if you were meant to be, you'll find a way back to each other when you've each discovered more of yourselves.
i'm having the same problem! :/
I was in a similar situation heading off to my first year of college. The only difference is that my boyfriend and I saw each other all the time.
Long distance relationships are hard. They require a lot of effort by both parties involved. I saw my s/o once every two weeks during our LDR, which is a fraction of what I used to see him. And that was with a lot of hard work and arranging our new schedules to include time for each other.... AND he only lived an hour and a half away. If you are going to be farther than that, imagine the increased difficulty. (We are still together, two years later. So it CAN work... if you MAKE it work).
If your girlfriend can't already include you in her schedule while you are right around the corner, there is little chance that she will be as committed as she needs to be in order to make your relationship work through college. If you are already uncomfortable with the situation at home, you will be even more miserable when you get to school and she is far away.
I'm not telling you to break up with her or stay with her... you know the situation best. But consider the words of experience from every poster on here who has endured a successful (or not) LDR.
Hmm.... It would appear that you are drifting apart. Sucks, but that is life. There are a lot of people to meet in college, I think for your sake dont keep your hopes up, but then again if you really want something just try to stick with it. From the sounds of it, it most likely will break off soon. Sorry man... thats life, and there are many many girls in college.
yes. most likely it wouldn't survive college so just get it ove with and then enjoy going to college and meeting all the new kids!
A relationship with little communication and great distance can survive it just takes a desire to make it survive from both parties and a maturity to not allow yourself to get pulled away.
Based on what you said, I am guessing that you do not currently have either the maturity or the necessary desire to make your relationship last. Thus I think you need to break up with her and preferably soon.
I say sit her down and talk to her again, if you both really want the relationship to work then you 2 can make it work, long distance or not. I have a friend who has been dating her boyfriend for these past 3 years of college, when they had started dating senior year of high school. However on the other side of the spectrum, personally I came to college in a relationship, and while it´s not the same with everyone, my opinion is that you shouldn´t start college in a relationship, especially when you´re going to different colleges. College is such a life changing experience, you learn and grow so much because you´re doing so many different things and meeting so many different people that you´re a completely different person when you leave. I personally felt like I was impeded from learning as much as I could have because I was in a relationship every semester except for my last one there. It´s a time to test the waters and see different things. But that´s just me. Again, if both of you truly want to make it work, then try your best.
You live close enough to be in the same school district and you only see each other once every two weeks?
You guys are already done. When she says, "I don't know what to do" = "I don't know how to break up with you without feeling really bad, so let me me just maintain minimum contact until we breakup organically in the fall."
I would take that bet at 4 to 1.
Do NOT take this relationship as it is now to college. It would need to improve a LOT.
Probably the best time to say,
"NEXT!"
personal experience. when he first went off to college we broke up right after because he didnt want to get hurt and we had no idea whats gonna happen.
when i went off to college we didnt break up but end up with lots and lots of insecure feelings, arguments, and fights.
long distance, even if its just a city or two away. its hard.
and since its only been 5 months for you guys. even harder...
she probably doesnt know how to end this, or how to maintain this.
its really up to you guys. its a gamble. maybe its better to end it. and if you guys are meant to be. fate will bring you guys back. just keep talking. or maybe try to make the effort to see her more often. comfort her or do something nice for her when she get off work.
if you guys aint gonna see each other anymore. end it when its still beautiful and pretty. dont wait until things turn ugly
my dude, I was in a LDR the day after I graduated with a guy several states away (we met a couple summers before hand)...didn't last even though I ended up going to the same university as him. I would say that I was committed to that relationship before we were even officially dating, seeing as how we spoke everyday for 8 or 9 months before we began dating. It seemed we were more committed to it before because when we were finally together, we didn't speak or see each other for almost a week while I was working hard to get adjusted to college life. It ended maybe 3 weeks after. Being long distance takes a lot of work. Your current girlfriend isn't even putting forth the effort to maintain a regular relationship without the added stress of a LDR, especially with that LDR being during your first year of college. and trust, it's going to be a difficult year. my relationship could last the LDR, but not my first couple weeks of college.
I recently got back from studying abroad in Italy and while I was there I had to walk 30 minutes to and from class daily, walk to the train station to go to my internship, and walk back from the train station. I had no internet. I had a cellphone and it was very expensive to call anywhere, especially to the US. My boyfriend stayed back in the states. He worked, lived off campus with no internet, had to walk to and from class, and was the president of his breakdancing club. We both had a full schedule of classes. We knew a thing or two about being tired but we rarely let a day pass where we didn't speak. we made it work any way we could. sometimes he would walk to campus at 3am to catch me on the net as soon as i got to school. he even got on a plane to come see me. i'm not trying to toot a horn or anything but i'm just tryna illustrate the way people can and will make time for eachother. if she is committed to the relationship and trying to make it work, she will make the time for you, especially with her being in close proximity. even if it's just 15 or 30 minutes a day she can squeeze you into her busy life. It doesn't sound like she is willing to, but give her the benefit of the doubt. talk to her about it, but if she doesn't shape up you will do well to save yourself the trouble of a LDR, because it's hard enough as it is already without a partner who isn't committed.
i have not seen my husband in um, 4 months? and I miss him... I think its the longest we have been appart (and we have been appart before) and may not see each other in 3 more months... I love him and sometimes life takes you one road and its upto you to decide if you can do it. He wants it, I want it, so we just do it. I suppose it depends what you want and how much you want it...