Dr. Datingish
I’m 25 years old and I'm still together with my high school sweetheart
(it's been 7 years now). We were dating for about a year and things
were good, but I started having doubts and didn't see it lasting
forever.
Then, out of the blue, her family found out that her dad was
cheating on her mom - she was devastated! She turned to me for
support, and I was there for her, but afterward, she started to have a
rough time
with anxiety (she was overcome with medication, doctors, family, etc.).
All this time, she was unknowingly keeping me in guilt in
the relationship. She'd tell me every day that she wouldn't know what
to do
without me or wouldn't have any reason to live or something along those
lines.
I just couldn't break it off with her; I felt so bad that she
wasn't well and felt like she needed me to look after her and protect
her. I do love her but I feel like I’m short-changing myself by not
experiencing more on my own. I feel like I'm being selfish but I fear
that I will just grow more unhappy or angry and always wonder. Now that
we've been together so long I feel like there is pressure to get
married and not to tell anyone how I really feel. I don't
think I really want to. I just keep thinking.
We have had great times together, which I don't regret, and she’s a
good girl; I just feel like I never really got to have a lot of fun and
I’ve been playing "house" or "grownup" when I should have been
experiencing and doing more and I'm frustrated.
Not sure what to do - should I commit or break it off?
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Comments (63)
Dr. Datinish, the new Dear Julie?
Break it off, be there as her friend. There's a good chance that you'll crush her and that she won't be your friend, but hey, you gotta "have a lot of fun," right?
better one's parents separate early, so that when they reach maturity they already understand that perfect lasting relationships are one in 100.
Be a man and do what you SHOULD have done years ago. Break it off. Don't string her along any more.
compromise nothing.
Break it off. If you are not in the relationship because you fully and completely want to be then you are shortchanging yourself and her.
there's a difference between LOVING someone, and being IN LOVE with someone.
Dude... listen to yourself, your not happy, so it wouldnt be right to short change yourself by staying with her. Be honest and sit down with her and let her know how you feel. It aint easy, but you gotta look at how its gonna be if you are gonna be miserable. So be man and go do what you need to do.
Break it off, you've already wasted some valuable time. You will grow to resent her as time goes on and might want to go elsewhere to be happy. It seems like that relationship has been over and it is time to move on. She'll be hurt if you leave, but be more hurt if you stay and are unhappy with her. I'm sorry for the both of you. Good luck.
I say break it off. There is a difference between being IN LOVE with someone and LOVING someone. The good times that you've had could have been had as just friends. If you need to just talk to her. Tell her how you feel. And if you can't say it to her face, write a letter. Not an e-mail or a text, but a genuine letter. Pour it out and hopefully she will understand.
A suggestion may be to just take some time to yourself to figure out what you want. Date someone else for a while and do some things on your own, and if you find yourself thinking about her, then you know you weren't just sticking around because you felt that you needed to.
I also noticed that you said "She'd tell me every day that she wouldn't know what to do without me or wouldn't have any reason to live or something along those lines". A person doesn't need to be dependant on someone to the point that their life is would mean nothing if the person was gone. It's unhealthy and she probably should learn to love herself before trying to love someone else. It's her turn to be selfless like you have been for the past 7 years.
I wish you best of luck with what ever you choose.
i think there are several things to consider before making a decision:
1) will you ever find someone who'd be that loyal to stick around for 7 years? as much as you put effort into keeping this relationship together, she did too. you might regret letting go someone because often we're far too blind to treasure what's in front of us.
2) marriage will always eventually reach a plateau down the road, and if you can't really grow to be happy throughout 7 years with someone, how will you handle 7 years down the road with someone else? maybe there's another way to work around it other than breaking it off.
3) i think she really does love you.
do a little bit of both. if possible, break things off with her but keep in touch and stay friends. i was in the same situation, granted it lasted almost 2 years and not 7, i became miserable, angry and the person started developing and bringing out the most undesirable traits in me. trust me, in the end it's worth it to break things off. you're being unfair to her and unfair as well as cheating yourself. think about it... if you feel it's not working out now, how the hell do you think it's going to wind up if you marry her? the longer you wait, the more you commit, the messier it'll be and you'll just ultimately be pulling the trigger to emotional suicide.
if it's not going anywhere and you are miserable, why stay? how happy will you be if you stay for another 3 months? 12 months?
It sounds like you are overall not happy in your relationship. If this is the case, do what's best for you and break it off.
But.
You say you feel short changed... like you aren't having the fun you need to be having. Does this kind of fun have to come with being single? Does it involve other girls? If so, again, break it off. BUT if it doesn't... there are ways to sit down and talk it out with your girl. Maybe she feels the same way. Maybe you two can come to an understanding and make it work. Give each other some more space, try new things, and get out there and do all the things you want to do in life. It might even turn your relationship into an amazing one. Having a girlfriend doesn't necessarily have to stop you... It worked for me.
If you love her, and if it's possible, you'll find a way to make it work without leaving.
but... but... she might die
Feeling obligated to stay in a relationship is not really loving someone. You need to have a talk with her and get out of it. She needs to overcome these feelings of insecurity on her own and she can't latch onto you in order to over keep her afloat. While your intentions are in the right place, they're really not helping either you or her and your resentment will just continue to grow.
Break up.
Break up. Much better now than after marriage.
I would break it off but not because you feel like you are not getting enough out of the relationship. I think that if you honestly feel like you are not getting enough out of the relationship then you probably are not giving everything to the relationship.
I just caution you, do it cleanly, do not say that you want to take a break and date other people. Make it clear to her that you want NO MORE relationship with her because she will never learn to stand on her own if you continue to allow her to lean on you totally.
Be considerate. Don't mention a thing about you wanting to "experience more" because that makes you sound like a total jerk. Explain to her that you want absolutely no contact for 60 days. Only after that point would you even consider being friends with her. Enforce and respect that distance.
I don't care how much you care for her, if you decide to break it off you are not doing her any favors by continuing to allow her to lean on you.
Whatever you do DO NOT COMMIT IF YOU ARE NOT 100% THERE. Honestly, if you can't commit 100% then SHE deserves more. Just make sure that you are totally sure before you do it and make sure you don't turn back.
Good luck.
i see all the breakup comments, and besides all-in or nothing, perhaps consider including her in the decision?
namely, telling her how you feel and the cause of those feelings, may be there are things that she'd like to change for the better of both of you that she just never realized.
have some two-way communication before you decide, will give you better grounds to make your decision, as well as prevent any what-if's in the future when you look back. she may have more potential than she seem, as we all have thoughts that we may not have shared with our loved one.
best wishes.
Honesty, it's a beautiful thing. I say be honest with her about your thoughts on it all. Sometimes when life gets crazy people use manipulation unknowingly to maintain some form of stability. The thing is you were with her before that. If you can get counseling or something and get back to a healthy relationship, awesome. If you guys work through it it would be great. However if your with a girl 7 years an still not married.... thats a long time to be with someone without making up your mind. Thats a lot of time to just throw away.
I say work out your own issues, then help her work out her issues, then decide. I say work out your own issues because if you let yourself be manipulated with guilt and don't say anything about it then you have some issues to work through.
If you don't see it lasting forever, then break it off. If you stay with her you are just wasting her time.
It would be much better for you to break things off now and finally experience single life as an adult [dating in high school is much different imo than when you're grown] than to stay and harbor these feelings of regret.
It'll be incredibly hard to do but it just sounds like if you continue down this path, then you'll start to blame her eventually for how you feel.
And that's just not cool.
Good luck with everything and I hope it all works out for the best.
Live your life. You won't regret it.
I'm pretty sure you know the answer within you -- all you need is to have the knowledge that you have support for your actions... Well, I guess you found it here in the many comments ;)
Do you honestly believe that marrying her will cause you to stop wondering "what if"? If you've been wondering all this time, then you'll probably always wonder unless you do something about it.