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Mr. Macchiato A good friend of mine is a successful lawyer at one of the top law firms in town. She's also a single girl in her early 30's. *cue dramatic music*
Over time, she's found that her career success has made dating hard. She has no problem dating guys considered "less successful" than her (by society) - in fact, she is drawn to the artist type, and it's hard to be a successful artist. But while it's no problem for her, the guys often have problems dealing with her relative success.
She dated this one guy for years: Pierre worked as a temp while pursuing his real passion as an artist on nights and weekends.
He had almost no money and so after they fell in love, he moved in with her (they were spending all their time together anyway, so it just seemed to make sense). But after that, his passion for art kinda sputtered out and I think maybe he blamed her.
Over time, the resentment grew. Pierre couldn't really afford to go to nice dinners or to go on trips... she was happy to pay for it, but it just seemed to make things worse. Eventually he started making comments about how she was a "corporate lawyer" and how he was a true "artiste". Ugh... who wants to hear that? She seemed to be OK with it though... the positives outweighed the negatives.
Eventually though, Pierre broke up with her! I was shocked... mostly because I couldn't imagine how he was going to make ends meet without her. But I guess it makes sense in retrospect. His ego had a hard time dealing with her success and his (relative) failure. In one sense it was good for him: he was spurred on to apply to graduate schools in art, and get his own career going. But in another sense, it was sad: my friend was very sad that their relationship had fallen apart and ended. They were actually really good for each other, other than this one issue.
As a guy, I can empathize with the issue: it's hard to struggle with failure, while you see someone close to you achieve success. I guess this is why Jessica Simpson's first marriage blew up... she became a megastar, while Nick Lachey was "Jessica Simpson's husband". Still, I hope I could rise above that! I mean, if you love someone and they are successful... isn't their success a good thing?
I think modern women have it tough. On the one hand, they're supposed to be independent and stand on their own two feet. But on the other hand, sometimes that can become an issue for their prospective mates. In a world where the man has historically been the "breadwinner", it can be tough for the guy to reverse those roles.
Ladies: have you ever had to deal with jealousy from your mate? Would it bother you if your husband wasn't the breadwinner?
Guys: could you deal with dating a woman who wildly more successful (and wealthier) than you?
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Comments (54)
Pierre sounds like a pretentious ass.
Throw her number my way I will date her. I have no problems dating someone who is more "successful" than me.
I don't think that men are intimidated by successful or powerful women. I think men don't want to date them because these women tend to be busy and men want women to be there for them whenever they need them (men are pathetic like that). I don't think it has anything to do with money, power, or success.
I can't even think of a thing to say to this except...
Many negative thoughts about this post. LOL! Not the writing, but just the mindset that most people have about this.
If you can't accept that someone else is more successful than you - weaksauce. Explore your talents! Go to school! Become successful! Oh hey, look, you're as successful as your partner! Not to mention you're both now probably filthy rich, and you get to say that your partner helped to dynamically change your life for the better.
Now how is that a bad thing?
I would have no problem being the financial backbone in a relationship, as long as my SO isn't just lazy. It's one thing if you're a struggling artist/student/whatever or you're between jobs or something like that, but if they're just gonna sit around all day literally enjoying the fruits of my labor and not even make an effort to contribute...yeah no.
Currently, I make more than my fiance. Sometimes it is a little awkward when I pull out my card to pay for the meal or whatever, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't love it, either, but right now, that's how it is. In a month or so, I won't have this job anymore and then we'll see how things stand.
I am an accountant in a large firm, with potential for major growth (possible partner level in the future) and I have faced things like this. Its hard if your partner cannot accept that of you.
Now I find myself drawn to men that are much more settled and comfortable with who they are and what they are doing (no matter what field they are in) because they seem to have less issues with dating successful women.
It would definitely not bother me if I were more successful. I don't think it matters who is more successful.
Ambitious, goal oriented, and successful women are the most attractive women. If my wife's salary doubled mine I would have no problem with that. I can still be the man of the house if I make less money.
it's tough. it sucks. it also adds to the fact that smooth talking deadbeats try to take advantage of your kindness and generosity.
it never used to bother me if the guy wasn't the breadwinner, but because these issues seem to turn them into such headcases, i've had to add it to my "laundry list" of requirements for guys. financially he's gotta within the same tax bracket or higher... cuz if he's in a lower tax bracket, even if he doesn't have a complex now, 9 times out of 10, he'll develop one later.
When one person is successful, both people are successful. You need a support system to keep the relationship afloat, this includes jobs too. If people are successful and they work hard at the relationship too, I'm all for it
aw. tough luck. it's hard to overcome class and 'success' differences, especially if one person in the relationship is in the arts. i long ago decided that to make their artsy careers work, artistes have to seek one another. it makes it so much easier. if an artiste and a non-artiste get together, one person's career is bound to trump the other, in time, schedule, and creativity (non or too much).
It may be chauvinistic, but I'm old-school when it comes to this.
If I cannot afford to support a woman, I will either find a way to be able to support her, or I will not go into a relationship with her. When I was a poor kid with little money, I used my skills to make money. I will find a way.
When the once-successful company I built from the ground up with my own hands and hard work went under, my longtime Now-Ex left me because I couldn't afford to support her anymore (she actually admitted this).
I realized then, that it's not what you've done or accomplished in your past, it's not your pedigree or your potential -- it's whether you are a valid mate NOW or not. And I ceased being valid to her, even though I told her I would rebuild what I lost from the foundation into something better.
The fact was, at the time, I had become poor again; she was still somewhat successful, and that didn't match up in her vision. I would have stayed and worked through it. She didn't feel the same.
The part that kills me the most is that if the situation were reversed, not only would I not care that she lost her job -- I wouldn't care if she didn't want to "work" another day of her life and spend her time in pursuit of music or art or whatever else made her happy under my care.
yup, been there. Â still there.
Guys need to get over their ego. So what if she makes more money than you. If you love her you should be happy for her and spend the free money she offerers you! lol Why can a woman do it but a man can't. These are the times. Woman are rising up and men need to move over and make room for use and accept us. I know it's hard but they can still try
Sometimes, but it's not really serious.
I'm the one that gets jealous when I fail while he's achieving good stuff >__< haha.
I don't think it'd bother me that much, but I want us to both, equally, be breadwinners.. if that's even possible haha.
I make good money, often matching or better than the guys I've dated. But it hasn't ever been an issue for me, because though I make such "great" money I still have 2 kids to raise and that puts me a far greater financial pinch than the guys I've dated who make less than I do. Even with child support coming in, money is still tight. So, I think that puts us at least on even par, or him freer with his money than I am.
I have most definitely dealt with jealousy and eventual breakups over my success because the guy I was dating felt threatened by me. I've had an extremely successful academic career and am going towards a very prestigious career in medicine. I have had times where I have gotten along extremely well with a man and then once he found out about my history and career goals, we magically don't speak again.
I wouldn't care if my husband wasn't a breadwinner between us, but I would want him to be able to contribute monetarily. As long as he was doing something he loved and we were doing well, who cares?
i think a girl that successful could find someone that shares the same interests and so it would make sense to find someone just as successful, if not more, to be companion. that "artist" just need to wake up and smell the coffee and get a day job while pursuing his fantasy as an "artist". props for the successful lady tho, to be able to put up with that kind of crap from a guy.
@cokeaddict@xanga - so true!
whaaaaa???? im down, i grew up with conservative parents, maybe cuz of that, psychologically im pushing a different mindset forward. yeaah!! as long as she likes my paintings. is all goood.
I'm not more "successful" than my significant other. But once we took a class in college together... and he dropped out because I was doing better than him. I offered to help him, but I think that just made it worse. We are both art students, and he doesn't want to take any art classes together because he thinks it will be "too competitive." This mind set bothers me. Aside from these two incidents it has never surfaced in our relationship. It seems minor, but I worry about the future. I am a naturally motivated hard worker/perfectionist. If I prove to be too successful in the future, will that just screw things up?
It's unnecessary stress on the relationship. The guy should just love her for who she is, and if she is successful, he should be proud of her accomplishments. It says nothing about him except that he has great taste in women.
@beachblondie711@xanga - the fact that it's "competitive" and not "collective" is what bothers me. there's a point where artists work together to bounce ideas off of each other. open minds. isn't that the point?
ha. i wouldnt mind at all if the woman was the breadwinner. i joke with my mother about that all the time since i'm goin' into the Marines and want to get involved with film. she's afraid i'll never find someone cause i''ll be poor and women don't want to be breadwinner for the men.
Oh geez, my boyfriend of 3 and a half years is an "artiste." I'm so glad I have this to look forward to. :(