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Miss Double ShotSomeone visited Datingish after Googling "should you be brutally truthful when breaking up with a lover?". I thought about it, and while it's a normal question at face value, when I started to think about it, I got a little concerned.
There are a couple of implications that go along with the question:
1. The two aren't on the same page.
2. There hasn't been complete honesty in the relationship - there are problems that have neither been addressed nor resolved. Withholding feelings and problems is still dishonest!
3. The reader isn't opposed to dealing low blows for the sake of the breakup - I think that if you care enough about the person to date him, you should respect him enough not to knock him down with hurtful words post-breakup. Burning bridges is unnecessary.
But who knows? Maybe our Googler is a girl trying to break up with a cyclops because she can't stand having to give him intense Visine treatments every hour. I don't know the situation and can't make a fair judgment.
So, should you be brutally truthful when breaking up with a lover? Am I reading too much into the question?
Comments (28)
truthful does not have to be brutal. geez! is everyone in the world so coddled that if someone tells them the truth it's construed as being brutal!?!? sheesh!
there's a way to tell people the truth without destroying them. just pick that method.
people these days underestimate the importance and value of being honest.
You can be truthful without being brutal. It's called tact.
The one thing that I hate the most is being lied to. I rather know the truth upfront then be left in the dark only to find out later on the road which would only hurt me more.
If you're breaking up with someone to be with someone else...then yeah, with a little tact, be honest about that. Because finding out later really does hurt worse than finding out at the start. At least you have a reason.
If you're breaking up with someone just because you're no longer interested, well then be honest about that, but don't start listing all of their faults that annoyed you in the past. That's just rude!
Of course, you have to be truthful with the person you're breaking up with, but it doesn't have to be brutal. :\
truthful in a less brutal manner. why add salt to the wound when it's already broken up. tho sometimes you might want to be vague. If it doesn't work you don't have to justify it.
Yes. I believe you should tell the Cyclops, "I only date people with two eyes. I'm sorry."
Yes... I stand by it!
This has to do with one's attitude toward hearing the truth.
Do you cover your ears and pretend to not hear it because it hurts? Or do you stand and take it, knowing that whatever this person is telling you about yourself that they don't like may help you improve as a person?
Hear it all, emotional BS included.
Then decide yourself whether each complaint was relevant or irrelevant to you. And whether each complaint was valid or invalid.
If she/ he' simply being mean and vindictive, throwing out low blows that are not the truth, simply ignore.
But many times, even mean and vindictive words possess some element of truth. It is that truth in your behavior or actions that you must look to and self-evaluate. If this person tells you, for example, that you stink the air around you, it would be a good idea to evaluate your personal hygiene. And if this person tells you that you are bad in bed, find a way to develop your skills so this is no longer a valid complaint in the future.
As with all things, evaluate the situation, decide on your course of action, and execute.
Pain may be valid, but pain is irrelevant.
There is no need to be brutally honest while breaking up unless the other party just can't seem to understand it is over. Breaking up is hard enough, why make it hurt anymore?
you should definitely be direct and tell the whole truth, but the brutality part is unnecessary.
The "reader" seems un-necessarily mean and vindictive, just from what I understand here.
Anybody willing to deal low blows without valid justification is a petty brute of a person. Now I have to admit, we have very little information to go by here. Maybe the "reader" actually does have valid justification to be brutal -- maybe she found her guy sleeping with her best friend, who knows? But without that information, we cannot begin to weigh the merits or demerits of this reader's situation.
As for YOUR question though, Miss, I would say "No."
Brutal is one word. Honesty is another. They can go together, but they definitely do not have to.
Honesty comes from BENEvolence toward the person. You WANT them to improve themselves, if not for being with you, so that they can become a better person after you.
Brutality comes from MALEvolence toward the person. You WANT to hurt them with your words, maybe in retaliation for pain caused to you, but it has nothing to do with why the truth should be told in the first place.
Brutality is like sewage. Pour a cup of sewage into a barrel of wine, and you have a barrel of sewage. It doesn't matter if one is being honest when brutality is added. The honesty is no longer benevolent, and simply becomes a tool of malevolence for the brutal.
Shouldn't you ALWAYS be brutally honest?
I was brutally truthful.
i would leave out the unnecessary stuff.
like "and i hated it when you..."
bc he wouldn't need to hear that.
he'd just "hate" me more and would want more to break up.
after i break up with an ex, i would want him to think the best of me.
i agree with cokeaddict. why does being honest always have to be considered brutal. say whatever you need to say to get the message across regardless of how its going to make the other person feel. most people would want that from you while youre dumping them anyway. but if you're saying "truth" out of spite, then perhaps its better left unsaid because its only counterproductive.
my boyfriend always tells me that if i decide to break up with him, i should come up with legit reasons why im ending it. he'd want to know what he did wrong so he can improve for the next one who comes along.
like a bandaid, do it quick and get it over with. why agonize each other and have it drag on with breaking up over a two week period. it's over. burn the bridge.
Constructive criticism! You should be honest but there is no need to be mean.
I had a brutually honest talk to with a friend of mine last night--and it was one of the more liberating talks we have had--the reality of it is this, if you are never honest in the beginning it sucks, and makes things harder in the end...Breaking up is never easy and the truth will come around eventually to bite either one of you--its good to be honest with them even when its over...So being honest with yourself and them is the greatest thing you can do...even though it will be hard...its all good though and your friendship will be better off in the long run!
@Endless21Echos@xanga - you are so right--if you aren't honest in the beginning, it's really difficult to be honest in the end.
I agree with most of the comments--you can be truthful without being brutal. If you really care(d) about that person, why would you want to devastate them? There's no need for that. Just be honest and direct. That way, even if though it's painful, you didn't run their feelings into the ground.
I'd say truthful, but tactfully. Whenever I'm rejected or broken up with and the guy says, "you're a great girl, just not my type," I don't know how honest he's really being. I'll think I'd rather be told, "you're a bad kisser" or "you annoy me" or "you're shy and I want someone more outgoing"
But on the other hand, doesn't being dumped suck enough without being told you're a loser?
I think if they did something terribly wrong, then it's fair game to tell them, if you don't think there will be violence afterwards, but if it's something they can't really change, like you don't find them attractive or their personality isn't what you like, then spare them the hurt feelings.
@the_last_kiss - I totally agree. You can be honest without being brutal. No need to break up Simon Cowell style.
@hopelessromantic - amen
Like people before me have said: truth is not always brutal.
If you bothered to date someone you didn't like in the first place, you cannot use the word "honesty" any longer! I mean, you're a liar! There is no such thing as brutal honesty here....
Plus, really, if it's a personalty trait that cannot be changed(or a physical trait), spare them the hurt, please.Â
Think about it; would YOU want to hear it when you're being dumped? If not, spare them.Â
I think, being brutally honest is fair. Because, if you're breaking up with someone, there has to be a legitimate reason, and if it's legitimate, it should be expressed.
No one deserves to be dumped, and find out the real reason later. If they were once your significant other, they deserve the truth.
I had an ex who did that. He lied to me upfront and then told his friends something totally disrespectful about me. I hope he likes all those key scratches on his car.