by
Mr. Macchiato
I have a friend I have lunch with now and then. I always enjoy breaking bread with him, but I can't stand how he talks down to the wait staff! He is incredibly condescending to them - when he orders, he refuses to look the waiter in the eye. If the kitchen is slow, he'll even make remarks about the service while the waiter is still in earshot! Ugh, the embarrassment...
He is always super nice to me though. I wasn't sure how to reconcile that, until one day I came across an article that put it bluntly: "A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, or to others, is not a nice person."
The article had more: ""Watch out for people who have a situational value system, who can turn the charm on and off depending on the status of the person they are interacting with. Be especially wary of those who are rude to people perceived to be in subordinate roles." (
source)
Since then, I have always looked for how someone treats the wait staff - whether I'm on a date or at a business dinner. In my professional and personal life, I just can't trust someone who is nice to me but rude to the waiter. It is my #1 dating pet peeve.
I'm not the only one that thinks this - one survey by a dating service found 52% of people thought that being rude to waiters ranks as the #1 breach of dating etiquette! Number two was blowing your nose at the table (35%).
Does it bother you if a date is rude to the waiter or waitress? What's your #1 dating pet peeve?
Comments (56)
I think all of humanity should be required to work in food service or the retail industry at some point in their life just so they can know how to be HUMAN. people treat other people like servants and lesser humans just because they are bringing them food or ringing them up. it's terrible. I find it respulsive when someone condescends or demeans people like that.
yes, that bothers me. but i also know of people who are nice to others they barely know (like waiters/acquaintances/etc) yet disrepectful to people close to them. these are the people im actually MORE concerned about...
date or no date. if i'm out with someone and they're unduly rude to the staff, they are immediately axed from my social address book. unless the staff is being rude to you (or anyone at your table) or ripping you off, there is never a reason to be rude to them. and even then, you can always take the high road and just not tip them (and write their boss a scathing note regarding the crap service you received).
That's a pretty classic rule of how to judge character-- see how they treat service staff, and animals. It tells you how they behave when their guard is down or when they aren't actively trying to impress someone.
Another one is I always heard it said to watch how a guy treats his mother, as if you end up married to him that's how he'll eventually treat you.
Mine is - just because you're paying for the food, does not mean you can eat mine too! At least ask before you start picking things off my plate!!
I had that happen on a first (and only) date once, and it got to the point where I just shoved my plate over to the guy and told him he could have it.
I'll be rude to wait staff if they have been rude to me. They're there to do a job, and that job is to serve my dinner. If they can't do so in an effective and unobtrusive manner, then they need to find another job, period.
Generally, though, that's true. If someone is rude to wait staff for no reason, then yes, it's time to find another date.
Any kind of behavior that says he thinks he's better than everyone else is a turnoff.
Well, this is more a question of your own values then. If you insist that people have to be nice to everyone, you're identifying that as a trait you desire.
And that's fine. We all have things we like. But in your article you make the error of thinking that everyone will demand that, and this, I think, is assuming too much. There are plenty of people I know who frankly don't care how nice someone is in general, as long as he/she is nice to them. There are even those who would see being nice to everyone as a maladaptive trait (Wall Street, I'm looking at you.)
The statistic you quoted is hardly enough to make this a universal truth - it means that only about half of people think it's an important issue. Put another way, roughly half of dating people do not find it an important issue.
probably talking on the phone... and being rude to the server.
being rude to the waiter or waitress is definitely a turn-off. i'd be embarrassed and would get the hell out of there even even leaving less than 15% as tip gets to me. you dont mess with people serving your food. haven't you seen the movie Waiting?
#1 dating pet-peeve would be not paying. i'm not trying to say im some gold-digging bitch, but if you asked me out, i think its your duty to pay. inversely, if i asked you out, i'd assume responsibility.
#2 would be not planning out the date. picking me up then asking, "what do you want to do?" tells me you weren't prepared for this. i like a man who takes charge so tell me what we're doing instead of asking me what to do. if i dont like it, i'll let you know and i'll make a suggestion. take the initiative to get this date going.
As a man I think it's important for the ladies to try observe not only how he treats the waitstaff, but also how he tips them. If he isn't tipping well he's cheap and he doesn't have respect for the waitstaff. If he doesn't respect them, he won't respect you.
yes, it bothers me when someone is rude to a waiter, waitress or someone working in a retail store.
Dating pet peeve. I've never put it any order. But one is lateness. I'm not talking 5-15 minutes late. I'm talking 30 mintues to an hour late. Unless they have an very, very good excuse.
Considering that I'm a punctual being, I hate it with a passion when the other one's late - especially if it's a first date, because that's not the best way to impress, now is it?
Also, talking on the phone during during the date, or being too absent-minded. Blowing noses don't piss me off too bad, it's a little unattractive, but then again, so is farting and burping...why isn't that number number two?
That's definitely a turn-off.
That, and checking out the waitress.
-_-
xP
fortunately for me, i've been lucky never to have such people in my life. i think that if i had met people like this and were close to me, it would be a pet peeve to me too. though since i haven't had that experience, my biggest pet peeve are those who have road rage when they drive. i don't mind people who drive at 140km/hr as long as they have long have a good following distance from car to car and aren't weavers.
Checking out other girls or making lewd comments about other girls... that is just weird. I'm like, "Um, why did you ask me out again? I'm gonna go now, thanks. I have better things to do with my time. later, gator"
Yes, i have to completely agree! It's so rude. Waitresses and waiters are people too, they don't deserve to be treated like sh*t. I think the way your date treats the waiter is a fine reflection of how he/she COULD be. One minute they're on a pedestal in your eyes and in the next they're just .. dumbasses!
in addition to my drive-by dropoff, can i add the pick up?
I can't stand when a guy comes to pick me up for a date, but instead of coming and knocking on the door, he calls from the driveway to announce that he's here. Can you exert no effort? I mean I always try to look out for them and be ready for them. But if I'm not, am I not worth a trip to the door?
I used to be a waitress in a small town. I find that how people treat the servers is a huge indication of what they are really like. Bigshot businessmen sometimes leave fifty cent tips. Broke students sometimes leave everything in their wallet as a tip for just coffee. "Sweet" soccer moms can give you more attitude than that weird schizo guy who twitches.
On my first date with my (now) husband, he was really nice to the waitress without flirting with her. I could see on his face when the check came that dinner cost more than he planned, but he left a 20% tip anyway. This alone really impressed me!
For one thing, Americans are way too obsessed with "nice" and not obsessed enough with "efficient" America is the most unsophisticated country in the devloped world because of emotionalism and superficial civility. Countries like Japan and Germany are much more impersonal and therefore efficient. Americans are getting fat, lazy and stupid on more efficient countries' products. You should be thankful for your friend because he is obviously a very conscious person who thinks he is usually dealing with a bunch of idiots but finds you to be the exception.It's a terrible thing to be more conscious than the general mainstream public because people Are in such bad shape mentally. they eat crappy food and are obsessed with mundane bull sh-t and gross materiality.Europe is more sophisticated but they also have their problems. america is the cheese burger idiot cpitol of the world with a 60% obesity rate.
I think eating in restaurants is as obnoxious an experienc as going to the movie theater where smelly people are eating disgusting food and rattling plastic candy wrappers. Servic in restaurants is pathetic and restaurants themselves are obsolete to any intelligent person who has been keeping up with evolution. Just think about it, you go to a room where there are fat and ugly people who think food is a recreational medium instead of medicine for the body. the tables are always too claose to the smellye eating something disgusting and unhealthy. whe servers are constantly bugging you ..they are agressive because they want their tip or they need the table to be cleared or some other alterior motive that has nothing to do with your comfort or satisfaction. It's an animal farm. Restaurants herd people through like cattle so they can get their money but they cloak it in the customary superficial civility. I have no sympathy for servers because it takes a pretty wicked person to want that kind of job in the first place.
My dating pet peeve is the cell phone checker.
We're on a date, and if you decide to answer you're cell and check up with the bros then that's an obvious sign that you're not interested and that you're not getting any.
Also bad table manners, I mean I'm not miss prim and proper but my date should know better than showing me his food as through his chomping teeth during his exciting story.
uhh definitely time to run... that's a nice combo for special sauce spit burgers
yea i think it's important for ppl to treat everyone nicely~
omg my family LOVES the waitress/waiters...we always make friendly conversation that lasts so long...its not like its the title they are watiresses or waiters..they're people too..your're friend you had lunch with HAD to start somewhere below on the status chart to be where he is now..i think maybe he forgot that...evryone gotta start somewhere..plus the wait staff gets tips like crazy!!!!! one of my friends got about 500 dollars in one day in tips, which is more than some ppl's paychecks!!!!
anyway my biggest peeve is when a guy picks up his phone on a date..hate it!