Dr. DatingishWe get a lot of advice requests here at Datingish, so we're launching a new feature: Dr. Datingish! But rather than have a single person give advice, we thought we'd put each question out to the entire Datingish community.
Here's our first question... help a fellow reader out?
Dear Dr. Datingish,I am 19 and I have been dating my first ever girlfriend for almost 2 years now. She has had several boyfriends but our relationship is by far her longest and most serious, second to a year-long boyfriend who turned out to be totally gay.
We are going to the same college in the fall and I opted out of living together at the last minute, out of doubts about my ability to handle that responsibility. We have broken up twice this year, the first time about 12 hours and the second about 3 days. I only recently realized that I have been having doubts the entire time. Even though I knew it the whole time, I guess reading the comments on Mr. Macchiato's post about
stupid breakup excuses made me realize I have to break up with her.
The problem is this. I am all for severing ties, but in about 12 hours her parents are officially starting the divorce process. My girlfriend has exactly one friend that she can really talk to, and that is me. She has attempted suicide several times before, once while we have been dating. Her father is a strong willed man and the one she sides with in the divorce, but I don't know if he will fully be able to take care of her after I break up with her.
I know I can't stay with her just because I'm afraid how much it will hurt her, but I don't want to push her fragile emotional state to catastrophic. What can I do?
- Having Doubts and Trapped
Comments (24)
Have you made it clear in the past that you are her close and supportive friend, no matter what happens romantically? If not, you might be screwed. You need to talk to her. See how she feels about things. Assure her that you will be there for her no matter what. Maybe you both need a break--maybe she's thought of that too but didn't want to bring it up? What she needs is a supportive friend, one not susceptible to the ebbing and flowing of romance. Help her realize that. And help her get help for her problems. She's going to need counseling, some guidance and a lot of care, and if you don't think her father is going to be supportive, you should be the man she needs to step up and make sure she gets help. Be strong for her and while you should be clear you're not promising anything romantic, be there for her.
Well, if you still care about her, you can be there for her to help her through the break up. You can still be her friend. It's a fragile process but it can be done. That's really hard though. Maybe talk to her father about it before you do it, if that's possible, just so he can also be sure to be there for her too, since he may be preoccupied with his own stuff if you don't tell him outright.
I think you should take care of yourself. She should seek the advice of a professional therapist.
It's not your job to save her. That sounds incredibly harsh, I know, but having stood in similar shoes, I also know that it is exceedingly difficult to accept that someone who is supporting you, who used to date you, just wants to be that caring, supportive soul, not your boyfriend. It's another blow in the long line of 'why am I not good enough?!'
Now, I'm not saying drop her and let her figure it out, but you should really suggest that she seek professional help. If her parents can't be parents during this divorce (and it's possible, my ex and I did it when we got divorced), then boo on them. If you're going to college, then she's going to find herself more isolated than she felt before.
Be there for her without emotionally wearing yourself out. That's a good start, but she has to want to want out, too. And that's incredibly hard. Hang in there. I wish you both the best.
I went through something like this with my ex boyfriend. We'd been together for 2 years when I realized that it wasn't meant to be and I also realized that I wanted to be with someone else, so I knew I had to end the relationship. The problem was that I was really the only close friend he had and my family was also the only family he really had. His dad wasn't really around and his mom was permanently hospitalized. I kept thinking, how can I deprive this person I've loved for so long of the one person he can count on. I broke up with him a couple times only to get back together with him after only a day or so. Eventually I decided that while I wanted to make him happy, I also needed to make sure that I was happy. So, I just broke up with him, but I let him know that I wanted to be there for him, too.
Basically, you just have to be honest with her and with yourself. Tell her why you feel the way you do and let her know that if she still wants you around as a friend and someone she can count on that you would want that, too. Of course she's going to be hurt, but you can't spend the rest of your life in a relationship that you're not completely satsified with.
And also, if you know that she is not meant for you, ending the relationship only makes it possible for you both to find "the one".
Good Luck!
As much as you care about not hurting her, you would be better off talking to her about the situation. You are not going to be happy if you stay with this girl. If you feel like you can be friends through the breaking up process, say that. Make it clear that you are willing to be there in a friendship capacity but not a boyfriend capacity. It's only going to hurt her even more (and probably yourself as well) if you prolong an inevitable break up.
OH wow, this one is tough. I've never been in that situation but I know that just staying with her while her parents are going through the divorce isn't going to help her in the end. Be a friend, let her know that you care but also let her know that by you breaking off the relationship doesn't mean that she still can't come to you for a shoulder when she needs it. Also, be prepared to be there for her even if you two are no longer dating.
Good luck. I hope this helps some with your decision.
there will always be something else, you will be trapped in this cycle unless you get out. if you want to be her friend that's your call just keep in mind she will be calling you everyday for quite some time. hope you guys didnt decide to go to the same college just to be together, career is way more important. focus on the future.
I would bet money that she is going to try and kill herself again sometime after you break up with her.
It's going to be really tough to reassure her that you'll be there for her as a friend without her feeling abandoned - which in a sense is what you are doing since you guys took the relationship to a level where certain expectations were made.
My general feeling is that you got yourself into a really big hole (should people even be thinking about living together when they aren't really independent themselves?) and you're going to need to do a whole lot to get yourself out of it cleanly.
In gneeral, though, I like the first comment. Talking to the dad might help. Just walking away is another, yet ugly, option
I wish to tell you this situation would be easy--in-fact its one of the hardest decisions you will have to come to face--except maybe a few other things in your life...but let's face it we all want to be unconditionally loved by someone else and to believe in that fairy-tale ending. The truth is life is full of unexpected adventures--starting college in the fall is definitely one of those times where you need to remain firm in who you are and what you believe in--otherwise it can turn out being a disaster--I know from my own personal experience...I was in-love or what I thought love was during my senior and freshman year of college--the truth is I never knew how to grow on my own during this time I relied on him (the guy I dated) to help me through everything--and the truth is...I should have just ended things when he wanted to end them...it would not have hurt me as much as it did the following fall when I came home. So my advice is--Trust your instinct, and if you feel like you need this time to discover who you are and what you want out of life--I think that she should be able to realize that, its hard, and challenging--but we all go through this period, most of us all fall in-love at a young age--but the truth is we need to learn how to fly on our own and be able to be comforable in our own skin...Sure you may feel this already, but I never knew about it until recently. My point is this: FOLLOW YOUR HEART...and if clearly you want to let go and move forward do so with grace, but know that it may never be the same between you and her--but what really matters at the end of the day is your OWN HAPPINESS...That's what will get you through everyday of every year...
Is there any way to help her find some other friends too? Because in the (very very difficult) situation that she is facing, she may need more than you can give by yourself.
thing is, the longer you stay with her, the harder it will be in the end for her when you do break up. And I agree with Shadow720, there will always be something else.
She is still ultimately responsible for herself, for choosing not to commit suicide, and to choose to move on and make other friends. It's not fair to you to have to be someone's only hope for life and for happiness. That's codependency. And it's really unhealthy, and the longer it lasts the harder it will be to get out of it.
Explain to her that you will always be there for her as a friend. If she needs an ear, some advice, or comfort, she can call you. She needs professional help, but if she can't handle hearing you'll always be there for her, she might not be able to hear that. Don't stay any longer than you have, it will only hurt the both of you in the end. As someone else said, it isn't your job to save her, you can only help.
You cannot reasonably just walk away from this girl. However, you need to do what is best for you and break up with her. Given her history of suicide attempts I would not be surprised if she attempted suicide again, heck she might already be planning one because of her parents divorce. She obviously needs more care than you can provide for her even if you do stay with her.
What I think you need to do is talk to both of her parents and tell them about your concerns and about the reasons why you cannot stay in the relationship and encourage them to get her some professional help. An inpatient psychiatric facility might not be a bad idea for her given her history of severe depression.
It all comes down to a need for you to be happy since if you are unhappy the relationship is only going to be a drag on you and eventually become one on her as well which could easily lead her to another attempt on her life. She also needs to find other friends at some point since it is not healthy for her to rely that heavily on you.
I would also suggest helping her find professional help. With her past suicide attempts and the divorce, she is unstable and needs to work out these problems with someone who can give her the help she needs. Because you care about her, I think you just need to have a mindset that you will be there for her, as someone who cares, but you can free yourself from this identity as a "boyfriend" though at this point you shouldn't verbalize it to her. She can learn to become a stronger person through the help she'll receive professionally, and I'm sure that she will soon realize herself that the relationship is over. But to stay in the relationship for the sake of being there for her, will only do harm to you both. It may be the divorce this time, but there will always be some other issue that prevents you from leaving her. That's why its most important that she receives help.
good luck :/
i would say get help like counseling and help for those who are suicidal. I think it's the best you can do for her. Let her know that she has to trust you and you want the best for her. Get her to understand that she needs help...I hope everything works out okay for you guys.
Dude tough situation... I think you need to be honest about the situation. Good advice about the counseling for her. Good luck with this one.
Prolonging the break up will only hurt the both of you. So, I say tell her. I agree, talking to her parents first will be a good idea, and the best thing to do would probably be to get her professional help. Seeing that you care so much about how your break up will hurt her, why do you want to severe ties? Even if that's what you want to do, stick by her for a while. Because with her parents' divorce and your break-up, she'll feel more abandoned than ever. So let her know that your break up is only because there's no more romantic feelings, and not because you don't want to have anything to do with her.
If you try breaking up with her, she'll try keeping you trapped by saying she'll kill herself.
Don't fall for it - still break up with her, and tell her that no matter what, you'll still be there for her, if anything, as a really good friend.
And if she does threaten to attempt suicide let her mom or dad know.
I agree with hopelessromantic.
Make it clear to her that you will be there for her. It's not gonna be easy, any way you go about it. But it's always better to be up front and truthful. If you involve her dad, hopefully he could also be of more help to you.
Best of luck!!
I think you should let her go if you really have to. It's probably the best and I'm pretty sure she can take care of herself. Eventually, she will get over it. I'm sure she'll be perfectly fine. Or the best thing you can do is break up with her and still be in her life. Be a friend and take care of her as much as you can. You don't have to be dating her to take care of her or anything.
Um help her get some good friends, I think too that you should encourage her , help her be more open, then let her go. I think telling her you want to go away to college and therefore think she needs to live her life and you too and maybe not be so brutal XD
I think most of us are fine if we have support. I don't think she will want to be your friend, honestly who can get over a break up while being friends with the person who just broke your heart? Not happening. Maybe if you are there for her over the phone or something... It *will* get confusing. You need to create or help her create a network and then sit down and let her down gently. You will be taking care of her just indirectly, and anyway you can't take care of her forever, ultimately she will have to deal with life. She either chooses life or not, that is HER choice. You can help, but you can't make her choose life. Wasn't she with you when she attempted the suicide? So that has nothing to do with you....It is something she must explore and hopefully overcome on her own.
if you waited, how long would it be before the dust settled from the divorce? what would your relationship be like, on your side, in your mind, during this time? would you be comfortable with it, or would you feel like you were lying to her? would she feel better about the breakup if it was only the timing that was different?
a lot of people don't like to 'abandon' a person when they're going through another difficult period...but sometimes that helps put things into perspective. it may be easier for her to deal with the breakup when other, more important things, are going on in her life...
My current bf went through a similar situation with his ex-gf. Her parents divorcing... her multiple suicide threats... everything. :\
My advice to you is since she is in a very fragile state right now, talk to her. :\ Tell her how you feel about things, where you stand relationship-wise, and let her know that you'll be there for her as a friend.
If possible, try distancing yourself from her for a while. Being too available would make the girl assume that you want another chance with her when in fact, it is not the case. :\ She'll need some supportive friends throughout this whole situation.
As one of the previous posters said, it's not your job to save her.
Best of luck.
I hate to say it but I think you should end it! I mean college is the time to actually find yourself and to explore your options. So I say break up with you longtime girl because you'll meet so many good looking women that are smart and that probably has the same interest as you! Besides you're still young and you still need to explore what's out there and plus college and hs are waay different!