by
Mr. MacchiatoThanks for all the great comments on the
last post about breakups! This one in particular caught my eye:
with my ex, I wanted to break up about a year into it, but I thought "well, it's better than nothing" and stuck around for another 2.5 years until things came to a (very messy) breaking point and we both decided "I hate you"
7/10/2008 5:43 PM ToxicWishes@xanga
Ah yes... the ol' "I know we should break up but I won't because":
a) Maybe things will magically get better
b) I owe it to her to try and make this relationship work (even though it's not)
c) There's nobody else in particular that I would rather be dating, so why not
d) I'll wait until we graduate/I get a promotion/God shows me a sign, then I'll make a decision
e) She's going through a hard time, I don't think she could handle a breakup now
f) We live together and I don't want to find a new place
g) We have too many friends in common... a breakup would be too messy
h) I love her, I'm just not "in love" with her
i) She's a good person, I should feel more strongly about her. Maybe my feelings will grow with time.
j) All of the above
I've seen countless friends wrestle with this dilemma, and I've never seen things magically get better. Do you have a gut sense that your relationship isn't gonna work out? If so, letting things drag on just prolongs the inevitable and makes the eventual breakup worse. But your mileage may vary - if so, I'd love to hear about it!
Have you ever stuck around in a relationship you knew was doomed? How did things end up?
Recommend
Comments (87)
I think that it is best to just cut it off when you see that the cliff in coming up. It is better to be real that to "let them down easy." Be honest and up front. That is most important. Heck like my last comment on the last post said, "I did that last night." Somethings arent meant to be. When the flags start appearing listen to them, then you will be exercising that thing called "wisdom."
It's all about love vs. compromise.
i was the i love you but i'm not in love with you, and it really was hard, but i had to break it off before he was ready. we didn't see each other for two years, but we talked online intermittently. after about 6 months, he wanted me back again, and once again i had to say no.
I was in a relationship which was doomed, mainly because I didn't love him at all. I remember not being able to say or write it down, not even once in my diary. Um, things ended up messy. I once wanted to break up with him and he said '' if i didn't have you...'' So... I didn't dare say what I wanted to say. In the end it lasted about 2 yrs.
My current one is like doomed, because we are so angry then happy and then normal and its complicated! But I don't care, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love him and if it ends, so be it! If it doesn't then great I couldn't be more stressed! I mean, happier...
i usually always stay in relationships longer than i should. one bf i stayed with bc i was basically living with him for free. when the semester ended, i left. my excuse when we broke up was something really trivial, i believe it was bc he gave me a hickey. that was the last straw.
My last relationship was fine the first 6months into it. The next 6 he was really clingy and was always asking me where I was and what I was doing and even when I answered the questions he'd ask again. I also wanted to break up with him after the first year but I couldn't do it to him so I stuck it out. Then he stopped trusting me and it was down hill from that. We lasted 3 amazing years. He still thinks we're going to get back together but no.
Argh! This is the worst for long distance relationships, especially when you're close to actually being together. Time puts some heavy pressure on decisions, let me tell you that much.
Pfft, maybe I should anonymously submit a problem to you guys and get some feedback...god knows I need it like fire needs air.
I once stuck around in a relationship I know in a way was going to be doomed. But it got to the point, where she dragged it out for her own happiness. That isn't going to happen again. Trust me. For some reason in every relationship, I am always the first one to know that the relationship is on the brink of being over. And if I didn't, it was because i've had more of a good feeling than the others did.
@HeartOfPandora@xanga - Sounds good, just send it along to us in a private message!
From the end of "Annie Hall" (after the breakup)
After that, it got pretty late and we both had to go, but it was great seeing Annie again and I realized what a terrific person she was and how much fun it was just knowing her...and I thought of that old joke, you know, the, this, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, 'Doc, uh, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken,' and uh, the doctor says, 'Well why don't you turn him in?' And the guy says, 'I would, but I need the eggs.' Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and - but uh, I guess we keep going through it...because...most of us need the eggs.Yes, one time I stuck around for a little over a month after I knew the relationship was doomed- the dude had stood me up for a date one too many times. We both had agreed it would end when he moved away, but that was months out. I suppose I waited out that one difficult month because I was gathering my courage. I needed to be thouroughly mad at him so I could orchestrate the breakup... and when I did, it was SO easy. I didn't say any nasty words to regret later and it felt like peeling a scab off of a healed wound. It hardly hurt at all and it was such a beautiful relief! We ended up staying friends, though we were both busy and went our separate ways. If I had ended it as soon as I knew it was doomed, I don't think I would have been so eloquent and totally regret-free when the end did come.
Yes, one time my girlfriend was sleeping with my friend every other night and got pregnant by him. And decided to keep the baby.
I told her, "ok sure, w/e. I love you, I forgive you, I'll stick around."
Then she started trying to beat me up. Not in a playful way either -- in a psychotic "I'm going to bash your head with this baseball bat" kind of way.
I figured, she's having a rough time. We can get through this. I love her. And Love is a powerful thing.
Then she tried to kill me.
And then FINALLY I admitted, yeah this is a doomed relationship. She's carrying the child of the guy she was sleeping with behind your back. She ignores you. She tries beating you up when she's not ignoring you. And then she tries to kill you. That's probably enough.
I've never been in a situation like that but my best friend just recently got out of a doomed relationship. I remember one time she told me she didn't want to break it off with the guy because she's scared to be alone and she thought she would be able to change him for the better.
Well, obviously THAT didn't work out... a week after the breakup, she tells me she already has a potential boyfriend. I'm generally supportive of her but I can sense she's just getting into trouble again.
The three year relationship I commented about was like that. I stuck around for forever. Two of the three years, really. I was actually mentally done with it in November, but broke it up the middle of June. My friend says because of that it's okay that I jumped into another relationship with a guy I actually really like only 3.5 weeks after the official break up date. I guess we'll see how things work now.
@the_last_kiss - tries to kill you? Ouch. that's not good for the baby
I almost got married, and I knew we weren't meant to be together the whole time. Sometimes it's just difficult to say so.
Haha, i find this funny because i currently have this thing for someone and she is currently have similar problems, and its a year into their relationship. And while i would like to be with her. Im not about to do anything to sway her decision to pick me over this other guy. Even though she has admitted to me thats shes been attracted to me for a long time. I believe its been since we were in middle school together. But she come out and told me 4 months before graduating high school, and there she was having problems even then with her bf, and me, i was going into the Marines. I wouldnt be around for a long time, and while i did like her, and still do. I just put aside my feelings for that moment in time, because as i said, i was going into the Marines. Well eventually i decided i was going to get out, it wasnt for me. I knew i wouldnt be able to handle it and my recruiter became less and less helpful. Anyways, i think a whole year went by that i didnt talk to her. I didnt have the balls to call and talk to her or anything like that, id think about here every so often and what not, but not until a couple days after she had graduated from high school did i finally call her. And 3 weeks later i get a call from her, returning the message i left for her. And now here we are, confessing our feeling for eachother and shes on a break with her bf...while i know thats bad, and what not. I really dont care, im not going to continue to beat around the bush. Its been awhile since this has all happened. I just dont know what i can say to her that would help her see what i see. The guy isnt going to treat her the way she wants to be treated, and she even said something to him already i believe, and those things where how i treat her right now. So while this had nothing to do with the blog, i guess it was worth asking for the advice on how to approach this, or just wait it out?
Sometimes it's just easier to stick around, since you're already comfortable in the relationship.
Settling is bad!
great post, the ship is sinking time to bail and move on.
how about K) none of the above ? hah. if i knew things weren't going to go anywhere in past relationships, i broke it off because it was never worth dragging it on.
My last relationship was mainly C, although there lots of extraneous complications.
My very first "relationship" ever, when I was 13 (which doesn't really count), I dated this guy I didn't really like, and I was going to break up with him a few weeks into it when his brother died. I stayed with him for 6 months...
@the_last_kiss - Wtf.
@XAngelExpress31X@xanga - Yeah, you know funny thing is, most people think I'm kidding when I say that.
I'm not, lol.
my relationship ended cos he was wicked possessive and i domt even know why
This is always complicated. I have a good friend who seems to have a habit of staying in bad relationships for years. Her last boyfriend she was with for 4 years, and she was unhappy for the last 3. But he was the one who had to break up with her. She's now doing the same thing with someone else. I think she deep down doesn't think she deserves better or could find better, which is really sad.
A big factor here is how committed you are, and what you're doing. If a relationship isn't working then you have 2 options: 1) call it quits, or b) recognize the problems and do something to try to fix them. Option 1 is probably a good one for shorter-term relationships or those who aren't ready to really work at something. However if you're more seriously committed, like living together and especially once you're married, I do think you have an obligation to really try to make things better. And no, that will not happen "magically" but through work and possibly help of objective 3rd parties. Just as I've seen people who stay in dead-end relationships for no good reason, I've also seen people walk away when they probably could or should have given it a better shot.