by
Mr. MacchiatoBack in college, my friends and I struggled with the best way to end a relationship that wasn't working out.
Here are a few of the tried and true techniques we (re-)invented over the years:
- Ignore her for a few weeks until she asks you, "What is wrong?" Then tell her, "I think we are growing apart."
- Move away to a different city for a job or grad school. Then say, "I can't see this working out; we live in different cities."
- Pick a lot of fights with her (consciously or subconsciously, it doesn't matter). Then tell her, "Love shouldn't be this hard."
What a bunch of cliches.
In our defense, we were young and stupid. As we got older though, we realized that breaking up can be done honestly and cleanly. The breakthrough (for me) was my friend's dad. He shared these words of wisdom, acquired after a lifetime of relationships: "There is no easy way."
In other words, no techniques or gimmicks are necessary. When it comes time to breakup, be a man. Don't avoid her, or let the relationship drag out. Sit down with her face to face, and tell her what's up. If you've been struggling with your feelings, she probably already knows that something is up. Just be honest (but not brutal).
How do you handle breaking up with someone? What tips would you give to a person breaking up with someone for the first time?
Comments (104)
Hey, I wrote a killer entry a few months ago about breaking up...where do I submit it for datingish?
well these seem logical but the only problem with the whole out-of-city thing is most girls think long distance relationships are romantic so for those that do, pick another lie, for those that don't well it worked....
Sad to say that I haven't broken up with anyone yet, I've always been broken up with.
I'd say to a person that's breaking up for the first time though, be straight forward with your feelings. Not enough to hurt that person anymore -- because he or she will probably be a bit hurt anyway --but in a way that will let them understand how you feel.
And my recommendation is do not stay friends with them. D: It'll cause pain in the long run.
wow, i think those are definitely good ones!
I've only resolutely broken up with one woman in my entire life, and that was because she was sleeping with my friend and got pregnant by him. I stayed with her even after that, because I wanted to continue caring for her -- even though she chose to carry his child to term. I eventually left though, because she became abusive -- not only psychologically, but physically. I can take a beating, but when somebody is WILLING and TRYING to hurt you intentionally, it's -really- time to leave.
Otherwise, I will continue to try, as long as SHE continues to try. I won't give up on a relationship if we're both trying.
BUT relationships need to be honest and open. If she's not feeling it, I want her to tell me. The same for me. I can respect that, and we can part ways amicably. I have nothing to hide from a woman I love. Either she's going to love me for who I am, completely and without exception, or she's not.
As for breakup advice: Be honest. If you've been honest in your relationship all along, as you should have been, this should not be a problem. Sugar coated lies only cause problems -- if not now, then they will later.
Honesty is always the best policy. The best way to break up with a girl is to tell your you're not interested anymore. One time I said, "It isn't me, it's you."
Yup I agree. Did it last night. Honesty is the best policy.. My dad drilled that into my head as a kid and I finally put it to use 25 years later.
Someone here said it's best to be straight forward with your feelings, and I completely agree. The two boyfriends I've broken up with (from the only 2 two relationships I've ever been in), I was treated badly (a.k.a. cheated on, shoved around, etc.), and I made it known to both of my boyfriends at the times I broke up with them WHY I was breaking up with them, just so that they didn't think I was doing it to be.. mean. Oh, the irony. Oh well.
When I handle breaking up with someone, I just let said person know honestly. No beating around the bush.
lol. i like the first one. my ex did that to me!
Ignore her for a few weeks until she asks you, "What is wrong?" Then tell her, "I think we are growing apart."
Thats so mean but when I first read it I could stop laughing!
This entry just proved to me once and for all the my ex-bf is just a loser who really is just a BOY at the end of the day. tsk. too bad but hey, karma's a bitch right?
Ugghhh... breaking up with people is so hard! Especially if you want to stay friends with the person because then you have to be very delicate. I stick with honesty though. I hate playing games.
@hopelessromantic - oh man no kidding.
I just went through my first breakup. My first time really breaking up with someone not mutually, anyway. Ummm. It's not going so well. I don't know. It's just so hard to break all ties and still try and be there for them as a friend. Only advice is just to say it and be honest. It took me 2 hours to spit the words "I think we should break up." out, and it felt like it was 2 hours too long. It was way difficult, and I agree with "There's just no easy way."
don't forget about doing it in person! don't be a wimp & choose to break up via phone/text/email/IM! I can respect someone who does it in person but never thru those methods unless you're in 2 different areas.
& being friends never work, especially if one party still has feelings & the other party doesn't anymore. the only way for you both to move on is with a clean break. that means, NO friendship whatsoever. [trust me, I've seen it SO many times & it's not pretty.. it just drags out the pain & the hurt & it's just not healthy!]
then there are the complicated ones.. haha. that, I've got no comment 'cause I'm not quite sure about those. >.<
Treat others the way you want to be treated; I'd definitely rather be told face to face why someone wanted to end it with me, regardless of how painful those realizations might be. While at first lying about little things (gotta love the classic 'it's not me, it's you') might hurt the person less, in the end you are just going to be hurting them more. If there really is something workable, do us singletons a favor and do what you can to send your ex out into the world a better, smarter, potential boyfriend/girlfriend.
honesty, not brutal honesty, is usually best.
(I've been on both sides of the fence with this one)
Break up with a post-it note.
It's the best way EVER.
That way she'll tack it to her dresser mirror and cry over losing such a wonderful, caring, thoughtful guy every single day.
keep it simple and honest and don't over explain
maybe i'm just heartless.
i meet up with him in a semi-private place (i.e. quiet corner in restaurant, walk in park, etc) and after some idle small talk, i bring up the relationship issues. i very calmly list the reasons why the relationship isn't working. i make it really clear that i've made my decision, i don't want to hurt him, but a break up is the best for both of us in the long run. this part usually takes long. i try and be as understanding and patient as possible and explain until the cows come home.
then.. no contact. no phone calls. no email. nothing. cold turkey. if i left anything at his place, i just forget about it and buy a replacement (but i'm usually pretty good about getting all my sentimental stuff back before the big day). if i find his stuff, i ship it by Purolator... yes... i pay to have it shipped back because that's the most impersonal way to have it sent back. through friends is bad... you just end up dragging other people into your mess.
i make it impersonal because it's the only really effective way to severe attachment. it's like a band-aid. you have to rip it off really fast... otherwise, you have this huge mess for weeks (sometimes months or years) where you're constantly picking little adhesive and fabric bits out of your wound.
there's no good way to do it... but for the most part, i don't have too many clingy stalkers by using this method.
I've never broken up with anyone but I've always figured that if I ever need to it would be best to just be honest and tell the truth. After all there are very few instances in life when honesty is not the best policy.
how sad all three of those have been done to me! Â (except he didn't move, he "let me move.")
just be honest and dont beat around the bush. dont procrastinate and draw it out, but also don't trivialize the matter. and don't patronize the other person. grrrr...that is so annoying. just say how you feel, but don't be an ass either.