By
onlysortofirish (guest blog)
How far in a relationship does it become "ok" to have sex? (dum dum DUMMM)
I'm 25 years old. I'm no stranger to this game of sex and dating....but this is always a debate with me and my friends. If you have sex too early, that makes you a (insert sleazy-slang-word of choice here)... not to mention the loss of "mystery" yadda yadda yadda.
But gosh, these days, if you keep putting it off, the guy you're with is going to seriously wonder what your problem is?
I mean, OK fine if you are one of those "waiting until marriage" types, well then you state that upfront and your guy is either accepting of the fact, or has already sprinted three blocks by the time you finish your celibacy-schpiel.
So I'm asking... how far into a relationship do you wait before it's "ok" to have sex?
Comments (370)
Hell, I don't know, I was engaged 3 months into my first sexual relationship.
The hubby says we waited 2 weeks. >_>
When you have to ask a question like that you are just exhibiting proof that our culture is extremely oversexed.
Until marriage.
@mrcolorful@xanga - At least our culture allows us to ask questions like that =)
@its_a_kitteh@xanga - I agree! And if you can't ask questions like this on a dating blog... where can you ask it?
I think that should be up to the individual relationship.
I've got friends that slept together on the first date. They've been married for 15 years, have 4 kids and act like they are still on the honeymoon. I also have friends that waited until marriage that ended up divorced in a year. I think if two people have a strong connection on all the right levels then the sex will happen for them when it should.
In my first and only sexual relationship, we were officially dating for about a week and a half before we had some form of sex (we had vaginal intercourse after a month). However, we had been close (if a bit flirtatious) friends for almost a year before dating and we had spent a LOT of time together - about 12-14 hours each day.
But I don't think any amount of time would make me a "slut" or whatever term you care to use, because I'm still in the same relationship two and a half years later.
Ultimately, it just depends on when it feels right, and how early I know that the relationship will last.
@its_a_kitteh@xanga - I second that!
I don't know if there is a right answer to this question. And I don't know if that even is going to affect the success of a relationship.
And sometimes sex is just sex...I'm not even looking for a relationship...I want sex!
But, I don't think I wait long enough (mayb 3 months or so). Recently I've come to the conclusion that the next time I see a relationship having any potential I should wait longer than I have previously.
I'll be back to read other people's opinions on this.
Depends on what you're looking for... sometimes it's appropriate to wait a few hours (if it's obviously going to be only sex, no relationship, and if everyone involved is ok with that). Then sometimes it's better to wait awhile.
It also depends on how long you've known the person. If you've known someone for a several months before you ever go on a date together, then it's more acceptable to have sex on the first date.
It's one of those things you have to judge by the situation rather than having a hard and fast (no pun intended) rule.
I'm still a virgin, so I guess I wait a long time. I'm upfront with the guys I date just so it isn't awkward. I tell them I don't want to have sex right away, that I want it to be special when we do, and that I want to wait until the other parts of the relationship are good and strong first. They can take it or leave it.
Well What is sex? It is for 2 people to show that they love each other and nowadays we just see it as a thing to do because everyone else does it. Sex before marriage is immoral but we have been brainwashed by Hollywood that says its ok. I know I may be a bit young to have this idea but I doubt age matters. Sure, we may stumble, maybe even give into our flesh, but no one is perfect. But that does not remove the fact of what had happened.
Now we view children as a punishment for immoral behavior. What has this come to?
I think sex happens when it is right for both parties involved. Let that guide you instead of worrying what labels others will give you. I once waited for two years. I broke up with him weeks later because I found out he had been cheating on me. I told myself I would wait even LONGER next time.
.... "next time" was four months into my current relationship. We had been close friends for a couple of years and just completely mesh well together. I guess it's a case by case basis. You don't have to put yourself on a timeline. It's more about trust, level of intimacy, and love (yes love. don't give me a "sex and love aren't the same" because I know that, but believe it or not: they do occur simultaneously for some people). Then again, some people just like sex.
You should both be comfortable with it. No pressure should be involved. It should be right and feel right for both of you, regardless of how long you have been seeing the person.
When I was a freshmen in college, I was with this guy who was 2 years older than me, and I told him straight up that I wanted my first kiss to be on my wedding day at the altar. He was gracious enough to never try anything in the 8 months we were together. So for sex, it was definitely waiting till marriage. I guess I broke that my junior year in college. I think it was 3 months into the relationship. It was really hard to resist the temptation of the physical act. At first it was easy-- cuz I knew I could wait, but he couldn't... so it was just to be a tease. And then-- i don't know.. it was the right time.
I guess it really depends on the couple... if they are both ready to take on the emotional issues sex brings into the relationship, then yeah. But be safe!!
Sex shouldn't be the relationship, it should be a perk! A very, very good perk...
You should wait long enough to where it doesn't feel forced...hahahaha...
severly depends on the type of relationships you've been in and are participating in.
I usually wait until after dessert.
Or at the very least dinner. Cause sometimes, she is the dessert.
I'm young
I've been around that particular block more times then I care to mention, or care to have done.
I wish I had waited, I wish I had not put myself in situations where things like that had happened.
But if I was entering a new relationship now, I would honestly wait until it felt right. I've learned enough to be able to verbally say that I'm uncomfortable and if a guy that I'm with isn't okay with that, then I am not okay with him.
It's a good idea to bring it up though, if you can feel sexual tension rising but you still aren't ready. Saying that you aren't ready is better than leaving your guy confused and clueless
i was reading a funny article in the NEW YORK Magazine on The Secret Lives of Married Men. They did a survey on the average number of sex partners of a man and a woman. Man: 35; Woman: 6.
So happened the girls i was reading that with all loss their virginity at age 21... the 26yrs old girl, her number was 15... and the 29yrs old, her number was 3. SO, i don't think it really matters, they are both great women. It's just how life works out? lol
what do you think?
...thought you'd like to know...you spelled it "schpiel"...it's actually spiel
...and yeah...i'm one of those "waiting for marriage" people
That's such a good question - one that I'm struggling with too. I guess I would say you wait until you feel that you know them well enough to go to that level with them. That time obviously varies from couple to couple. But it is really hard to gauge and I hate the pressure of it.
Or, wait until you're too horny not to
hehe.
Until marriage... I think the couple can enjoy having sex as much as they want after marriage. No hurry to lose something that is only once (virginity)... Make it meaningful... even though one of them may be an amateur...
@SilentRhymes@xanga - haha, i love how the men's numbers are so high and the women's are so low. But for the men's to be that high, there had to be women participating. Takes two to tango doesn't it?!
I think both lie. Men up their number. Women lower it.
Men want to look like a lady killer and women are scared to look like a slut. Tells you a lot about how society views gender and sex, doesn't it? Just my humble opinion.