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Miss Double ShotEx-BF and I had a good split, if such a thing exists. "It's not working; we really don't have much in common; well, see ya." So while we weren't hostile, we never really kept in touch after our breakup.
I did find out that he got engaged to the girl he dated after me, which brought about a whole bunch of feelings that I'm sure I'll write about later, but I didn't exactly feel obligated to either buy them a toaster oven or send my Facebooked congratulations their way.
Anyway, he IMed me at 1 a.m. Sunday morning after breaking what had been a two year silence between us. "So where did you end up?"
New York, I told him. He's in Miami trying to make sense of his life after his breakup with his fiancée. We caught up for the next hour, and while it was great to talk to him, I felt horrible for not being able to offer appropriate condolences. What do you say to someone who had built up an entire future only to have it knocked down? That was my post-midnight quandary.
How do you console friends who have gone through a rough breakup? How would you want to be consoled?
Comments (39)
Sometimes no words are necessary. Just having a hand to hold, or eyes to make contact with, can really help out a lot. Sometimes we just need someone to be there for us - no conditions, no rehearsed/auto-response. A hand squeeze can often mean so much more...
i have no idea how to console a friend. i kind of just sit there and say, "there, there. it'll be okay. you'll get through this." that obviously doesn't help and in the case of a good female friend, we go out for lots and lots of ice cream.
I went through a horrible break up a few years ago and the thing that helped me the most was just having my friends by my side. I didn't need to talk about the break up all the time (although we talked about it a lot) but just being surrounded by people that I knew really cared about me was helpful.
A lot of the time, sticking around and listening is a lot better than the whole "I'm sooo sorry/You can do so much better" spiel.
Recently, one of my friends helped me through a difficult time. Surely, it was nothing like a broken engagement, but it was a similar sort of issue. It helped that she had previous experience (and was currently kind of going through the same thing).
Basically, wait patiently for your friend to talk. Stay silent through the pauses and tears, not commenting on how upset he is. After he's done, pause for a minute, then ask if he wants your advice. If he says yes, then calmly and rationally explain to him why things have to be the way they are, and what he needs to do to feel better emotionally (get closure, etc.). The calmer and more rationally you look at things, the more he will be able to do so as well. Once you know that he understands what he has to do, and there's nothing more you can do for him, ask if he would like you to help take his mind off of it, or if he just needs some time to grieve. If he needs something to forget for a bit, then start talking about something he's interested in. Be sure the conversation could not be construed to focus around you in any way (if he feels you were just waiting to spill out all the news you had for the past several years, that's a bad thing.) Then go out for ice cream. ^_^
I am much better at consoling people in person because then I can show up with ice cream and be the shoulder to cry on and give them hugs. But over the phone or IM, it's harder to figure out what to say. Sometimes just listening is enough.
Also, I know when I get dumped, I like to hear the words ""he doesn't deserve you." or "you're way too good for him." Things like that. That always makes me feel a little better.
I broke up four times(all serious,on the verge of marriage) to finally settling down with the fifth.
It was so difficult the first time,but I guess you bounce back as time passes and with each subsequent breakup.
My parents,especially my mother,were the people who supported me wholeheartedly and without any prejudice.And they did it by simply listening to me and just being there for me.Another thing was that I was so busy with my work that I gradually pushed it away to the back of my mind.
Anyway its the past.You can't change the past nor can you take back what you have said or done.So live with,or forget it(for the better).
The future and ofcourse the present are so much more important...because you can still shape them just the way you want to....its in your hands.
My best friend just called off her wedding, just a month ago....just a month before the wedding that was supposed to be last week.
Her family was supportive (very!) of her decision b/c the guy was a d-bag...even though they'd already shelled out over 50K for the wedding that they won't be getting back.
As for how I've been able to console her...lots of listening, lots of hugs, reassurance that SHE is worth being with, and in the future she's going to be so much happier in the long run than she'd ever imagined BECAUSE of this.
Also, margaritas help. A lot.
my friends and i tell each other that our exs were losers. that always makes us feel better.
I feel I'm terrible at consoling people cause I never think that anything I do/say will make a difference. Sometimes, they don't want you to say anything, but then I don't want to be just silent. Also, saying things like, "it'll be ok, don't worry", seems so lame in the moment.
My ex-wife left me for another man after years of pouring out all the love and care I had, and being committed to a lasting relationship.
I'm still putting the pieces back together. I can tell you, there's nothing you can say that will make a devastating loss of love any less painful. A cup of wine in a barrel of sewage is still a barrel of sewage.
The only thing you can possibly say is a Japanese saying I use a lot. It's "Shikata ga nai", which means "it can't be helped." Basically, life is f*cked up, accept it, move on -- because there's nothing else you can do. You can wallow in misery and despair and go nowhere, or you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go.
Shikata ga nai. Just move on.
I leave them alone because there is nothing that you can say that can make them feel better. Time is the only thing that heals wounds.
I think a lot of the work of ensuring that you don't horribly destroy yourself in the aftermath of a failed relationship comes as you are laying the foundation of that relationship.
When a building collapses, people look all the way back to the construction of that building to see what went wrong. A relationship, similarly, should be analyzed from its roots, not just the final bit. Grounding in reality is essential.
If you are grounded in reality you'll probably be able to move on. It will still bitterly sting, it will still cause you to lose hope, and in the small hours of the night, you will still probably ask why this happened (unless you're too drunk to.) But you will be able to go on living.
@the_last_kiss - In terms of Japanese cues on life philosophy, I will suggest that yatte miru (try things out and see where they lead) is preferable to shikata nai va (things can't be helped.)
@moritheil@xanga - Agreed, for sure. But as a philosophy for exploring the new. It's the life philosophy I follow now, so its interesting that you bring it up. Try things out, see where they go. But in context of acceptance and closure after a devastating loss (of love, or anything else), I still believe Shikata ga nai is a good thing to tell oneself.
It's what I had to tell myself at least.
Its interesting you bring up the point of the foundation. This is something I've believed in -- not only with love, but with life. Build your foundation strong, or it doesn't matter how great your house is. And if your foundation is weak, break your house down until you can rebuild your foundation. Then rebuild your house, and life will be much better.
Oh, how I love your title. My fiance and I broke up roughly 4 months ago. Over a text message. And he moved on very quickly.
There's nothing you CAN say. I can give you a whole list of things not to say. Like "you're better than him/better off without him". Really? And you didn't think to share this with me before we got married? Lie #1 caught. "You'll find someone so much better". Maybe, but I don't want anyone else, I want him obviously. "He was an a*hole anyway". Again, you weren't going to tell me this beforehand?
Personally, I didn't really talk to anyone afterwards. I sat in my room and cried all night and that was it (as far as showing emotion..I still hurt on the inside but it's getting better). I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want to hear all their BS answers/reasonings. Maybe not healthy but it saved me a ton more heartache and annoyance. (I don't blame my friends at all, it's just that there isn't anything you can say)
The one thing that my bff said the night we broke up was this: I said 'well now you can be happy, we broke up' and she said 'no, now YOU can be happy'. I thought, yeah right I will never be happy again, but looking back even now, she was so right.
I am also not dwelling in the past, which has helped immensely. None of the "I should have said/done this". Yeah, I have a lot of things I wished I would have done/said, but the fact is that it's over and in the past, and no matter how much you want to change the past, it's physically impossible to do so, so why make yourself constantly miserable? And besides, would it really have changed destiny?
SUGGESTION: How about a blog about how to get through the day you were supposed to get married? :)
When I went through a break up, it was great to have my girl friends around.. especially since I was so far from my family. They were patient & just listened to me. They let me cry for as long as I needed to & were there to hold me when I did. They dragged my butt out of the apt to go out to eat & hang out even though they knew I wasn't in the mood but they didn't want me to be moping in my room by myself. They made sure I showed up every week for girls' night & that really helped. :) & my family was just amazing.. they let me call them at any time of the day -- my mom went as far as to tell me to text her if I couldn't sleep at night & needed to talk, regardless of how late it was.
I think that's what comforted me throughout.. just knowing I had great people who were there for me & willing to help me get through it. :)
& I think that's how I would do it, but I'm not sure as I haven't really had that come up.
Speaking as someone who had their future knocked down (but wasn't engaged), I can say that my family and my friends helped immensely in the healing process, which is still not over, and it's been many months. I'm a pretty self-sufficient person in that I try not to bitch about things too much, but when I did my friends mostly listened. My parents mostly listened as well. And by friends, I mean mostly girlfriends (and guy friends I haven't dated). I don't seek comfort from anyone I've dated in the past, nor from my ex.
Since this is your ex, you have no obligation to him. You don't have any obligation to console him or anything. You have no obligation to be his friend. I'm sure whatever you told him was quite enough.
Hmm...I think the real question to ask is why is he IMing you at 1 AM??!
if it was a horrible relationship it's easy to focus on the positives of being single and no longer involved with that person. i welcome the friend back to being single and resume all the old activities we used to enjoy as a group.
show support so they can adjust their life but your friends are still here.
@xojewlzox@xanga - haha, fair point! I think it's because we both work weird (read: long) hours and I'm not always online after work.
I'd think a simple "That sucks, I'm sorry" would suffice.
I had a friend that was in a similar situation, except the first breakup was less amicable. Completely out of the blue he broke up with her. She was devastated. Then he got engaged, and then his fiancee completely out of the blue broke up with HIM. He tried to go to my friend for condolences but my friend was kinda like, "Um, yeah karma is a b!tch ain't it?"
sometimes i wonder if consolation is what we really desire or if, for even a small period of time, we just need to be alone with ourselves and our thoughts. for me, thats the only way i can deal.
::Rico::
I try my best to console friends who've gone through difficult breakups. For some, they were able to move on happily, while for others, it never works no matter how much one tries to tell them it'll be all right.
My former friend is an example of the latter. :\ She went through a difficult time with her ex and she constantly came to me for advice. I always tell her to forget about him because there's always someone better, but she wouldn't listen and just run back to him. :\ After that, I just left her alone. I learned from that experience that some people can't be consoled in such cases and need to be left alone to deal with them. As the saying goes, "Time heals all wounds." So consolation itself really depends on the person.
I'm actually the one going through the rough break up right now. Broke up about 2 1/2 months ago...forty+ days of which have been spent without any communication with him...it's how I'm eventually gonna heal. Hah.
But yeah, a way my friends have helped me is just by being "there." Even the ones who no longer live near enough to hang out in person. They're always willing to talk. Sometimes it isn't even about having the perfect advice, simply being an open ear is more than sufficient.
It also helped that my best friend was ready to take me out anywhere...mall, lunch, whatever...just to get my mind off of things.