by
Mr. Macchiato
A NYTimes columnist wrote about a 79-year old priest who gives a lecture called, "
Whom Not to Marry". He gives lots of advice on the sort of men to avoid. We'll go through them this week, but I thought this one was fascinating:
Never marry a man who has no friends. This usually means that he will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands. I am always amazed at the number of men I have counseled who have no friends.
I look for the same thing in women. I also like to see that someone has some long-term friends. I don't know why that matters, but it seems to. For some reason, I've noticed that a lot of girls don't have close friends. Why is that? In any case - if someone has close friends that they've known for a long time, I always see that as a very very good sign.
Do you think it matters if someone has good friends or not? Also - does your current partner have good friends?
Recommend
Comments (80)
I think it most definitely matters. Kind of shows a person's ability to keep in touch with someone and how much they care. It also shows what type of person that person is. Having friends shows how outgoing they may be and so on. Having no friends may make someone a lot more clingy and controlling also.
My current partner has many friends, most of which are my own also. He is very likeable, and I guess that's why everyone enjoys his company. Thus linking back to how having friends is important in my eyes.
Of course it matters... I'm not dating a certain guy for that reason. It screams "something's wrong with me!" Even harmless loners have a few close guys around.
Girls are catty and that's why it's harder to keep long term friends around.
I have a lot of accquaintances, hardly any close friends. Except my boyfriend, who I also consider my best friend. Is this bad?
@Coincidentally@xanga - Not really; that's pretty common, but it's good to have a few close friends other than the person you're with- especially if you're having a hard time and need good advice.
I don't think it matters. But then again, I don't have any close friends.
Honestly, though, I don't think I'm a bad guy, or someone incapable of intimacy. I'm just very introverted.
I think it's vital to the survival of a relationship, because 1) if he doesn't have his own friends, then there is something off about how he maintains and nurtures relationships, which can lead to 2) his inability (and insecurity) at letting you have quality time with your friends. And really, who needs a man up their butt all the frickin' time! Go, find friends! I'll be your BFF, sure, but damn, I need time away from you, too, without the guilt trip, pouting or 150 texts while I'm out. OMG!
@Coincidentally@xanga - I'd say no, but I'm in the same boat as you.
hm. well I think that the logic of if a person has friends they won't be "up your ass all of the time" and they are capable of intimacy is a good point. I don't think the fact of your mate having friends can gurantee that, but it is more probable.
I also agree with the insight that long term friendships are a good sign.
Another question to ask is what kind of friends does this person have? If their friends are jerks, insecure, or take advantage of them...then that can't be a good sign.
I guess I need to go out and get some damn friends ; ). I am a loner, but I can only wonder if that makes me intimacy challenged...I definitely know I'm not clingy. I can only tolerate being around the same person for so many hrs in a day usually.
Yeah, friends would probably be a good investment. Do they sell em on Ebay?
I live in my mind these days, trying desperately to convince myself that these delusions are real. That instead of sitting in a room alone for years on end, I just went skipping, hopping, dancing, twirling, hugging, and falling through an endless field of wildflowers with a companion who is not a figment of my hope and imagination, but a real, living breathing person who I can reach out and touch my fingers to; who I could pull close against my chest with my hands around her thin waist for an extended moment before twirling away again.
This is what we would do if we were real.
We would set up a small table by the seashore, with a white linen tablecloth on it. And we would have tea. We would have a case made of bombay mahogany, filled with small tins of tea. I would pour you tea, and call you "dear," and you would thank me and call me "mister." You, there in your thin, flowy white dress; me in ascot, morning coat and striped trousers. We would sit there, with a selection of delectable bite-sized hors d'oeuvres, and watch the waves roll onto the shore; as we sampled teas from around the world. I would make you a giant origami crane out of my napkin, and set it down in front of you. You would smile at its absurdity, but then just keep sipping on your tea.
"I've noticed that a lot of girls don't have close friends."
Sadly, it's because there's a lack of solidarity among women :[ I'm glad to say that I have several close friends, though (one of them I've known for about 14 years. We're not as close as we once were, but we still keep in touch).
It DEFINITELY says something if your significant other doesn't have many close friends. One guy I knew said that his friendships usually ended badly (his romantic relationships ended even worse - one of them in a restraining order), and after a short period of time - and he said up front that it's because he pushes people away, but he's trying to stop doing that. He's got some major issues to work through if he's going to stop pushing people away though - our friendship lasted for maybe three or four months. Definitely NOT dating material.
It's extremely important, because it's a reflection of their ability to work out inevitable issues in their close personal relationships, and to relate to others...which will ultimately include you. It also speaks to their loyalty as a human being.
Additionally, it's important to have someone to turn to, someone who will listen to you vent. Everyone needs *some* space.
yep yep yep! it sure does. it shows how well a person can develop relationships. and plus, it's nice to have a support system outside of the relationship and so they'll have other things to do than hang around all the time and be too attached.
girls have trouble with friendship with other girls because we're such catty creatures! rawr. :] and plus, we get jealous of each other when we keep each other around for too long. lucky for me though, i do have close girlfriends. :]
A better way to choose a partner is to see their relationship with the family and the way your partner's room looks.
Every girl I've ever dated that treated her family well also did the same for me. It's also a much smoother relationship when like your girlfriend doesn't have mental issues that are repressed.
And when I see a girl's room, if it's messy, then I can expect my place to be messy, and vice versa.
what about a guy with only female friends, or a girl with only male friends?? what does that mean?
I had one close friend when I met my husband, then boyfriend. Said friend and I have since grown apart and out of touch. I do consider my husband to be one of my best friends though, along with my sister and mom as well. If I'm having a hard time with something I will usually go to them.
My husband is also in the Air Force, so it makes it hard to stay friends with people for long periods of time. I have made one really good friend in this town and she is who I go to when I have problems I'd rather not discuss with my mother, such as intimacy advice and things of that nature.
Women usually don't have close friends because women are bitchy, and there's "sexual tension" with men, or some such. Personally, I prefer friendships with men, because they're more logical and easygoing, and I've never found sexuality to be an important issue.
I think it's important that the partner has some friends, but it is vastly more important what kinds of friendships he has. Both me and my boyfriend have close friends, most of whom are mutual (or at least mutual acquaintances). However, we are each other's best friends. On that note, @Coincidentally@xanga, there's nothing wrong with it, unless you need a close friend to turn to for relationship problems. It will also (potentially) make for a much more emotionally devastating breakup.
@Ironstove@xanga - I have an abusive/racist/evil family, so I'm basically estranged from almost all of them. However, I treat all of my friends very well. The difference to me is that friendships and relationships are chosen, with people that I intentionally selected, because I liked them. So, family is not always a great indicator.
@SilentRhymes@xanga - Probably that they themselves are more like the opposite sex. For instance, I'm very "male-brained" - I reason things about instead of "feeling" them, I'm aggressive and prideful, and I'm competitive. These aspects make me get along great with most men, but not very well with most women (who generally have this catty system of hidden signals that I don't understand.) My boyfriend, however, has mostly female friends, because he's softer, and is a great listener. These qualities are what make him such a great boyfriend.
Oh course it matter, just merley because of the fact that if your significant other doesn't have friends, they're going to be hanging out with you & ONLY you... and thats not great for a relationship.
Plus, it shows that they're tolerable and have a personality.Â
I don't think I've met a girl that doesn't have close friends... I have friends that go back to 3rd grade, though only one I'm really close with anymore of that group. But my core group of friends I've known since 6th grade... About 10 years now. But it totally makes sense to look for people who can maintain stable, healthy friendships over long periods of time. Those are going to be the people most likely to have functional long-term relationships.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - I don't get along with my dad + some indirect relatives either, but I have a great relationship with my siblings and my mother. I didn't mean to imply the entire family, but when I see a girl who has no contact with her family whatsoever, it's a sign to me that she has confrontational issues and holds grudges. Despite me really not liking my father, I still talk to him and don't avoid family gatherings.
All the same, I can totally see where you're coming from and I'll respect that. I partially retract my statement, but not completely =] because I still believe that family relationships correlate a significant amount with how a person reacts to other relationships.
True that.
@Ironstove@xanga - Alright, fair enough. Thanks for reconsidering.
i think everyone should have friends, lack of a support network worries me. plus no friends means no personal life of their own which can be suffocating being with a person 24/7. not to mention incredibly boring.
I don't agree to it. At least you are his friend, besides being his wife.
I think it's different for women than it is for men - when they have no friends.
I lost all my friends slowly but surely when they all got married. I stayed single longer. Eventually all my friends were married. I was a home wrecker if I took them away from their wives.
Then I got married. Zero friends. So we make couple friends. That worked for a while but then we moved. In the big city it seems friendships between couples has been lost. I do go to a ball game with a guy every now and then but I take one of my sons and he takes his exwife and their two sons. I think they are trying to get back together.
It seem as if people just don't want to commit to anything anymore because the schedules are so busy. Not so much that we are antisocial.
I kind of miss small town life but then again, where the heck is a small town now adays?