by
hopelessromantic, guest blogger
Having recently gone through a breakup, I was confronted with the question of "what do you do with the ex's stuff?" You know, the stuffed animals, the sweatshirt, the kitchy souvenirs from his trip to Yellowstone... Let's face it, you really don't need any of it. But you just can't bear to part with that soft little duck or those ratty boxer shorts. They're memories.
I generally am of the camp that you can keep most of it. Get rid of what is not all that important to you and isn't useful, but keeping the stuff should not be a big deal. For me, my pattern seems to be keep the gifts, get rid of what you "stole" (ie oversized t-shirts that you stole to sleep in but don't really need). Gifts are ok to keep because they're yours. They were gifts. You get gifts from lots of people. The one murky area for me in my latest breakup was his "ARMY" sweatshirt. I am very anti-war, so I wore this purely because it was his and I would feel like a hypocrite wearing it now. So if I kept it, it would simply take up space in my very cramped New York apartment. In the end, I tried to give it back to him, but he asked me to keep it, so I did. There was one thing of mine that I asked my first serious boyfriend to keep, and I would be hurt if I found out he got rid of it. So I will keep the sweatshirt.
Then I watched a How I Met Your Mother re-run (good show if you haven't seen it. you can watch it on cbs.com) about the exact same topic. In the episode, Robin finds out that stuff in Ted's apartment is from his ex-girlfriend and she asks him to get rid of it because if she knows it's from them, she will only be able to see them when she looks at the stuff. To her, the fact that he held onto it made her feel that he still had feelings for them. Ted thought this was ridiculous until he found out that her dogs were from her ex-boyfriends and then he kept seeing her ex-boyfriends every time he looked at the dogs. Robin at first argued that they are living things so they don't count in the "get rid of stuff" category, but in the end she changed her mind and got rid of them.
So what do you think? What are the rules when it comes to "the stuff"?
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Comments (39)
I agree, get rid of the things that aren't important or may be harmful to your new relationship. And don't hide them from you signifcant other because that would just make things so much worse. I've gotten rid of poems and stories from my ex because they have gotten in the way of my new relationship.
Here's what I think about "the stuff": As long as the "stuff" isn't dominating and overwhelming, it's fine. And by dominating and overwhelming, I mean like, photos of the ex all over the place in esteemed positions on the shelves and walls, their stuff literally everywhere as if your girl/guy is still in love with them and they are still central in their lives. If they are, they have no business being with (us). They need to wait until they're distant and healthy enough to be able to maintain a new relationship without being secretly (or not so secretly) hooked on the previous one.
This is why "stuff" is fine: Because we LOVE those who we are with. And if we truly love them, we love them and accept them for EXACTLY who they are, here and now, for everything they are and everything they are not, for who have been, and for everything that has made them into this person whom we love.
This "stuff" was a part of them, and still is. As much as we may not want to be reminded, or see things that remind us of their previous relationships, we must accept these things out of Love, and move beyond our own insecurities that cause us to feel negatively when we see the "stuff". Besides, keeping "stuff" doesn't mean that we still have feelings for an ex -- there are many other reasons to keep "stuff", especially when that stuff is useful. Or even for the sake of just having keepsakes of our lives, momentos. Just because they are with us now doesn't mean they need to wipe out the memory of everybody that has come before -- instead, by remembering these things and learning and being inspired by them, they can be fruitful to their relationships with us.
As for what >I< keep:
I keep things that are relevant to my life in general. I don't keep things like shirts. I will keep some important letters or cards. Basically, here's the rule for me -- if I was making one giant scrapbook of my life, from beginning to end, would this "thing" be included in it? If yes, I keep it. If not, I don't. I'll keep these things in a BOX, out of sight.
I also keep useful things -- I'm not going to throw away a Le Creuset stockpot just because an ex got it for me; nor do I expect my "girl" to stop wearing jewelry her ex got her if it's pretty and she likes it.
there was a nytimes article on this recently.. this is a site they mentioned.
ExBoyfriendJewelry.com
"the site, created in February by two women, allows users to sell,
auction, trade or simply give away the refuse of their amorous
misadventures. But they must tell the stories behind every gift."
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/23/us/23jewelry.html?scp=13&sq=&st=nyt
I still some of the stuff in a shoe box but once I get married I'm probably gonna burn it.
Well, if you ask me, it depends on the relationship. It must have been somewhat a mutual breakup for you since you could still talk to the guy. But some relationships end on bad terms, so most of the time I bet, that the girl will get rid of EVERYTHING.
For me, with what I read in the entry, I know I would feel jealous and angry if I saw that my guy was keeping some of the things his exs gave him. And inside, I'd be unhappy and I might even tell him so. But I don't think I have the right to tell him to get rid of it, because I don't think it would make me feel better. I wouldn't want to make him do something he doesn't want to. But of course, if his ex suddenly showed up to make a point about him keeping something of hers, I'd probably be fuming.
I once dated a guy and when our relationship ended, he only wanted the good stuff back--jewelry that was given as a gift included (but he didn't want the crap he gave me). I found out later that he gave some of it to his new girl. Punk.
I'd say that the rule of thumb is that you keep the gifts and then return everything else if it's asked for--and know that you have the same right to ask for everything that you want back. That way, you can keep the memories but still respect the fact that the relationship is over. In the case of a punk, give EVERTHING back...you don't want tainted stuff anyway.
Most of it, you should be able to pack away, and not think of on a daily basis. One day when you're old and (hopefully) married, you'll be able to look back and smile on the memories, without feeling like you're betraying your spouse.
And, unless it was an explicit gift, OFFER TO GIVE IT BACK. I don't care how awkward that conversation with your ex would be. It's rude to do otherwise.
(Important exception: if you were in an abusive relationship, never, EVER talk to the abuser again. Avoid this person at all costs.)
@Candy_and_Roses@xanga - If he's such a punk, I would have sold the jewelery, if it was worth anything at all.
That said, I wouldn't ever sell things from exes who ended on good terms, as all of mine have.
aside from gifts and live animals, i say burn everything.
i actually took back a scrapbook that i had made for my first bf with all our memories in it. i didn't burn it because he was my first boyfriend (and i was his first girlfriend) and our relationship (despite the breakup) was so innocent and sweet that i couldn't bring myself to destroy.
but stuff belonging to all other guys... stuff worth money got sold (or soon will be)... everything else destroyed.
sentimental gifts are all in a box in the basement. there's a little story card attached to each, and i'll probably give that box to my future daughter (if i ever have one).
Like you said, I think you should just keep the important ones and get rid of the ones you don't need because they're practically useless right?
I generally go by the same rule as those you posted in this article.
Granted, I kept a lot of the old love letters from my ex (I dated him from the time I was 15 until I was 19 1/2), but I also kept the notes that were given to me by friends in high school. I keep them more as a reminder that I did have SOME fun in high school, even though most of it sucked. Not really to think about him, per se.
I gave a lot of tings back. But like, I got many how-top-draw manga books,. and like, books can't hurt a new bf? XD I gave my old bf all the pictures of us together (because I found someone new and he hadn't) also all of his stuff I gave back. I kept the golden ring he gave me (ofcourse), but he gave back the necklace I had given him just a few days ago :( (we broke up in januari)´. the books are ofcourse in my bookshelf, and there is one cuddly "doll" I keep visible, 'cause I really liked that gift. But like, unless the guy asked about it, he doesn't know, and doesn't get hurt. But if my new bf would ask me to "get rid of it" I would put in somewhere out-of-sight, like in a box. and I did definitly not give back the 8mega pixel camera my old bf gave me, and he didn also keep the ipod I gave him.
So the things that is obviously the ex's, give them back. And keep the nice gifts, even if u don't keep them visibleand/or use them (Like I don't wear that golden ring) because just because it ended, if u get rid of everything, it's like deleting that time (years) :)
I have a box labeled memories... and I just throw the stuff that is smaller in there... If it too big I just chuck it... Outta site outta mind... Makes it easier to get over them...
hey, i say keep anything you like, if they're photos, you may want to put them somewhere than next to your bed or on your mantle, but this person was a part of your life, throwing it away is denying a part of yourself. If a new person comes along and wants to know where you got the stuff, all you need to do is say that it came from a friend, after all you liked them at one time. If it's a bad breakup feel free to just burn it all, except what really means something to you.
hop on amazon marketplace and sell everything. or throw it out.
@starz_jewel@xanga - Oh man..I am so selling my engagment ring on there! Thanks for the heads up!
As for the question..I usually don't keep anything an ex gave me, but that's just me. I don't want to sit there and be reminded constantly of the past. I don't even have pictures still of any of them except one. It's just not my style. But then, I've never really been given anything cool/nice. One made me a nice jewelry box which my mom now has. And the said engagement ring that I do NOT!! want to keep.
If you're stuck in the past you can't be in the present and committed to the future.
Return or Rid.
I'd return it for sure, well, except for if that picture of the bear were real and actually a part of it, I'd so keep the bear. <3
I generally don't keep any momentos from a past relationship. Most is either given away to those in need or just tossed. No need hanging onto the past...
Great post!
I gave the stuffed animals to my little cousins and passed off pretty much everything I could. He wanted me to mail his stuff back, but I wasn't about to spend $30 on shipping, so he'll just have to wait.
I have a couple stuffed animals and a couple shirts. I still have his letters as well. If I meet someone new, I will probably get rid of the letters... even though that seems harsh. I guess I wouldn't want my guy to be keeping his ex gf's letters though.
But I wouldn't mind if he kept gifts she gave him. That would let me know that he is still friends with his ex or still thinks highly of her... so that if it wouldn't work out between us and I became an ex, he would still think highly of me even if the relationship didn't work.
does that make sense?
I used to keep a lot of stuff but after the 3rd move in less then 3 years I started throwing stuff away. Then once I got married I threw everything away (that wasn't jewelry) except for a poem that one guy wrote for me. It's in a box somewhere and since I know he spent a lot of time on it I just can't bring myself to throw it away.
A good idea that I thought of as I was reading this is that if you don't have room to keep something but it means something to you, take a picture of it, then later if you want you can look at the picture and remember the thing.
keep everything that has good memories involved and have a box to keep it in so you can bring it out when your feeling sentimental
gilmore girls fans? :)
For myself?
It is more like:
"WHERE IS MY STUFF?!"
My ex involves a marriage that lasted way too long!
When i left i told him he could keep half of everything he needed and just to tell me what and i would leave it.
He told me to take everything.
I said nope. Not going to happen.
So i left him half of the dish stuff so he was able to cook and eat on things.
Then i left him other electronical devices.
He promised me the WEbber BBQ that he never used and besides he had two.
Strangely enough he never put it on the moving van and claimed he forgot but he never forgot to add on all his trash.. and i mean LITERALLY trash he wanted to get rid of in his house.
Recently we went camping for this 4th of July.
Lots of camping things were missing.
He claims he has NOOOOOO idea where it is.
I collected camping gear for yearrrrs.
Like i told him if i knew you were a camper type of guy i would have left it all to you BUT you NEVER cared about camping to i left you a tent and your sleeping bag.
But one of my lanterns and a box for sure is missing.
Moving along to what some of you are saying regarding jewelry.
In the past one friend taught me or maybe i learned? ha ha
There is no good reason to give back perfectly good jewelry a male or female gives you.
Throw it into your jewelry box in the very bottom if necessary or one of those lock boxes.
After your over whatever conflict you are in and have moved on..it makes some GREAT going out jewelry or you just never know if it has any value when your going to need to use it for a "rainy day".
I still have a gold bracelet some ex jerk of mine gave me and i have no regrets on keeping it.
I will never return my wedding ring if things do not work out in this marriage.
For one thing it is my Grandmother's ring we used to get married. MINE MINE MINE.
For two, even if it wasn't.
HE BOUGHT IT FOR ME. That makes it mine.
Any jewelry bought during the course of a relationship is now mine as is anything else the idiot give to me.
WE also have gone over other things throughout and for that matter before i think it is ober i am going to start hiding and hoarding it all in a trasure chest and stash it away someplace he will never find.
I told him long ago those things were going to be mine.
I am NOT leaving empty handed out of this one.
Forget this sentiment we are talking War of the Roses only i am doing it the RIGHT WAY!
Oh well as i said i was married before so i am not playing games the second time around.
CHEERS!
p.s. i agree with what the one responder said.
The photos of the ex boyfriends and crap?
Hey as long as they are not spread out all over the walls and making some sort of waves. No reason to throw those out either. Those are just memories. For myself i have already sifted through the good, the bad and the FUGLY!!
I will never get rid of the love letters from my first husband before we got married. Those belong to my daughter even though i don't delve into them.