Thursday, 03 July 2008
-
Relentlessly Pursuing Unattainable Men
by sandelion23, guest bloggerMy 24 year old friend Jack claims to have only liked three women in his life.
When he told me this, I was flabbergasted. I was certain that he was either lying or unreasonably (and insanely) picky. Surely, I told him, he has come across more than three attractive women in his life. That’s when he explained that he does not necessarily like all attractive women. He went on to explain that when he meets a women he feels is attractive but out of his reach, he simply does not allow himself to be interested. Truly, an unbelievable phenomenon to me as I have been head-over-heels-crazy-in-love with many a man out of my league.
I have never felt like I have been able to completely block myself from being interested in someone. I have always felt that attraction is stronger than reason. Jack however, apparently has an internal light switch. He told me about a friend he had in college who was wildly attractive but had a boyfriend. He claims that he was able to be friends with this hottie and completely filter out any romantic interest in her because she was simply not attainable. Don’t I wish I had that sensibility during my (former) penchant for relentlessly pursuing unattainable men.
I have pondered this methodology for quite some time, slowly building my counter philosophy. How can a person simply prohibit themselves from undeniable attraction? It is one thing to say that you can restrain your attraction for someone by stuffing it in the corner of a closet somewhere but another to be able to prevent it from ever materializing at all. Is it really just a matter of incredible self control or just one big plate of denial with a side of fries? I didn’t get it.
The answer came to me one day recently when I was looking at a gorgeous DVF dress online. I really couldn’t think of an event or place I could wear the dress but I was smitten nonetheless. Alas, when I clicked on the price, I was greeted by an upper three digit number way, way out of my budget. Without a second thought, I closed the window. Just like that, the dress, the dream of the dress – was out of my mind.
That’s when it hit me. I was being Jack. You see I’m not a big lover of expensive clothing or bags. I can honestly say that I never pine for things like that. Girls will drool over a handbag for months, daring themselves to buy it or begging their men to buy it for them. Guys will dream about cars, daring themselves to buy it or begging their women to let them buy it. For me, not so much. If I can’t afford it (or don’t want to pay that much for it), I simply won’t want it anymore. That is what my internal light switch controls. So you see, now I get it. It IS just like that. And in some ways, I am just like Jack.
When it comes to attraction, are you able to completely block yourself from being interested in someone? Or do you end up head-over-heels-crazy-in-love with someone who's unattainable?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (77)
I think he might not be telling you his whole story.
I myself used
to do that also (though now that I've had a boyfriend for quite some
time, I don't really consciously bother with that), and I found that it
saves a lot of energy.
However, I'm female, and I find it strange
for a male to do that. Guys are the hunters; they will usually seek
what they want without accepting "defeat" much more than a girl will.
So I think there may have been some rejection issues in his past, as
there was with mine, to drive him to that. I don't think that's normal.
It's a coping mechanism.
Yeah, I can simply turn it off. But, as in my particular case right now, that doesn't necessarily mean that its off for good. I have been in love, but I tend to hide my feelings on any matter for a while. This might make it easier for me.
My problem is that most of the women I'm around assume I'm the average jerk when I just want to get to know them better as friends.
I was thinking...hmm, this entry seems a bit unusually easy to read with the right level of details. Then I hit the comment link and saw that it was a guest blogger. And one of my favorites, too!
I'm also thinking that Jack might be exaggerating a little bit, but I noticed that I tended to crush early on in my life (kindergarten) while other people (like my kids) have been taking a lot longer have their interest in the opposite sex piqued. *knock on wood
And I'm somewhere in the middle. But find that I have drifting more toward an attitude where its easier to block feelings out.
It all comes down to many of us want what we can't have. I will admit that I have been totally head over heels with someone that I would never have the courage to approach because I saw them as unattainable. A lot of times, feelings are just uncontrollable.
Nah, I agree with Jack, it is possible. Just deny your feelings long enough, and they go away.
Well, I'm definitely not an expert, or even at a novice level when it comes to logic or reason, I'm pretty much all feelings (badddddd). But even still, the first time that I got dumped it was so that the guy could get back together with his ex girlfriend the next day. The fact that he became unattainable helped me SO much in the process of getting over him because I would just tell myself there was no reason to care because it was impossible to be with him again at the moment.
@GreekPhysique@xanga - Agreed.
Oh, I've definitely fallen for someone "unattainable." I have trouble controlling things like who I fall for.
With girls, the analogy with clothing always makes sense. :]
I'm
not sure if all guys are like your friend jack-- a lot of the guys I
know seem to not care whether a girl is taken or not. I remember one
guy was interested in this girl, but she had a boyfriend. He was
telling us he was still pursuing her nonetheless because he felt that
he can do a better job of making her happy. We were shocked. And he
said something along the lines of "she's not married... no ring-- i'm
free to pursue her." The girls hated on him for a while.
I guess
it all depends on their point of view on such matters. But I wonder--
if she's not married and he can pursue her, well.. even after a woman
is married there is something called a divorce; the ring can easily
just come off the finger.
@OstentatiousEloquence@xanga -
@peGGanOra@xanga -
Can I ask what browsers you're using? The comments have weird linebreaks on them...
I think my problem is that I still believe that if I work hard enough and persevere, I can do just about anything. So far, the only thing this concept has failed with is with relationships. Sometimes the other person just doesn't like you.
It's even sadder when you possess all the qualities they're looking for, but they won't consider you because of your ethnicity.
I really wish I had a light switch like this guy. I'd leave it off all the time. Save myself a lot of trouble. Unfortunately though, my light is attached to a motion sensor. At this point, if anything falls into the sensing parameters, I'm interested.
For me, there comes a point where you accept the fact that this person is not an option, and you either walk away or decide that you would like to remain friends with this person. At that point, for me it is strictly a friendship thing.
I guess it helps that from the get-go, if i know someone has a girlfriend, I don't look at them in a romantic way. Period. I don't let myself get attached at all. I don't see the point in pining after something you can't have. In the meanwhile you could be living life, and pursuing available prospects! :)
@john@xanga - Oh, it's because I copied and pasted I think. I'm using firefox-- i wrote it earlier but it didn't post, and didn't want to rewrite it.. so i copied and pasted before trying again. sorry~
Your head will often play tricks on you. Yes you can block of your emotions for a couple of reasons either you are judging the person as being shallow or you are judging yourself as not being worthy of that persons affection. Either way it's a defense mechanism. Ain't love a bitch?
@peGGanOra@xanga - Ahhh, I see. Thanks for the update!
I have spoken to some crazy attractive guys and usually they lack personality. So I have learned to just sit back and admire beauty. Shhh~ Don't talk, you'll just ruin it.
I don't like to think that way. I just try and see what can happen.
Firefox
He might be exaggerating somewhat. But it is also possible that he is just being reasonable. There is no reason to pursue someone who is in a happy relationship unless you just want to be an asshole and try to break up the relationship. It comes down to a simple case of mind over matter and what you are interested in. If you enjoy pining after people (some do) then nothing is going to stop you from doing that but if you are more interested in having a cool friend then you will control your emotions and not allow them to interfere.
i`m not really like that. if he`s unattainable, it usually means that he`s not interested in me and i can`t be attracted to men who are not interested in me for some reason. maybe Jack is like me.
Well I don't usually take an interest to a man who is unavailable to me. I might think he is attractive and call it a day. I guess it is really easy to turn on and off. I never thought about it until now.
i can't really control feelings towards guys, but i'm like that, too, when there's something really expensive or something i can't have. like if i'm giving a gift to someone, and that gift is really cool, i won't allow myself to want it because it's for someone else.
I definitely am not able to just turn it off when it comes to being smitten. While I am like you when something is just too expensive I'll forget about the desire to have it, I'm not that way when it comes to men. If I fall for someone, even to later find out they're in a relationship/out of my league/not interested, it takes me quite a while to get over those feelings!
I think it's possible. It depends on where you set your threshold for 'like'. For example, I think most of us care about looks, smarts, and personality. Do you need to hit on all three to qualify for 'like' or is it just 1 of 3 or 2/3?
For me, hitting on looks alone only qualifies that person for eye candy status.
Any combo involving personality -> friend
Any combo without personality -> not a friend
All 3 -> ding, ding! Like and like alot usually because there are so, so few of these. I'm about the same age as Jack and I've only seen 2 guys hit on all 3 points.
But if someone is too much above you or just doesn't like you for whatever reason, then you know that's just a recipe for heartache and heartache is a huge turnoff. I need reciprocation or at least the hope of reciprocation to continue caring about someone.
Similarly, if that person is already involved with someone else, then you know there would only be drama from pursuing that person and drama is a huge turnoff.
i think its possble to block yourself... most of the time i just do it unconciously, if i think someone is too attractive for me or too (insert quality here). this past semester though i was really "kindergarden" crushing on this guy in one of my classes and he was this super-genius that i barely talked to for fear of sounding like a complete idiot. yeah...